My Mother Speaks Badly About My Husband

[tootallsheart73]

I am in constant turmoil about my husband and mother's relationship, or lack there-of.

Although my mother is a Christian, she does still talk about people constantly. I have been talking to her about her habit of gossiping for years and it just does not sink in with her.

This gossiping has now become a problem directly for me and my family. My mother, for about a year now, has been talking badly about my husband to other people. These people include our children (who are 8 and 14), my brother and sister-in-law and their children (who are 10 and 12), other family members and our pastor. I have tried many times over the past year to talk to her about what she is doing, but she just denies it until she is called out on it by other people.

I am so frustrated and torn. I have been praying for God to intervene, and I know that he will. I am just having a very hard time with it right now. I feel torn between being a good wife, good mother, and good daughter.

First, I will tackle the good wife part of being torn. I try to talk to my mother about what she says about my husband and tell her that it is wrong. Not only is she talking about him, but she is telling lies to be able to have something to talk about. I feel that, as my husband's wife, it is my duty to straighten this out with my mother. If not, then I do not feel that I am being a good wife. I do not like lies being told about my husband to other people. I love my husband and it hurts me that my mother does this.

Second, is the good mother part of being torn. Without a shadow of a doubt, I know that it is my responsibility as a parent to protect my children from known harm that may be done to them. My mother has recently started being very mean verbally to my kids. I told her that, unless I was present, my kids would no longer be coming to her house because I am not going to have them treated like she has been treating them. Not only that, I am extremely tired of the kids coming home upset because of their Grammie talking bad about their Daddy.

Last, there is the good daughter part. Even though I trying to do right by my husband and children with regards to how my mother is acting, I am beginning to feel guilty for not seeing my mother more. I am also feeling that I am being disrepectful to her. Over the past year, I have talked to her countless times about her complete disregard for my husband. She continues to ignore me. I really do not want to be around her anymore because it hurts me to hear her talk about my husband so badly. Not only that, she also tries to play the victim by saying to me and everyone else that she does not know why my husband doesn't like her. I tell her that the only problem that he has with her is that she continues to talk about and lie about him to people. She, of course, denies it and says she has done nothing wrong. I know that she really needs me right now because my step-father has Alzheimer's and she could really use a break to go buy groceries, get a haircut, or even get a good long bath. The problem is, I really do not have the desire to do anything for her because of all the hurt that she continues to put my family through.

I know that, one day, I am going to look back on all of these days that I have missed with my mother and wish I had them back. I truly dread the day that I lose her because I so much want her to be a part of mine and my family's lives.

 

[joey_downunder]

You're in a hard position there. Remember when you married your husband you became one with him - your top priority is him and your children. Too bad whether your mother approves of that or not.
Sometimes you have to choose to distance yourself from difficult people, sometimes permanently. You can forgive people without tolerating any further abuse.

I have a couple of links for you to consider. Characteristics of Narcissistic Mothers

This whole website is a great one for daughters. Is God Really Telling Us To Honor Abusive Parents ?

 

[tturt]

For some reason, she is hurt; therefore, she is hurting others. So we need to ask Yahweh to heal her. Imo, you have more responsibility to your children and husband than to your mother. The regret that will come can not overshadow the pain that she is causing you and your family. Distancing the children from her isn't going to shut her up but will protect them from her direct vile. Please bear that in mind when you are measuring out the regret. Plus I would tell her in so many words - Mom we - all of us - really want you in our lives but because of this you are causing ...

Has she always been jealous of you? Does she have a mental illness herself? (you don't have to answer these questions to me - it just seems like she's very jealous of you and might have some mental issues herself).

So much gossip in the church but don't hear too many sermons about it. Yes, you know, you've got to forgive her. I really know how difficult it can be to do that.

You and your family are in my prayers, too.

 

[Quasicentennial]

Like witchcraft, vicious gossip words can create destruction and we see it in action daily on the TV News. It is the complete opposite of 'construction' where we create, share and enjoy each other's new refreshing ideas/ positive actions such as restaurant or funpark visits. We Christians patiently wait for Christ's second coming, and when that happens .:
butexpect none of the negativity that Satan wants and unfortunately he will get his taste of his own medicine that will deny him a gold medal for failing his future battle against Jesus. Our exciting positive future with Jesus as we socialize inside his city of free accommodation and free healthy meals: the kingdom of God on a new disaster-free Earth, will keep us so positive that all our painful memories of the past will most probably feel like a tiny pin-prick .;'*';.

