I've Blashphemed the Holy Spirit. What now?

[Aussie Pete]

We cannot be "unborn" but we can die spiritually if we do not keep his commandments. I can understand that Satan would try and accuse me and get me to look at my sin. Which I think I have been looking at my sin verses what Jesus did for me. But in John 15 he says that if we abide in him we would abide in us. If we don;t abide in him he is cut off , gathered and thrown into the fire and burned. I have not been abiding in him or following his commandments. I had forgiveness in my heart and I was just careless. Now that I see how important it is I want to go back but I am not sure if that is possible.

I wonder if you know what it means to be born again. We receive a new spirit, that is of God and has nothing to do with sin - "whatever is born of God does not sin". If the inner spirit man does not die, then we may lose all appearance and all the benefits of being saved, but we are still going to be accepted by God.

What we put at risk is our place in the Kingdom of God. This is of far greater value than anything we can have in this life. We also miss out on the second salvation - the Salvation of the Soul. You may remember the man at Corinth who was living in gross sin, unacceptable even to unbelievers. The man was disciplined then welcomed back. Interestingly, Paul had some tough words for the church for tolerating the wicked behaviour. I'm sure he'd have a bit to say to many churches in this day.

The fact that you are troubled by your state is evidence to me that you have not fallen beyond recovery. I know the depths of despair when Satan is hammering you with accusation after accusation. I also know that the precious blood of Lord Jesus pays the price of all my sin, failure, defeat and everywhere that I fall short of God's glory.

There is a scene in "Pilgrim's Progress" where some believers were hanged. It is very graphic in the movie. Pilgrim asks, "Could they not have been forgiven?" Evangelist says, "They did not ask". We can stay in the pit for a very long time. Or we can appeal to God's mercy and grace and plead the precious blood of Christ. When God forgives, our sin is removed as if it never happened. Satan's mouth is shut - he has no answer to the blood.

My advice is to come once more to the cross. That's where God meets sinners like you and me. See Jesus dying for you. See yourself dead on the cross with Him. See all your sin laid on Him. Further, see yourself buried - that's what baptism is really about. See yourself raised from the dead a new creation. Start confessing the truth - from God's point of view, not the devil's! You died and your life is hid in Christ with God is a starting point.

You think you have "over-sinned"? How about a murdering, lying adulterer who dragged other people into his sin? A man who was anointed by God, Psalm writer and musician? King David was a man after God's own heart. Except for a sin that would get most people imprisoned or worse. God forgave David. Can he not also forgive you?

 

[zoidar]

Even if youve been stubborn and rebellious and not keeping his commandments?

Yes!

 

[tdidymas]

We cannot be "unborn" but we can die spiritually if we do not keep his commandments. I can understand that Satan would try and accuse me and get me to look at my sin. Which I think I have been looking at my sin verses what Jesus did for me. But in John 15 he says that if we abide in him we would abide in us. If we don;t abide in him he is cut off , gathered and thrown into the fire and burned. I have not been abiding in him or following his commandments. I had forgiveness in my heart and I was just careless. Now that I see how important it is I want to go back but I am not sure if that is possible.

By yourself, it is impossible. But "with God, all things are possible." It seems to me you're too focused on yourself and what you may or may not be able to do. If you trust Christ for deliverance from your sins, then you'll "not be put to shame." That is, you won't be disappointed. This is where endurance comes in, which is a character trait God develops in us all. Endurance in faith. We all must go through internal struggles and tribulation to get there.
TD

 

[4hope]

Thank you for your response.

It's not so much that I don't have feelings of being saved that is the problem. I've gone through times of falling into sin and not feeling the presence of the Holy Spirit or feeling like a believer. I understand that.
What is so utterly different from those times is that I no longer have conviction of sin or brokenness over my sin. Sin doesn't seem like a big deal. Also there is no fruit of the Spirit being produced in me or desire for the Lord. This all occurred while in a long period of wrestling with sin. The wrestling has since stopped due to the lack of conviction and not seeing sin as a problem. This is what is concerning.
When the Spirit is not working in your life any more, what do you do? When you aren't broken over your sin and can't repent from the heart, what do you do? This has been going on for 2 and a half years now and as much as I have cried out, the Lord has not changed my heart. I have to come to grips with the reality that the Spirit has left. Not to mention the moment when I felt him leave.

