My wife does not feel any passion for me anymore

[abacabb3]

I really hate writing about this here, but I really need the advice and prayers of others. I'll try to be unbiased in writing this, but again, you're earing only my side of the story.

My wife and I were very passionate up until a month after we were married. We never had premarital sex or anything like that, but we very warm with each other (hugging and the sort) before we were married.

I am very much in love with my wife, but I observe that all the tell tale signs that my wife simply doesn't feel the same. She never wants to not only have any sort of relations with me, she never wants to hug me when I walk through the door at work, wake up in the morning etcetera. My wife will do anything she is asked begrudgingly, but never initiates anything physical. Words like "never" are not exaggerations and it is becoming very difficult for me to feel the same way that I do approaching my wife with any sort of affection because it is never reciprocated.

I asked my wife about it for almost a year and I, not her, reached out to our pastor and an older couple at church. In response to advice I try hard to be spontaneous, tell her I love her, and most importantly forgive. I try asking my wife what's wrong and she says nothing or "I have to think about it."

Finally, things came at a head after I took her out for the evening after working all day and after asking her wall week calmly to initiate any sort of physical affection towards me, she did not. I calmly asked her for about ten minutes and she would not take me serious and laugh at me. So, though it is very difficult for me due to my own weaknesses, I didn't yell or anything but pretty much withdrawn from her because it just bothered me too much.

It got teased out of my wife that she does indeed resent me for treating her like "a s*it." She said I didn't respect her at all and that I treat her as a child and don't let her make decisions. She was not willing to forgive me because I simply repeat my same mistakes.

Respect. My wife is right and wrong about this. I have an issue with anger and even though I am never physical, it is very obvious when I am dissatisfied and I get very stressed out. Particularly early in our marriage, I was not sensitive in the way in which I showed it, as I grew up with my father and my brother and the way men settle anger when they talk about it is not very sensitive.

After four months so I got about 50% better, which isn't great, but it is better than nothing.

About being a child. Also, early in our marriage, I was overbearing with my wife, particularly about food. For the amount of time that I work, I eat pretty healthy and maintain a stable weight by eating fixed portions. For years, before being married, I would even tell my parents what they should and should not eat.

So, like a child, my wife would always want to buy junk food like chips when food shopping, and in my old habits I would say "no, it's not good for you." To this day, her eyes light up whenever there is something tasty on TV or in front of her somewhere and she gets all giddy and shakes her fists. It is highly annoying to me that she is never happy to see me, the sight of food makes her eyes light up these days, not me. She posts pictures of food on facebook. My wife isn't overweight, but I honestly see the beginnings of an eating disorder.

Nonetheless, I was in the wrong most when at a party, when it was 9 o'clock at night she wanted to eat fried food. For whatever psychological reasons aside from health reasons, I told her that she shouldn't eat it and she did anyway. Without making a scene, we left the party because quite frankly I was livid over being defied. I'm not sure if it makes sense to anyone here, but what bothered me was not the calories, but it was that it was more important to my wife to stuff her face and make a fight rather than not doing so and correctly me later when we were not in a public place. So, in effect, she chose fried food and pleasing herself over pleasing me and averting anger.

I say this not to justify myself, but rather I was clearly in the wrong. So, after that day, I stopped forbidding her anything of that sort and will only give an opinion when asked.

Otherwise, my wife doesn't really care about anything else, so I am honestly not guilty of controlling her in any other way. I always ask her what she wants to do, she makes me decide, she doesn't want to get a different job (she works for me), she's just incredibly indecisive. When she gets a day "off" (every saturday,) she spends half the day trying to figure out whether or not she should do aerobics or clean the house first. She has had a pair of pants she has had to return to Kohls for more than a year, simply because she can never get everything she needs done without guidance. This Saturday, all she did was vacuum the house and clean the bathroom. She didn't accomplish one other thing, not really that it bothers me, but it is because she is so indecisive she will spend all day thinking about what she ought to do and then the day ends. It's just a problem that she has.

