Question for husbands married to non affectionate women

[Cherish616]

I have a question for husbands that want affection from their wives but for whatever reason they don't do it.

I will try to keep this short....God has been working on me and the timing is great and terrible. Due to years of not enough affection from me, my husband, my best friend, the love of my life wants a divorce because of it.

I was raised by mostly all single women. No affection was shown. No hugs, kisses, I love you's, no talking about emotions, etc. I knew I was loved and was ok with that.

Fast forward to present day. I'm in counseling and have been hit with the realization that this was never ok. I crave those actions from my family....all have passed. But more than that, I can empathize with the hurt and rejection my husband feels. I GET IT! I never got it before. To me affection was no big deal. However, now I crave it. I crave and long to show my husband the love I have always had for him BUT, he says he doesn't want it now. He is too hurt by years of feeling rejected. He has taken it personal and doubts my love for him.

I see how beautiful it is too show love now. For years I excused and justified my lack of affection on my up bringing. It was never ok. I see this now.

My husband has not left, and other than not saying I love you anymore and no affection....well there is but it seems to happen in our sleep....crazy, I know.....from the outside looking in we look like a happily married couple. Are kuds have no idea any of this is going on. We are still best friends and do things together every day, hang out, joke around etc.

My question is, do I show the affection I want to give and he has craved or do I not do it because he says he doesn't want it now?

I'm even showing tons more affection to my kids. So he is seeing changes in me. His heart is so hurt though.

So if your wife did not show affection and you were ready to divorce ( which I do not agree with in this situation since it's fixable) and you told her you didn't think you wanted her affection now....what would you want her to do...show it or not?

 

[johndoo]

Gently touch.
Extend your hand to hold when walking.
Offer a back rub
Give a hug.
Offer more if he is receptive.

 

[ImaginaryDay]

Maybe try a different angle. If your husband is aware that you are in counseling, and is aware of the issues you have been working on, perhaps suggest to him (and your counselor) that you have a session together. Sometimes it takes an objective voice in the situation to change a person's thinking or present a new perspective. I don't know all the particulars, but I would suspect that your husband might know that his reasoning is not a reason for divorce, and that he might want the very thing he says he no longer does - affection from you. I wouldn't give in to him so easily.

 

[Cherish616]

Thanks for the responses. He feels like I have rejected him and doubts my love. I have shown love in other ways. Suprise get aways, he has a star in the galaxy with his name on it, love texts and notes and writing I love you on the mirror in lipstick just to name a few. He wants the physical affection. Up until now I didn't see the big deal....but that's how I was raised. Now I get it. All these years he has been trying to tell me. But it was counseling and God that turned it around. At night I hold him in his sleep. He has kissed my hand and my forehead at times. I'm trying not to smother him. But now I long to hold him. Taking baby steps and trusting God to show him that I never rejected him. Even though it feels that way. It's kinda sad we are where we are now that he is getting an answered prayer. Idk...I have always been so in love with him. We are best friends, never fight or argue, this was the only issue we had. And it's so fixable!

 

[ImaginaryDay]

BTW - welcome to CF!

 

[Dave-W]

I understand exactly how he feels.

Do you know what his "love language" is? If not, there is a book out by Gary Chapman‎ that describes them. What ever his language is, start feeding into it (but not in an overwhelming way) and it should start to ease that up. It took a long time to get here and will take time to get back.

http://www.amazon.com/Love-Language...466&sr=8-1&keywords=the+5+love+languages+book

 

[Cherish616]

Yes I do....mine is acts of service. His is physical affection. It's not like I'm not affectionate at all, just not enough for him. But I want to change that. I am in counseling and am seeing things totally different. I totally understand why he feels the way he does. I'm just praying we don't divorce over this. I want to show love. Before I didn't think it was a big deal, but now I see how growing up without it has affected me. It was never ok. Not then and not now in my marriage. I appreciate the responses. I would greatly appreciate any prayers for me, my husband and our marriage.

 

[dayhiker]

Adding to Johndoo's list

I'd say don't just touch and hugs, but get his permission to hugs.

I think an important one is to ask of you can gaze into his eyes. With a yes, just a relaxed looking into each other's eyes.
Short at 1st then a little longer. Let your eyes express our intention to love him.

 

[Cherish616]

He has started to hug me. There have been some intimate moments as of late but he says he still wants out. He says things sometimes that sounds like he wants to stay but then says things about divorce. I gave him to God. I will be the wife God wants me to be to him and pray for God to heal his heart. It's like as soon as my husband let go of trying to change or "fix" me, God swooped in and is transforming me as a person and not just a wife. So I'm letting go and letting God. Standing on what God says. I would love to go on this transforming journey with my husband, but waiting on God's timing. I appreciate all the suggestions!!!!!!

 

[GillDouglas]

I have a question for husbands that want affection from their wives but for whatever reason they don't do it.

I will try to keep this short....God has been working on me and the timing is great and terrible. Due to years of not enough affection from me, my husband, my best friend, the love of my life wants a divorce because of it.

