Protestant and Catholic Marriage

[damaris13]

I'm looking for advice on how to handle this situation. He has already decided to leave the Catholic church and raise the children with me in a Protestant church. I did not ask him to do this, and I had in fact considered converting to catholocism until meeting his extended family. To tell you the truth, I was disgusted with the behaviors I saw and decided I did not want my children being raised in a church which condoned such behaviors.  I realize they may not have been the typical behaviors of Catholics, but these are the people my children will be seeing.


However, now his family is adamantly against the marriage. Did I mention my father, who is a Presbyterian minister, is marrying us? His family has told us we would be sinning if we were married by someone other than a priest and would not be able to love each other without the Sacrament of Marriage. His grandmother is forbidding his aunt, who we had asked to do our reception, to attend, and his mother has threatened to not attend as well (although the rest of her family, including her husband, has informed her this is childish behavior).


I am not saying that Catholics are wrong because I believe we all worship the same God and love him for sending the same Christ to earth for our sins. I'm just not sure how to deal with this situation. We both feel God means for us to be together. We were friends for 9 years before we became engaged, and had dated a few times. His faith in God has grown incredibly over the past year as he has attended church with me and read the Bible with me.


Does anyone have any advice on what we may say to soothe his family or help them to understand that he is not turning his back on his faith in God? Please help us and pray for us. Thank you!

 

[dignitized]

damaris:

Pray, seek the Lord, cast a fleece, and do what he directs

 

[Hoonbaba]

You will be in my prayers! =)

God bless!

-Jason

 

[VOW]

To Demaris:

I suggest you find a parish where your fiance's family does NOT attend, and ask to take the Inquiry classes. You will not be committing yourself to any conversion process by doing so. Perhaps your fiance could attend with you. These classes will help you to learn exactly what the Catholic Church TEACHES. And after completing the classes, make an appointment with the pastor of the parish and discuss the whole situation with him.

Trust me, your story is not new. I'm sure the priest will have heard variations of it through the years, and he would be the best one to counsel you on how to handle the family expectations and also best serve your faith in God.


Peace be with you,
~VOW

 

[damaris13]

I have researched the Catholic beliefs as written by the Catholics and as explained by Protestants and have found some things I cannot believe in, not matter how they are explained to me, which is not to say they are wrong. However, the situation is that we are hoping to help his family accept that our family will be raised Protestant. My fiance has made this decision and his family believes I am controlling him. We both want his family at the wedding, and we do not want there to be a separation between us. The priests he has talked to and the priest his grandmother has talked to has informed him it would be best if I convert because it would provide our marriage with the grace of God and ease the tensions. What can we say to help them listen to my fiance's decision?

 

[karla]

You are in my prayers. I know what it is like to plan a wedding and have problems with family arise. Although, when I was married the problems didn't center around faith (we were both Catholic), but my father refused to attend if I had my stepfather (who raised me and I was really close with) give me away. When it comes down to it...you and your fiance need to do what is right for the two of you. We can't always control how others react. I would suggest discussing this matter with a pastor or priest that is not affilated with your family, this way they are away from the situation. I will keep the two of you and your families in my prayers.

God Bless

 

[VOW]

To Demaris:

You can't MAKE the Catholic Church handle the situation the way you want it. That is essentially why we have Protestant Churches today. People have disagreed with the way the Church handles or teaches things, and when the Catholic Church refused to budge, they broke away and set up their own style of thinking, teaching, and worship.

If you have actually studied Catholicism, then you know the Church considers its origin to be when Jesus placed His hands upon Simon and renamed him, calling him Peter, "and upon this rock I will build My Church." The Catholic Church holds the Original Deposit of Faith from Christ and the Apostles, and it cannot change from that.

If a non-Catholic and a Catholic desire to marry in the Catholic Church, the non-Catholic must promise to raise any children in the Church.

You've already made your decisions. And there is no way you can bend the Catholic Church to your way of thinking.

