Is my wife lazy or depressed or am I just a terrible husband?

[Kohelet]

My wife & I have been married for 12 years. We have 3 children 8 & under. For the most part we are a loving & fun family, but I am seeing some serious red flags being raised and I have no idea what to do or who to turn to for help, without causing irreparable harm to my marriage. Here's my story:

I work full-time and my wife stays at home, homeschooling the children. I have always been skeptical of the idea, mainly due to a lack of diligence and work ethic on my wife's part. She is the type of person who is highly ambitious and full of ideas, but when the going gets tough, she falls apart and usually abandons whatever she's doing and starts something else. This in itself is not a huge problem, in some cases it can be an endearing charm. However, I'm worried that it's harming our family, especially now that it seems to be getting worse.

To give an example, let me tell you how a typical evening goes for me and please let me know if it is normal and if I'm overreacting . As soon as I get home from work about 6, I immediately have to start on dinner since it's almost never even started. I then have to round up the kids, make sure they are washed, set the table, and prepare the plates for the little ones. Afterwards, I clean up the table & food, occasionally bathe our toddler and put all the kids to bed. Often I'm still in work clothes at this point . Occasionally my wife will help, but for the most part she is usually planted on the sofa browsing on her phone or doing some sort of crafting. I also do almost all the shopping, adult laundry & dishes on top of the typical husband responsibilities (home & lawn maintenance).

That alone has been a source of frustration for me, but for the most part I wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt, especially I don't believe in strict relational duties and since she always complains about how hard her day was and how horrible the kids usually are (they aren't). However that changed after I found out that my 8-year old prepares both breakfast and lunch, does the kid laundry and does dishes as well. She (my 8-year old) also told me that Mom spends ALOT of time browsing/texting on the phone and yells at them all the time, which matches exactly what I see in the evening and on weekends.

Now that seems rather scathing, and it's certainly not the whole picture. She can be extremely thoughtful and generous, often crafting gifts and treats for others. And there are times when she does cook & clean, but they are usually in intense bursts. When she cooks, it's an all-out affair that could feed a family of 10. If she does clean it's usually when someone is coming to visit and she deep cleans the whole house. But this all or nothing approach just doesn't work for the day-to-day needs a family has, right?

The main shortcoming I see in these dry periods is that she takes no ownership or responsibility in overcoming any hardships or trials. It's always someone or something's fault. For example, she wants to exercise more but rarely does, complaining there's not enough time, yet she never gets out of bed before 8:30 and then spends about an hour drinking coffee & browsing before starting her day. She complains about being spiritually dead but hasn't read her Bible in years, blaming her dyslexia for making it too hard too read. She blames the house being in constant disarray on her OCD & dyslexia, saying that seeing a mess overwhelms her to where she just can't do anything about it. She suffers from other anxieties, the main one being an intense fear of the kids getting sick, specifically vomiting, which she uses as excuses to not let kids do various activities (though she is getting better with that as the kids get older). I honestly don't know how to help her with that...are these even valid excuses?

Now, I'm loathe to completely rail on my wife of 12 years, because I do believe she is a good person. Really I'm concerned for her. It seems her detachment from her responsibilities as a wife & mother are becoming more and more pronounced. I honestly think she's showing signs of clinical depression. She tells me often now that she doesn't like being a mother. She says that she regrets not pursuing her ultimate dream of being an archaeologist and now feels trapped in the mundane. And yet when I tell her that we should just send the kids to public school and let her pursue her dreams, she immediately shuts it down, saying that she wants to give the kids a better education and that this is her sacrifice. It's a Catch-22, I know how she was in school and I know she would completely abandon the idea when the real work of being a Graduate & Post-Grad materializes, yet I know she's miserable now and I'm worried she will eventually ruin her relationship with the kids. I don't know who to turn to, as I do not want to denigrate her to anyone that knows her. She is also extremely strong-willed and unwilling to ever hear the slightest criticism or advice, so talking to her directly is an exercise in futility. I'm also certainly not completely innocent. I have a short temper as well, can be overly logical and emotionally distant at times to her and am prone to micromanaging when it comes to budgetary matters (one reason I usually do the shopping ).

So if you made it this far, I really appreciate you reading my long-winded rant. If nothing else it feels good to just put to paper (browser) everything that has been percolating in my mind. But more importantly I would covet any advice, support or even constructive criticism.

 

[RDKirk]

You need for both of you to see a Christian marriage counselor, who can delve into your situation much deeper than we can, to see things in more detail, from both sides, and ask more pertinent questions.

