my wife told me she hates me

[kevin69]

Just a little back ground. I started going to church about 10 to 12 years ago, because I wanted to give my children a good Christian background. The problem with my plan is that I never stopped drinking over all of those years until a little more than 2 months ago. My wife has been after me for about 5 years for me to quit because it was affected the household. Finally, I quit, but now it seems as though she's been very cold and distant. She doesn't want to hold hands, kiss me when I come home from work or have sex. All things we were doing up until I quit. We've talked over the last couple of weeks and she's said that it's too late. That the damage I've caused is done and that she doesn't know how she feels about me anymore. Yesterday it came to a head. I told her that I understand that I've hurt her and that if she needs time to figure things out, it's fine. But the only thing I ask is that she be a little bit more receptive to me trying to hold hands and kiss here when I leave for work or come home from work (I didn't even bring up the sex thing, because, in my opinion that would come in time). She turned to me and told me, "would you hug or kiss someone you hate?" I was devastated and wept like I haven't wept in decades. I just don't know what to do.

 

[LinkH]

Hi,

I'm sorry to hear about the problems you have been facing in your marriage.

I think you should continue to focus on being a Christian who walks in holiness and strengthening your relationship with the Lord. Believe in Christ, and grow in your faith. If you haven't gotten baptized, get baptize. Study the word of God, maybe with another man who can disciple you.

Work on all those areas of your life where you were weak as a husband. Is your wife a believer? You can start working on your leadership in the home. When I first got married, I thought my wife has a Bible college degree. It didn't feel all that urgent to study the Bible with her. But I find that simply reading a passage and maybe discussing it at night several times a week is a really good practice and helps our marriage. We pray together often. We also usually do our family devotions with the kids. It's good to have some real prayer apart from praying over meals. If you provide spiritual leadership, that may meet some need she has, and if she takes her faith seriously, she may also respect that. If not, she may respect it anyway. If she doesn't respect it, you can do it for the Lord and for your family.

You can also spend some time with your wife praying together about past sins that haven't been forgiven and forgiving one another, asking the Lord to warm up her feelings. I can tell you, it is possible to recover from a cold spell where one partner loses some of their feelings for the other. I've also experienced where just the simple practice of both of us humbling ourselves before the Lord, being willing to confess our sins to the Lord and to one another, telling God we couldn't fix it and asking Him to send the Holy Spirit to work on us-- resulted in the hard feelings melting away and a restoration of relationship.

You said you drank for years. Do you mean you had a glass of wine with dinner and your wife didn't approve, or did you get drunk often? Were you kind of scary when you were drunk? Your wife could have been more affectionate with you then to keep you calm. If you were a kind of macho tough, drunk, maybe your wife is attracted to macho men. Maybe she was attracted to a man she could try to fix. Or maybe her feelings have little to do with your drinking and she's going through a stage of life where she is rethinking things. Maybe she's under an attack from the enemy who sees your household getting straightened out and wants to put a stop to that. These are some things to think about. If you were satisfying some emotional desire of hers when you drank, maybe you could figure out some other way to satisfy that without drinking.

You could also try marriage counseling. An easy place to start for some couples is a pastor or elders, especially if he has some skill and experience in this area.

It's got to hurt when someone you love says she hates you. If that happened to me, after my wife cooled down, I'd show her that verse that says if anyone hates his brother, he is a murderer and the truth is not in him. That's a heavy verse. I might go for Matthew 5. I'd ask her not to give voice to her feelings in that way. I'd also ask her to pray with me about it. I'd pray for her feelings she's having.

Something else to keep in mind is that feelings can be temporary. In this case, she may have said something more extreme than normal. If she keeps it up, don't cry in front of her, especially if she's seen it once already. If she's prone to say harsh stuff when she's angry, try to treat it a little like a kid who does the same sort of thing. Keep your cool during it, and not let it get to you. It can hurt if your kids say something like that, but if it's a little kid, you can kind of let it not hurt you so bad if you see the big picture. You know your wife, though. That could be a really big deal if she never says anything like that. Maybe since you aren't drinking, she is opening up to you more.