I hope that helps shed some light on my situation a little more.

Pls reply to this post as I have some things to share. I know exactly what you are talking about.

 

[Jesusfollower223]

Pls reply to this post as I have some things to share. I know exactly what you are talking about.

Please share

 

[4hope]

Please share

 

[4hope]

I am so sorry I did not see your reply to my message.
Please forgive me.

I know what you and others are going through. Everyone gives great advice but unless you have gone through it, no one understands.

I can’t get into all the details now as my walk is still unfolding. I experienced the same in all its horror. But, with God all things are possible. And, he is Merciful!

I searched all over- Scriptures, YT, articles, forums, to find a way. By God’s GRACE - after weeks of searching, I did find info where some went through this and returned - better, stronger than before. I had hope!

I studied to see what it was that changed their path.
Faith, Believe, Prayer, reading Gods Word, seeking him more than anything, and fasting...even when they had no feelings, were scared and couldn’t think straight.

So, I try to pray morning, noon, and night. I read a chapter in the Bible every day, and I am trying to Fast ( like a Daniel fast). And, I try to Praise God often and thank him for everything! I don’t do everything perfect but I try.

Since then, through God’s GRACE, he gave me the ability to begin to cry from my heart! It’s small but it’s a start!

And, for 1 day I was myself ( it felt like a fog lifted off me) and I experienced joy! With these 2 experiences, I had hope and believed I’m on the right track.

I can’t say what God will do, even for myself. All I know is I have to believe, have faith and not give up. When fear and doubt come up, I try to push them out of my mind and stay focused on my goal of being restored to Jesus.

What choice do you have???

John 6:65-68 (KJV) “And, he said, Therefore said I unto you, that no man can come unto me, except it were given unto him of my Father. From that time many of his disciples went back, and walked no more with him.

“ Then, said Jesus unto the twelve, will ye also go away?”

“ Then, Simon Peter answered him, Lord, to whom shall we go? thou hast the words of eternal life. “

So, I ask you... will you go away also? Will you be like some of the disciples that gave up and walked away? Where will “you” go to find the words of eternal life?

And, it could be that God is testing you. Testing how faithful you are. Do you really love him? Are you going to persevere even when everything looks impossible?

The biggest thing is FAITH and BELIEVE!

Hebrews 11:1 (KJV) “Now, faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.”

Isn’t that what we’re dealing with here???

If you are really, really serious, and you have Faith, even of a mustard seed, I believe God can soften your heart and you can have life and purpose once again!

Hope this helps someone.

 

[fwGod]

So I know this is probably not a shocking title and that it's probably common to see a post like this. However, I've been struggling for some years over my possible loss of salvation. You may have seen my posts in the past. I'll link them below for those who would be interested. They may give a more robust explanation of what has happened.

Has my sin killed me spiritually? Loss of salvation
What to do when you are beyond repentance?

