I
Inperfected
Guest
This is not the entire lot of information.. it was about twice this long... pm if you want the entire thing i wrote up!
http://marriage.about.com/od/engagement/ss/engagedissues.htm
· Why are we getting married? Pregnancy, financial security, loneliness or wanting to get out of the family home are not valid reasons to get married.
· What do we as a couple want out of life?
· What was your childhood like?
· Was your family an affectionate one?
· Do you think we will have problems with your family during the holidays?
· What values do you want to bring from your family into our marriage?
· What do you like and dislike about your family?
· How would you describe yourself?
· How do you think I see you?
· Am I a jealous person?
· Do I have trust issues or feel insecure?
· How important is affirmation to me?
· Do I handle compliments well?
· How are we going to divide up the household chores?
· What are your expectations about how we will spend our free time?
· Do you believe that we should be doing everything together?
· Can we each pursue our own interests?
· Do you need time alone?
· How would you feel if I want a night out with my friends now and then?
· How will we make sure we have quality time together?
· Are you a saver or spender when it comes to money?
· Do you want to have a budget?
· Should we have a joint checking account or separate accounts or both?
· Who is going to be responsible for making sure that bills are paid on time?
· Do you consider going to the movies and having a vacation every year a necessity or a luxury?
· What are our financial goals?
· Do we want to have children?
· If we decide we do, how many children do you want to have?
· How long should we be married before having children?
· What kind of parent do you think you will be?
· What is your parenting philosophy?
· Will one of us stay home after we have children?
· What type of birth control should we use if we want to postpone or prevent parenthood?
· How do you feel about adoption?
· Does religion play an important part in your life?
· Do you think faith and spirituality are important in a marriage?
· What is your image of God?
· Are you comfortable discussing your sexual likes and dislikes?
· What are your expectations of our sexual relationship?
· How will we make decisions together?
· Are we both willing to face into difficult areas or do we try to avoid conflict?
· Do we handle conflict well?
· Are we both willing to work on our communication skills and to share intimately with each other?
Family (non-kids) - what are your relationships to each of your families and how would you expect that to change/stay the same upon marriage? Your potential kids' relationships to your extended families (if you're want kids)?
Money Management - how do each of you manage your money, what do you see doing differently when married? Joint finances? Separate? ...or any of the ranges in between?
General lifestyle issues - do you envision married life in a big rambling home in the country and your partner envisions a flat in the city? Such things probably would have already come up, however, it's amazing how people have a preconceived notion of "married life" which may be different from the life they're living now, but they assume things will become a certain way. It's important to discuss such things to make sure you're on the same page! Travel? Does one of you love it and the other hate it? How will you compromise? Jobs/careers - will you be a dual career couple? If so, how is each of you willing to compromise to support the other in their career?
http://www.ivillage.co.uk/relationships/marriage/marlife/articles/0,,154_634453-3,00.html
Topic One: The reasons for getting married
The primary motive for getting married is because you love each other and want to be together, but each of you may have other reasons for wanting to wed - other needs that you have to fulfil if the marriage is going to work.
Which of the following reasons for marrying apply to you? Tick as many as you agree with, then compare notes and talk through your differences.
Your partner's reasons for marrying may not fit with yours. If you're feeling angry or upset you need to talk the issue through. A common difference is one partner marrying as a sign of commitment but the other partner marrying because he or she wants children. The aim of this exercise is to get to a point where you understand, appreciate and respect each other's motives, even if they differ.
I want to get married because I love my partner and also because:
· I see it as the next logical step in our relationship
· I want to have children
· I want my family to be happy about our relationship
· I feel it's time I was married
· my religion demands it
· I want to make a success of marriage this time round
· I want to give the children a stable home
· I want the security of marriage
· I want to be independent of my parents
· my friends are all married
· It is a sign of my commitment to my partner
· It is a sign of my partner's commitment to me
Topic two: Your marriage models
What you've seen of marriage - from your parents, relatives, friends, or your own previous marriage - will deeply affect how you handle being wed.
Think about a couple whose marriage has influenced you. Then work your way down the list below, ticking as many statements as apply to that couple. Then go back and write beside each whether you want to copy that behaviour or avoid it.
The areas in which you and your partner give different answers will show where you're likely to act differently once you're married. So if your 'marriage model' couple spent a lot of time together and you see that as a good thing but your partner's 'marriage model' couple were more independent and he likes that, then you need to talk that through and come to a compromise.
