Yes EZoolander, she started to behave like this the week of Thanksgiving.
Last night when she finally got home, we actually sat down and spoke for over an hour. No yelling, no screaming, no attitudes, just a private well tempered talk. We both aired our feelings and concerns and we both shed tears along the way through the discussion.
Although this sounds like a good thing, I definitely didn't hear what I wanted to hear;
We spoke of her not wanting to be around me, not wanting me to hug her, not wanting to give each other kisses when one of us comes home from work or leaves, not holding hands (basically, all those little nice intimate moments that married couples share). She said that she feels like I'm trying to smother her, because this is what she wanted all along, and I never gave it to her when I was drinking. Now she doesn't know how to receive it.
She told me that she's very confused and doesn't know what she wants right now. The only thing that she's sure of is that she needs space. I asked her if she wanted to separate because the atmosphere in our house isn't good for the girls. She told me if I wanted to move, go ahead. I told her that I didn't think that was fair, because right now, I'm the one that wants to save the relationship, and that if she wanted to separate, she should be the one to move out. She refused. I also added that if I were still drinking, then she had every right to ask me to be the one to move and I would oblige her if that were the case. I told her it should be the more stable parent that stays in the house with the girls.
She also said a few of things that really had me doubting if she ever wants to reconcile. She told me that now she's 40 and feels her life is half over. She wants to be happy for the rest of her life and be with someone that she has things in common with and we have nothing in common. She also asked me if I wanted her to be happy. I told her yes, and that's one of the reasons I began my sobriety. She told me that I should be getting sober for me. I agreed but added that her and the kids are a part of me, and everyone has a stake in my sobriety. I told her that my sobriety shows my love to her, to the kids and shows the love I have for myself (wanting to be a better person) and shows my love for God. In other words, no one earthly person is the sole reason for my sobriety. I also made sure that she understood that if our marriage ended in a divorce, that wouldn't mean that I would start drinking again, and the weight of my sobriety lies squarely on my shoulders and my shoulders alone. She also brought up this story of when we were in Switzerland on vacation one time. We saw an old couple (probably both in their eighties) walking and holding hands. When we saw them, I said to her, I hope that's us one day. She said that she does want that to be her, but she doesn't know if she'll be holding hands with me. She reiterated her question after that about if I wanted her to be happy. And also added that her being happy may be her leaving me and moving on. I told her, if that's what she wanted, I couldn't MAKE her stay. That I would be heart broken, and I wouldn't be happy at all, but if that's what ends up happening, what could I do? She also told me that she can't stand it when I say, "I love you" to her and that I need to stop. I asked her how she expected to make things better, if we're not even attempting to make them better. I told her that I believe that if we didn't actively try to move closer together, we would naturally drift apart. She said if that's what happens, that's what happens. I think this is our road that we are traveling on and I can't do anything to steer this relationship away from that.
We spoke about going out to bars too. I told her I didn't like her going to bars, let alone that there are single guys that are a part of the group of people she goes with. She said this is what she's wants to do and that she's hurt that I feel like she would go out and cheat on me with some other guy. I asked her how was I supposed to feel when she just never wants to be around me? I told her not to take this wrong way, but she'd already described herself as emotionally unstable, and if she is, she can be taken advantage of or just make a plain old bad decision. Plus I said that it may be true that she wouldn't be with another man until she were divorced, but I just have a hard time digesting that. I mean it's pretty devastating to think that she would rather be with no one than be with me. And that's why I feel that she's either looking for someone else (intentionally) or may fall for someone else (unintentionally).
Right now, I think the best I can do is give her the space she's asked for and try to keep a level head. I also need to go right to the bible any time I start obsessing over where she is, what she's doing or who she's with. I also told her that her behavior is affecting the girls, and I think it best that we let them know what's going on. They've picked up on the extreme tension within the house and are starting to question her authority. I'm planning on having a talk with them (with limited details, of course) after Christmas, and my wife agreed. She wanted me to talk to them, but now that I think about it, it's probably best that we both explain it to them. Anyway, I'm going to the counselor on Wednesday, I will ask her what she thinks is the best course of action.
I don't know if I'll come back to this website or not. Right now I feel like it's a done deal. That her mind is pretty much made up. This is way out of my control and the only one that can fix this is God. God is the only one that can grasp my wife's heart and guide her. God can soften anyone's heart, so there might be a chance. I keep praying asking God that if it's his will to please fix my marriage, and would ask all of you kind people that have attempted to help me through this to please pray for my marriage and my wife as well.
Again, thank you all, and God bless you.