 

[seeingeyes]

You've gotta put your foot down. Don't just stop spending time with her, but tell her flat out "If you do x, I will not be coming over", or "If you say anything against my husband, I will hang up the phone". And then stick to it.

Establish the cause and effect for your mother, otherwise it will appear to her that 'that man' is driving you away from her, throwing more fuel onto the fire.

God bless you and keep you, sister.

 

[Inkachu]

I agree with Seeing's post. Your mother needs to see that her actions will cause things to happen, things she won't like (like not seeing her daughter and grandchildren). And you need to start acting, not just talking. Talking obviously hasn't done a thing to get through to her. It's time to stop calling, stop taking her calls, and stop visiting with her. I know you're torn between being a good wife, mother, and daughter, but let me tell you, that's a FEMALE dilemma. You don't see men fretting about this stuff until they're ready for the paddy wagon, WE women do it to ourselves. We're convinced we have to be everything to everyone or we're just plain bad people, and it's NOT TRUE. Your primary duty is to your husband and children. Your mother is a big girl and needs to deal with the consequences of her actions. That doesn't mean you don't love her, it simply means you have to pick YOUR battles so you don't go completely insane with all of this "trying to be good in every role" stuff. Mom knows you don't like what she's doing, you've talked to her about it many times. She's chosen to brush you off and ignore your wishes. How does that reflect on her respect for you as her daughter?? Not very well! You've said "Mom, this hurts me" and her response is basically "I don't care if I'm hurting you".

For the sake of your family, you need to put distance between yourselves and her. Still love her, still care about her, still pray for her. But give her some time without you and your family around, so she can (hopefully) consider what her actions have done. Pray about it together as a family, and never, ever give up on your mom. Maybe contact her after some time has passed and try to revisit the conversation kindly and gently, and see if she's become receptive. Just keep trying, that's the best you can do.

 

[TheyCallMeDave]

I am in constant turmoil about my husband and mother's relationship, or lack there-of.

Although my mother is a Christian, she does still talk about people constantly. I have been talking to her about her habit of gossiping for years and it just does not sink in with her.

This gossiping has now become a problem directly for me and my family. My mother, for about a year now, has been talking badly about my husband to other people. These people include our children (who are 8 and 14), my brother and sister-in-law and their children (who are 10 and 12), other family members and our pastor. I have tried many times over the past year to talk to her about what she is doing, but she just denies it until she is called out on it by other people.

I am so frustrated and torn. I have been praying for God to intervene, and I know that he will. I am just having a very hard time with it right now. I feel torn between being a good wife, good mother, and good daughter.

First, I will tackle the good wife part of being torn. I try to talk to my mother about what she says about my husband and tell her that it is wrong. Not only is she talking about him, but she is telling lies to be able to have something to talk about. I feel that, as my husband's wife, it is my duty to straighten this out with my mother. If not, then I do not feel that I am being a good wife. I do not like lies being told about my husband to other people. I love my husband and it hurts me that my mother does this.

Second, is the good mother part of being torn. Without a shadow of a doubt, I know that it is my responsibility as a parent to protect my children from known harm that may be done to them. My mother has recently started being very mean verbally to my kids. I told her that, unless I was present, my kids would no longer be coming to her house because I am not going to have them treated like she has been treating them. Not only that, I am extremely tired of the kids coming home upset because of their Grammie talking bad about their Daddy.

Last, there is the good daughter part. Even though I trying to do right by my husband and children with regards to how my mother is acting, I am beginning to feel guilty for not seeing my mother more. I am also feeling that I am being disrepectful to her. Over the past year, I have talked to her countless times about her complete disregard for my husband. She continues to ignore me. I really do not want to be around her anymore because it hurts me to hear her talk about my husband so badly. Not only that, she also tries to play the victim by saying to me and everyone else that she does not know why my husband doesn't like her. I tell her that the only problem that he has with her is that she continues to talk about and lie about him to people. She, of course, denies it and says she has done nothing wrong. I know that she really needs me right now because my step-father has Alzheimer's and she could really use a break to go buy groceries, get a haircut, or even get a good long bath. The problem is, I really do not have the desire to do anything for her because of all the hurt that she continues to put my family through.