The short of it is as follows:
I became a believer around the age of 10 and saw a stark change in my life and desires. Hatred towards sin and love and desire for Christ. Shortly after I was exposed to pornography and formed an addiction. The following 17 years were an up and down dealing with addiction and the Lord drawing me back to repentance.
Until 2 years ago. I had been in a pit of sin and despair hating my sin and crying out to the Lord to free me from it but being, seemingly, unable to escape it for long. I had good moments of repentance during that time but I would always inevitable fall back into my sin. I would like to point out that this was not a time of me walking away from Christ in a knowing sense. It was a time of gripping Christ, struggling/falling, repenting, gripping Christ and struggling/falling. During that time I had just started seminary but was still struggling in my thought life and occasionally on the internet.
One night I fell to temptation and felt no remorse or brokenness. It was shocking and horrifying. I sinned and felt no conviction over it. I spent the rest of the night in prayer trying to repent and felt that I could not. Unable to feel broken over sin or that what I had done was a problem.
The next morning I woke up and began seeking the Lord about what had happened filled with an intense sense of deep, deep anxiety about my relationship with the Lord. During a time of prayer I felt, what seemed to me, the departing of the Holy Spirit. The reason I believe this to be true is because of the state of my heart and mind afterwords. My heart felt like a stone in my chest and I felt no love or desire for the Lord. My sin didn't seem to be a big deal to me anymore. I opened my bible and it looked like words on a page. It seemed that I no longer believed the Scriptures anymore no matter how hard I fought to. I knew experientially that they were true but there was not heart level belief. It was like I had undergone a de-renewing of my mind and heart. My thoughts were wicked and I had no regard for the Lord. It seemed as though he had left me completely. There was no work of the Holy Spirit occurring in my life. The Word was not illuminated, I was not convicted of sin and I felt a horrible fear of destruction. The most visceral fear of condemnation.
Two years later nothing has changed. At that time this began I had resolved that I would not continue in sin and that I would continue to submit to the Lord even if he had left me. I resolved to live what was rest of my life to the glory of God but that has become difficult in the lack of desire to do so. It does not seem possible to remain faithful to the Lord apart from the Holy Spirit's work to impart those desires. I have no desire to run head long into sin but I also do not desire the Lord.

I ran across these 2 articles last night and I believe they speak to my situation. I'm not sure what to do now.
What Is the Unforgivable Sin?
Beyond Forgiveness: Blasphemy Against the Spirit

The thing that stuck out to me was,
"The unforgivable sin is when you have resisted him so decisively that he has forsaken you and you can no longer repent. You try to repent and you can't repent. You can't be genuinely sorry for your sin or turn away from it. That is a horribly frightening situation to be in."

RC Sproul quoted a theologian saying, "To be sure, hell will be awful for both, but as one theologian has noted, all the sinners in hell would move heaven and earth if they could remove but one transgression from their record and have their punishment even barely alleviated."

Everything in my life points to this reality and I'm not sure how to move forward. My desires to remain faithful to the Lord have departed and I cannot continue if the Spirit does not empower. If there is no returning of the Holy Spirit because I have blasphemed though persistence in sin, what then should one do? Would it not be most profitable in my situation to remove myself from this life for the sake of my eternity?

Faith is not based on a feeling. Faith is spoken, many times without feeling anything. Whether any child of God feels it or not the Bible still says that God will never leave us nor forsake us.

The persistence of sin is not at issue concerning the unpardonable sin. Many Christians refer to themselves as a sinner saved by grace. Whereas a sinner persistently gleefully sins with reveling abandonment.

I don't think that you've done that at everytime that you've persistently sinned because of some temptations in some area of your life.
Not necessarily of the same sin, but sinning persistently because there are so many persistent sins that attack us every day.

Did you know that the Bible says that if a Christian says that they don't sin, that they are a liar..?

You're mistaking the Christian being tempted many times a day in many different ways.. with the unpardonable sin.

Blasphemy of the Holy Spirit is not the persisting in sin. The unpardonable sin is for a mature Christian (like the apostle Paul) to completely turn away from God. And not desire to remove themselves for the sake of eternity. But to continue to live in their uproarious sinfulness.

Just because you don't feel sorrowful for having sinned for the umpteenth time.. that does not equate to resisting conviction to repent. It just means that you're temporarily numbed by your own inability to resist the sin, numbed rather than having a sorrowful feeling. Because you might have been forcing the sorrowful feeling everytime that you've sinned.

So now you just don't want to force yourself to feel sorrowful anymore. You feel disingenuous to force it.

So now you've come to a place of exercising your faith in God to forgive you for the umpteenth time of repeated sin.

Remember what Peter said.. Lord, how many times do I forgive someone.. shall it be seven?
Jesus replied.. seventy times seven. Which Peter later wrote what Jesus meant. Love covers the multitude of sin.