You can also tell her that for years she wanted a husband who would not drink who would be good to her in X ways that she wanted. Now, you are hear to do that. You are sorry for the past. But now she can have what she's wanted for so long, and ask her to enjoy it and work with you to have the kind of marriage that she's dreamed about for all these years.

 

[Tropical Wilds]

Is she going to a support group for people who's family members are recovering alcoholics? It may be resentment about your drinking, but it may also be that, now you are recovering, she is struggling to define her role in your relationship.

I'd also save the use of the Bible to fault her for the way she feels for a different day... Like the day after never. A woman who feels animosity and hates her husband probably won't take to being told she's a liar and a murderer. /justsaying

 

[LinkH]

I'd also save the use of the Bible to fault her for the way she feels for a different day... Like the day after never. A woman who feels animosity and hates her husband probably won't take to being told she's a liar and a murderer. /justsaying

That's why I said I might read that to my wife, or go with a verse that is a little easier to read in Matthew 5. It's best to get this sort of thing out of the way before someone does it. I don't want any "I hate you" talk in the house. That's something my wife and I teach our children, so it's something we both agree on that we don't want in the household.

I think he should figure out a wise way to tell her she shouldn't say such things. There are better ways to express your feelings. If he's just recovered from 5 years of drinking, he shouldn't say stuff that will come off as self-righteous to her, which could be easy to do in that situation.

 

[iambren]

First, 2 months is no great "claim to fame" over quitting drinking. Maybe a year of sobriety then you have some bragging rights.

There's something missing to this story, I believe. What did you DO that made you quit (out of guilt?)drinking and made her start hating? If I were to ask your wife what one thing brings out hatred for her husband what would that be?

 

[americanvet]

I am sorry for your troubles.

1. If not, accept Christ as your Savior.
2. Pray to God, read the Bible, and worship with believers.
3. Serve your family like you could loose them at any minute and love the same. But don't smoother.
4. Counseling together.
5. Did I mention pray.

 

[Observer]

I'm sorry you're having a hard time. Maybe things seem like they're getting worse because you're doing the right thing, you know how sometimes the better you do, the more bad influences try to attack you.

Also maybe your wife is now expressing all of her feelings over things that happened in the past, maybe she didn't feel open to expressing them until you finally stopped drinking. Maybe she held some of her feelings back while you were drinking and now it's just flooding out, all her resentment and hurt. Also if she's not Christian, the whole church thing might be adding to her resentment. Maybe she also feels that you will just start drinking again one day so why bother trying to be happy if it's temporary.

I've just been married 4 years and my husband and I tell each other we hate each other now and then. It's always out of resentment and hurt.. but we have our own, pretty major.. problems. My husband wouldnt care if I said I hate him. He'd just call me a name in return.. he never gets upset. he also has a drinking problem.

I hope things can improve soon, maybe you should ask if she'd like to go to marriage counselling with you. I'm considering marriage counselling too. We always say we will do it and then don't get around to it...

 

[Tropical Wilds]

First, 2 months is no great "claim to fame" over quitting drinking. Maybe a year of sobriety then you have some bragging rights.

This is totally unnecessary. 2 months sobriety is a really big deal and fantastic progress. It doesn't mean the work is over, but it does mean that he's taken some solid and fantastic steps away from the illness that has been gripping him for so long.

I mean seriously, would you tell somebody who's been cancer-free for two months that it was nothing to acknowledge? Besides which, he wasn't asking for atta boys, he was sharing his story.

