Is marriage worth it?

[darktipper]

This day and age all I see is arguments growing as time goes on in a marriage.
I am the type of person who walks away from drama good or bad. Maybe it is perhaps I like a person and it did not work out. I don't see how people do it. I have noticed over the year people distance themselves away from me but I don't care because I am not changing for anyone anymore.

I see it on relatives's eyes when I tell them I am remaining single forever. I have had women who were interested baffled... No one seems to understand. Perhaps all one need is FWB or something and just move forward in life...

 

[ValleyGal]

This day and age all I see is arguments growing as time goes on in a marriage.

Not all marriages are marked by arguing. In fact, there is now really good research and information that can help you navigate creating a great marriage. The thing is that marriage takes a lot of work by both spouses. This work is primarily internal - it's about each spouse being obedient to godly principles (mutual service, selflessness, and submission; humility to put the other ahead of yourself, and taking control of any negative thoughts that feed resentment, nurturing the good, and a host of other principles that take a lot of work on yourself).

I am the type of person who walks away from drama good or bad. Maybe it is perhaps I like a person and it did not work out. I don't see how people do it. I have noticed over the year people distance themselves away from me but I don't care because I am not changing for anyone anymore.

It sounds like you are disillusioned and hurt by your experience. Relationships hurt...when we make ourselves vulnerable and give another person influence in our lives. In fact, to the same level we can experience joy with someone, there is the capacity to have the same level of pain with that someone.

You do not need to change for anyone, and you shouldn't. There is only one you should change for, and that is to be transformed to the likeness of the Lord Jesus. If someone does not accept you absolutely the way you are -and the way you will become - then that person is not someone to stay in relationship with. The "right" person (includes you being the right person) is one who will commit to care for the other with consistency even as the relationship and the people in it grow and change through the years. When you are in relationship, you will change along with the other person - it's about the process of the two becoming one.

I see it on relatives's eyes when I tell them I am remaining single forever. I have had women who were interested baffled... No one seems to understand. Perhaps all one need is FWB or something and just move forward in life...

FWB? I don't recommend it for a number of reasons, not the least being bonding. "Benefits" causes hormonal interaction that creates bonding, and iirc, women have a little more bonding going on than men. FWB breaks hearts, and the Bible tells us to guard our hearts. Another reason is that the Bible warns us against fornication (sex before marriage) and adultery (a married person having sex with someone not their spouse). As believers, part of what makes us a follower of Christ is to align our will with his - including sexual purity.

Otoh, current research supports the "friends" theory of making marriage work. We treat our friends a certain way - we love and accept them, including things we disagree about. We respect our friends, turn to our friends when we need help or support, our friends give us a sense of belonging. These are all things we should have in our marriage; things that make marriage work. But it needs to be worked at....selflessness is most important.

To answer your question - is marriage worth it - yes, absolutely worth it when you find someone who is just as committed to learning to love you as you are committed to learning to love her. When you are both in it to put the other ahead of yourself, it's sooo worth it!

If you ever change your mind and decide you would like to find a partner, it is a good idea to study the relationship Jesus has with the church - things like "God loved us while we were yet sinners....", "he gave himself up for us", and concepts like his ministry (reconciliation) and his nature (love). When you study Jesus' relationship with the church and are prepared to do this in a relationship with a wife, then marriage would be a consideration.

 

[darktipper]

Not all marriages are marked by arguing. In fact, there is now really good research and information that can help you navigate creating a great marriage. The thing is that marriage takes a lot of work by both spouses. This work is primarily internal - it's about each spouse being obedient to godly principles (mutual service, selflessness, and submission; humility to put the other ahead of yourself, and taking control of any negative thoughts that feed resentment, nurturing the good, and a host of other principles that take a lot of work on yourself).



It sounds like you are disillusioned and hurt by your experience. Relationships hurt...when we make ourselves vulnerable and give another person influence in our lives. In fact, to the same level we can experience joy with someone, there is the capacity to have the same level of pain with that someone.

You do not need to change for anyone, and you shouldn't. There is only one you should change for, and that is to be transformed to the likeness of the Lord Jesus. If someone does not accept you absolutely the way you are -and the way you will become - then that person is not someone to stay in relationship with. The "right" person (includes you being the right person) is one who will commit to care for the other with consistency even as the relationship and the people in it grow and change through the years. When you are in relationship, you will change along with the other person - it's about the process of the two becoming one.