Praise God that His mercy endures forever. In your umpteenth repeat of sins.. you haven't reached 'forever' yet.

So why give up now?

You said that you know that you've done wrong but you think that you have to feel terrible for having done wrong. That's not what conviction is. Conviction is a knowing, not a feeling. It can cause an anguish of heart for having done wrong. But the feeling is not a requirement in order to repent.

It's really wrong to use your emotions to judge your own sincerity. Because doing right does not require a feeling that you are. It only requires doing.

Faith in God doesn't require a feeling. It requires being a doer of God's Word.

Remaining faithful to God is not a feeling. It is a knowing that is acted upon. You act on remaining faithful by repenting. Repenting is an action, not a feeling. Believing that you receive cleansing from all unrighteousness is not a feeling. It is receiving by faith. Taking God at His Word. All things of God are not based on, nor require a feeling.

Feelings can come, but they don't have to in order to know what's right and what's wrong.

 

[Alynn]

I am so sorry I did not see your reply to my message.
Please forgive me.

I know what you and others are going through. Everyone gives great advice but unless you have gone through it, no one understands.

I can’t get into all the details now as my walk is still unfolding. I experienced the same in all its horror. But, with God all things are possible. And, he is Merciful!

I searched all over- Scriptures, YT, articles, forums, to find a way. By God’s GRACE - after weeks of searching, I did find info where some went through this and returned - better, stronger than before. I had hope!

I studied to see what it was that changed their path.
Faith, Believe, Prayer, reading Gods Word, seeking him more than anything, and fasting...even when they had no feelings, were scared and couldn’t think straight.

So, I try to pray morning, noon, and night. I read a chapter in the Bible every day, and I am trying to Fast ( like a Daniel fast). And, I try to Praise God often and thank him for everything! I don’t do everything perfect but I try.

Since then, through God’s GRACE, he gave me the ability to begin to cry from my heart! It’s small but it’s a start!

And, for 1 day I was myself ( it felt like a fog lifted off me) and I experienced joy! With these 2 experiences, I had hope and believed I’m on the right track.

I can’t say what God will do, even for myself. All I know is I have to believe, have faith and not give up. When fear and doubt come up, I try to push them out of my mind and stay focused on my goal of being restored to Jesus.

What choice do you have???

John 6:65-68 (KJV) “And, he said, Therefore said I unto you, that no man can come unto me, except it were given unto him of my Father. From that time many of his disciples went back, and walked no more with him.

“ Then, said Jesus unto the twelve, will ye also go away?”

“ Then, Simon Peter answered him, Lord, to whom shall we go? thou hast the words of eternal life. “

So, I ask you... will you go away also? Will you be like some of the disciples that gave up and walked away? Where will “you” go to find the words of eternal life?

And, it could be that God is testing you. Testing how faithful you are. Do you really love him? Are you going to persevere even when everything looks impossible?

The biggest thing is FAITH and BELIEVE!

Hebrews 11:1 (KJV) “Now, faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.”

Isn’t that what we’re dealing with here???

If you are really, really serious, and you have Faith, even of a mustard seed, I believe God can soften your heart and you can have life and purpose once again!

Hope this helps someone.

When did you realize this?. Was it over a collective time?

 

[Angela Strande]

I would like to talk to you if possible

Used to be in this same boat, just getting out of it recently.

No you havent lost your salvation or God. God hasn't withdrawn his spirit, its still in you, your just dont know it yet, it remains hidden from you but it will still help you.

God loves you and thats why he has withdrawn which is impossible for you to see right now.

Looking back its hard to explain, from my experience its more like God has been feeding you spiritual milk through the holy spirit, however you been a Christian for awhile now, and God has taken you off the milk, and you have started to distress.

In a sense, your being pushed to mature, your faith has been in the feelings of the holy spirit for example, however now you need to put your faith in Jesus regardless of your feelings.

