Need a Christian perspective on leaving a cheating husband.

[bm2]

So my husband and I have been married for almost 11 years. I was so lost when I met him, I was doing things no 15 year old should have been doing. I got pregnant and we had our first child, I found God during my pregnancy and he started transforming me. I was still half in half out and I wasn't being a biblical wife. Fast forward to 2010, my husband has worked miles away from home for most of our marriage but he had always left to work with his dad who is a believer and kept him in check. Around mid year, my husband leaves to a job without his dad, during the time he and I would fight so much that he ended up cheating and leaving me for the other woman. I realize I was not being a good wife at the time so I take responsibility for pushing him away but I acknowledge that he is the only one at fault of making the choice to cheat.

Anyway, I leaned on God and begged Him to restore my marriage. I asked him to speak to me and I heard a very clear "stay". I fasted and prayed asking God to have my husband break it off and come home by a certain date if he wanted me to stay invested in the marriage, lo and behold my husband left the other woman on the same day I mentioned in prayer. I made a monetary promise that I'd give X amount to a church once I felt my marriage was fully restored. Over the years I sent in a little money but never the full amount because I was still unsure.

Fast forward 5 years after the affair, we had expanded our family by two and I had worked through every single emotion imaginable, he kept working with his dad so I know he had not cheated during this time and I had rebuilt trust. He got a really good job offer in South America but his dad was unable to go. This was the job that would help us buy a home, but it would mean three months away from us without his dad to anchor him. Since I was at a point of trusting him I agreed.

I finally felt we were in a place of full restoration, I had truly forgiven him and I was ready to love him without fear so I sent in the check for the full amount of my monetary promise, this was two months into the job. Well lo and behold about a week after the check got cashed by the church my husband began an affair that lasted the last month of the time he was down there. I feel like I want to rationalize this as an attack because I was growing so close to God and had finally made good on my end of the promise. The funny thing is right before I sent in the check, the moment when I truly forgave my husband for the first affair and finally released everything to God I sat in the bathroom crying and begging Him not to let it happen again.

I don't know what to do this time, I told my husband he had a year to convince me to stay because I kept praying and all I heard was a faint "be still". I want to listen to God but I don't know if I have it in me to work through all the pain all over again. I think that right now the main thing keeping me here, apart from me loving this man, is that I don't want to break my children's hearts when they ask why I left their dad. I truly feel like I deserve better but I just can't discern what God wants me to do. I am so confused I can't figure out if he's really telling me to be still or if I'm telling myself that. I know God hasn't turned His back on me even though those are the kind of thoughts I have almost every day. I feel myself under attack so bad. All I really want is to know what He wants me to do, how do I figure it out?

 

[Hotinco]

I am so sorry you are going through this, an affair brings pain to the very core of your relationship with long lasting affects.

You have been through this before so you know what the road ahead looks like if you chose to stay. I can not advise you to leave, only to seek God and peace in your decision.

When discussing what the Bible says about divorce, it is important to keep in mind the words of Malachi 2:16, “I hate divorce, says the Lord God.”

The Bible gives two clear grounds for divorce: (1) sexual immorality (Matthew 5:32; 19:9) and (2) abandonment by an unbeliever (1 Corinthians 7:15). Even in these two instances, though, divorce is not required or even encouraged. The most that can be said is that sexual immorality and abandonment are grounds (an allowance) for divorce. Confession, forgiveness, reconciliation, and restoration are always the first steps. Divorce should only be viewed as a last resort.

I think your offer to him of 1 year is very reasonable and shows you are willing to work on the relationship. Listen to your heart, don't second guess what God is telling you. It is so much easier if he gives us a big neon sign, but as we know that is not how it works. You both need counseling, there is something at the root of his cheating that needs to be dealt with to move forward and a successful relationship.

There are so many factors that go into divorce we cannot see. Working things out is always the best for both sides.

 

[kmrichard7]

I wish virtual hugs were real hugs, you need a hug and i need to hug someone after reading your post. I'm so so sorry. That's got to be hard.
One thing that did stand out to me though was your promise to manetarily contribute to the church once God made good on your marriage, and before sending the check in you had one last request to send out. God isn't a vending machine where you put in and take out whenever it pleases. We are asked to contribute to the church so they can grow, reach the unreachable, and bless the lives of the community. Tithing is completely seperate from any requests you may have for your marriage or your life. Keep your monitary promise regardless of the turnout.

Stay, seek counsel within the church, pray hard and fast more. He will speak to you, just keep your eyes on Him and He will speak to you.