 

[Poppyseed78]

It's hard to make an assessment without actually seeing the daily interactions in your house, but I do think your wife could benefit from some counseling. She clearly has some anxiety and possibly depression as well.

On your end, I think you should pull back the reins a bit and let her handle some things, like grocery shopping. You sound overworked, but then you say you choose to do the shopping because you budget better than she does. But that's a catch-22. Either you do it without complaint or let her do it. Also, with dinner, have you asked her to start dinner some days, or are you just picking up the slack? I think she's gotten comfortable with you taking over. If you stepped back, she would step in to prepare food for the kids.

Homeschooling 3 kids isn't easy. I have to say, you make it seem like she does nothing but sit on the couch all day watching soap operas. I understand that she is slacking on some housework, but she is providing an education for the kids - I assume. It sounds to me like she isn't feeling her work is worth much. If you told her that what she does has value, she would probably feel better about herself and more motivated.

 

[GeorgeJ]

She is also extremely strong-willed and unwilling to ever hear the slightest criticism or advice, so talking to her directly is an exercise in futility. I'm also certainly not completely innocent. I have a short temper as well, can be overly logical and emotionally distant at times to her and am prone to micromanaging when it comes to budgetary matters (one reason I usually do the shopping ).

....buddy, as a husband in a 34-year marriage, I can tell you that if you don't set down and talk with her about what's bugging you, nothing is going to change. You're both going to have to compromise and do it together or you'll spend the rest of your marriage miserable and angry.

I also agree that you need to seek a marriage counselor. It doesn't really have to be a Christian counselor......but I would seek a counselor who also happens to be a Christian, or one who has had a stable marriage for quite a while.

For others viewing this thread....just so you know....I am a Christian, and my wife is and always has been more of an agnostic. So please don't bring up the whole "unequally yoked" thing.

 

[4x4toy]

My wife went through depression a while back and I got to where I despised her , to make a long story short I joined a seniors water aerobics class then after a couple weeks talked her into coming with me , I was not a senior btw .. Once she started I went and joined a beginners aerobics then after a few weeks got her to join that .. I had began playing praise music in the house .. She began to get into the aerobics class , lose weight and she finally began to be a new person , her old self again , full of energy and out of depression .. Then later that year I talked her into coloring her hair then even bought a small trailer and we began buying produce at the farmer market and I let her run her own produce stand .. She built up a customer base and even had a couple who would talk and flirt with her .. I didn't mind because I know and trust her ... Still it give her confidence helped her self esteem .. We broke about even on the buisiness and only did it one season but her whole life changed and she's still going strong ..
I guess my advise would be to get her to join a weekend aerobics class with a midweek afternoon class to break her out of her rut .. Aerobics are not as easy as it looks ..

 

[Kohelet]

It's hard to make an assessment without actually seeing the daily interactions in your house, but I do think your wife could benefit from some counseling. She clearly has some anxiety and possibly depression as well.

On your end, I think you should pull back the reins a bit and let her handle some things, like grocery shopping. You sound overworked, but then you say you choose to do the shopping because you budget better than she does. But that's a catch-22. Either you do it without complaint or let her do it. Also, with dinner, have you asked her to start dinner some days, or are you just picking up the slack? I think she's gotten comfortable with you taking over. If you stepped back, she would step in to prepare food for the kids.

Homeschooling 3 kids isn't easy. I have to say, you make it seem like she does nothing but sit on the couch all day watching soap operas. I understand that she is slacking on some housework, but she is providing an education for the kids - I assume. It sounds to me like she isn't feeling her work is worth much. If you told her that what she does has value, she would probably feel better about herself and more motivated.

Yeah I realize asking for and giving advice completely divorced from intimate knowledge of the situation is hard. I think counseling would be wise, but not sure who to turn to. We recently switched churches and I don't feel comfortable airing out all the dirty laundry to our new pastor while just getting personally acquainted.

I wouldn't say I feel overworked though, just underappreciated. It's not like I forbid her from grocery shopping...she actually does go out on occasion, but when she does she'll come back with a 3-month supply of yogurt, candy and fruit. I think it's just part of her personality that cannot focus on how to balance and maintain the daily grind. Dinner is the same way, she is an extremely picky eater, and naturally gravitates towards a few select meals. But every weekend as I'm brainstorming for meal ideas I always am sure to ask if there is anything she would like to make or eat, and am always met with ambivalence. I've tried to give her meal plans but sometimes even the simplest ones don't work because she gets too distracted.