My presumptions. I can't hold my wife accountable to any presumptions, so I only say these in passing. I believe my wife is profoundly disappointed that she works for me. My wife was one of the top scholars in her whole country (no exaggeration) and she went to an engineering college totally for free due to her academics before college. Her college academics were decent, she had a 3.2 GPA, but her work and performance never stood out enough to get any sort of job in engineering. I believe she is profoundly disappointed about this, and she has since not been able to even get a job in a supermarket. To be honest, she doesn't try very hard and we as a couple make more money if she works for my business. However, her dreams in engineering are simply unattainable to her, and I believe she is mad at me because if she wasn't married to be, she would have more geographic mobility to pursue this dream, even if nothing came of it.

In summary. So, now I wonder what to do. I have been trying so hard to improve for months, but my wife never reciprocates. My wife tells me she is happy when I am away on business trips, because she is happy that I am not around. All I want her to do is to forgive me, just like I forgive her when she insults and interrupts me in front of people (i.e. she has called me a "[bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse]" in front of others in the past,) and as I have been forgiving her for a year old cold behavior.

Also, I'm not perfect, I have made mistakes that I admitted to here, but I have been improving and honestly been trying to get better. I read books on marriage, I apologize, I do less of what my wife doesn't like and I see zero improvement in my wife. I feels as if this is all a slow grind into my wife either leaving me, or her breaking everything in the house and making a fool of me in front of others, and I have to stand around and take it for the sake of peace.

I need advice and prayers.

Much thanks

 

[EarthboundNess]

It sounds like the pressures of keeping you happy has beaten any passion she has out of her. It's going to take a long time to fix. A 50% change in your attitude for four months isn't going to cut it. It's only technically better than nothing but really it's nothing. It's not even most of your effort and it's barely 1/3 of the year. Not much.

But if you tell her to initiate something and give her a deadline to do it isn't that you initiating it? Then you scold her for not doing it isn't that treating her like a child for not meeting your needs? Where is the attempt on your part to meet her needs? I don't think I'd deal well with my wife telling me I have a week to initiate sex or physical closeness because she wants me to. I don't think it's a surprise your wife didn't take it well either.

In the stories you shared I really see where your wife is coming from. I can see why she doesn't feel respected and feels like you treat her like a child. Yelling and anger issues are probably why she doesn't talk to you about it because she doesn't want to deal with you angry over hearing what her problems are. First lesson of marriage. When your wife says nothing is wrong that means everything is wrong she just doesn't want to talk about it. Either she doesn't want to get into it or she is protecting you or she doesn't want to deal with you getting upset over what's wrong. I think she's just deciding to not deal with your reaction to her issues because she knows you won't really try to fix it or you'll get angry at her for it.

The food thing I get why she thinks you treat her like a child. Adults don't give other adults unsolicited commands on what they eat. It's weird. It's controlling. You think she has the starts of an eating disorder because she likes chips and junk food and likes food? I think the real eating disorder is actually with you not her. It's not normal to tell your parents what to eat. It's not normal to get angry that people around you aren't eating the way you eat or the way you want to. Getting angry and starting a fight over her eating fried food at a party at 9 at night? So angry that she disobeyed you that you left a party? That's controlling. It's immature. It's a sign that you have a problem with food. Not her. If you're so strict about how she eats I'm not surprised at all that she gets excited for the food she likes when she sees it. It's a way to buck your control and it's a source of enjoyment for her. She eating what she wants and what she likes isn't her defying you. It's her being an adult and choosing what she wants to eat. You shouldn't be turning how she eats into a way for her to please you or defy you or provoke your anger.

I've worked with people with eating disorders for over a decade. You've got the classic signs of it.

Her indecisive Saturdays? Why is this a battleground? Who cares if all she does is clean the bathroom and vacuum and doesn't know how to spend her day. That's what days off are for. I bet if you ask her part of the reason she's indecisive is because there are things she wants to do but there are things she feels like she has to do to keep you from getting upset at her. You look like you have a lot of expectations and maintain a lot of control. I bet that sets up a great deal of internal conflict for her. Just lay off, let her do her thing.

If she's disappointed in her career why not help her out in trying to get her the job of her dreams? Encourage school. Training. Saying she can't get a job in a supermarket if she wanted to because she's not motivated is pretty demeaning to her. If you have decided she makes more money working for you than if she worked somewhere else then I bet even if she wanted to get another job she feels like she can't.