I know that, one day, I am going to look back on all of these days that I have missed with my mother and wish I had them back. I truly dread the day that I lose her because I so much want her to be a part of mine and my family's lives.

Your post is timely, cause, im going thru and ordeal with my elderly mom regarding her bitterness to a good mutual friend of the family . My mom is required to forgive this Friend for something the Friend did in a spirit of love, but which backfired (without getting too much into it) .

What i think you need to do regarding your mom is this , essentially :

1. Take what she is saying and as unbiasely as you can, see if there is any semblence of truth on what she is reporting about your husband ; if so, then store that info away for future consideration. If not, then dont allow that information to fester in your Mind as much as it depends on you.

2. Sit down with your Mom for a VERY heart to heart talk where you express to her, your love/commitment/and protection toward your husband
and that her bitterness toward your husband is a ploy of Satans to create dissension between you and your Mom as well as hopeful dissension between you and your husband/family . Ask her to step back and analyze it from THIS perspective , and tell her that she can take a stand against Satans attacks by refraining from putting down your husband.

2.a. Tell your mom, lovingly, that if it continues ... that is only going to serve to alienate you and your family from her ... and its vitally important to prevent that from happening.

3. You should not feel guilty about putting some distance between you and your mom at this point, for, it will cause her to step back and see whats occuring when bitterness is spread to people who love her. During this time, pray that God will convict her to the point of sorrow.

4. Do what is necessary to protect your c hildren from insults directed toward their Dad from your Mom. Some tough love action may be in order, at least temporarily.

5. Get together with your support group of ladies to be prayed over.

 

[turkle]

You have received very sound advice here.

My concern is your own people-pleasing behavior. Of particular concern is that although your mother continues to completely disrespect you and your husband and ignore your pleas to stop, your concern is that you are a bad daughter, and disrespectful to her. There is a lack of boundaries that will ensure that you will be miserable because you can't please everybody.

I agree with other posters that you need to lay down the law. You will not tolerate her gossip about your husband. Your children will not receive her poison tongue about their father, and therefore will not see her without you. And you will walk out the moment she utters a single passive-agressive comment.

My own mother was a narcissist. I did not understand that I had to set strong boundaries until I was well into my 40s. However, when I did, our relationship changed. She had to respect me. I told her that I would hang up the phone when she harassed me, and I did. When she realized that her manipulations were not getting her what she wanted, her behavior improved a bit. But most importantly, I was finally at peace. I no longer allowed her to manipulate me nor emotionally blackmail me. I was finally free.

I hope that you will recognize that you need to take control of the situation and defend your husband. Don't look for your mother's approval; you will never get it. The best thing you can do is refuse to allow her nasty behavior to steal the peace in your family.

 

[TheyCallMeDave]

You have received very sound advice here.

My concern is your own people-pleasing behavior. Of particular concern is that although your mother continues to completely disrespect you and your husband and ignore your pleas to stop, your concern is that you are a bad daughter, and disrespectful to her. There is a lack of boundaries that will ensure that you will be miserable because you can't please everybody.

I agree with other posters that you need to lay down the law. You will not tolerate her gossip about your husband. Your children will not receive her poison tongue about their father, and therefore will not see her without you. And you will walk out the moment she utters a single passive-agressive comment.

My own mother was a narcissist. I did not understand that I had to set strong boundaries until I was well into my 40s. However, when I did, our relationship changed. She had to respect me. I told her that I would hang up the phone when she harassed me, and I did. When she realized that her manipulations were not getting her what she wanted, her behavior improved a bit. But most importantly, I was finally at peace. I no longer allowed her to manipulate me nor emotionally blackmail me. I was finally free.


THIS !

 

[seeingeyes]

About 'being a bad daughter'...wouldn't you want a fearless, trustworthy daughter who backs up her words with appropriate actions?

Go be that girl.

 

[tootallsheart73]

Thank you so very much for these links. I read the one on narcissistic mothers as soon as you sent it. To be honest, when I first saw the name of it, I thought "What in the world was this sent for?". Then, as I began to read, I realized that information is exactly what I needed. The more I read, the more I saw my mother. It was very unsettling to me that almost everything applies to her personality.