I know homeschooling 3 isn't easy. I certainly couldn't do it, but I recognize that shortcoming. What I'm afraid of is that my wife just isn't able to, but cannot bring herself to admit that she cannot either. She is passionate about education, and I know she really wants to give them the best one possible, but I don't think she has the temperament or discipline necessary. The reason this came to a head for me was hearing my 8-year old describe a typical day for them. She is only teaching 1 kid right now, and only 1 or 2 subjects a day. Our Kindergartner is barely doing anything, but my wife says it's not necessary until next year. I fear it will only get worse then.

 

[~Anastasia~]

Is there a local homeschooling group or co-op around?

I homeschooled my daughter, and it was only one, but we did probably double the subjects in typical schools, because of her interests and what I felt was important. With practice and organization and good materials it gets easier, and it's less hands-on as they get older, but an 8-year old is still fairly hands-on but already open for much more learning, so it's pretty intense at that age.

I'm just guessing here, but I wonder if she feels overwhelmed and just doesn't know how to break things down? Changing your whole life is a daunting mountain to face. Internet and crafts may be a way to escape and destress but the problem is that kind of behavior can become addictive as well.

I can't really know the situation, and I may be wrong. I'm only guessing. But if it's anything like this, small steps with visible successes can help. But if she us very sensitive to criticism and not being honest with herself, it's a difficult subject to broach.

That's one reason I asked about local groups or co-ops. Seeing what others are doing can help motivate and provide advice. Beyond that, I would say small steps ... if I'm even right.

 

[Kohelet]

Is there a local homeschooling group or co-op around?

I homeschooled my daughter, and it was only one, but we did probably double the subjects in typical schools, because of her interests and what I felt was important. With practice and organization and good materials it gets easier, and it's less hands-on as they get older, but an 8-year old is still fairly hands-on but already open for much more learning, so it's pretty intense at that age.

I'm just guessing here, but I wonder if she feels overwhelmed and just doesn't know how to break things down? Changing your whole life is a daunting mountain to face. Internet and crafts may be a way to escape and destress but the problem is that kind of behavior can become addictive as well.

I can't really know the situation, and I may be wrong. I'm only guessing. But if it's anything like this, small steps with visible successes can help. But if she us very sensitive to criticism and not being honest with herself, it's a difficult subject to broach.

That's one reason I asked about local groups or co-ops. Seeing what others are doing can help motivate and provide advice. Beyond that, I would say small steps ... if I'm even right.

You are absolutely right, Internet & crafts are how she escapes/destresses. The fact is that kids and their constant needs are an absolute trigger for her, and that is the only way she can cope I think. She feels guilty that other mom's seem to constantly be enamored with their children, always wanting to spend more time with them, while she is constantly looking for ways to get away. I do tell her that it's nothing to be ashamed of, that we are all built differently and are intrinsically drawn to different things. Fortunately, we have an enormous homeschooling community here, especially considering the small size of our town. There are plentiful resources, and she has many connections and most of her closest friends are in the homeschooling community. I don't have any issue with her curriculum, as she has put a lot of thought and research into it. I just worry that her natural tendency to get completely overwhelmed and shut down will have a negative long term effect on both her & the kids.

I've tried to encourage her to get involved in other community activities outside the home, but I think overall it's just too much for her to handle. She's just between a rock & a hard place, stuck between her duties (feeling that she needs to homeschool even though it completely overwhelms her) and her desires (wanting to do something with her life).

Everything you are saying is very spot-on and helpful though, thank you!

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

Yep you both need a christian marriage counselor. And if she really does have depression then she should talk to a doctor. I know no one wants to take meds but it helped my depression. Though after awhile I started on anxiety pills too and all that did was was turn me into a zombie (aka made me feel lifeless and tired).

I know in my moms case she only had me to homeschool. But she also spent all of her day doing chores, sorting medical paperwork, making calls, cooking, cleaning...etc. Its not easy homeschooling and taking care of the house with 3 kids I imagine. Problem is even though she feels its mundane, thats life. Especially if you decide to homeschool. Its hard work but its for a reason. Nobody likes a boring/sometimes stressful routine.