Marriage is intended to be forever. And it is the blending of two families, the husband's and the wife's. From the day of your marriage onward, you will be expected to interact with his family, and he will be expected to interact with your family. Take it from someone who has seen the bitter side of family disputes: you don't need to take extra grief into your relationship. You've been offered advice from Catholic priests. If you do not care to take it, then prepare yourself for a lot of difficulty.


Peace be with you,
~VOW

 

[Defender of the Faith 777]

I am in a family of exactly your predicament. My mother gained her faith as my father conversely lost his. Now all there is, is fighting and disagreement. Don't think this can't happen. It happened to us, and my parents are tugging both ways. That's partially what led me into apologetics.

It doesn't matter if you both choose to attend a Catholic church, or both choose to attend a Reformed or Protestant church. As long as there is unity in the family, and you can agree.

The two shall become one flesh.

As long as there is unity in beliefs, and whatever church it is, this is the bottom line:

That y'all raise a family together with a real love and a genuine relationship with God. Whatever church it is, it doesn't matter. Wherever your relationship is real. But please attend a church together. Because I've seen what happens when people don't.

 

[Anthony]

Originally posted by damaris13
To tell you the truth, I was disgusted with the behaviors I saw and decided I did not want my children being raised in a church which condoned such behaviors. 

This isn't about Catholicism, it's a problem with people. Don't mix the two. This a problem of routines and traditions held by family members. Just like we cannot convert anyone to Christianity, you cannot convert or change his family's thoughts. But time heals all wounds. This is why:

GE 2:24
For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh. 

 

 

[isshinwhat]

If a non-Catholic and a Catholic desire to marry in the Catholic Church, the non-Catholic must promise to raise any children in the Church.

Actually it is just the Catholic party who must make the promise to try to raise their children in the Catholic faith. The non-Catholic party is under no obligation.

His family has told us we would be sinning if we were married by someone other than a priest and would not be able to love each other without the Sacrament of Marriage. His grandmother is forbidding his aunt, who we had asked to do our reception, to attend, and his mother has threatened to not attend as well (although the rest of her family, including her husband, has informed her this is childish behavior).

Your husband, as a Catholic (considering he hasn't left the Church), would need to speak with a priest, who in turn would speak with the Bishop, unless prior arrangements have been made, to get permission to be married by your father. A marriage by a Presbyterian minister would not be inherently sinful, what the Church would view as sinful would be your husband rejecting the authority that a pastor has over his flock. At his Confirmation, if he was Baptized as a child, your husband promised to follow the leadership of the Catholic Church, and a part that entails obedience. The Catholic Church isn't really concerned with a Catholic being married by a non-Catholic minister, so it shouldn't be a problem. That Canon Law is in effect mainly to make the parties involved with the marriage examine the possible problems that could arise, and prevent marriage between an atheist and a non-Christian and a Catholic. I don't think permission would readily be given for that marraigeto take place. But in your case, I don't think their would be any problems at all, especially with the minister being your father.

God Bless,

Neal

 

[I can eat 50 eggs]

Speakingfrom experience, Just realize that his family will NEVER believe he left willingly. It will always be a point of contention. This is a VERY difficult way to start off a marriage, make sure you get some good pre-marital counseling.

 

[damaris13]

I am not saying that I want the Catholic Church to handle the situation the way I want to. That is selfish and uncalled for.  I acknowledge the differences and where they are coming from; however, it is for those differences that I believe I cannot convert or have my children raised Catholic. My fiance stands behind me on this.

When I wrote this request for advice I was not looking for arguments or anything, I was looking for advice on how to help his family. My fiance and I would rather have our family intact in their faith with God than have one parent take the children to the Catholic church while the other attends a different church.

I thought long and hard on allowing him to raise the children Catholic, but I want to be a part of my children's Christian upbringing as well, and I would not if they were raised Catholic.  He had informed me that while he would be giving up Catholic traditions like transubstantiation, he would not be giving up his faith in God, and he would be living the life God intended for him. 


Would it not be better to be forward with his parents now? Telling them that our children would not be raised Catholic? That way they know now instead of when the children come. My children will still be raised with the love and grace of God as they are in a Christian home.  We will still teach them about the Catholic traditions and beliefs as well as of other religions.  We want our children to be able to keep an open mind about everyone and their beliefs and traditions.