It happened to me, and i cannot say now, that it wasnt for my own good, you will gain a much greater trust in God, you will learn to put God's will above your own. Your faith will grow much much stronger ect ect.

All i can say is, you just got to keep moving forward, its a hard place to be thats for sure, however there is light at the end, and there is hope, when its time, it will come back.

 

[JennaB33]

I am in the same boat here. It has been a long time since i’ve heard From the Lord because of what you’re talking about. How is everyone doing? @Alynn @Jesusfollower223

 

[Alynn]

I am in the same boat here. It has been a long time since i’ve heard From the Lord because of what you’re talking about. How is everyone doing? @Alynn @Jesusfollower223

There is hope put there. I'm still struggling. I have come to a point were I've just admitted to myself that I've been wrong about everything in my life. There has been hurt and pride and ego and anger. I dont know what MY future holds. But please dont give up. There really is hope!! Nothing is impossible with God. Those thoughts from satan who tell you God cant do anything with you IT IS A LIE!! That's it's over. IT IS A LIE!! Keep going keep going KEEP GOING!!!! Get in the word. Seek him. Even if you dont feel anything. Again EVEN IF. Our feelings have been manipulated by satan. Dont give up. Dont give up.

 

[JennaB33]

Wow I can see you’re coming into the true salvation experience as God’s revealing that to you. I’m guessing before you didn’t have that? Holy Spirit’s true empowerment, conviction etc? Did you get filled with Him before?

 

[Alynn]

Wow I can see you’re coming into the true salvation experience as God’s revealing that to you. I’m guessing before you didn’t have that? Holy Spirit’s true empowerment, conviction etc? Did you get filled with Him before?

I wouldn't go as far to say that I'm coming into his salvation. I'm still struggling and there are ALOT of things I'm trying to work on. I've never been filled with the Holy Spirit but I want to filled with him though. It really is a battle

 

[Chris35]

IT IS A LIE!! Keep going keep going KEEP GOING!!!! Get in the word. Seek him. Even if you dont feel anything. Again EVEN IF. Our feelings have been manipulated by satan. Dont give up. Dont give up.

Spot on, keep going, its a lie. Just look at israel, how many times they turned away from God, and how many times God had compassion when they turned back to him.

11Again I ask: Did they stumble so as to fall beyond recovery? Not at all! Rather, because of their transgression, salvation has come to the Gentiles

28As far as the gospel is concerned, they are enemies for your sake; but as far as election is concerned, they are loved on account of the patriarchs, 29for God’s gifts and his call are irrevocable.

Israel has experienced a hardening in part until the full number of the Gentiles has come in,26and in this way e all Israel will be saved.

Even after the crucifixition of the messiah, and rejection of Jesus, God still has a plan to save israel, and bring them back to him.

The things your going through, it is because of a lack of understanding about God. The only way your going to get that understanding is through the bible. Keep reading and keep praying for understanding and to know him. Keep moving forward.

 

[JANIS MICULIS]

@bathelter01 How are You doing now? Is there any progress or things happening in Your life since Your last post? I have been following this website for more that a half year now and it gives me some hope at least to see that I am not alone im my strugles.

 

[JennaB33]

Pls reply to this post as I have some things to share. I know exactly what you are talking about.

Are you still active on forums? Can you share your insight?

 

[Gary K]

So I know this is probably not a shocking title and that it's probably common to see a post like this. However, I've been struggling for some years over my possible loss of salvation. You may have seen my posts in the past. I'll link them below for those who would be interested. They may give a more robust explanation of what has happened.

Has my sin killed me spiritually? Loss of salvation
What to do when you are beyond repentance?

