married to a backsliding preacher

[TMD1]

I am married to a "minister." I have 3 young children 1-3. I have been married for 4 years. Most of the marriage has been hell. I do not trust my husband as far as I can see him. This man is a pathological liar, drinks, smokes, and has only worked 9 months out of the 4 years we've been married. He stays out late and doesn't come home sometimes. I suspect that he has had an affair but I don't know. He is an angry man and I have to walk on eggshells around him. He cusses as well. I am very unhappy and would have left my marriage in the beginning, but I became pregnant and now I have 3 small children. I am at my wits end and do not know what to do. I question his salvation. He is a "preacher" and Sunday mornings are an act. I made a committment to the Lord concerning my marriage and have stayed this long because of the kids, but how can I continue to live with someone who has no reverence or respect for God. His sins have yet to find him out and his ways have yet to be exposed. I even thought about exposing him. How long must I endure this evil hearted person. Any advice?

 

[Johnnz]

He is not that unusual I'm afraid, the product of poor foundations to his life. You must look long term for you and your children and be very realistic about where he is at. It will take many months of good counselling and healthy Christian teaching, plus a huge effort on his part to persist in changes before he will be sufficiently changed. But most I know like that have gone through long periods of dissolute living and many abandon their faith.

He should not be preaching. He cannot bring life to people when his own life is such a contradiction.

John
NZ

 

[LinkH]

Is he the 'senior pastor' or something along those lines. if you told someone else in charge in the church about his behavior at home, would that effect his opportunities to preach?

Does he have a desire to obey the Lord at all? If you were to tell him what you wrote to us, what would he say? Does he feel any sorrow over his sins?

 

[Catherineanne]

I am married to a "minister." I have 3 young children 1-3. I have been married for 4 years. Most of the marriage has been hell. I do not trust my husband as far as I can see him. This man is a pathological liar, drinks, smokes, and has only worked 9 months out of the 4 years we've been married. He stays out late and doesn't come home sometimes. I suspect that he has had an affair but I don't know. He is an angry man and I have to walk on eggshells around him. He cusses as well. I am very unhappy and would have left my marriage in the beginning, but I became pregnant and now I have 3 small children. I am at my wits end and do not know what to do. I question his salvation. He is a "preacher" and Sunday mornings are an act. I made a committment to the Lord concerning my marriage and have stayed this long because of the kids, but how can I continue to live with someone who has no reverence or respect for God. His sins have yet to find him out and his ways have yet to be exposed. I even thought about exposing him. How long must I endure this evil hearted person. Any advice?

Next time he stays out overnight, get a locksmith round and change the locks. Tell him to get his act together, or else not come back. Give him time to do this, but don't believe it until you can see real evidence of change. This is not any kind of sin; you are protecting yourself and your children.

It isnt always the wife who has to leave.

 

[dayhiker]

My 1st thought is to got to a district denominational leader and have a talk with him about your situation. Or find a counselor in the fellowship of churches and talk with him/her.

I'd say your motive is for your own health you need this person to council you. But I'd also hope they church leaders can figure out a way to help your husband as if he doesn't get help he will also hurt the people coming to the church.

 

[LinkH]

Next time he stays out overnight, get a locksmith round and change the locks. Tell him to get his act together, or else not come back. Give him time to do this, but don't believe it until you can see real evidence of change. This is not any kind of sin; you are protecting yourself and your children.

It isnt always the wife who has to leave.

Don't you think it is a bit unwise to tell someone to do something like this based on one side of the story from a poster you probably don't know on CF?

Many times, I've seen cases where one side of the story is not the whole story on this forum.

It makes more sense for them to go a Christian counselor, which might also be a church leader who can speak into their lives and hold him accountable.

 

[TMD1]

Well this is the whole story and my husband will not go to a Christian counselor. I will have to go alone for my own sanity because he does things and Never apologizes. Stayed out again last night. I'm just numb and one day I'll be free from this person. I don't even pray anymore for my marriage and I'm going through the motions. Anyway, thanks for all your thoughts and advice.

 

[Johnnz]

Seems you will need to make a decision to get on with your life.

John
NZ

 

[LinkH]

Btw, is the drinking heavy, or is do you consider any drinking at all to be sinful.

To all,

I'm just wondering how many people have spouses who smoke, drink alcohol, and sometimes cuss. Should you lock your spouse out of the house for it, or divorce him/her for it?

I'm just a little surprised at what people will recommend with very little detail. I think it's best to get some counsel from someone in real life who has access to more details.

 

[Luther073082]

Next time he stays out overnight, get a locksmith round and change the locks. Tell him to get his act together, or else not come back. Give him time to do this, but don't believe it until you can see real evidence of change. This is not any kind of sin; you are protecting yourself and your children.

It isnt always the wife who has to leave.

I'd be careful with this advise. First because I don't think it's a good idea to suddenly lock your spouse out of the house like that.

But second and more importantly because that is actually illegal in some districts.

The state of Indiana (where I live) has a law against non-support of spouse.

Here is part of Indiana law.