You say you forgive her for when she does things to you. You obviously haven't. You've brought up a long list of things that you seem to still be upset about and in your talking about how you forgive her you go on to detail things she's done to wrong you. That isn't forgiving her. I bet she knows that. You do your fair share of public disrespecting to her too.

What should you do? More than 50% for 4 months. You've screwed up. You need to do more than read books and apologize especially if your apologies don't mean much. You seem to be preoccupied with your image through your wife in front of others. Let that go. Work, really work, on getting to the problem by fixing the issues you have that are causing the problems. Be less controlling. Treat her like an equal. Not a child or somebody who needs to be bossed around. Support her. Listen to her. Work on your anger.

 

[abacabb3]

I believe there are some really incorrect assumptions (this is the internet after all) but I appreciate your insight.

 

[EarthboundNess]

Just going off what you wrote dude. It's not because it's the internet.

 

[Niffer]

Where's the comfort? The joy? Just being relaxed?

You seem extremely tense, and more than a little controlling.
It really seems like you want to be loved by your wife, but you've created an environment of such complete disappointment in your wife, that no longer has any reason to endear herself to you because no matter what, she's going to found lacking.

I don't think I'd do very well in that sort of relationship either.

~ Niffer

 

[abacabb3]

I am surprised or very humbled by the fact that I made one mistake in a party 7 months ago and I am so looked down upon by other Christians. I sense out and out anger in EarthboundNess' response, so I suggest that I understand and agree with much of what he says but it is hard to communicate fully what's going on over the internet, and then I get a snotty response.

I admit that I had a lot of bad habits thanks to my upbringing in the beginning of our marriage. I say this openly. I have largely grown out of them, I don't tell my wife what to do, but I do get disappointed with stuff, my wife gets enraged at my disappointment and then sometimes (probably half the time) I then get angry and yell back.

Are husbands allowed to get disappointed (not angry) or is that emotionally abusive?

I have to admit, I feel uncomfortable with the fact that if my wife, like anyone else, screws something up that it cannot make me at some level unhappy. Being unhappy with a screw up doesn't mean I hate her. I don't want to live my marriage like that twilight zone episode where that kid would stare at you the wrong way and turn you into a jack in the box if you were ever unhappy with something.

Maybe I'm crazy, which is why I posted this. Maybe I'm the only guy every to do a couple of weird things in the beginning of being married. Maybe I'm the only guy that gets disappointed over stuff. And if that's the case I'm in a lot of trouble and I really need prayers.

Furthermore, when I talk about physical affection, I'm only 10% talking about sex. I'm not some sort of horny toad. I'm talking about being told "I love you," having a hug, etc. So, where I come from, telling my wife that I liked to be hugged is "communication" and her purposely ignoring that is emotionally abusive to me, just like if I don't take advice here to be sure not to tell my wife what to eat and etc. that such would be abusive to her.

Thank you for your responses, I am seriously taking into account the constructive comments that are written.

 

[EarthboundNess]

I am surprised or very humbled by the fact that I made one mistake in a party 7 months ago and I am so looked down upon by other Christians. I sense out and out anger in EarthboundNess' response, so I suggest that I understand and agree with much of what he says but it is hard to communicate fully what's going on over the internet, and then I get a snotty response.

I wasn't angry at all. I haven't been angry about it. I was surprised by your response and thought it was a little rude and confusing and that's what I tried to express. If you disagree that's fine but that doesn't mean there is an issue that is related to internet communication. I wasn't angry at you and I don't know why you thought I would be. I don't look down on you either. Everybody makes mistakes it just sounds like you're still trying to find a way to overcome yours. That's why you wrote for advice. It's not un-Christian to reply back to advice you asked for even if the advice isn't what you wanted.

According to what you say it wasn't one mistake. It's a pattern. The party thing was a mistake 7 months ago. It was a big mistake. It's going to take awhile to get over.

I admit that I had a lot of bad habits thanks to my upbringing in the beginning of our marriage. I say this openly. I have largely grown out of them, I don't tell my wife what to do, but I do get disappointed with stuff, my wife gets enraged at my disappointment and then sometimes (probably half the time) I then get angry and yell back.

Are husbands allowed to get disappointed (not angry) or is that emotionally abusive?