I will say the one thing that frustrates me about my wife is her always being online. Especially on Facebook. And studies show for many that kind of stuff is addicting to the point of the hate everything else in life. I barely ever use FB anymore. Where as when my wife is home shes usually on her phone or watching tv (or both). My wife is strong willed and stubborn sometimes too so discussing things with her can be like pulling a tooth. And it can take a toll on you. I can be passive aggressive sometimes and will sarcastically be like "I wish I was a smartphone, I'd get to spend so much more time with you!".

Again though your wife needs to talk to doctors and a christian counselor because if there is something medically wrong it may be more easily fixed.

 

[Paidiske]

I think a GP check up would be a good thing. Make sure there are no major physical health issues, get mental health assessed, go from there. Counselling might be helpful.

This book might be a good read, too: A Mother's Rule of Life: How to Bring Order to Your Home and Peace to Your Soul: Holly Pierlot: 9781928832416: Amazon.com: Books

The author also struggled and felt overwhelmed while homeschooling, and she sets out how she learned to manage. Could be worth a look?

 

[ImaginaryDay]

Your OP mentioned that your wife:

...blames the house being in constant disarray on her OCD & dyslexia, saying that seeing a mess overwhelms her to where she just can't do anything about it. She suffers from other anxieties, the main one being an intense fear of the kids getting sick, specifically vomiting, which she uses as excuses to not let kids do various activities (though she is getting better with that as the kids get older). I honestly don't know how to help her with that...are these even valid excuses?

If she suffers anxiety disorders (OCD being one) it could (not diagnosing here, just making an observation) explain some things. The thoughts that she has about the "kids getting sick", and the fact that the thoughts are so specific like that might be linked to the OCD as well (i.e. a specific obsession).

I would follow up with your GP as well - someone already suggested it. If she has an anxiety disorder that's not being treated, or other problems that haven't been identified, then the root cause isn't being addressed. So it might not be something she's willfully doing, but something that is affecting her thinking and behavior.

 

[Lulav]

This is the Married Only forum
Clean up of Unmarried posts
has been done.
Please don't post if you aren't
married according to the CF qualifications.

​

 

[Spiritlight]

I am hearing you and feel for you but you guys need trained help. I am no expert but to act sooner and help each other will only be in your best interests. Usually there are lifestyle choices that could be better as well as well as self esteem things that need a boost but most of all communication without arguing or upsetting each other. Communication is the key and lots of it.


Yeah she should be helping out if your working you shouldn't be doing both. You have to agree on who's doing what and stick to it in the house for it to run smooth.

 

[Kohelet]

Just wanted to give a quick update. We had a very long talk last night, but was an extremely positive one. We're both prideful & strong-willed, so oftentimes we have to chisel away the hard exterior before finding the core issues that we are dealing with. After initial frustrations though, I was able to open up and express alot of my issues and also hear hers and what she needs for me to do to help her in areas where she struggles. Thanks again for all your responses!

 

[GeorgeJ]

We had a very long talk last night, but was an extremely positive one.

 

[~Anastasia~]

Just wanted to give a quick update. We had a very long talk last night, but was an extremely positive one. We're both prideful & strong-willed, so oftentimes we have to chisel away the hard exterior before finding the core issues that we are dealing with. After initial frustrations though, I was able to open up and express alot of my issues and also hear hers and what she needs for me to do to help her in areas where she struggles. Thanks again for all your responses!

I'm glad for a positive step!

I hope it goes well, don't forget that it's ok to reevaluate and revisit things. It's easier (usually) when it first comes up rather than waiting for it to reach boiling point again.

By the way, I meant to say that I really appreciated a few things you said about your wife, and that you seem like you are willing to be very supportive in this, and that's a good thing.

And yes, that pride can be difficult to chisel through! It's VERY beneficial to the persons you are to exercise that kind of humility and love with each other though - it can help not only your marriage, but your relationships with God, immensely. As well as being of enormous benefit to your children.

God be with you all.

 

[AKBlessings]

Reading what you wrote about your wife, there were some things I could relate to. I think you two need to communicate openly more, really get to the root of how you are each feeling, and certainly don't give up. I suspect you are both feeling underappreciated and want things to change. For some people, they need their spouse to be there, holding their hand as they change things together, because the emotional isolation of having to make the changes on their own is overwhelming.