I was raised by mostly all single women. No affection was shown. No hugs, kisses, I love you's, no talking about emotions, etc. I knew I was loved and was ok with that.

Fast forward to present day. I'm in counseling and have been hit with the realization that this was never ok. I crave those actions from my family....all have passed. But more than that, I can empathize with the hurt and rejection my husband feels. I GET IT! I never got it before. To me affection was no big deal. However, now I crave it. I crave and long to show my husband the love I have always had for him BUT, he says he doesn't want it now. He is too hurt by years of feeling rejected. He has taken it personal and doubts my love for him.

I see how beautiful it is too show love now. For years I excused and justified my lack of affection on my up bringing. It was never ok. I see this now.

My husband has not left, and other than not saying I love you anymore and no affection....well there is but it seems to happen in our sleep....crazy, I know.....from the outside looking in we look like a happily married couple. Are kuds have no idea any of this is going on. We are still best friends and do things together every day, hang out, joke around etc.

My question is, do I show the affection I want to give and he has craved or do I not do it because he says he doesn't want it now?

I'm even showing tons more affection to my kids. So he is seeing changes in me. His heart is so hurt though.

So if your wife did not show affection and you were ready to divorce ( which I do not agree with in this situation since it's fixable) and you told her you didn't think you wanted her affection now....what would you want her to do...show it or not?

My first marriage ended for this exact reason. My marriage was not a godly one rooted in faith and love for God. At the time I was an unbeliever, and she a nominal Catholic. Unlike you, my ex-wife made little effort to change and did not look to God for help. After we separated I found the affection I was seeking in another woman, and never looked back.

Pray that God would soften your husbands heart, and see the change He's made in you. Pray that He will turn your marriage into a union that glorifies Him. If it is His will that your marriage should end, pray that He would ease your pain. Continually pray for your husband, regardless of the outcome. I will pray about these things for you. God bless!

 

[Cherish616]

Praying he sees the changes in me. We just had a great time together before he went to work. Seeking God's will on this. My husband is away from God right now and as much as I want my marriage reconciled, I pray my husband turns back to the Lord. My husband gave me a hug before going to work. Baby steps and I will take it.

This is the only issue in our marriage and yes it was a big issue. Praying God softens his heart. We are best friends and I don't want to lose him. If he goes through with divorce I will have to completely distance myself from him. It would hurt too bad. However, he has made no moves. He lives with me, sleeps in the same bed, we go out to eat, watch movies together, laugh and joke etc....my counselor believes he is struggling. In the past I never changed...I tried, but it was something only God could transform in me. So my husband isnt used to this new and changing me. I'm sure he thinks it will all go back to how it was in the past. Taking it day by day and with prayer and fasting I'm expecting restoration based on God's word and not my husbands. I know God has to work on both of us so that the foundation of our marriage will be rock solid.

Thank you so much for your prayers. It truly means a lot. I don't have a lot of people to pray over us.

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

This is just my feelings but he should be reminded God never promised life would be perfect. That includes marriage. Its going to have its up and downs and even moments like this where you may think of divorce. But divorce doesn't solve anything. To many divorce because its an easy way out to solve a problem. I take my vows very seriously. I would never divorce my wife ever.

Your husband needs to see your are fighting for your marriage to stay intact. But as you said God has to work on his heart. I'll be praying for the both of you.

 

[Cherish616]

Prayers very much appreciated. My husband is in an I dont care attitude and told me today he is just going to be selfish. That it does no good to be nice to people. I kept my mouth shut ( which is new for me).....I just said good luck with that. It's so hard to see him with his back to God. I see that he is hurting and only God can transform him. He is so unhappy, but he feels God doesn't answer his prayers. I think God would if my husband would let go of anger, bitterness etc.....it's not my battle to fight. It's God's. I'm just standing in the gap praying for my husband to turn back to God.

On a high note I did get a hug and a smack on the butt before he went to work yesterday lol....baby steps!

 

[JohnNess]

It sounds like you're starting to make a little progress. It's good that you know what his primary love language is, but do you know his second and perhaps third one? With my wife, her top love language is quality time, but second and third aren't far behind and are practically tied with each other. I could spend hours with her every day, but without satisfying her second and third love languages, she wouldn't feel as loved as she does.
If you're not sure the order of his, there's a quiz here: http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/. It will count each response as a 1, but I personally think you get more accurate results if you track it on paper because then you can count half a point for each response if they're equal or 0.75 for one that you want most of the time and 0.25 for the one you still definitely want, just not as often.
Also, I agree with the poster who suggested seeing a counselor together. Or, since he hasn't made any real moves out the door yet, perhaps ask him what his ideal level of affection would be, in detail. Kissing and cuddling in the morning, a quick call at lunch, an enthusiastic greeting when he walks in, and sex every other day, for example. And then ask him if he'd be willing to give you two or three weeks to try to be the wife he's been wanting. His words are saying he wants out, but his actions (or lack thereof) are saying he doesn't. Actions are generally truer indicators of the heart.