Definitions
Sec. 1. As used in this chapter:
"Dependent" means:
(1) an unemancipated person who is under eighteen (18) years of age; or
(2) a person of any age who has a mental or physical disability.
"Endangered adult" has the meaning set forth in IC 12-10-3-2.
"Support" means food, clothing, shelter, or medical care.
"Tobacco business" means a sole proprietorship, corporation, partnership, or other enterprise in which:
(1) the primary activity is the sale of tobacco, tobacco products, and tobacco accessories; and
(2) the sale of other products is incidental.

Nonsupport of a spouse
Sec. 6. (a) A person who knowingly or intentionally fails to provide support to his spouse, when the spouse needs support, commits nonsupport of a spouse, a Class D felony.
(b) It is a defense that the accused person was unable to provide support.

Class D felony
Sec. 7. (a) A person who commits a Class D felony shall be
imprisoned for a fixed term of between six (6) months and three (3) years, with the advisory sentence being one and one-half (1 1/2) years. In addition, the person may be fined not more than ten thousand dollars ($10,000).

Preventing your spouse from obtaining shelter. . . shelter being the residence that you both occupy could be illegal.

 

[Tropical Wilds]

I'm just wondering how many people have spouses who smoke, drink alcohol, and sometimes cuss. Should you lock your spouse out of the house for it, or divorce him/her for it?

I don't think that's the issue so much as the erratic behavior and staying out all night with no hint of his whereabouts. That's cause for pretty huge concern.

 

[Avniel]

What are his parents like? Any history of drug abuse? How often does he drink? Does his family have any history of mental illness? What denomination are you two a member of? Is this the same as his home church?

 

[bethrow]

I would want to know what demomination you are members of. Is this a big church or just a small one? Have these people known him for years or just know him as pastor?
He should not be leading a congregation. Do you trust anyone in the church? Is there someone you can go to?
Why is he preaching if he doesn't even love God enough to live a life according to how God wants him to live and provide for himself and his family?
Is he abusive to you? If you told on him would you suffer the consequences?

 

[HCrossth2012]

LinkH:::I'm just wondering how many people have spouses who smoke, drink alcohol, and sometimes cuss. Should you lock your spouse out of the house for it, or divorce him/her for it?

Peace in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ.

Would Jesus make people feel like the way this Women is feeling?

Her Husband is doing things in church in the name of Jesus Chrsit(and he will answer for that Matthew 7 22 Many will say to me in that day, Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in thy name? and in thy name have cast out devils? and in thy name done many wonderful works? 23 And then will I profess unto them, I never knew you: depart from me, ye that work iniquity ), what about home? in what name is he doing all the above you just mentioned? all those are not CHRIST like things at all. Repent and Repent and Repent..

I would not lock someone out in Jesus name. Jesus said you cannot do anything without me. We have to be Christ like. Learn from Jesus. and what I have learned amazes me.



To.. TMD1

How are you with God? Lots can be done with prayer of One person.
look at yourself inside first. You Make up with God first, and I tell you the Gates of Hell will not prevail against you and your family anymore.

God bless you and your family.

 

[SearchingStudent]

Luther...Indiana does NOT enforce that law...I tried to prosecute my X on that and was told that since it was a "marital issue" it was better handled in divorce court...

 

[Tropical Wilds]

Most states don't prosecute that anymore. There's too much of a liability to enforce it, it's declared a civil issue, and people are told to go to court to resolve it as it's not a police matter.

 

[TMD1]

It's been over 2 years since I posted this. Thank you all for your thoughts. Things are still the same. I've stayed this long because I have 4 kids age 5 and under and I don't have anyone to take care of my kids while I work. He's my baby sitter and causes me to miss work when he wants to stay out. still preaches and sins. Uses the money to support his habits. Still isn't working and not even trying to find a job. He's a bum. I told him that i don't want to be married to him anymore, but he has yet to leave. I ask God all the time to make a way of escape for me, but God does not advocate divorce. I just want separation. If I didn't have God to sustain me through this hell, i don't know what i would do. One day I will be free and that's my hope.

 

[WolfGate]

The Emotionally Destructive Marriage

Here is a resource that might help you. Christ based. I know very well a former pastor's wife (he is deceased now) who lived the life you describe. Prayers for you.

 

[mkgal1]

I'm sorry you've been going through this (and it sounds as if you have no other support).

Are there other pastors at that church that you could maybe reach out to (in hopes that they'd employ a plan of restoration for your family)?

While your "story" may have a different ending.....the beginning sounds just like this author's The Emotionally Healthy Woman: Eight Things You Have to Quit to Change Your Life - Geri Scazzero - Google Books

She'd quit attending the church her husband pastored when she'd gotten fed up with the fake facade (just like you're describing). As long as your husband has a listening "audience" it seems doubtful he's going to be willing to change. I pray others will be receptive to the truth (for all concerned).

 

[Josephus]

Zipporah had to take things into her own hands when Moses failed to circumcise her son.

Is your husband accountable to anyone spiritually? If so, bring up your plight to them.

And never quit praying for your marriage. G-d doesn't quit on us. I know its practically impossible to get G-d's vision for your husband and marriage at this juncture, but G-d does have a vision for you, your husband, and your marriage. You are not alone when you are walking with G-d. This work will require that you keep spiritually fit, and if not, then that is your first priority.

I'm so sorry to hear that you are going through this. It's not fun, but there is a hope. I've experienced it.