My gf wants sex, I want to stay celibate

[Christownsme]

My girlfriend wants to have sex so bad she acts like she'll lay a big guilt trip on me if I don't. She's acting like I'm trying to break up with her by not going there too. All I'm trying to do is have a clean conscience before God. I've told her that. Am I not right for sticking to my belief so strictly even though it hurts our relationship?

 

[The Nihilist]

Break up with her. It will be better for both of you. (mostly her)

 

[tangled]

is she a christian?

 

[Christownsme]

is she a christian?

Yes.

 

[tangled]

how old are you?

 

[iambren]

Poor guy, I feel so sorry for you. Many dudes would love to have that problem.

But seriously: How do you KNOW she's a Christian if she so freely wants to sin sexually. Is she wanting to get pregnant to trap you in marriage? It happens.

You need to sit down for a heart-heart over values, holy living, and where her insistence for sex comes from.

 

[peckaboo]

If you want to stay sexually pure, don't do it. It's as simple as that. Your virginity is yours to give, not hers to demand. She may not realise what she's asking for, but it's like demanding that someone give you a part of their soul. If you're *at all* in two minds about sleeping with someone, don't do it. I don't mean to be melodramatic, but you'll regret it later and then it'll be too late to change it.

Bren is right - you need to figure out what's driving her persistence. And (this is unsolicited advice, I know) don't accept "it's just because I love you so much!" as an answer. Love means respecting the other person's values and putting their desires above your own. Pressuring another person to have sex isn't loving; it's selfish.

 

[The Nihilist]

You need to sit down for a heart-heart over ... where her insistence for sex comes from.

Wait, really? Not that I think he should nail her, but it comes from being a normal person with healthy drives and instincts.

 

[peckaboo]

Wait, really? Not that I think he should nail her, but it comes from being a normal person with healthy drives and instincts.

A normal person has these drives and instincts, and you're right - it is healthy to have them. But it's neither normal nor healthy to try and manipulate other people for your own satisfaction. (Ok, maybe that is fairly normal these days, but it certainly isn't healthy, for either party.)

If the situation was reversed and it was a guy pressuring or emotionally blackmailing ("But if you really loved me, you'd do this for me!" ) his girlfriend to have sex when she'd expressly said she didn't want to, the guy would be viewed as some kind of manipulative perv who doesn't care about her at all, not as a normal guy with a healthy sex drive.

 

[The Nihilist]

If the situation was reversed and it was a guy pressuring or emotionally blackmailing ("But if you really loved me, you'd do this for me!" ) his girlfriend to have sex when she'd expressly said she didn't want to, the guy would be viewed as some kind of manipulative perv who doesn't care about her at all, not as a normal guy with a healthy sex drive.

You might view him that way, but others might not. To me, that would sound more like an inappropriate and unfair expression of frustration than it does a sign that someone is some kind of perverted weirdo.

 

[welshman]

Save her the trouble of laying the guilt trip on you and finish with her. End of discussion as far as I'm concerned.

You could do better...just leave it for the Lord to show you someone who wants to be as true to Him as you.

My girlfriend wants to have sex so bad she acts like she'll lay a big guilt trip on me if I don't. She's acting like I'm trying to break up with her by not going there too. All I'm trying to do is have a clean conscience before God. I've told her that. Am I not right for sticking to my belief so strictly even though it hurts our relationship?

 

[cimbk]

My girlfriend wants to have sex so bad she acts like she'll lay a big guilt trip on me if I don't. She's acting like I'm trying to break up with her by not going there too. All I'm trying to do is have a clean conscience before God. I've told her that. Am I not right for sticking to my belief so strictly even though it hurts our relationship?

WOW! thats a gender reversal!.......how old are you and she, and why not get married and solve the whole issue

 

[peckaboo]

You might view him that way, but others might not. To me, that would sound more like an inappropriate and unfair expression of frustration than it does a sign that someone is some kind of perverted weirdo.

Ah, yeah, you're right. I would agree with you that it's more an issue of being unfair than being a perv; you just were better than me at describing it with the right words, d'oh. Thanks Either way, though, I think it wouldn't be considered normal or healthy. (Sorry OP, I'm not trying to derail your thread with a discussion of semantics..!)