Even more disturbing to me is the fact that I have been allowing this to happen for all of these years. Thank you so much.

 

[tootallsheart73]

For some reason, she is hurt; therefore, she is hurting others. So we need to ask Yahweh to heal her. Imo, you have more responsibility to your children and husband than to your mother. The regret that will come can not overshadow the pain that she is causing you and your family. Distancing the children from her isn't going to shut her up but will protect them from her direct vile. Please bear that in mind when you are measuring out the regret. Plus I would tell her in so many words - Mom we - all of us - really want you in our lives but because of this you are causing ...

Has she always been jealous of you? Does she have a mental illness herself? (you don't have to answer these questions to me - it just seems like she's very jealous of you and might have some mental issues herself).

So much gossip in the church but don't hear too many sermons about it. Yes, you know, you've got to forgive her. I really know how difficult it can be to do that.

You and your family are in my prayers, too.

I really appreciate your prayers and concern.

I have never really thought that my mother may have jealousy toward me. I can see that may be an issue.

And you are absolutely right. My husband and children only come after God. I know that God gave me my husband and children, and I thank Him for them each day.

Thank you.

 

[tootallsheart73]

You've gotta put your foot down. Don't just stop spending time with her, but tell her flat out "If you do x, I will not be coming over", or "If you say anything against my husband, I will hang up the phone". And then stick to it.

Establish the cause and effect for your mother, otherwise it will appear to her that 'that man' is driving you away from her, throwing more fuel onto the fire.

God bless you and keep you, sister.

I can not tell you how many times I have heard that "that man" is keeping me away. I have, so many times, not stuck with what I had said I was going to do in regards to my mother's actions.

Thank you.

 

[tootallsheart73]

You have received very sound advice here.

My concern is your own people-pleasing behavior. Of particular concern is that although your mother continues to completely disrespect you and your husband and ignore your pleas to stop, your concern is that you are a bad daughter, and disrespectful to her. There is a lack of boundaries that will ensure that you will be miserable because you can't please everybody.

I agree with other posters that you need to lay down the law. You will not tolerate her gossip about your husband. Your children will not receive her poison tongue about their father, and therefore will not see her without you. And you will walk out the moment she utters a single passive-agressive comment.

My own mother was a narcissist. I did not understand that I had to set strong boundaries until I was well into my 40s. However, when I did, our relationship changed. She had to respect me. I told her that I would hang up the phone when she harassed me, and I did. When she realized that her manipulations were not getting her what she wanted, her behavior improved a bit. But most importantly, I was finally at peace. I no longer allowed her to manipulate me nor emotionally blackmail me. I was finally free.

I hope that you will recognize that you need to take control of the situation and defend your husband. Don't look for your mother's approval; you will never get it. The best thing you can do is refuse to allow her nasty behavior to steal the peace in your family.

Although I have been defending my husband, I have not "had a backbone" in standing up to my mother in the past. I am determined that this is going to change.

I have done a LOT of reading over the past day and a half, and have seen that I, by not being firm and standing my ground, have fueled the fire with my mother.

Thank you.

 

[tootallsheart73]

Thank all of you so much for all of your insight and advice.

You all have helped me realize that, just because I have to be stern with my mother about the things that she is saying and doing, it does not mean that I am not being a good daughter. I have realized that the "good daughter" lessons I learned while growing up were not taught by someone who had my best interests in mind. Also, the only way my mother is possibly going stop what she is doing is if I give her clear boundaries. Not "I really wish you wouldn't" or "I don't think it's right", but rather "I am not going to tolerate you saying/doing ________________ about/to whomever. If this is how you are going to talk/act, then me and my family will not be around you."

I know that I have a lot to learn and it is going to be an on-going process. But, instead of feeding into the drama, I am taking myself and my family out of it. I now see that, in my mother's mind, my being "respectful" is just a way for her to take advantage of me and get her way. And I have seen that, regardless of if she gets her way or not, she is still going to say and do ugly things to my family and others. So really, regardless of what I do or don't do, she will always demand more.