The short of it is as follows:
I became a believer around the age of 10 and saw a stark change in my life and desires. Hatred towards sin and love and desire for Christ. Shortly after I was exposed to pornography and formed an addiction. The following 17 years were an up and down dealing with addiction and the Lord drawing me back to repentance.
Until 2 years ago. I had been in a pit of sin and despair hating my sin and crying out to the Lord to free me from it but being, seemingly, unable to escape it for long. I had good moments of repentance during that time but I would always inevitable fall back into my sin. I would like to point out that this was not a time of me walking away from Christ in a knowing sense. It was a time of gripping Christ, struggling/falling, repenting, gripping Christ and struggling/falling. During that time I had just started seminary but was still struggling in my thought life and occasionally on the internet.
One night I fell to temptation and felt no remorse or brokenness. It was shocking and horrifying. I sinned and felt no conviction over it. I spent the rest of the night in prayer trying to repent and felt that I could not. Unable to feel broken over sin or that what I had done was a problem.
The next morning I woke up and began seeking the Lord about what had happened filled with an intense sense of deep, deep anxiety about my relationship with the Lord. During a time of prayer I felt, what seemed to me, the departing of the Holy Spirit. The reason I believe this to be true is because of the state of my heart and mind afterwords. My heart felt like a stone in my chest and I felt no love or desire for the Lord. My sin didn't seem to be a big deal to me anymore. I opened my bible and it looked like words on a page. It seemed that I no longer believed the Scriptures anymore no matter how hard I fought to. I knew experientially that they were true but there was not heart level belief. It was like I had undergone a de-renewing of my mind and heart. My thoughts were wicked and I had no regard for the Lord. It seemed as though he had left me completely. There was no work of the Holy Spirit occurring in my life. The Word was not illuminated, I was not convicted of sin and I felt a horrible fear of destruction. The most visceral fear of condemnation.
Two years later nothing has changed. At that time this began I had resolved that I would not continue in sin and that I would continue to submit to the Lord even if he had left me. I resolved to live what was rest of my life to the glory of God but that has become difficult in the lack of desire to do so. It does not seem possible to remain faithful to the Lord apart from the Holy Spirit's work to impart those desires. I have no desire to run head long into sin but I also do not desire the Lord.

I ran across these 2 articles last night and I believe they speak to my situation. I'm not sure what to do now.
What Is the Unforgivable Sin?
Beyond Forgiveness: Blasphemy Against the Spirit

The thing that stuck out to me was,
"The unforgivable sin is when you have resisted him so decisively that he has forsaken you and you can no longer repent. You try to repent and you can't repent. You can't be genuinely sorry for your sin or turn away from it. That is a horribly frightening situation to be in."

RC Sproul quoted a theologian saying, "To be sure, hell will be awful for both, but as one theologian has noted, all the sinners in hell would move heaven and earth if they could remove but one transgression from their record and have their punishment even barely alleviated."

Everything in my life points to this reality and I'm not sure how to move forward. My desires to remain faithful to the Lord have departed and I cannot continue if the Spirit does not empower. If there is no returning of the Holy Spirit because I have blasphemed though persistence in sin, what then should one do? Would it not be most profitable in my situation to remove myself from this life for the sake of my eternity?

I understand what you're saying. I'm also wondering if you're just responding to an illusion that the devil is hanging in front of you to get you to release your hold on Jesus.

Reread the story of Job and everything he went through. He speaks to looking around for whoever is tormenting him but can't find that person. I've had similar experiences of being tormented with a feeling of losing my salvation. It turns out it was the devil tormenting me as I have gotten through the experiences and understand now what I went through. How did I get through the almost overwhelming feeling of having lost my salvation? I quoted God's promises found throughout the Bible of what He can do with our hearts. I claimed those promises of His, and asked that He save me from myself for I surely couldn't do that. I did that many times and finally the spell over me was broken and I once again saw the hope of salvation and God's blessing in what I went through. He taught me a lot about myself and about how He deals with us, and His love for me. As He loves you no less than He loves me I cannot see how someone who cares so deeply for his fellow man that he comes here to help them with his story has been rejected by God. How could you have when you display so much of God's love for your fellow man? Anyone who has grieved away the Holy Spirit would have no such interest in his fellow man's salvation.