 

[kevin69]

Thank you and God bless you all for your replies and insights. First a little more background to address some of the questions and/or comments; I wasn't brought up in a religious household. I was saved at the age of 13 but backslid (I'll get into more detail later) for a very long time. My wife is my high school sweetheart. We started dating almost 25 years ago to this day. We dated for about 3 years or so and then broke up for a few years. After we got back together, we married about 2 years later and had our 1st child a little more than a year after our wedding. When our eldest got to be school age I wanted her and our 2nd child to be brought up with a Christian background, we enrolled both in a private Christian school and started attending church regularly. Personally I was just going through the motions of going to church, attending fellowships, etc.. All the while I was drinking and smoking and living life the way I wanted to live it. But it wasn't until a certain sermon that the pastor gave and cited some verses that had me questioning my salvation. That we should be dead to sin and we should be new creatures and living life to the glory of God. This was my "Aha moment" in life (and in my opinion the point in my life that I was truly saved). My wife was brought up Catholic and although she has yet to accept Christ as her Savior, she encourages our kids to attend our Baptist church every time the church doors are open and is active with the women's activities about 75% of the time.


Now let me address some questions and comments specifically;

LinkH - When I drank I would get drunk more than half of the time. I probably drank every 2 to 3 days. I can get nasty when drunk and now in retrospect, I know my wife tried not to instigate anything when I was drinking. She almost always expressed her displeasure the next morning. We spoke last night and she's willing to attend counseling now. Although she told me the damage has been done and thinks it won't work. Believe it or not, this is an improvement. A short while ago, she told me that she wouldn't attend counseling because she wasn't the one with the problem.

Tropical wilds - I will suggest the al-anon to my wife. I didn't think of it because I always looked at it as a meeting for people who were related or married to people currently rapt in addiction. Thank you and God bless you.

iambren - I've reread my original post and could not for the life of me find the part where I was bragging about being sober for two months. Even if I were sober for a year, there would have been a point of that sobriety that it was only 2 months sober. You have to start somewhere. I'm not proud of my alcohol problem and thus would never be proud of my sobriety. Reason being is that if I were living my life properly all along, I wouldn't have had a drinking problem to begin with. Anyway I realize and admitted to my wife (included in my original post) that I've caused great hurt within the family. I fully except that and take full responsibility of that. Now it's time for me to atone for what I've done because I can't undo it. I can only change who I am today, not who I was yesterday. I was simply asking for advice of what I should do now. But thanks for bashing me and God bless you.

americanvet - I am currently doing 1, 2 and 5 on your list. I spoke to my wife and we'll start counseling soon (either this week or next, all I have to do is make the appointment and my wife is willing to attend). I like #3 - that's great advice and I will start doing that today. Thank you and God bless you

Observer - Very insightful. My wife actually told me the exact things you mentioned. #1) She feels free to express her feelings that I've now stopped drinking. #2) She does have apprehensions as to how long my sobriety will last. We will start counseling soon. Thank you and God bless you.

Tropical wilds - Thanks for understanding my position and my reason for me coming on here to begin with (I'm referring to your 2nd post). Thank you and God bless you.

 

[Hetta]

When I drank I would get drunk more than half of the time. I probably drank every 2 to 3 days. I can get nasty when drunk and now in retrospect, I know my wife tried not to instigate anything when I was drinking. She almost always expressed her displeasure the next morning. We spoke last night and she's willing to attend counseling now. Although she told me the damage has been done and thinks it won't work. Believe it or not, this is an improvement. A short while ago, she told me that she wouldn't attend counseling because she wasn't the one with the problem.

I echo your wife. Why is she getting counseling when you are the addict? I don't know how you got sober, but to remain sober, you will need a great deal of counseling and outside support. Your wife cannot be your mentor in this. You need someone who has been there, and recovered to support you.

 

[Hetta]

You said you drank for years. Do you mean you had a glass of wine with dinner and your wife didn't approve, or did you get drunk often? Were you kind of scary when you were drunk? Your wife could have been more affectionate with you then to keep you calm.

This is quite outrageous.

I hope that nobody ever follows this advice to be "affectionate" with a scary, drunk person to "try to keep them calm." What a person should do is remove themselves from the situation asap.

Wow. Just such a frightening piece of "advice" to give to others.

 

[Hetta]

To the OP: congratulations on your sobriety. I know a thing or two about alcoholism and counseling. If you are not in a program, please find one. You need very strong support right now, for your sobriety as much as for your marriage.

Someone else said something about your wife may for the first time feel free to give her feelings, perhaps withheld them in the past out of fear, and this may be true. Living with an alcoholic is a frightening, isolating experience.

