Now, I know that God is merciful, but it's one thing to know it and it's another to *feel* it. I think most people who have religious OCD know what I mean. I was born and raised in a Christian home, I got saved when I was a kid, but then I fell away from the faith. It was a combination of OCD (which I didn't recognize as being OCD at the time), anxiety (which I also didn't recognize) and being super shy, which led to me never wanting to go to church or Sunday school. I felt I had to be perfect to be loved by God. I tried listening to God's will for my life, and tried feeling His presence, because in church I would hear people say 'I felt God' or 'and God told me'--so I assumed I was supposed to experience that, too. I was only a child, and I had, as I mentioned, OCD, anxiety, and probably depression and autism too, but I didn't *know* that. I thought I was the only one who struggled. I thought I was just an oddball.
Eventually I just sort of gave up. I didn't feel anything; I thought I wasn't doing Christianity correct. I believed that God existed, i believed I was a sinner, I believed that God sent Jesus to die on the cross to pay for the sins of mankind and that he rose again in 3 days, so I *believed*...I just--the OCD messed me up, I think. To be honest, it's hard for me to even remember a lot of my spirituality when I was a kid. I feel like I repressed it because it caused me so much anxiety and stress.
When I turned 18 and moved out of my parents' house, I stopped going to church. I went to a Christian college and was over-exposed. I didn't like it at all. Ironically, my time there was the only time I ever had any serious doubts about the existence of God and the validity of the Bible. Since then, I've kind of thought random things, but they've never *really* stuck--I think they're just the normal doubts that flit through peoples' minds.
About a month and a half ago, I saw this prediction about the blood moon. I haven't really been practicing my faith for seven years. When I saw that, my mind went to 'rapture', and I immediately became terrified. I started praying. Well, needless to say, my OCD grabbed hold of it, and it's been there ever since. With medication, it's gotten a bit better, but it's still there.
Blasphemous thoughts. Fears. Doubt. It's all there. I went to a Christian counselor and he asked me, what sort of blasphemous thoughts are you having? One of these was about the Holy Spirit, and I told the counselor what it was (cleaned it up a little, but it was still there), and now I'm still battling fear that I've committed the unforgivable sin, even though 99.9% of what I read tells me the only unforgivable sin is not accepting Jesus as Lord and the Savior of the world.
ANYWAY...it's really hard for me to feel like I love God right now, and I think that might be because I'm afraid of Him. Now, that's completely MY fault, not God's. God has given me a great family; He's given me a functioning body, an intelligent mind (my mental health issues are all of an emotional nature), a home, the opportunity to get on disability, a great best friend. I try to read the Bible sometimes, but it never fails that I stumble across a 'scary' verse and just panic. When I was a kid, I remember being so confused as to why God hardened Pharaoh's heart--I just didn't understand why God would do that. Only in the past few weeks have I learned that *Pharaoh* hardened his own heart and that God just sort of helped it along for the greater good of getting the Jews out of Egypt (I think I understand it correctly), but when I was a kid, I thought, God, why would you do that, isn't that mean? I'm even a bit afraid of Jesus because I read things like the unforgivable sin passages or passages where he gets frustrated with his disciples and I'm like, oh my gosh, if he got mad at *them*, I am toast.
So, back to my original question...God is understanding of mental illness, isn't he? He's understanding of those of us who suffer with religious OCD, who struggle to develop a deep connection, who struggle to trust because we have what is AKA 'the doubting disease', who fell away from practicing their faith because they just didn't 'get' it, because they were afraid, etc? I really hope He is. He made us; I know He knows we have OCD, but I really just hope He's merciful and takes that into account.
Eventually I just sort of gave up. I didn't feel anything; I thought I wasn't doing Christianity correct. I believed that God existed, i believed I was a sinner, I believed that God sent Jesus to die on the cross to pay for the sins of mankind and that he rose again in 3 days, so I *believed*...I just--the OCD messed me up, I think. To be honest, it's hard for me to even remember a lot of my spirituality when I was a kid. I feel like I repressed it because it caused me so much anxiety and stress.
When I turned 18 and moved out of my parents' house, I stopped going to church. I went to a Christian college and was over-exposed. I didn't like it at all. Ironically, my time there was the only time I ever had any serious doubts about the existence of God and the validity of the Bible. Since then, I've kind of thought random things, but they've never *really* stuck--I think they're just the normal doubts that flit through peoples' minds.
About a month and a half ago, I saw this prediction about the blood moon. I haven't really been practicing my faith for seven years. When I saw that, my mind went to 'rapture', and I immediately became terrified. I started praying. Well, needless to say, my OCD grabbed hold of it, and it's been there ever since. With medication, it's gotten a bit better, but it's still there.
Blasphemous thoughts. Fears. Doubt. It's all there. I went to a Christian counselor and he asked me, what sort of blasphemous thoughts are you having? One of these was about the Holy Spirit, and I told the counselor what it was (cleaned it up a little, but it was still there), and now I'm still battling fear that I've committed the unforgivable sin, even though 99.9% of what I read tells me the only unforgivable sin is not accepting Jesus as Lord and the Savior of the world.
ANYWAY...it's really hard for me to feel like I love God right now, and I think that might be because I'm afraid of Him. Now, that's completely MY fault, not God's. God has given me a great family; He's given me a functioning body, an intelligent mind (my mental health issues are all of an emotional nature), a home, the opportunity to get on disability, a great best friend. I try to read the Bible sometimes, but it never fails that I stumble across a 'scary' verse and just panic. When I was a kid, I remember being so confused as to why God hardened Pharaoh's heart--I just didn't understand why God would do that. Only in the past few weeks have I learned that *Pharaoh* hardened his own heart and that God just sort of helped it along for the greater good of getting the Jews out of Egypt (I think I understand it correctly), but when I was a kid, I thought, God, why would you do that, isn't that mean? I'm even a bit afraid of Jesus because I read things like the unforgivable sin passages or passages where he gets frustrated with his disciples and I'm like, oh my gosh, if he got mad at *them*, I am toast.
So, back to my original question...God is understanding of mental illness, isn't he? He's understanding of those of us who suffer with religious OCD, who struggle to develop a deep connection, who struggle to trust because we have what is AKA 'the doubting disease', who fell away from practicing their faith because they just didn't 'get' it, because they were afraid, etc? I really hope He is. He made us; I know He knows we have OCD, but I really just hope He's merciful and takes that into account.