The other thing I would recommend you prayerfully look at is the life of Solomon. He was given incredible spiritual advantages in a miraculous manner. He was given an immense amount of wisdom and wisdom can only come from God. Read all the evil that Solomon did, and then realize he did all that as the leader of God's people at the time. And remember while you're looking at his life that the Bible tells us that much is required from those to whom much is given. I know of no other Biblical figure to who more was given, and yet we still find Solomon's writings in scripture. If Solomon was forgiven after the amount of evil he did, then just about anyone can be forgiven. But I think it's dependent on us as to knock and keep on knocking on God's door and to keep on reminding Him that we are grass and are completely reliant upon Him to save us for we cannot save ourselves. We're here for just a short time and then we wither and die.

We don't know a lot about the life of Esau, but we do know that he despised spiritual values for much of his life. I mean he sold his birthright, of which a large part was being the spiritual head of his family and being given immense spiritual gifts, for nothing more than a bowl of lentil stew. Now I really like lentil stew, but see a very large difference in value between being given deep spiritual insights with his birthright, and a bowl of lentil stew. Esau actually rejected being made the priest of his family. That's a deeply profound rejection of God.

Now just what the exact differences are between Esau and Solomon I don't understand. But I got to thinking about these two a while back and I came to understand that I do not know at what point it is that God gives us over to our sins. I once thought I knew what that point is, but I no longer even imagine that I'm wise enough to know. To tell the truth I'm pretty glad that I don't know what that point is for not knowing allows me to joyfully give that point over to God and His omnipotent wisdom and justice. And that is what I will leave with you. Do not think that you can judge yourself accurately. Only God can do that. Stop judging yourself and allow God to be your judge. He's much more knowledgable, just, and fair than any human being.

 

[Olmhinlu]

So I know this is probably not a shocking title and that it's probably common to see a post like this. However, I've been struggling for some years over my possible loss of salvation. You may have seen my posts in the past. I'll link them below for those who would be interested. They may give a more robust explanation of what has happened.

Has my sin killed me spiritually? Loss of salvation
What to do when you are beyond repentance?

The short of it is as follows:
I became a believer around the age of 10 and saw a stark change in my life and desires. Hatred towards sin and love and desire for Christ. Shortly after I was exposed to pornography and formed an addiction. The following 17 years were an up and down dealing with addiction and the Lord drawing me back to repentance.
Until 2 years ago. I had been in a pit of sin and despair hating my sin and crying out to the Lord to free me from it but being, seemingly, unable to escape it for long. I had good moments of repentance during that time but I would always inevitable fall back into my sin. I would like to point out that this was not a time of me walking away from Christ in a knowing sense. It was a time of gripping Christ, struggling/falling, repenting, gripping Christ and struggling/falling. During that time I had just started seminary but was still struggling in my thought life and occasionally on the internet.
One night I fell to temptation and felt no remorse or brokenness. It was shocking and horrifying. I sinned and felt no conviction over it. I spent the rest of the night in prayer trying to repent and felt that I could not. Unable to feel broken over sin or that what I had done was a problem.
The next morning I woke up and began seeking the Lord about what had happened filled with an intense sense of deep, deep anxiety about my relationship with the Lord. During a time of prayer I felt, what seemed to me, the departing of the Holy Spirit. The reason I believe this to be true is because of the state of my heart and mind afterwords. My heart felt like a stone in my chest and I felt no love or desire for the Lord. My sin didn't seem to be a big deal to me anymore. I opened my bible and it looked like words on a page. It seemed that I no longer believed the Scriptures anymore no matter how hard I fought to. I knew experientially that they were true but there was not heart level belief. It was like I had undergone a de-renewing of my mind and heart. My thoughts were wicked and I had no regard for the Lord. It seemed as though he had left me completely. There was no work of the Holy Spirit occurring in my life. The Word was not illuminated, I was not convicted of sin and I felt a horrible fear of destruction. The most visceral fear of condemnation.
Two years later nothing has changed. At that time this began I had resolved that I would not continue in sin and that I would continue to submit to the Lord even if he had left me. I resolved to live what was rest of my life to the glory of God but that has become difficult in the lack of desire to do so. It does not seem possible to remain faithful to the Lord apart from the Holy Spirit's work to impart those desires. I have no desire to run head long into sin but I also do not desire the Lord.