In Christ,
Kevin
Last night when she finally got home, we actually sat down and spoke for over an hour. No yelling, no screaming, no attitudes, just a private well tempered talk. We both aired our feelings and concerns and we both shed tears along the way through the discussion.
Although this sounds like a good thing, I definitely didn't hear what I wanted to hear;
We spoke of her not wanting to be around me, not wanting me to hug her, not wanting to give each other kisses when one of us comes home from work or leaves, not holding hands (basically, all those little nice intimate moments that married couples share). She said that she feels like I'm trying to smother her, because this is what she wanted all along, and I never gave it to her when I was drinking. Now she doesn't know how to receive it.
She told me that she's very confused and doesn't know what she wants right now. The only thing that she's sure of is that she needs space. I asked her if she wanted to separate because the atmosphere in our house isn't good for the girls. She told me if I wanted to move, go ahead. I told her that I didn't think that was fair, because right now, I'm the one that wants to save the relationship, and that if she wanted to separate, she should be the one to move out. She refused. I also added that if I were still drinking, then she had every right to ask me to be the one to move and I would oblige her if that were the case. I told her it should be the more stable parent that stays in the house with the girls.
She also said a few of things that really had me doubting if she ever wants to reconcile. She told me that now she's 40 and feels her life is half over. She wants to be happy for the rest of her life and be with someone that she has things in common with and we have nothing in common. She also asked me if I wanted her to be happy. I told her yes, and that's one of the reasons I began my sobriety. She told me that I should be getting sober for me. I agreed but added that her and the kids are a part of me, and everyone has a stake in my sobriety. I told her that my sobriety shows my love to her, to the kids and shows the love I have for myself (wanting to be a better person) and shows my love for God. In other words, no one earthly person is the sole reason for my sobriety. I also made sure that she understood that if our marriage ended in a divorce, that wouldn't mean that I would start drinking again, and the weight of my sobriety lies squarely on my shoulders and my shoulders alone. She also brought up this story of when we were in Switzerland on vacation one time. We saw an old couple (probably both in their eighties) walking and holding hands. When we saw them, I said to her, I hope that's us one day. She said that she does want that to be her, but she doesn't know if she'll be holding hands with me. She reiterated her question after that about if I wanted her to be happy. And also added that her being happy may be her leaving me and moving on. I told her, if that's what she wanted, I couldn't MAKE her stay. That I would be heart broken, and I wouldn't be happy at all, but if that's what ends up happening, what could I do? She also told me that she can't stand it when I say, "I love you" to her and that I need to stop. I asked her how she expected to make things better, if we're not even attempting to make them better. I told her that I believe that if we didn't actively try to move closer together, we would naturally drift apart. She said if that's what happens, that's what happens. I think this is our road that we are traveling on and I can't do anything to steer this relationship away from that.
We spoke about going out to bars too. I told her I didn't like her going to bars, let alone that there are single guys that are a part of the group of people she goes with. She said this is what she's wants to do and that she's hurt that I feel like she would go out and cheat on me with some other guy. I asked her how was I supposed to feel when she just never wants to be around me? I told her not to take this wrong way, but she'd already described herself as emotionally unstable, and if she is, she can be taken advantage of or just make a plain old bad decision. Plus I said that it may be true that she wouldn't be with another man until she were divorced, but I just have a hard time digesting that. I mean it's pretty devastating to think that she would rather be with no one than be with me. And that's why I feel that she's either looking for someone else (intentionally) or may fall for someone else (unintentionally).
Right now, I think the best I can do is give her the space she's asked for and try to keep a level head. I also need to go right to the bible any time I start obsessing over where she is, what she's doing or who she's with. I also told her that her behavior is affecting the girls, and I think it best that we let them know what's going on. They've picked up on the extreme tension within the house and are starting to question her authority. I'm planning on having a talk with them (with limited details, of course) after Christmas, and my wife agreed. She wanted me to talk to them, but now that I think about it, it's probably best that we both explain it to them. Anyway, I'm going to the counselor on Wednesday, I will ask her what she thinks is the best course of action.
I don't know if I'll come back to this website or not. Right now I feel like it's a done deal. That her mind is pretty much made up. This is way out of my control and the only one that can fix this is God. God is the only one that can grasp my wife's heart and guide her. God can soften anyone's heart, so there might be a chance. I keep praying asking God that if it's his will to please fix my marriage, and would ask all of you kind people that have attempted to help me through this to please pray for my marriage and my wife as well.
Again, thank you all, and God bless you.
In Christ,
Kevin
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