FWB? I don't recommend it for a number of reasons, not the least being bonding. "Benefits" causes hormonal interaction that creates bonding, and iirc, women have a little more bonding going on than men. FWB breaks hearts, and the Bible tells us to guard our hearts. Another reason is that the Bible warns us against fornication (sex before marriage) and adultery (a married person having sex with someone not their spouse). As believers, part of what makes us a follower of Christ is to align our will with his - including sexual purity.

Otoh, current research supports the "friends" theory of making marriage work. We treat our friends a certain way - we love and accept them, including things we disagree about. We respect our friends, turn to our friends when we need help or support, our friends give us a sense of belonging. These are all things we should have in our marriage; things that make marriage work. But it needs to be worked at....selflessness is most important.

To answer your question - is marriage worth it - yes, absolutely worth it when you find someone who is just as committed to learning to love you as you are committed to learning to love her. When you are both in it to put the other ahead of yourself, it's sooo worth it!

If you ever change your mind and decide you would like to find a partner, it is a good idea to study the relationship Jesus has with the church - things like "God loved us while we were yet sinners....", "he gave himself up for us", and concepts like his ministry (reconciliation) and his nature (love). When you study Jesus' relationship with the church and are prepared to do this in a relationship with a wife, then marriage would be a consideration.

I can't anymore.... I was not happy ever in one. I constantly got flaked on and stuff so yeah.... God would have to do something drastic like drop her right in front of my face and she would not leave me alone..... The woman I have in mind does not exist......

 

[Angeldove97]

Hubby and I are best friends- we spent a few years setting that foundation before getting engaged and married. Two years in, there are times where we can get into fights and then an hour later we're best buddies again - I think what it comes down to is that we both actively choose to love one another- that eventually whatever we are fighting about is simply not worth hurting our love for one another.

If you do not want to have that type of connection with someone, then I wouldn't choose to get married. If you can see yourself becoming a better person by developing a deep love relationship with someone, then I would highly recommend getting married

 

[Evexchange]

Thank you valleyGal had the same question but I understand now. Marriage is not all a bed of roses but it's worth it.

 

[Inkachu]

One thing singles seem to miss or forget... is that marriage is just like any other lifelong relationship, like with a parent or a child or a sibling. It's never going to be smooth sailing the whole time! You're going to argue, you're going to irritate each other, you're going to have times where you don't "feel" lovey dovey at all. But just like you don't walk away from your child or your other loved ones when the going gets tough, you don't walk away from your spouse just because the newlywed tingles are fading. And just like we seem able to find dignity and honor and beauty in sticking with our commitment to our relatives (like never giving up on a wayward child, or caring for a difficult, elderly parent), we need to keep that same "I'm going to stay here and love you no matter what! Period!" attitude with our marriages! God doesn't walk away from us or "divorce" us when we're rotten and horrible; if marriage is supposed to be a picture of our relationship with Him, how dare we do any less than He would do for us??

So, to answer the OP's question, YES, marriage can totally be worth it. BUT you have to understand that it's not going to be a cake-walk. It's going to be a lifelong learning process of giving, becoming selfless, being patient, getting your focus off yourself, and appreciating the beauty in allowing yourself to be broken for the chance to give all of yourself to another soul in God's name. You have to go into it with a "NO QUITTING" policy, from day one, and all the way through. Because, trust me, there WILL be days where your emotions want to quit! But if you hang in there, and refuse to give up, and lean on God for the strength, patience, and love to remain... it's the most beautiful thing ever <3

 

[Inkachu]

OP, I understand your "I'm not going to change for anyone" type of thinking. I'm the same way. I was like "this is me, take it or leave it", and my husband's the same way. And what happened was, we butted heads on a ton of things once we were married lol. But we just figured out what stuff didn't really matter, and what stuff we were willing to compromise on, and what stuff we're just plain not going to try and change about each other. I'm still me. I didn't change my identity. I just learned to be flexible on things I hadn't thought about before. And there are some things my husband doesn't get about me, that I won't change, cause it really is a "who I am" thing. Same goes for him, there are things about him that baffle me, but it's "who he is", so I accept it.

Ya know, compromise happens in all relationships, to one degree or another. I mean, a mother gives up just about everything she has for her child; does that mean the relationship isn't worth having? No way! Or even say, best friends, they have to learn compromise, too. If one person wants to go to this place, and the other wants to go to that place, and you just say "OK, that's cool, we'll go where you want tonight. Maybe we can go to my place another night". Compromise isn't shameful or weak; in fact, it's the opposite. It's a sign of maturity and strength. Of course, there's a line between compromise and just not being true to yourself; the latter is probably what you're more concerned about, and I agree with that, I don't change who I am for anyone!