Take care of yourself.

 

[akmom]

I have to agree with kmrichard7. I don't think you can negotiate with God. You can only make your requests known to Him.

I don't want to give advice on divorce either, but I do want to mention some of the things a person can expect when they divorce. It seems so many people don't think this through, and then they are devastated by the natural course of events that follows a divorce.

1. You will have to forfeit time with your children.

I knew a wonderful mother who hated her husband and finally left him and moved away. She got to keep her two young daughters during the school year, but the court granted time to the father over summer and Christmas vacation. She had to spend every single summer without her children. Every Christmas without her children. You don't get that time back. She was also responsible for half the cost of travel... plane tickets for two children twice a year. It was hard for a single mom.

I knew another mom who went out of state for college, had a baby there and then left the father. She could not leave the state, because she didn't have permission to take the child from his father. She had no friends or family there, no support network, and so it was hard to find a job there and get settled. She was away from her family, and wanted to move back home where she was from. But to do that, she had to get primary custody and then permission from the court to move, which takes time, money, and required her to show proof that the move was in the best interest of the child. It took her two years to even be able to move back home with her son, and then she still had to spend summers without him because of the father's visitation rights.

I have a few local friends whose exes are in the area, so visitation is in smaller, more frequent chunks of time. Weekends plus Wednesdays seem popular. Then there is the endless coordination of homework and personal items, and often contentious drop-off times.

2. You will have to support yourself.

If you don't work, you will have to after a divorce. Child support isn't enough to live off, and it costs more to maintain two separate households. Single parenthood is the leading cause of poverty in the U.S. There is some help in the form of food assistance, housing assistance and sometimes childcare assistance, but all these programs depend on you being within a certain level of poverty, so if you do get ahead financially, they disappear and you're back where you started.

Then there is the pursuit of child support, which can be tricky, especially if your husband works out of the country. The amount of support you get can change if he changes jobs, becomes unemployed, or has more children of his own to support.

3. You don't get to decide who lives with your children.

Few people stay single. When the ex finds a new girlfriend or wife, she will probably move in, and that is who your children will live with when they are with the other parent. You don't get to decide who she is, how she behaves in front of your children (unless it's illegal and you can prove it), or what discipline styles your ex or his significant other use on your children. You also don't get a say in what other children are in that home or how they influence your kids or treat your kids.

 

[Brianlear]

I'm sorry you are going through this. I am a bit troubled by some of your actions, mainly, the way you dealt with money and God. It seems like you were thinking that if you simply wrote a check to your church that God would somehow grant all your wishes and desires. Several times you mention that you literally "prayed" to God that he grant you a wish "by a certain time" and if he gave it to you, you would give more money.

That is not how God works. Not in any way, shape or form. I think you need to change your perspective first, before anything.

 

[Strength from Angels]

<3

 

[Strength from Angels]

This woman is hurting...sometimes when you are hurting the decisions you make aren't the most logical. Everything in me believes the 'ATM machine' idea many of the responses have mentioned wasn't her intent at all. When you're in a situation like this, your logic becomes skewed and you'll try any and everything for God to take the pain away and restore your marriage. Perhaps the big payment was a seed of gratitude in addition to her normal tithes. Give her a break on that one, we are all growing as Christian's feeling our way through how to be a good Christian as we go thru life.

My heart goes out you you my friend. I've gone through this...still am, and it hurts. You question God, you question your thoughts, you question if it's in your mind or if God if really saying what you think he is. It's tough but stay in prayer. I've learned that God does not create confusion, instead, he is very clear in his commands to us. Ask for continued peace and understanding and you will find your way.

 

[Crimsonsaint]

My wife is leaving me for the party lifestyle she could not have woth me. i am told she is cheating on me. i am told i have done nothing to cause this but i still feel like i did something. your story is encouragement to me right now. please know that your pain is being used to help little ol me and not in a twisted way. if god said be still then he will help you with the pain. right now he has to disapline your husband. be still and let god do. the ball is in your husbands hands not yours. you need to just be still.

 

[greatideas1144]

So my husband and I have been married for almost 11 years. I was so lost when I met him, I was doing things no 15 year old should have been doing. I got pregnant and we had our first child, I found God during my pregnancy and he started transforming me. I was still half in half out and I wasn't being a biblical wife. Fast forward to 2010, my husband has worked miles away from home for most of our marriage but he had always left to work with his dad who is a believer and kept him in check. Around mid year, my husband leaves to a job without his dad, during the time he and I would fight so much that he ended up cheating and leaving me for the other woman. I realize I was not being a good wife at the time so I take responsibility for pushing him away but I acknowledge that he is the only one at fault of making the choice to cheat.