My plan to stop this very unhealthy cycle started yesterday. Our children are homeschooled, and I work full-time from home and adjust my schedule around the kids' schooling. Since my mother and step-dad's new house was just finished being built and they were able to start moving in this past weekend, she has been wanting my daughter to come "help hang pictures and put away clothes" all week. Even though I just told her the previous Wednesday that the kids would no longer be coming over without me because of how she was treating them, she still kept insisting. Normally, I would finally give in just so she would stop interrupting our day with her calls. Instead of doing that yesterday, I told her no, the kids have school, and they would not be coming over until I could be with them. She got mad and started leaving "You must not love me......", "I don't know why you won't let me see my babies.......", etc. messages and texts. I just deleted the messages on mine and my daughter's phones and turned the phones off until I had a chance to sit down and just delete all of the texts without reading them.

I felt kind of childish doing all of this yesterday with my mother's texts and messages. But you know what, I don't have all of those things in my head to think about today.

Thank you all for your support. It is really nice to just be.........

 

[turkle]

Thank all of you so much for all of your insight and advice.

You all have helped me realize that, just because I have to be stern with my mother about the things that she is saying and doing, it does not mean that I am not being a good daughter. I have realized that the "good daughter" lessons I learned while growing up were not taught by someone who had my best interests in mind. Also, the only way my mother is possibly going stop what she is doing is if I give her clear boundaries. Not "I really wish you wouldn't" or "I don't think it's right", but rather "I am not going to tolerate you saying/doing ________________ about/to whomever. If this is how you are going to talk/act, then me and my family will not be around you."

I know that I have a lot to learn and it is going to be an on-going process. But, instead of feeding into the drama, I am taking myself and my family out of it. I now see that, in my mother's mind, my being "respectful" is just a way for her to take advantage of me and get her way. And I have seen that, regardless of if she gets her way or not, she is still going to say and do ugly things to my family and others. So really, regardless of what I do or don't do, she will always demand more.

My plan to stop this very unhealthy cycle started yesterday. Our children are homeschooled, and I work full-time from home and adjust my schedule around the kids' schooling. Since my mother and step-dad's new house was just finished being built and they were able to start moving in this past weekend, she has been wanting my daughter to come "help hang pictures and put away clothes" all week. Even though I just told her the previous Wednesday that the kids would no longer be coming over without me because of how she was treating them, she still kept insisting. Normally, I would finally give in just so she would stop interrupting our day with her calls. Instead of doing that yesterday, I told her no, the kids have school, and they would not be coming over until I could be with them. She got mad and started leaving "You must not love me......", "I don't know why you won't let me see my babies.......", etc. messages and texts. I just deleted the messages on mine and my daughter's phones and turned the phones off until I had a chance to sit down and just delete all of the texts without reading them.

I felt kind of childish doing all of this yesterday with my mother's texts and messages. But you know what, I don't have all of those things in my head to think about today.

Thank you all for your support. It is really nice to just be.........

WOW, I am so impressed that you not only took the bull by the horns, but also wrestled it to the ground. Good job

Your mother will continue to try to make you miserable for a while until she finally gets that you mean business. Don't let her guilt trips affect you. Remember that she is trying to manipulate you, and you are the reasonable one. When she says those awful things, just say to yourself "there she goes again. I won't be coerced.". Hopefully, eventually she will humble herself and deal with you on your terms.

Narcissistic mothers tend to raise codependent children. I encourage you to read the book "Codependent No More". I think that you will recognize yourself within the pages. It outlines coping mechanisms that you can put in place not only with your mother, but with other people.

I am sure that your husband will appreciate that you no longer put your mother's desire to manipulate over his reputation. Well done!

 

[tootallsheart73]

WOW, I am so impressed that you not only took the bull by the horns, but also wrestled it to the ground. Good job

Your mother will continue to try to make you miserable for a while until she finally gets that you mean business. Don't let her guilt trips affect you. Remember that she is trying to manipulate you, and you are the reasonable one. When she says those awful things, just say to yourself "there she goes again. I won't be coerced.". Hopefully, eventually she will humble herself and deal with you on your terms.

Narcissistic mothers tend to raise codependent children. I encourage you to read the book "Codependent No More". I think that you will recognize yourself within the pages. It outlines coping mechanisms that you can put in place not only with your mother, but with other people.