 

[Cherish616]

I will for sure take the quiz....thanks! I know what he wants. I always have. Communication is good between us. Up until recently I just never got what the big deal was with affection. Because of that, it lead him to want out and not want me to love on him. However, I slowly see things changing between us. I'm not pushing myself on him. Taking things slowly. I'm trying to look at it as a new relationship since I'm becoming a better me. He isn't used to the changes in me and I have to give him time to see its not temporary and he needs time to heal from the hurt I unintentionally caused. Trusting God completely.

Our wedding anniversary is Tuesday. I'm hopeful it will be a good day.

Thanks for the replies!

 

[matrixofgod]

I can say I understand where you are coming from with trying to reach him. My wife did the same for me after little to no affection in our relationship. When she started to show, I was already to the point that I didn't want it. She would read the love languages book and try to use it towards us but to me she seemed fake and that made it worse. She then quote the bible to me when she thought I was being a certain way. Everything she was doing was because it's what SHE felt she should do because of a book, friends, our pastor, or what she felt, she would like if the shoe was on the other foot. I was so frustrated that I like your husband, have my blinders up and ear plugs in. Bluntly I did not feel like the man I needed to be. Rejection, lack of returned effection when I come to her, or telling me her reason of why I am trying to cuddle made me close off. The man is head of the family, the protector, and here to bring happiness of all kinds to my wife. How can I do that when the door gets closed or im rejected from a intement moment with anger.
I heard everything she said, and enjoyed the fact she was giving herself to me. It made me feel like I was something to her, but I had to see her, the girl I knew before I brought down my walls. Books are great but if you are not on the same page when you talk then it's just wasted words. I guess for me I needed her to do what I wanted not what she thought I wanted, those are two different things. We are fine now, back at church together, talking more, touching more, the sex is Sunday before bed and maybe once during the week. I have a hard time with that sometimes bease it seems scheduled and not as man and wife should be. When God fills your heart with flooded emotions when you see your wife smile, you need to act on it not schedule in next Tuesday. Now at this point it's not just sex, sense I let her and God back in my life sex is not what I "use her for" it's a very open intement feeling for me. I hope she see this and take that guard down. But "each day, is only a prayer away", (James G)

 

[Cherish616]

I can say I understand where you are coming from with trying to reach him. My wife did the same for me after little to no affection in our relationship. When she started to show, I was already to the point that I didn't want it. She would read the love languages book and try to use it towards us but to me she seemed fake and that made it worse. She then quote the bible to me when she thought I was being a certain way. Everything she was doing was because it's what SHE felt she should do because of a book, friends, our pastor, or what she felt, she would like if the shoe was on the other foot. I was so frustrated that I like your husband, have my blinders up and ear plugs in. Bluntly I did not feel like the man I needed to be. Rejection, lack of returned effection when I come to her, or telling me her reason of why I am trying to cuddle made me close off. The man is head of the family, the protector, and here to bring happiness of all kinds to my wife. How can I do that when the door gets closed or im rejected from a intement moment with anger.
I heard everything she said, and enjoyed the fact she was giving herself to me. It made me feel like I was something to her, but I had to see her, the girl I knew before I brought down my walls. Books are great but if you are not on the same page when you talk then it's just wasted words. I guess for me I needed her to do what I wanted not what she thought I wanted, those are two different things. We are fine now, back at church together, talking more, touching more, the sex is Sunday before bed and maybe once during the week. I have a hard time with that sometimes bease it seems scheduled and not as man and wife should be. When God fills your heart with flooded emotions when you see your wife smile, you need to act on it not schedule in next Tuesday. Now at this point it's not just sex, sense I let her and God back in my life sex is not what I "use her for" it's a very open intement feeling for me. I hope she see this and take that guard down. But "each day, is only a prayer away", (James G)

Is there a reason she was non affectionate? For years I didn't have insight as to why I didn't show affection. Counseling has helped me out so much!!! For years I tried to "fix" me and for years my husband tried to "fix" me but God was the only one who could transform me and heal me.

If your wife is acting from the heart, that's a good thing! Also, it may seem a little awkward or forced at first because it is new to her. It will become more natural as time goes by.

I have learned to pray with less of what I think needs to happen and more of God's will for me, my husband and our marriage. I will pray for continued healing and more openness in your marriage!

 

[Cherish616]

Praise report!!!! Today is our anniversary. I have been nervous about it due to our situation. My husband got home around midnight from work and was in bed when I got out of the shower. I went to bed soon after him and thought he was asleep. He rolled over and we held each other, loved on each other and he whispered happy anniversary! Said he wants to take me out this weekend to celebrate! !!! No "I love you's" spoken yet, but, I am over the moon happy!!!! God is healing and restoring our marriage. Me letting go and letting God is the best thing I ever did!
I'm so thankful for prayers that have been prayed over our marriage. And insight and advice given on this post!
God is soooo good!