At the same time, I wanted to just offer a look at things from her side (potentially, I know she is not me). I have a degree and was on track to go graduate school when I decided that my desire to be a housewife was much stronger and more important. I now homeschool three of our five, soon to be six children. When my husband comes home he usually finds me on Facebook, the iPad, or stretched out on the couch. The house looks like a tornado went off, and dinner may or may not be on the table. I feel awful when he sees that, because what he does not see is the five loads of laundry I put through the machine but have not yet got to fold because the toddler kept climbing the kitchen counters, the 4 year old kept fighting with the 6 year old, and my two oldest needed extra help with their lessons. He sees the toys and clothes thrown about, not knowing that we did three or four family clean ups that day, but the kids are still bad about not just dropping their things on the floor when they are done with them, so it looks like they have been there all day. He sees the meat doing a fast thaw in warm water because I got so distracted with cleaning up the flooded bathroom when the kids were supposed to be bathing instead of recreating the great flood, that I forgot all about pulling the meat our of the freezer until 5pm.

Like you, my husband is understanding and deals with it really well. But I know what he sees, and every time he sees me sitting down instead of dealing with all these things, I feel like he must assume I do nothing all day. In reality, he just happens to catch me when I really just needed to decompress before I tackle the next thing. If he asked my kids what they did all day they might tell how I made them do all the clean up, they had to do the laundry, dishes, kitchen, and housework, while mom yelled at them. What they won't tell you is that I stood there reminding them to take the stuff out of their pockets and untangle their clothes before putting them in the wash. That I then helped them sort and fold their clothes before asking them to take them to their rooms...five times before they finally made it into a drawer. They will forget to mention that the reason they have kitchen chores and household duties is because they have yet to appreciate what they have and make mess after mess. Until we teach them the value of hard work and responsibility and how to care for their own home, that will not change. With each job they are given, I am there telling them and helping them to do it correctly. To kids, it sounds like I am constantly on their case. It is called being a parent...and it is exhausting to do 24 hours a day. The kids will say I am online all day. What they do not know is that I am looking up lesson plans, communicating with the school district, getting advice from our support teacher, submitting grades, looking for advice on how to better organize our days, and home, looking for recipes to try new things, comparing prices from the local stores to try to save some money, etc. Yes, it takes time. But it is also my only window to the outside world four days a week, my only contact with other parents, as well as my way to clear my head before the next thing. When my husband asks how my day ways, I am not likely to give him the whole story, because I do not want to sound like a complainer. I may just say it was a crazy day, and oh, hey, did you read this article of Facebook toady?

I write all this to say that I am sure there is plenty of room for improvement, but do not assume that you have the whole picture, that your children are giving an accurate account of their days, or that your wife is not trying. Give her the benefit of the doubt when you try to address the situation. Because if she feels you are out of touch with what she deals with, and only see her shortcomings, it will make the feelings of guilt, inadequacy, and frustration so huge, that they actually drain her of the emotional energy needed to work on those things. It is a destructive cycle. Approach each conversation from a place of love, not condescension. Do not take over her responsibilities, thinking it will help, because it just looks like you think she is failing and is incapable of doing them. When you come home, give her a kiss and a hug, tell her you missed her, and just sit with her for a few minutes before anything else. Then ask her if there is anything you can do. Yes you have had a long and stressful day too. But it is a huge slap in the face to a stay at home parent to feel the relief of their spouse coming home, only to find out that they are not home to help, but to be waited upon or to compete with. When you come home, you want the hard part of the day to be over, but the stay at home person does not get to be off...they are always on. And if both parents are not always on, that means one is doing the work of two, and they will feel resentment and be overwhelmed.

 

[~Anastasia~]

Reading what you wrote about your wife, there were some things I could relate to. I think you two need to communicate openly more, really get to the root of how you are each feeling, and certainly don't give up. I suspect you are both feeling underappreciated and want things to change. For some people, they need their spouse to be there, holding their hand as they change things together, because the emotional isolation of having to make the changes on their own is overwhelming.

At the same time, I wanted to just offer a look at things from her side (potentially, I know she is not me). I have a degree and was on track to go graduate school when I decided that my desire to be a housewife was much stronger and more important. I now homeschool three of our five, soon to be six children. When my husband comes home he usually finds me on Facebook, the iPad, or stretched out on the couch. The house looks like a tornado went off, and dinner may or may not be on the table. I feel awful when he sees that, because what he does not see is the five loads of laundry I put through the machine but have not yet got to fold because the toddler kept climbing the kitchen counters, the 4 year old kept fighting with the 6 year old, and my two oldest needed extra help with their lessons. He sees the toys and clothes thrown about, not knowing that we did three or four family clean ups that day, but the kids are still bad about not just dropping their things on the floor when they are done with them, so it looks like they have been there all day. He sees the meat doing a fast thaw in warm water because I got so distracted with cleaning up the flooded bathroom when the kids were supposed to be bathing instead of recreating the great flood, that I forgot all about pulling the meat our of the freezer until 5pm.