I am sure that your husband will appreciate that you no longer put your mother's desire to manipulate over his reputation. Well done!

So far, I still have not heard from her since yesterday morning. Since didn't answer her calls or respond to her texts, she hasn't even tried to contact us.

I must admit, I am so thankful that you all helped me find my backbone.

 

[seeingeyes]

Thank all of you so much for all of your insight and advice.

You all have helped me realize that, just because I have to be stern with my mother about the things that she is saying and doing, it does not mean that I am not being a good daughter. I have realized that the "good daughter" lessons I learned while growing up were not taught by someone who had my best interests in mind. Also, the only way my mother is possibly going stop what she is doing is if I give her clear boundaries. Not "I really wish you wouldn't" or "I don't think it's right", but rather "I am not going to tolerate you saying/doing ________________ about/to whomever. If this is how you are going to talk/act, then me and my family will not be around you."

I know that I have a lot to learn and it is going to be an on-going process. But, instead of feeding into the drama, I am taking myself and my family out of it. I now see that, in my mother's mind, my being "respectful" is just a way for her to take advantage of me and get her way. And I have seen that, regardless of if she gets her way or not, she is still going to say and do ugly things to my family and others. So really, regardless of what I do or don't do, she will always demand more.

My plan to stop this very unhealthy cycle started yesterday. Our children are homeschooled, and I work full-time from home and adjust my schedule around the kids' schooling. Since my mother and step-dad's new house was just finished being built and they were able to start moving in this past weekend, she has been wanting my daughter to come "help hang pictures and put away clothes" all week. Even though I just told her the previous Wednesday that the kids would no longer be coming over without me because of how she was treating them, she still kept insisting. Normally, I would finally give in just so she would stop interrupting our day with her calls. Instead of doing that yesterday, I told her no, the kids have school, and they would not be coming over until I could be with them. She got mad and started leaving "You must not love me......", "I don't know why you won't let me see my babies.......", etc. messages and texts. I just deleted the messages on mine and my daughter's phones and turned the phones off until I had a chance to sit down and just delete all of the texts without reading them.

I felt kind of childish doing all of this yesterday with my mother's texts and messages. But you know what, I don't have all of those things in my head to think about today.

Thank you all for your support. It is really nice to just be.........

Good work! You were respectful and also respectable. Perfect balance.

It's hard to change a dynamic like this, but only one party has do to the changing, and you are doing well.

I'll be praying for you.

 

[Yoona86]

I am in constant turmoil about my husband and mother's relationship, or lack there-of.

Although my mother is a Christian, she does still talk about people constantly. I have been talking to her about her habit of gossiping for years and it just does not sink in with her.

This gossiping has now become a problem directly for me and my family. My mother, for about a year now, has been talking badly about my husband to other people. These people include our children (who are 8 and 14), my brother and sister-in-law and their children (who are 10 and 12), other family members and our pastor. I have tried many times over the past year to talk to her about what she is doing, but she just denies it until she is called out on it by other people.

I am so frustrated and torn. I have been praying for God to intervene, and I know that he will. I am just having a very hard time with it right now. I feel torn between being a good wife, good mother, and good daughter.

First, I will tackle the good wife part of being torn. I try to talk to my mother about what she says about my husband and tell her that it is wrong. Not only is she talking about him, but she is telling lies to be able to have something to talk about. I feel that, as my husband's wife, it is my duty to straighten this out with my mother. If not, then I do not feel that I am being a good wife. I do not like lies being told about my husband to other people. I love my husband and it hurts me that my mother does this.

Second, is the good mother part of being torn. Without a shadow of a doubt, I know that it is my responsibility as a parent to protect my children from known harm that may be done to them. My mother has recently started being very mean verbally to my kids. I told her that, unless I was present, my kids would no longer be coming to her house because I am not going to have them treated like she has been treating them. Not only that, I am extremely tired of the kids coming home upset because of their Grammie talking bad about their Daddy.