I ran across these 2 articles last night and I believe they speak to my situation. I'm not sure what to do now.
What Is the Unforgivable Sin?
Beyond Forgiveness: Blasphemy Against the Spirit

The thing that stuck out to me was,
"The unforgivable sin is when you have resisted him so decisively that he has forsaken you and you can no longer repent. You try to repent and you can't repent. You can't be genuinely sorry for your sin or turn away from it. That is a horribly frightening situation to be in."

RC Sproul quoted a theologian saying, "To be sure, hell will be awful for both, but as one theologian has noted, all the sinners in hell would move heaven and earth if they could remove but one transgression from their record and have their punishment even barely alleviated."

Everything in my life points to this reality and I'm not sure how to move forward. My desires to remain faithful to the Lord have departed and I cannot continue if the Spirit does not empower. If there is no returning of the Holy Spirit because I have blasphemed though persistence in sin, what then should one do? Would it not be most profitable in my situation to remove myself from this life for the sake of my eternity?

Everything that follows is my personal opinion only.

First off - I've prayed for you; I pray that God makes his presence felt in your life.

Second - I don't know what your life looks like in the eyes of God. I don't necessarily believe it's as bad as you say... but suppose it is. In that scenario, who else could help you but God? Ending it would just lock in the current status. Better to hang around and importunately seek God - at least there'd be a sliver of hope that way. I'm not convinced that your definition of the unforgivable sin is accurate, though.

Finally - you mentioned that you wrestled with a besetting sin and that "Two years later nothing has changed". Does that mean you are still in that sin today?

 

[Jesusfollower223]

I am so sorry I did not see your reply to my message.
Please forgive me.

I know what you and others are going through. Everyone gives great advice but unless you have gone through it, no one understands.

I can’t get into all the details now as my walk is still unfolding. I experienced the same in all its horror. But, with God all things are possible. And, he is Merciful!

I searched all over- Scriptures, YT, articles, forums, to find a way. By God’s GRACE - after weeks of searching, I did find info where some went through this and returned - better, stronger than before. I had hope!

I studied to see what it was that changed their path.
Faith, Believe, Prayer, reading Gods Word, seeking him more than anything, and fasting...even when they had no feelings, were scared and couldn’t think straight.

So, I try to pray morning, noon, and night. I read a chapter in the Bible every day, and I am trying to Fast ( like a Daniel fast). And, I try to Praise God often and thank him for everything! I don’t do everything perfect but I try.

Since then, through God’s GRACE, he gave me the ability to begin to cry from my heart! It’s small but it’s a start!

And, for 1 day I was myself ( it felt like a fog lifted off me) and I experienced joy! With these 2 experiences, I had hope and believed I’m on the right track.

I can’t say what God will do, even for myself. All I know is I have to believe, have faith and not give up. When fear and doubt come up, I try to push them out of my mind and stay focused on my goal of being restored to Jesus.

What choice do you have???

John 6:65-68 (KJV) “And, he said, Therefore said I unto you, that no man can come unto me, except it were given unto him of my Father. From that time many of his disciples went back, and walked no more with him.

“ Then, said Jesus unto the twelve, will ye also go away?”

“ Then, Simon Peter answered him, Lord, to whom shall we go? thou hast the words of eternal life. “

So, I ask you... will you go away also? Will you be like some of the disciples that gave up and walked away? Where will “you” go to find the words of eternal life?

And, it could be that God is testing you. Testing how faithful you are. Do you really love him? Are you going to persevere even when everything looks impossible?

The biggest thing is FAITH and BELIEVE!

Hebrews 11:1 (KJV) “Now, faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.”

Isn’t that what we’re dealing with here???

If you are really, really serious, and you have Faith, even of a mustard seed, I believe God can soften your heart and you can have life and purpose once again!

Hope this helps someone.

I’m going through this please share what happened to you prior