I don't think anybody said you were emotionally abusive. Disappointment isn't emotionally abusive. Some of the things you talked about, the controlling behavior, the strict expectations that she eats what and when you want her to, the admission that you've tried hard 50% of the time for 4 months, that you say you forgive but then hold her accountable for the things you've said you've forgiven her for. That's all rough to deal with in a marriage for her. You've focused on what all she does to disappoint you and no time at all focusing on how all of those things set her up to disappoint you and have trapped her into an unwinable situation with your marriage. We all have things in our upbringing to overcome. It's part of life's struggles.

I have to admit, I feel uncomfortable with the fact that if my wife, like anyone else, screws something up that it cannot make me at some level unhappy. Being unhappy with a screw up doesn't mean I hate her. I don't want to live my marriage like that twilight zone episode where that kid would stare at you the wrong way and turn you into a jack in the box if you were ever unhappy with something.

My wife makes mistakes. I can't remember the last time she made a screwup that made me unhappy with her or the situation. I love and because I love I forgive. We are a unit and any screwup we make is something we overcome not something we get unhappy with each other about. Neither of us are perfect. The number of opportunities you present for your wife to screw up and the unhappiness that you feel just is a lot for her to overcome. Trying to find happiness and letting go of your long list of disappointments in your wife isn't like that boy from the Twilight Zone. If anything it sounds like your wife is the one that is resigned to the fact that if she does anything to you that she'll end up like the jack-in-the-box. It also sounds like for her it's not a matter of if she messes up and you're unhappy and disappointed but when.

Maybe I'm crazy, which is why I posted this. Maybe I'm the only guy every to do a couple of weird things in the beginning of being married. Maybe I'm the only guy that gets disappointed over stuff. And if that's the case I'm in a lot of trouble and I really need prayers.

Weird things are storing your cereal in the fridge or drinking warm soda. I think the general agreement is that the behavior isn't weird it's destructive and it's taking it's toll on your wife. That is probably why she's not feeling that interested in intimacy.

Furthermore, when I talk about physical affection, I'm only 10% talking about sex. I'm not some sort of horny toad. I'm talking about being told "I love you," having a hug, etc. So, where I come from, telling my wife that I liked to be hugged is "communication" and her purposely ignoring that is emotionally abusive to me, just like if I don't take advice here to be sure not to tell my wife what to eat and etc. that such would be abusive to her.

Thank you for your responses, I am seriously taking into account the constructive comments that are written.

Her purposely ignoring it or not doing it even though you want her to isn't emotionally abusive. It's a symptom of a problem. It's not abuse when we want our spouses to do something and they don't. I think the lack of interest in being affectionate all ties back to how she feels about you. She finds it hard to be affectionate when she feels like she's not respected and is treated like a child. The stories you gave to illustrate your point show that she has a right to feel like that. To change the damage it has caused will take more then 50% of your effort for 4 months. You have to earn those things back if you want them. You can tell her to do it as much as you want but if she doesn't feel it she's not going to do it. She's telling you why. The ball is in your court.

 

[abacabb3]

Again, I appreciate your response and it hits the mark much more closely. Yes, the pattern of anger and subtle controlling behavior (when I get disappointed, my wife thinks I am compelling her to do something) is a pattern, and I need to show more faith in my wife. If my wife goes down the wrong path, then, what is the appropriate way to respond? Her way, clamming up and not communicating, I find to be highly impractical as makes me feel worse and doesn't help to fix anything.

you say you forgive but then hold her accountable for the things you've said you've forgiven her for.

This is the assumption you take issue with. I'd wager money I am ten times better forgiving than you, not because you're bad in any way, but as an adult I have never met someone who forgives and forgets as easily as me. Heck, I might lose the bet, but its clearly one of my spiritual strengths in the midst of my weaknesses. I'm not sure where you get the idea from, but I did say in my post that after a year of my wife not forgiving me when I screw up, it is starting to become tough for me.