Last, there is the good daughter part. Even though I trying to do right by my husband and children with regards to how my mother is acting, I am beginning to feel guilty for not seeing my mother more. I am also feeling that I am being disrepectful to her. Over the past year, I have talked to her countless times about her complete disregard for my husband. She continues to ignore me. I really do not want to be around her anymore because it hurts me to hear her talk about my husband so badly. Not only that, she also tries to play the victim by saying to me and everyone else that she does not know why my husband doesn't like her. I tell her that the only problem that he has with her is that she continues to talk about and lie about him to people. She, of course, denies it and says she has done nothing wrong. I know that she really needs me right now because my step-father has Alzheimer's and she could really use a break to go buy groceries, get a haircut, or even get a good long bath. The problem is, I really do not have the desire to do anything for her because of all the hurt that she continues to put my family through.

I know that, one day, I am going to look back on all of these days that I have missed with my mother and wish I had them back. I truly dread the day that I lose her because I so much want her to be a part of mine and my family's lives.

Hi

I am sorry to hear you are in such a difficult position right now.

Now, I can understand why you are so torn about this

but do you mind if I just play the devil advocate for a while?

now, you told us what your mother did to upset your husband and your children, and you say your mother is playing the victim by falsely accuse your husband of not liking her, so does that mean this whole thing is one sided? In another word, you husband never did anything wrong by your mother to cause her to feel this way towards him? Or at least retaliate against what he perceived to your mother gossip about him?

by retaliation, I mean the broadest sense, it does not necessarily mean your husband did something to get back at her, it could also mean your husband being curt or even slightly aggressive in the way he talk to her?
Or even subtle things like look of distain towards her?

The reason I say this is because one thing I have learnt in life is that when it comes to dispute between loves ones, fairness and impartiality is essential in resolving things.

This is because it is human nature for us to take sides of those we love the most, and to justify wrong behaviour on their part while magnify the wrong behaviour for the other party.

By doing this a person is sending out the message to one side that it is ok for them to behave wrongly, letting their loved ones knows that " I will be always be on your side regardless what you have done", and this basically encourage their loved to continue misbehave without desire to repent and stop their harmful behaviours that is negatively affecting the relationship.

While sending the message out to the other party " well, I am going to blame everything on you even though my loved ones should bear part of the responsibilities as well" and make the other party even angrier.

In another word, two wrongs do not make a right. And you will need to be fair and acknowledge and address wrong behaviours on both sides if that is the case.

Lastly, maybe it is culture thing, but when I was growing up, me and my brother were always taught by our parents it is OK to disagree with our grandparents, and it is OK to be assertive and say no. BUT, we still remember to who we are talking to, and if we want to disagree or be assertive, we still need to do so respectfully.

Scripture tells us to honour our Parents, I believe that apply to grandparents as well

Also one need to remember everything we do now, we are setting an example now for our children.

Let put it this way, one day when you become a grandmother, would like your own grandchildren to talk back to you in a disrespectful manner, while your own children is justifying or even encourage your grandchildren to continue do so?

 

[tootallsheart73]

Hi

I am sorry to hear you are in such a difficult position right now.

Now, I can understand why you are so torn about this

but do you mind if I just play the devil advocate for a while?

now, you told us what your mother did to upset your husband and your children, and you say your mother is playing the victim by falsely accuse your husband of not liking her, so does that mean this whole thing is one sided? In another word, you husband never did anything wrong by your mother to cause her to feel this way towards him? Or at least retaliate against what he perceived to your mother gossip about him?

by retaliation, I mean the broadest sense, it does not necessarily mean your husband did something to get back at her, it could also mean your husband being curt or even slightly aggressive in the way he talk to her?
Or even subtle things like look of distain towards her?

The reason I say this is because one thing I have learnt in life is that when it comes to dispute between loves ones, fairness and impartiality is essential in resolving things.

This is because it is human nature for us to take sides of those we love the most, and to justify wrong behaviour on their part while magnify the wrong behaviour for the other party.

By doing this a person is sending out the message to one side that it is ok for them to behave wrongly, letting their loved ones knows that " I will be always be on your side regardless what you have done", and this basically encourage their loved to continue misbehave without desire to repent and stop their harmful behaviours that is negatively affecting the relationship.

While sending the message out to the other party " well, I am going to blame everything on you even though my loved ones should bear part of the responsibilities as well" and make the other party even angrier.

In another word, two wrongs do not make a right. And you will need to be fair and acknowledge and address wrong behaviours on both sides if that is the case.