 

[Christownsme]

We're both in our early 40's, and I'm on disability, I'm waiting to pay off my debts which will be 8-9 months.

She is a Christian who has been sexually, physically and emotionally abused by her ex. She is not somebody I would consider leaving. She needs someone to love her. But she needs to know she doesn't need to put out for me to love her, different than her ex's attitude. She's been freed from this but she doesn't see it yet. I was told by my pastor that I need to love her like Christ loved the church. Self sacrificially.

 

[peckaboo]

WOW! thats a gender reversal!.......how old are you and she, and why not get married and solve the whole issue

This is amazing to me - how often someone posts on this forum saying they're having some kind of sexual temptation outside of marriage, and the advice is given to just get married and have all the sex you want. While this is kind of biblical (is it Paul who says something like "if you can't control yourselves it's better to marry than to sin"?), it's not always wise advice. You can't just marry the first person you want to have sex with or who wants to have sex with you.

I think it's kind of a red flag that the girl's totally ignoring his expressed desire to be celibate until marriage. No-one wants to be married to someone who's going to disregard their beliefs all the time, or act selfishly, no matter how great the sex might be.

 

[Christownsme]

This is amazing to me - how often someone posts on this forum saying they're having some kind of sexual temptation outside of marriage, and the advice is given to just get married and have all the sex you want. While this is kind of biblical (is it Paul who says something like "if you can't control yourselves it's better to marry than to sin"?), it's not always wise advice. You can't just marry the first person you want to have sex with or who wants to have sex with you.

I think it's kind of a red flag that the girl's totally ignoring his expressed desire to be celibate until marriage. No-one wants to be married to someone who's going to disregard their beliefs all the time, or act selfishly, no matter how great the sex might be.

She's been hurt, people. She needs and is getting counseling for the abuse she's been put thru.

 

[cimbk]

This is amazing to me - how often someone posts on this forum saying they're having some kind of sexual temptation outside of marriage, and the advice is given to just get married and have all the sex you want. While this is kind of biblical (is it Paul who says something like "if you can't control yourselves it's better to marry than to sin"?), it's not always wise advice. You can't just marry the first person you want to have sex with or who wants to have sex with you.

I think it's kind of a red flag that the girl's totally ignoring his expressed desire to be celibate until marriage. No-one wants to be married to someone who's going to disregard their beliefs all the time, or act selfishly, no matter how great the sex might be.

maybe so! but every man wants a woman who WANTS to make love, if you read his response, he doesn't want to leave her, if this is his only complaint about the girl, she sounds like a keeper....lol.......

I'd get married, and plan a bigger wedding later, Its what we did, and I have to say my wife was the same way (and still is)........And today she is a Godly woman in everyway,

don't shoot the poor girl down, just because she wants him, as if her whole spiritual character is based on her inability to keep her hands off him.........lets face facts the OP has a few of his own struggles he's dealing with, OCD, bipolar, diabetic......these will all be part of the package she's getting

If he's found a Christian woman who will sign up for that, more power to him!

 

[omanid]

She wants to get married.

But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.
1 Cor 7:9

Not saying you should but...

 

[peckaboo]

Sorry, I missed both the OP's signature mentioning the bipolar etc., and the post where he clarified what his GF had been through. I was responding just to what I'd read, which obviously wasn't the whole story - my oversight. Apologies for making assumptions about your GF's character or motives, OP.

 

[The Nihilist]

We're both in our early 40's, and I'm on disability, I'm waiting to pay off my debts which will be 8-9 months.

She is a Christian who has been sexually, physically and emotionally abused by her ex. She is not somebody I would consider leaving. She needs someone to love her. But she needs to know she doesn't need to put out for me to love her, different than her ex's attitude. She's been freed from this but she doesn't see it yet. I was told by my pastor that I need to love her like Christ loved the church. Self sacrificially.

That's a tough situation all around. I don't feel like the stock advice about celibacy or following your heart or whatever is really going to fit. You know your situation better than we possibly can, so do what you think is right. That's really all anyone can do.