The couples whose marriages I feel I have been most influenced by:
· talked to each other/talked very little/understood each other without words
· were faithful to each other/had an open marriage/were generally faithful but understood if the other strayed
· would never think of divorce/accepted divorce as a possibility but never did it/did divorce
· had a good marriage/had a bad marriage/had a marriage that was sometimes good, sometimes bad
· got lots of family support/hardly mixed with their families/were badly influenced by their families
· argued a lot/never argued/argued but enjoyed it
· spent a lot of time together/had their own separate lives
· enjoyed being married/hated being married
Topic three: How do you think you'll lead your day-to-day married life?
Tick what your expectations are, then compare notes and talk through any areas where differences arise and you may have to negotiate.
On a day-to-day basis, I expect that when we are married, we will:
(tick as many options as apply for each question)
· live close to where we are now/live far away/live abroad at some point/live wherever
· spend every moment of our free time together/spend at least two evenings a week apart/take holidays apart/spend long periods apart because of work
· both work full time/I will work and he will keep house/he will work and I will keep house
· share income completely/have separate accounts plus a joint account for joint bills/have completely separate finances
· share the housework completely/I will do most of the housework/he will do most of the housework/I'll do cooking and cleaning etc, he'll do boys' stuff
· regularly visit our families/occasionally visit our families/spend every Christmas with our families/probably have parents or family members to live with us at some point
· have our own friends of the same gender/have our own friends of the opposite gender/share all friends and see them only as a couple/not need to see friends because we have each other
· divide the child care equally/I will do most of the childcare/he will do most of the childcare
Topic four: The emotional deal
Once we're married, we: (tick as many options as apply for each question)
· won't row any more/will row just as much but feel secure in the knowledge that we won't split up/will row more because married couples always do
· will take important decisions together/I will make most of the important decisions/he will make most of the important decisions
· will talk through problems when we hit them/talk to friends and family about any problems we have/be prepared to get counselling if necessary
· won't sleep with anyone else/won't flirt with anyone else/will still have the freedom to have sexual relationships with other people
· won't go out alone with a member of the opposite gender/will still have friends of the opposite gender
· will have a family more or less straight away/wait a few years before having a family/not have children at all
· will need to put previous life plans aside/go ahead with our life plans even if that means spending time apart
· will have sex at least once a day/will have sex at least once a week/will carry on having sex at roughly the same rate/will expect a decline in our sex lives as time goes by
· will only part when one of us dies/will part if one of us has an affair/will part if one of us falls out of love/will part if it becomes obvious that we are incompatible/will part if the relationship seems to be blocking us from fulfilling our aims in life
Troubleshooting
You will disagree with each other on some issues - and that's normal. The aim of the exercises is to make you aware of your differences. Marriage is about give and take - and the bottom line is that you won't get all of what you want, even some of the time. So if you disagree, don't panic - just keep talking until you understand each other - and see where you can meet in the middle.
What if the two of you disagree about life goals?
The one where it won't be possible to 'meet in the middle' is where there are disagreements over deeply held beliefs or life goals. The following are the big issues: sexual orientation, the importance of fidelity, wanting children, ethical or religious beliefs. If you differ on any of these, then it will be very difficult to find a middle road.
It may seem as if these things will work themselves out in time - for example, if one of you wants children and the other doesn't then you may hope that the 'anti' partner will change their mind. But such deep rooted differences are almost always a cause of unsolvable problems later down the line.
What if your fiance won't do this exercise?
If your fiance won't play, then you can learn a lot from doing this exercise alone - though you won't get a complete picture of how the two of you differ, and hence what problems you might meet once you're wed.
But the problem is, if he won't put in the time to discuss things with you at this stage, it probably means that he doesn't see the marriage commitment in the same way as you do. Further down the line if things get tough, you may have deep divisions about whether you are willing to work on the relationship.
What if you realise that you're not happy about the marriage? If having explored your individual thoughts and feelings you're not sure, hesitate. Marriage is a huge challenge and there is no point in taking on that challenge unless you are certain you can handle it. Hesitation doesn't mean the end of the world, however. Have some sessions with a counsellor and it is very likely you can resolve your differences and settle your doubts.
http://www.answers2prayer.org/bible_questions/Answers/dating/before.html
Are you patient with each other?
Are you kind to each other?
Are you never envious of each other?
Do you never boast to or about each other?
Is your relationship characterized by humility?
Are you never rude to each other?
Are you not self-seeking?
Are you not easily angered with each other?
Do you keep no record of wrongs?
Are you truthful with each other?
Do you protect each other?