Lastly, maybe it is culture thing, but when I was growing up, me and my brother were always taught by our parents it is OK to disagree with our grandparents, and it is OK to be assertive and say no. BUT, we still remember to who we are talking to, and if we want to disagree or be assertive, we still need to do so respectfully.

Scripture tells us to honour our Parents, I believe that apply to grandparents as well

Also one need to remember everything we do now, we are setting an example now for our children.

Let put it this way, one day when you become a grandmother, would like your own grandchildren to talk back to you in a disrespectful manner, while your own children is justifying or even encourage your grandchildren to continue do so?

I completely understand where you are coming from on this.

It is a totally different type of situation though. I'm not saying that myself, my husband, or my children are perfect by any means. I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I nor my husband and children are perfect.

The two latest instances are as follows:

My daughter was at my brother and sister-in-law's house out of town. My mother went there to see my daughter and my 2 nephews. The kids were being loud late at night and my mother got on to them. No problem. Kids need to be instructed by adults. My mother was telling me about my daughter saying "yes" to her instead of "yes ma'am" when she asked if she heard her to be quiet. Grammie (my mother) asked her what she said and, once again, my daughter said "yes", not "yes ma'am". I was raised and am raising my children to be respectful by saying "yes/no ma'am/sir". When my mother was telling me about what happened, she went on to say how she got mad and told my daughter that she knew I had not raised her to be disrespectful and she was not going to be talked to like that. Agreed. My daughter should not have talked to her like that. However, my mother went on to tell me that she told my daughter that I had given up everything for her and that it was my daughter's fault that I do not have a career. She also told her many other mean things.........my mother has used this tactic anytime that she gets angry. When my mother told me about what she said to my daughter I did not say anything immediately to her. She was kind of on a rant about her grandchildren in general and even said that another one of my nieces should just kill herself to put her parents out of their misery. The whole conversation with my mother was just blowing me away. I told my mother that night that the things she was saying were terrible and that she should be praying instead of talking.

I picked my daughter up from my brother's house the next day, I talked to her about how she had talked to her Grammie and asked what exactly was said. After explaining to my daughter that my choices between career and family were my choices and I do not regret the fact that I chose family, I called my mother. I explained to Mom that I had talked with my daughter about how, regardless of how angry she is, she is not going to disrespect ANY adult. I went on to tell my mother that I did not appreciate my daughter being told that it was her fault that I didn't have a career. Per usual, my mother said that my daughter was lying and she never said that. I reminded her that my daughter had not told me, that my mother had told me herself. After telling me that I was lying, my mother starting crying, told me that she just wouldn't bother calling me anymore, and hung up.

The second situation that has happened recently is this. Earlier this week, my mother called my daughter and wanted her to come over. Because of the events the previous week with my mother saying those things just to hurt my daughter, she could not go unless I was present. My mother immediately started bad-mouthing my husband to my daughter and hung up on her. After my sister-in-law called me to tell me about my mother calling to "tattle" on me (Mom usually calls my older brother and he gets mad at me because Mom is upset - my brother calls my Dad because he needs to blow off some steam before he tears into me because I have upset Mom - Dad tells my brother to mind his own business because he knows how Mom over-reacts), my daughter told me and my husband that Grammie had also told my brother and sister-in-law that my husband physically hurts us. I, of course, called my sister-in-law to see about this. Not only had Mom told them, but she also told my Dad that. My husband is in no way, shape, form or fashion abusive. This was just a straight lie to try to get the rest of my family mad at my husband.

My mother has, since a few months after my husband and I got married, encouraged me to get a divorce. There is no reason behind it. The only thing I can think of is that, before he and I got married, I was at my mother's beck and call. Since we have gotten married, I have not been as readily available to her.

Just a side note - my parents have been divorced for 20 years. My father does not speak badly of her. He demands that we respect her and does not say bad things about her. Over the years, there have been many times that I have talked to him about different things that have happened, not understanding how my mother could be so uncaring and do such hurtful things to me. I could not understand why I wasn't good enough for her to love. My dad would cry up with me, but he would always just say that "It will get better. You just have to learn to overlook it." FINALLY, at 38 years old, I am finding peace in my life.