 

[VOW]

To Damaris:

Transubstantiation is more than a mere "tradition." It is the very basic CORE of the Catholic faith. I don't think you truly understand what your husband is willing to sacrifice because you do not "agree" with the teachings of the Catholic Church.

The idea of him leaving behind transubstantiation is probably what is giving his family so much grief, as well.

I for one would rather have my heart cut out than to willingly deny myself the Real Presence of Christ in the Eucharist. It is far, far too precious.



Peace,
~VOW

 

[Anthony]

My kids are being raised as "generic christians" no additional colors or flavorings. Having your kids raised in "any" Christian environment is good, as long as there is a loving relationship and focus on God and not on doctrines. Drop the labeling, or else your kids will pick up the diversion, distrust, and religion bashing, and you may loose them entirely.

Is your husband going to become a member in "your" church? Is he going to stop going to his "old" Catholic Church?

Major on the Majors, and Minor on the Minors. Have your kids know God, versus getting them to understand and believe in every Tom, Dick, and Harry doctrine.

 

[damaris13]

Anthony, I agree with the whole "generic christian" idea.  Being raised by a Presbyterian chaplain in a non-denominational Army church, I really don't have the Presbyterian background (although sometimes I wish I did).  But we will be raising our children either Methodist or Presbyterian (PCA) as this is what my fiance and I have agreed to.

VOW, I understand that transubstantiation is more than just a tradition, and I do realize what my fiance is giving up.  This makes me love him all the more.  He has agreed to start a new life with me with the love and Grace of God and that we will raise our children to know the God and Christ we know.  We want to do this together.  I would not be a part of my children's faith if they were brought up in the catholic church, and this will hurt them more than help them.  He is comfortable with this decision.  The advice is on how to handle the situation with his parents, not try to change my mind or his.  We have decided and they refuse to accept and continue to tell him what to do.  You and I obviously do not see eye to eye on this issue, and that is ok.  Don't Protestants and Catholics believe in the same God who sent the same Christ to this earth to die for all of our sins? 

 

[Wolseley]

damaris, I don't think there's anything I can tell you that will help his family understand your position, or his decision. There are too many issues involved in this that contain too many core beliefs that are very deeply held on both sides.

I must be frank with you, and simply suggest that you prepare yourselves for a lifetime of contention with, and quite possibly estrangement from, his family. There is always the possibility that a healing may take place down the road some years hence, but it could also equally go the other way. It is best that you prepare yourselves now and face the fact that he may be divorcing himself from his family for the rest of his life. I say may be; I do not know his particular situation well enough.

This is one of the reasons the Church strongly discourages mixed marriages.

On a different subject, he is making a decision that I certainly could not, which is to leave the Church and estrange myself from it......I will be totally blunt with you and say that for myself, I would rather be dead than place myself outside the Catholic Church. That is not a decision I would ever make under ANY circumstances whatsoever, but that's me.

I do wish you the best of luck, and go with God.

 

[Anthony]

Dama

Your heart seems to me in the right place, just stay Christ-Like through the process. Never let them see you sweat, maintain a smile, and pray for direction, wisdom, and an understanding heart always. Stay always from doctrine issues and always focus on the "basics". In the end it is your Christian example that your Children will learn the most of God from.

 

[Anthony]

Originally posted by Wolseley
This is one of the reasons the Church strongly discourages mixed marriages.

Two Christians? This is a mixed marriage? How sad?

One God, one Savior, one Belief.

Thank God the Bible doesn't discourage two Christians, who know the Lord, from getting married.

 

[VOW]

To Anthony:

Two Christians? This is a mixed marriage? How sad?

It's obviously a "mixed marriage" just by looking at the family situation Damaris has posted. She refuses the teachings of the Catholic Church; her husband's family is upset that he is leaving Catholicism. The situation is PROFOUNDLY sad.


Peace,
~VOW

 

[Anthony]

Originally posted by VOW

It's obviously a "mixed marriage" just by looking at the family situation Damaris has posted.

A mixed marriage in who's eyes? Man's or God's