 

[akmom]

I have to say, after having just read this thread, that I found EarthboundNess's and Niffer's comments to be extremely kind, insightful, and relevant. I truly didn't detect any malice, judgment nor snottiness in them. I was surprised that you sensed anger from them. I mention this to give you perspective. There have definitely been times in my life where I felt a lot of negativity from others. Not just a few people, but everyone. It took me years to realize that it's just me. Sometimes I just go through a period of time where I am either extremely sensitive, or just predisposed to feel slighted, and that's the way I take things. When I realize that, I try to take it with a grain of salt. I think about their words, and try to decide if they are inherently cold, or if I am just interpreting it that way. If you feel this way often, you might want to consider if it's really others being cold/judgmental/angry, or if you are in a vulnerable mood that makes their words feel that way to you.

If it's your mood, you could quite possibly have an inaccurate perception of your wife's attitude toward you as well.

Enjoying food is not wrong. Gluttony is wrong. Having fried food late at night is harmless. Making a habit of it is unhealthy. It sounds like you are having trouble discerning the difference. There are certain things I have "issues" with too, because I grew up seeing them used to excess. It can be hard to accept these things later in life, even when they are not being used to excess. Did you or a family member have a history of binge eating or obesity? I can see how that might prompt you to take issue with unhealthy food.

The party incident is long gone. However, it illustrates a problem you still have. You see your wife's enjoyment of food, and her love and respect for you, as a false dichotomy. She has to choose one or the other. Does that sound like how you feel? It is perfectly normal to enjoy food, spend time finding and preparing recipes, and even indulging in that food (in moderation) when there are no real health benefits. And that is not a reflection at all of how she feels about you.

Are husbands allowed to get disappointed (not angry) or is that emotionally abusive?

Yes, you can be disappointed. But if you are huffing and puffing, shutting doors just a little harder than needed, or wearing an exasperated expression, then you are creating a hostile environment. That is not conducive to affection. Your wife will not be able to get to the point of being affectionate until quite some time after she has achieved a feeling of peace and comfort. So you need to find a way to process your disappointments and become at peace with them... not yelling at your wife about them, not being passive-aggressive about them, but instead changing your own expectations. And yes, that is much harder than the other two options. Perhaps a good start would be figuring out what are reasonable expectations for a spouse?

I'd wager money I am ten times better forgiving than you, not because you're bad in any way, but as an adult I have never met someone who forgives and forgets as easily as me.

Forgiveness is not a contest. To be fair, you only know your own capacity to forgive. You don't know others' capacities, because you cannot feel what is in their hearts. I addressed this statement, because it is almost verbatim what my dad used to say to me, after a burst of anger and violence. I never quite understood what the significance was. Because after a burst of anger and violence, I was no longer interested in his capacity to forgive whatever offense I made that deserved such a reaction. I was resentful of his burst of rage, and often didn't feel I had wronged him in the first place. I truly am not saying this to be critical or discouraging. I just wonder where you are going with this statement. If your wife doesn't feel she did anything wrong (and many on this board seem to be of that sentiment, based on what you've divulged about her), then your forgiveness isn't the key. If there was no real wrong, then it is not about forgiving a wrong, but about accepting what occurred.

 

[ProudMomxmany]

Yes, you can be disappointed. But if you are huffing and puffing, shutting doors just a little harder than needed, or wearing an exasperated expression, then you are creating a hostile environment. That is not conducive to affection. Your wife will not be able to get to the point of being affectionate until quite some time after she has achieved a feeling of peace and comfort. So you need to find a way to process your disappointments and become at peace with them... not yelling at your wife about them, not being passive-aggressive about them, but instead changing your own expectations. And yes, that is much harder than the other two options. Perhaps a good start would be figuring out what are reasonable expectations for a spouse?

My husband and I had much the same issues when we first married. We were VERY young and VERY immature. However, our next-door neighbors were Christians and sort of took it upon themselves to mentor us. We had the opportunity to attend some wonderful seminars that totally changed us, our lives and our marriage.

My husband had a temper, a brutal temper. He had been physically abused as a child and the only way he knew to deal with anything was to lash out in anger. Back then I was the type to withdraw and try to appease (as from my own family of origin). The seminars we attended changed ALL that. I'd have to say that in the last oh...28 years we've not had a fight. Discussions, yes. Disagreements, yes. Fights? Nope.

If half of what you're saying is true, then honestly, I don't blame your wife. I mean, really...you're at a party and she wanted to eat something "fried" at 9pm? So? What's it to you?