Anyway, I leaned on God and begged Him to restore my marriage. I asked him to speak to me and I heard a very clear "stay". I fasted and prayed asking God to have my husband break it off and come home by a certain date if he wanted me to stay invested in the marriage, lo and behold my husband left the other woman on the same day I mentioned in prayer. I made a monetary promise that I'd give X amount to a church once I felt my marriage was fully restored. Over the years I sent in a little money but never the full amount because I was still unsure.

Fast forward 5 years after the affair, we had expanded our family by two and I had worked through every single emotion imaginable, he kept working with his dad so I know he had not cheated during this time and I had rebuilt trust. He got a really good job offer in South America but his dad was unable to go. This was the job that would help us buy a home, but it would mean three months away from us without his dad to anchor him. Since I was at a point of trusting him I agreed.

I finally felt we were in a place of full restoration, I had truly forgiven him and I was ready to love him without fear so I sent in the check for the full amount of my monetary promise, this was two months into the job. Well lo and behold about a week after the check got cashed by the church my husband began an affair that lasted the last month of the time he was down there. I feel like I want to rationalize this as an attack because I was growing so close to God and had finally made good on my end of the promise. The funny thing is right before I sent in the check, the moment when I truly forgave my husband for the first affair and finally released everything to God I sat in the bathroom crying and begging Him not to let it happen again.

I don't know what to do this time, I told my husband he had a year to convince me to stay because I kept praying and all I heard was a faint "be still". I want to listen to God but I don't know if I have it in me to work through all the pain all over again. I think that right now the main thing keeping me here, apart from me loving this man, is that I don't want to break my children's hearts when they ask why I left their dad. I truly feel like I deserve better but I just can't discern what God wants me to do. I am so confused I can't figure out if he's really telling me to be still or if I'm telling myself that. I know God hasn't turned His back on me even though those are the kind of thoughts I have almost every day. I feel myself under attack so bad. All I really want is to know what He wants me to do, how do I figure it out?

Hi,
As I was reading through your issue, I was a bit compelled to respond. I am very sorry you are experiencing the marriage problem you are facing right now. We might not be consciously aware that we sometimes have a weighing scale on faults or sin. We have that tendency to make some sins heavy while making others light. Sin is sin no matter what, and being unfaithful or adulterous is just the same as a lying tongue or corruption, or any other usual fault that we have the chance of doing. Your husband is just like us who is human and definitely vulnerable to sin. It just happen that his struggle is unfaithfulness to your marriage. Christ died on the cross for us who are actually His enemies (because we sin a lot and He hates sin).Did he have second thoughts? No, he did it and saved us despite our sinfulness. Does Christ thought of separating from us? I don't think so because when He decided to love us, He decided strongly to love us even though we are unlovable. I believe that you should not entertain the thought of separating because that is God's design for your life. He builds you through your circumstances, and if you pray hard for your husband, he may or may not change, but definitely, you will be changed. Apply grace.

 

[Goatee]

Waw. Sad story.

Myself, i was the adulterer! Cheated on my wife.

No love in our marriage. Been together 30 yrs now. 1 child.

You cannot buy God. You cannot 'get' God to do things for you. You cannot 'bribe' God. All the money in the world wont help. You have a cross to bear. God is helping you carry it.

Me? I am 100% weak. Wife and I still together but only for the child. No movement in how she feels for me. I was massively in the wrong. I stepped over the line. We were having problems for many years before the affair. Marriage was on a slippery slope.

Now?

Not sure where my life is going. Yes, i have prayed and prayed. Asked God continuously to help. Feels like His door is firmly closed on me! Thats 'my' thought though as i know God always has open arms for all of his creation.

Hang in there. If you can talk with hubby then great. He needs a lot of help. Obviously he has issues somewhere. For me, it was a lack of love, closeness etc. Just emptiness!

 

[greatideas1144]

That's sad bro, but you have to check again what was on your mind when you married your wife, also the circumstances then. I am telling you this because in my perspective, nothing happens by accident. everything has been preordained by God therefore your marriage was really meant by God.
You also have to check what kind of love is in between you and your wife because God's love or "agape" is a love that is not merely feelings and emotions but a decision to love the person even though he is the worst of his kind (you discover).
I really pray that God in His own time and special way talk to you and improve your circumstance towards the greater glory of His name.