Like you, my husband is understanding and deals with it really well. But I know what he sees, and every time he sees me sitting down instead of dealing with all these things, I feel like he must assume I do nothing all day. In reality, he just happens to catch me when I really just needed to decompress before I tackle the next thing. If he asked my kids what they did all day they might tell how I made them do all the clean up, they had to do the laundry, dishes, kitchen, and housework, while mom yelled at them. What they won't tell you is that I stood there reminding them to take the stuff out of their pockets and untangle their clothes before putting them in the wash. That I then helped them sort and fold their clothes before asking them to take them to their rooms...five times before they finally made it into a drawer. They will forget to mention that the reason they have kitchen chores and household duties is because they have yet to appreciate what they have and make mess after mess. Until we teach them the value of hard work and responsibility and how to care for their own home, that will not change. With each job they are given, I am there telling them and helping them to do it correctly. To kids, it sounds like I am constantly on their case. It is called being a parent...and it is exhausting to do 24 hours a day. The kids will say I am online all day. What they do not know is that I am looking up lesson plans, communicating with the school district, getting advice from our support teacher, submitting grades, looking for advice on how to better organize our days, and home, looking for recipes to try new things, comparing prices from the local stores to try to save some money, etc. Yes, it takes time. But it is also my only window to the outside world four days a week, my only contact with other parents, as well as my way to clear my head before the next thing. When my husband asks how my day ways, I am not likely to give him the whole story, because I do not want to sound like a complainer. I may just say it was a crazy day, and oh, hey, did you read this article of Facebook toady?

I write all this to say that I am sure there is plenty of room for improvement, but do not assume that you have the whole picture, that your children are giving an accurate account of their days, or that your wife is not trying. Give her the benefit of the doubt when you try to address the situation. Because if she feels you are out of touch with what she deals with, and only see her shortcomings, it will make the feelings of guilt, inadequacy, and frustration so huge, that they actually drain her of the emotional energy needed to work on those things. It is a destructive cycle. Approach each conversation from a place of love, not condescension. Do not take over her responsibilities, thinking it will help, because it just looks like you think she is failing and is incapable of doing them. When you come home, give her a kiss and a hug, tell her you missed her, and just sit with her for a few minutes before anything else. Then ask her if there is anything you can do. Yes you have had a long and stressful day too. But it is a huge slap in the face to a stay at home parent to feel the relief of their spouse coming home, only to find out that they are not home to help, but to be waited upon or to compete with. When you come home, you want the hard part of the day to be over, but the stay at home person does not get to be off...they are always on. And if both parents are not always on, that means one is doing the work of two, and they will feel resentment and be overwhelmed.

This is potentially golden!

I know in my case, it was only one child, but I was also trying to earn enough to pay the bills from home at the same time. At least I didn't have someone coming in at the end of the day to criticize. But I know there is a LOT of truth here that may also apply to the OP's situation.

And I did do it with criticism too, as a homeschooling mom and full-time caregiver (24/7/365). Sometimes you just NEED to escape! And criticism tears down and makes me less able to cope, too.

 

[*LILAC]

Yes, as a sahm, I could relate to a few things in the OP. If your wife really is depressed, exercise should actually help her to get out of it. She really needs to prioritize and, IMO and experience, put the devices away! Or at least make it very minimal unless for absolute necessity. Children often see things in an exaggerated way, so you can't always believe them when they say mom's been on the computer "all day". Try not to beat yourself up, either. You sound like you're working hard at work and at home when you should both be working together as a team. I hope you find a solution to this!

God bless!

 

[live4Christ2016]

She is both lazy and depressed and you are not helping by doing everything for her in the evenings. Put your foot down and tell her to help out in the evenings because what is going on right now is not working. The fact that she says she wishes she didn't have kids is not something to be saying. She is on her phone or iPad because she is escaping.
I can relate to your wife because I have done those things and my husband has done what you do. I suffer from depression and laziness at times.
You both should be working together not by yourselves. She needs to be cooking and cleaning up while you get the kids baths and to bed. She has been with them all day and may feel she needs a break in the evening. Fair enough, but she needs to be cooking and cleaning up and as far as cleaning. She needs to clean weekly. Even if it's just sinks and toilets and dusting.