You say she has an engineering degree, graduated with a 3.2 GPA...oh yeah she can get a job in engineering...there's a shortage of engineers. The pay is incredible these days. But, I'm sure you've beat her down enough to believe that a 3.2GPA isn't good enough to get a job in her field. Heck, you said she couldn't even get a job in a supermarket. That is SO disrespectful to her. You essentially just called her stupid. Unbelievable. I most defintely would not be feeling warm and fuzzy to my beloved if he said that about me...

You've done a lot of harm. It's going to take a long time to undo it...if at all. You're fussing she won't forgive you..but have you REALLY changed?

 

[EarthboundNess]

Again, I appreciate your response and it hits the mark much more closely. Yes, the pattern of anger and subtle controlling behavior (when I get disappointed, my wife thinks I am compelling her to do something) is a pattern, and I need to show more faith in my wife. If my wife goes down the wrong path, then, what is the appropriate way to respond? Her way, clamming up and not communicating, I find to be highly impractical as makes me feel worse and doesn't help to fix anything.

Ask yourself is she doing the wrong thing or going down the wrong path or is it simply that you have a different vision for how things should be done and she's not doing it the way you think she should be? Part of being in a marriage is stepping back and letting your partner handle a situation and then being there to help them as a team if they fail. If she feels like you treat her like a child then allowing her to do what she wants to do in a situation knowing that if she fails you'll support her will be a great exercise for you to let go of control, her to feel like she has some control, and you learning humility and having faith in your wife in seeing that how she does things may work just as well as the way you think they should be done. It will be great as well if she fails because she will see that you can support her in her failures and not judge her.

If she clams up and won't talk about it then she doesn't want to fight. Don't put her in a position where she has to clam up or defend against a fight. Do as a husband and let her do what she wants and support her in the good and bad.

This is the assumption you take issue with. I'd wager money I am ten times better forgiving than you, not because you're bad in any way, but as an adult I have never met someone who forgives and forgets as easily as me. Heck, I might lose the bet, but its clearly one of my spiritual strengths in the midst of my weaknesses. I'm not sure where you get the idea from, but I did say in my post that after a year of my wife not forgiving me when I screw up, it is starting to become tough for me.

This is not a contest, brother. I'm not comparing myself to you. I'm comparing yourself to you. Forgiveness is a very fluid thing and to measure how good you at it depends not only on the act itself but the act that caused it. Comparing it to anything beyond your own self or expectations for yourself is impossible. The measurement of a feeling is at it's core immeasurable. Who's to say that forgiving 100 little things means that person has more forgiveness than the person who forgave 1 very big thing?

Think of this, if I had taken your statement that you loved your wife and replied that I know I love my wife 10 times more then yours because my capacity for love is higher than yours would you find the claim to be not one that speaks to my capacity to love but a declaration of my boastful pride and statement of my high self-worth? It is not an accurate statement and therefore it's not a constructive statement. If it's not a constructive statement then it's not a constructive expression or feeling. It's root isn't your strength in forgiveness. It's root is your sin of pride.

I will tell you where I get this idea from. Forgiveness means you're no longer holding against somebody something that you have forgiven them for. The issue is dead and the transgression gone. It's not brought up again. When my wife does something she feels like she needs to be forgiven for once I forgive her the matter is over. I don't bring it up again in arguments or disagreements. Even if I want to I cannot. I have forgiven her and the matter is closed. You have brought up things that you say you have forgiven her for. By sharing them you show that you have not forgiven. Maybe with words but not with spirit. Forgiveness is more than words. It is actions and belief and love. It is not bringing up the incident again. You can't. It is forgiven. It is closed.

You are not doing that here.

 

[abacabb3]

Thanks again for responses, and if any, prayers. As an update I asked a series of questions from a Christian book and we tried to get to the bottom of what she would like me to do to be more Christ-like (she said to 1. not be angry, 2. trust in God's provision more, 3. understand that I am different in work than out of work and 4. have more faith in her to make good decisions.)

It's a good list that lets me know my weak points and where to improve.

 

[akmom]

I think it is a great list, and it's wonderful that she is communicating this to you. It sounds like she also has a desire to restore the affection in your marriage.