Do you trust each other?
http://marriage.about.com/od/engagement/ss/engagedissues.htm
· Why are we getting married? Pregnancy, financial security, loneliness or wanting to get out of the family home are not valid reasons to get married.
· What do we as a couple want out of life?
· What was your childhood like?
· Was your family an affectionate one?
· Do you think we will have problems with your family during the holidays?
· What values do you want to bring from your family into our marriage?
· What do you like and dislike about your family?
· How would you describe yourself?
· How do you think I see you?
· Am I a jealous person?
· Do I have trust issues or feel insecure?
· How important is affirmation to me?
· Do I handle compliments well?
· How are we going to divide up the household chores?
· What are your expectations about how we will spend our free time?
· Do you believe that we should be doing everything together?
· Can we each pursue our own interests?
· Do you need time alone?
· How would you feel if I want a night out with my friends now and then?
· How will we make sure we have quality time together?
· Are you a saver or spender when it comes to money?
· Do you want to have a budget?
· Should we have a joint checking account or separate accounts or both?
· Who is going to be responsible for making sure that bills are paid on time?
· Do you consider going to the movies and having a vacation every year a necessity or a luxury?
· What are our financial goals?
· Do we want to have children?
· If we decide we do, how many children do you want to have?
· How long should we be married before having children?
· What kind of parent do you think you will be?
· What is your parenting philosophy?
· Will one of us stay home after we have children?
· What type of birth control should we use if we want to postpone or prevent parenthood?
· How do you feel about adoption?
· Does religion play an important part in your life?
· Do you think faith and spirituality are important in a marriage?
· What is your image of God?
· Are you comfortable discussing your sexual likes and dislikes?
· What are your expectations of our sexual relationship?
· How will we make decisions together?
· Are we both willing to face into difficult areas or do we try to avoid conflict?
· Do we handle conflict well?
· Are we both willing to work on our communication skills and to share intimately with each other?
Family (non-kids) - what are your relationships to each of your families and how would you expect that to change/stay the same upon marriage? Your potential kids' relationships to your extended families (if you're want kids)?
Money Management - how do each of you manage your money, what do you see doing differently when married? Joint finances? Separate? ...or any of the ranges in between?
General lifestyle issues - do you envision married life in a big rambling home in the country and your partner envisions a flat in the city? Such things probably would have already come up, however, it's amazing how people have a preconceived notion of "married life" which may be different from the life they're living now, but they assume things will become a certain way. It's important to discuss such things to make sure you're on the same page! Travel? Does one of you love it and the other hate it? How will you compromise? Jobs/careers - will you be a dual career couple? If so, how is each of you willing to compromise to support the other in their career?
http://www.ivillage.co.uk/relationships/marriage/marlife/articles/0,,154_634453-3,00.html
Topic One: The reasons for getting married
The primary motive for getting married is because you love each other and want to be together, but each of you may have other reasons for wanting to wed - other needs that you have to fulfil if the marriage is going to work.
Which of the following reasons for marrying apply to you? Tick as many as you agree with, then compare notes and talk through your differences.
Your partner's reasons for marrying may not fit with yours. If you're feeling angry or upset you need to talk the issue through. A common difference is one partner marrying as a sign of commitment but the other partner marrying because he or she wants children. The aim of this exercise is to get to a point where you understand, appreciate and respect each other's motives, even if they differ.
I want to get married because I love my partner and also because:
· I see it as the next logical step in our relationship
· I want to have children
· I want my family to be happy about our relationship
· I feel it's time I was married
· my religion demands it
· I want to make a success of marriage this time round
· I want to give the children a stable home
· I want the security of marriage
· I want to be independent of my parents
· my friends are all married
· It is a sign of my commitment to my partner
· It is a sign of my partner's commitment to me
Topic two: Your marriage models
What you've seen of marriage - from your parents, relatives, friends, or your own previous marriage - will deeply affect how you handle being wed.
Think about a couple whose marriage has influenced you. Then work your way down the list below, ticking as many statements as apply to that couple. Then go back and write beside each whether you want to copy that behaviour or avoid it.
The areas in which you and your partner give different answers will show where you're likely to act differently once you're married. So if your 'marriage model' couple spent a lot of time together and you see that as a good thing but your partner's 'marriage model' couple were more independent and he likes that, then you need to talk that through and come to a compromise.