But I don't believe that she does hate you. But only she knows for sure.

She has understood you and waited on you for a long time, so perhaps it is time for you to show her some patience, yes?

 

[mkgal1]

Congratulations on your sobriety, and your decision to begin with a new foundation. I'm sure those words from your wife stung......but, sincerity is the only way you two can have a new life......it's actually something to be thankful for. (Hate isn't necessarily something to fear......indifference is.) Unless things are dug up and placed out there to work with---any healing will be superficial. I pray that she's still willing to allow for your past life together to *not* define what can be----going forward.

 

[mkgal1]

She has understood you and waited on you for a long time, so perhaps it is time for you to show her some patience, yes?

I agree with this. I don't think that having expectations for how she is to respond to you (OP) is going to be helpful. It sounds as if those expectations are already pushing her away (which is most people's natural response to that). Love freely given is far superior to a person acting out of obligation and guilt.

 

[Cute Tink]

I echo your wife. Why is she getting counseling when you are the addict?

Just as a thought: she could learn constructive ways to express her feelings, or, at the very least, it could be a safe place for her to express her feelings with someone there to make sure she can be heard.

 

[Hetta]

Just as a thought: she could learn constructive ways to express her feelings, or, at the very least, it could be a safe place for her to express her feelings with someone there to make sure she can be heard.

Of course, but in my opinion, the issues that caused his alcoholism should be of primary importance, and the marriage issues may even need to be placed on the back burner so that he can concentrate on healing. As his wife begins to believe in his recovery, perhaps some of her anger will abate. I wish she would join al-anon or other, similar program. Even now it would help her to understand her feelings. Again, I just don't see marriage counseling as top priority.

 

[cactusrose]

Just an idea.Did things escalate .Did you act extra nasty by chance or do something extra nasty right before you quit?Did you reach a new low right before you quit and that is what she says she hates you for?

 

[mjmcmillan]

I echo your wife. Why is she getting counseling when you are the addict? I don't know how you got sober, but to remain sober, you will need a great deal of counseling and outside support. Your wife cannot be your mentor in this. You need someone who has been there, and recovered to support you.

Maybe I can answer this, at least a little. Believe it or not, addiction in the family tends to infect, in one way or another, every member of the family. If you're not the one directly with the problem, then you get corrupted into being an enabler of the one who directly has the problem. It's subtle, but there. You love the addict and so try to shield him/her from the effects of the addiction. Further, a life spent walking on eggshells so you don't enrage the addict and create more troubles will have a negative effect on anybody.

I am the son of an alcoholic, and I have been through two marriages and divorces to the same alcoholic/drug addicted woman. I DO understand the need for Al-Anon or programs similar to it. At present, I attend "Celebrate Recovery" meetings on Friday nights at my local church.

 

[Cute Tink]

Of course, but in my opinion, the issues that caused his alcoholism should be of primary importance, and the marriage issues may even need to be placed on the back burner so that he can concentrate on healing. As his wife begins to believe in his recovery, perhaps some of her anger will abate. I wish she would join al-anon or other, similar program. Even now it would help her to understand her feelings. Again, I just don't see marriage counseling as top priority.

Definitely.

Just to add, to the OP, you cannot expect that your wife will experience an immediate turn-around in your wife's feelings or that she will be grateful that you have gotten sober after 5 years of her trying to get you too. I also hope that you are quitting drinking for yourself and not to pacify your wife, because then you may develop feelings of resentment toward her when you want a drink.

 

[cactusrose]

I also hope that you are quitting drinking for yourself and not to pacify your wife, because then you may develop feelings of resentment toward her when you want a drink.
__________________

I agree or thinking she owes him a reward that he quit doing something he never should have been doing in the first place that caused her serious harm.

I will refer to the stabbing again .If someone is stabbing you and you say please stop stabbing me it hurts and I'm bleeding.And they stop.Should the person who was stabbing then expect you to turn around and immediately reward and praise them for not stabbing you anymore?I love you so much now and can't get enough of you because you stopped stabbing me?