 

[SharonL]

Having been raised with constant criticism I know the feelings of becoming a robot. Nothing I ever did pleased my mother - A person has to feel appreciated.

Once you get these robot feelings, you kinda build a fence around your heart and don't allow much to bother you.

There is nothing you can do short term to correct it. But long term, ask her opinions on things, if she wants to eat junk - don't tell her no - she is an adult and needs to make up her own mind.

Just realize that you both have your wishes and because they differ does not make them wrong. Let her be herself. She does not like being told what to do - it may go back to her upbringing. I know from my experience you talk to me in a certain way and I will tune you out - it is all in the past, but it never leaves you.

I've been married 54 years and I have times where I will think back on a certain way I was treated and anger builds - you forgive - but you never forget. That does not make for a romantic feeling when all these feelings come up. The only way you can overcome it is just work on it day by day and remember she does not need to be told what to do and how to do it. Let her be herself. She has buried herself in trying to become what you want - you will reap many rewards by taking off the attitude of knowing what is best.

 

[SAT]

I really hate writing about this here, but I really need the advice and prayers of others. I'll try to be unbiased in writing this, but again, you're earing only my side of the story.

My wife and I were very passionate up until a month after we were married. We never had premarital sex or anything like that, but we very warm with each other (hugging and the sort) before we were married.

I am very much in love with my wife, but I observe that all the tell tale signs that my wife simply doesn't feel the same. She never wants to not only have any sort of relations with me, she never wants to hug me when I walk through the door at work, wake up in the morning etcetera. My wife will do anything she is asked begrudgingly, but never initiates anything physical. Words like "never" are not exaggerations and it is becoming very difficult for me to feel the same way that I do approaching my wife with any sort of affection because it is never reciprocated.

I asked my wife about it for almost a year and I, not her, reached out to our pastor and an older couple at church. In response to advice I try hard to be spontaneous, tell her I love her, and most importantly forgive. I try asking my wife what's wrong and she says nothing or "I have to think about it."

Finally, things came at a head after I took her out for the evening after working all day and after asking her wall week calmly to initiate any sort of physical affection towards me, she did not. I calmly asked her for about ten minutes and she would not take me serious and laugh at me. So, though it is very difficult for me due to my own weaknesses, I didn't yell or anything but pretty much withdrawn from her because it just bothered me too much.

It got teased out of my wife that she does indeed resent me for treating her like "a s*it." She said I didn't respect her at all and that I treat her as a child and don't let her make decisions. She was not willing to forgive me because I simply repeat my same mistakes.

Respect. My wife is right and wrong about this. I have an issue with anger and even though I am never physical, it is very obvious when I am dissatisfied and I get very stressed out. Particularly early in our marriage, I was not sensitive in the way in which I showed it, as I grew up with my father and my brother and the way men settle anger when they talk about it is not very sensitive.

After four months so I got about 50% better, which isn't great, but it is better than nothing.

About being a child. Also, early in our marriage, I was overbearing with my wife, particularly about food. For the amount of time that I work, I eat pretty healthy and maintain a stable weight by eating fixed portions. For years, before being married, I would even tell my parents what they should and should not eat.

So, like a child, my wife would always want to buy junk food like chips when food shopping, and in my old habits I would say "no, it's not good for you." To this day, her eyes light up whenever there is something tasty on TV or in front of her somewhere and she gets all giddy and shakes her fists. It is highly annoying to me that she is never happy to see me, the sight of food makes her eyes light up these days, not me. She posts pictures of food on facebook. My wife isn't overweight, but I honestly see the beginnings of an eating disorder.

Nonetheless, I was in the wrong most when at a party, when it was 9 o'clock at night she wanted to eat fried food. For whatever psychological reasons aside from health reasons, I told her that she shouldn't eat it and she did anyway. Without making a scene, we left the party because quite frankly I was livid over being defied. I'm not sure if it makes sense to anyone here, but what bothered me was not the calories, but it was that it was more important to my wife to stuff her face and make a fight rather than not doing so and correctly me later when we were not in a public place. So, in effect, she chose fried food and pleasing herself over pleasing me and averting anger.