The couples whose marriages I feel I have been most influenced by:
· talked to each other/talked very little/understood each other without words
· were faithful to each other/had an open marriage/were generally faithful but understood if the other strayed
· would never think of divorce/accepted divorce as a possibility but never did it/did divorce
· had a good marriage/had a bad marriage/had a marriage that was sometimes good, sometimes bad
· got lots of family support/hardly mixed with their families/were badly influenced by their families
· argued a lot/never argued/argued but enjoyed it
· spent a lot of time together/had their own separate lives
· enjoyed being married/hated being married
Topic three: How do you think you'll lead your day-to-day married life?
Tick what your expectations are, then compare notes and talk through any areas where differences arise and you may have to negotiate.
On a day-to-day basis, I expect that when we are married, we will:
(tick as many options as apply for each question)
· live close to where we are now/live far away/live abroad at some point/live wherever
· spend every moment of our free time together/spend at least two evenings a week apart/take holidays apart/spend long periods apart because of work
· both work full time/I will work and he will keep house/he will work and I will keep house
· share income completely/have separate accounts plus a joint account for joint bills/have completely separate finances
· share the housework completely/I will do most of the housework/he will do most of the housework/I'll do cooking and cleaning etc, he'll do boys' stuff
· regularly visit our families/occasionally visit our families/spend every Christmas with our families/probably have parents or family members to live with us at some point
· have our own friends of the same gender/have our own friends of the opposite gender/share all friends and see them only as a couple/not need to see friends because we have each other
· divide the child care equally/I will do most of the childcare/he will do most of the childcare
Topic four: The emotional deal
Once we're married, we: (tick as many options as apply for each question)
· won't row any more/will row just as much but feel secure in the knowledge that we won't split up/will row more because married couples always do
· will take important decisions together/I will make most of the important decisions/he will make most of the important decisions
· will talk through problems when we hit them/talk to friends and family about any problems we have/be prepared to get counselling if necessary
· won't sleep with anyone else/won't flirt with anyone else/will still have the freedom to have sexual relationships with other people
· won't go out alone with a member of the opposite gender/will still have friends of the opposite gender
· will have a family more or less straight away/wait a few years before having a family/not have children at all
· will need to put previous life plans aside/go ahead with our life plans even if that means spending time apart
· will have sex at least once a day/will have sex at least once a week/will carry on having sex at roughly the same rate/will expect a decline in our sex lives as time goes by
· will only part when one of us dies/will part if one of us has an affair/will part if one of us falls out of love/will part if it becomes obvious that we are incompatible/will part if the relationship seems to be blocking us from fulfilling our aims in life
Troubleshooting
You will disagree with each other on some issues - and that's normal. The aim of the exercises is to make you aware of your differences. Marriage is about give and take - and the bottom line is that you won't get all of what you want, even some of the time. So if you disagree, don't panic - just keep talking until you understand each other - and see where you can meet in the middle.
What if the two of you disagree about life goals?
The one where it won't be possible to 'meet in the middle' is where there are disagreements over deeply held beliefs or life goals. The following are the big issues: sexual orientation, the importance of fidelity, wanting children, ethical or religious beliefs. If you differ on any of these, then it will be very difficult to find a middle road.
It may seem as if these things will work themselves out in time - for example, if one of you wants children and the other doesn't then you may hope that the 'anti' partner will change their mind. But such deep rooted differences are almost always a cause of unsolvable problems later down the line.
What if your fiance won't do this exercise?
If your fiance won't play, then you can learn a lot from doing this exercise alone - though you won't get a complete picture of how the two of you differ, and hence what problems you might meet once you're wed.
But the problem is, if he won't put in the time to discuss things with you at this stage, it probably means that he doesn't see the marriage commitment in the same way as you do. Further down the line if things get tough, you may have deep divisions about whether you are willing to work on the relationship.
What if you realise that you're not happy about the marriage? If having explored your individual thoughts and feelings you're not sure, hesitate. Marriage is a huge challenge and there is no point in taking on that challenge unless you are certain you can handle it. Hesitation doesn't mean the end of the world, however. Have some sessions with a counsellor and it is very likely you can resolve your differences and settle your doubts.
http://www.answers2prayer.org/bible_questions/Answers/dating/before.html
Are you patient with each other?
Are you kind to each other?
Are you never envious of each other?
Do you never boast to or about each other?
Is your relationship characterized by humility?
Are you never rude to each other?
Are you not self-seeking?
Are you not easily angered with each other?
Do you keep no record of wrongs?
Are you truthful with each other?
Do you protect each other?
Do you trust each other?
when does a couple really get into that? should you be engaged to go into depth in that department?