But if you're truly just 100% not willing to change ANYTHING about yourself for the sake of another person.. then yeah, you should probably just stay single.

 

[Luther073082]

You need to be able to change small things about you (Mostly habits really) if you want to be successfully married.

However you should be able to marry someone who accepts you for who you are in terms of personality.

Your habits are not you and you are not your habits. But if you are dead set against changing any habits that you have, then you are better of being single.

 

[bhsmte]

Is marriage worth it?

It all depends on the character of the two people in the marriage.

 

[darktipper]

I know it is not a cakewalk but when I dated, I normally got cheated on and stuff so I bowed out from relationships...even from women who were interested in me.

 

[Inkachu]

Well, being cheated on is not a normal part of a healthy marriage lol. Compromise and being flexible, is

 

[Luther073082]

I know it is not a cakewalk but when I dated, I normally got cheated on and stuff so I bowed out from relationships...even from women who were interested in me.

Perhaps a better question would be to ask yourself what these women that cheated on you had in common.

I would argue that for people who have had a string of bad relationships like that, the main problem is how they are meeting and selecting people for relationships. Either that or a lack of confidence or backbone sometimes draws people who want to use them while at the same time turning off others who are less likely to cheat on someone but don't want to be in a relationship where they feel as though they are someone's father or mother.

Sure everyone could get bad luck now and then with one relationship or 2. But if something like that becomes a pattern in your dating history I would argue that you perhaps need to question your own preferences and choices.

From reading your posts I off the cuff don't think it has anything to do with confidence or backbone. So I don't think that you are necessarily drawing these people to you while turning off more normal women. But there is likely something that these women have in common that you could take note of. It's entirely possible that there may be something you are even somewhat attracted to that also correlates with cheating.

 

[darktipper]

what they had in common were that their fathers were absent and they went to church....
Recently, one woman said the confidence thing but I was not attracted to her at all. She struggled to make conversation. I had nothing in common with her. She just liked my looks.
The women I like get taken. I tend to get left with women that like me but I don't like them. I try to go after a few and ignored..... No luck lol. I can't win and I can't lose...

 

[ProudMomxmany]

Arguments in marriage can be traced to one root cause...selfishness. It's "I want my way and I'm not about to step down". Marriage is putting the other person's needs and wants ahead of your own. I know it's not popular in this day and age, but that's the "secret" of a good marriage. Unfortunately, most folks are just too darn selfish to do that.

 

[Luther073082]

what they had in common were that their fathers were absent and they went to church....
Recently, one woman said the confidence thing but I was not attracted to her at all. She struggled to make conversation. I had nothing in common with her. She just liked my looks.
The women I like get taken. I tend to get left with women that like me but I don't like them. I try to go after a few and ignored..... No luck lol. I can't win and I can't lose...

Patience, wait for someone you like to be available.

 

[darktipper]

Patience, wait for someone you like to be available.

I am thinking about bowing out.... It is a lose lose for me.

 

[Purge187]

I am thinking about bowing out.... It is a lose lose for me.

We all feel like that at one point or another.

Sometimes the best thing we can do is throw our hands up and say, "Come whatever may." I notice that I end up in some seriously tumultuous spiritual territory when I focus on my singleness rather than on God. That turmoil gives way whenever I turn my wants, choices, and yes, even my libido over to Him.

Ask Him to prepare you for a mate, and focus on Him in the meantime.

 

[darktipper]

We all feel like that at one point or another.

Sometimes the best thing we can do is throw our hands up and say, "Come whatever may." I notice that I end up in some seriously tumultuous spiritual territory when I focus on my singleness rather than on God. That turmoil gives way whenever I turn my wants, choices, and yes, even my libido over to Him.

Ask Him to prepare you for a mate, and focus on Him in the meantime.

God stopped listening to me a while ago....

 

[Purge187]

God stopped listening to me a while ago....

No He didn't.

 

[bluenovember]

Whether marriage is worth it depends on whether or not you want to have the companionship that comes with marriage, but also the sacrifices. There are things you have to change in order to have a successful marriage, but for many people, it's worth the struggle. For others, it's not. Only you know what's best for you.