I say this not to justify myself, but rather I was clearly in the wrong. So, after that day, I stopped forbidding her anything of that sort and will only give an opinion when asked.

Otherwise, my wife doesn't really care about anything else, so I am honestly not guilty of controlling her in any other way. I always ask her what she wants to do, she makes me decide, she doesn't want to get a different job (she works for me), she's just incredibly indecisive. When she gets a day "off" (every saturday,) she spends half the day trying to figure out whether or not she should do aerobics or clean the house first. She has had a pair of pants she has had to return to Kohls for more than a year, simply because she can never get everything she needs done without guidance. This Saturday, all she did was vacuum the house and clean the bathroom. She didn't accomplish one other thing, not really that it bothers me, but it is because she is so indecisive she will spend all day thinking about what she ought to do and then the day ends. It's just a problem that she has.

My presumptions. I can't hold my wife accountable to any presumptions, so I only say these in passing. I believe my wife is profoundly disappointed that she works for me. My wife was one of the top scholars in her whole country (no exaggeration) and she went to an engineering college totally for free due to her academics before college. Her college academics were decent, she had a 3.2 GPA, but her work and performance never stood out enough to get any sort of job in engineering. I believe she is profoundly disappointed about this, and she has since not been able to even get a job in a supermarket. To be honest, she doesn't try very hard and we as a couple make more money if she works for my business. However, her dreams in engineering are simply unattainable to her, and I believe she is mad at me because if she wasn't married to be, she would have more geographic mobility to pursue this dream, even if nothing came of it.

In summary. So, now I wonder what to do. I have been trying so hard to improve for months, but my wife never reciprocates. My wife tells me she is happy when I am away on business trips, because she is happy that I am not around. All I want her to do is to forgive me, just like I forgive her when she insults and interrupts me in front of people (i.e. she has called me a "[bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse]" in front of others in the past,) and as I have been forgiving her for a year old cold behavior.

Also, I'm not perfect, I have made mistakes that I admitted to here, but I have been improving and honestly been trying to get better. I read books on marriage, I apologize, I do less of what my wife doesn't like and I see zero improvement in my wife. I feels as if this is all a slow grind into my wife either leaving me, or her breaking everything in the house and making a fool of me in front of others, and I have to stand around and take it for the sake of peace.

I need advice and prayers.

Much thanks

Oh dear you do sound so down, the worst insult you can bestow on a man is not to show him respect! Men crave respect, women crave love, take my word for it.

Your wife feels trapped for some reason, all the indicators are there, so you need to free her, but you need to know from what, it isn’t necessarily marriage either! I would start by not working together, as you are instructing her day and night, and it sounds as though she resents it! Could be she just hates the job she does but can’t leave as the boss is her husband! As regards the lack of bedroom fun that could be she just sees it as an extension of work time the boss is making demands like he does in work time. So sack her, I think you call it letting someone go, that sounds about right to me, I think men are not good at spotting unhappiness in their wives, but are quick to spot when the sex stops.
A lot of your problems started before marriage, you just didn’t know each other until you married, if you don’t mind me saying this seems common in your country for some reason.

I would recommend praying together, hopefully you are both Christians, and get that wedding album out to sit her down and point to a picture of you both on your wedding day, ask her where this girl has gone, tell her that man standing at her side in that photo is the same man who is standing at her side now, but he is lost and needs help to find his way back to his bride and can she help please.

 

[dj1skywalker]

When I lost interest in my husband, he used the Love Dare on me. IT WORKED!!! Patience, calmness and holding the tongue was the answer.

 

[abacabb3]

I'd like to give thanks to people here and also praise God. Things have certainly began taking a turn for the better. My wife and I have begun communicating better and if it means anything, my wife really responded to weeks of me drastically changing my behavior and then afterward, me asking her to reciprocate emotionally. I feel there is a need for both parties to reciprocate towards one another in a positive way, and this mutual action has been a great help.

 

[Brianlear]

Awesome job keep it up man Remember to seek God first. There is nothing that brings my wife around faster than me praying, reading my bible, and doing things totally on my own in order to get closer to our God--hobbies, music, pets, friendships, etc. It's because she wants to do those things with me. We are saved! Remember that. It's the reason we pair up in the first place, to celebrate our freedom.