Intimacy

[jsrdrnr]

I wanted to discuss something but think it may need to go in the women's only but I cannot find it. However, at the same time, I would like male viewpoints if appropriate. Can I post here or tell me where instead. Thanks!

 

[ValleyGal]

I think it would depend on the nature of the question (graphic sex talk and the subject of "submission" can't be discussed here). You could ask your question here, and if the mods think it should be moved, they will move it. Women's-only forums can be accessed by requesting permissions for them. Once permission is granted, it will appear in your topic list.

 

[jsrdrnr]

My husband and I have a pretty good marriage. I am definitely content. The thing is that he hates to talk and he hates sex. Now, quality time and physical touch are my two primary love languages. He does so many wonderful things for me daily, but I still feel as if I am neglected. This is not all the time or every day, but when the feelings come up, they are strong. There are other ways to meet these needs of mine (other than sex) but he "just does not think about it." He says he is fulfilled and that there is not anything more I can do for him. How do I reconcile this within myself. I pray and pray and I reframe the feelings but I cannot seem to shake the fact that I got a bum deal here and he will not acknowledge it. I don't want to get out of it, but I would like some understanding. Hope I make sense.

 

[RedPonyDriver]

First of all I think the "love language" thing is bunk. Second...if you knew this going into the marriage then maybe you thought you could change him. Did you two go through any pre-marital classes or counseling? Last but not least, have you talked to him about it and maybe suggested seeing a counselor?
There's more to marriage than "love languages"

 

[akmom]

That's a tough one. Have you told your husband how you feel? Part of being thoughtful is considering what your spouse actually wants. You don't go all out making a fancy cake if they really always want pie. But some of that is a learning curve. My husband used to surprise me with gifts a lot. I'm a bit of a minimalist, so even though I appreciated the gesture, I really preferred that he didn't. I expressed this as politely as possible, which he interpreted as the cliché "Ah you shouldn't have," so he kept doing it! It was actually a discussion about the Love Languages that caused him to realize it. Now he doesn't even do Christmas presents for me, and I'm totally fine with that. We have an understanding. We also have some overlap in the love languages, so it's a little easier.

What is your husband's love language? How do you accommodate it?

 

[johndoo]

Part of the issue may be selfishness.
If you consistently tell your spouse that your needs are not met and they don't try to change behavior, suspect selfishness.
You can talk to friends, family and other social outlets.
It is the sexual issues that are difficult.
You can get massages to help meet physical touch needs.
You can go to marriage counseling to try to help convey the seriousness of the issue.

 

[heliumskylark]

Does your husband really "hate to talk", or are there just certain aspects of conversation that he doesn't like? I ask because I thought the same about my husband, but in reality he just hates inane small talk, and he finds conversations where he doesn't have time to consider his responses stressful, and he doesn't like talking about controversial topics at the end of the day when he's tired. Basically he's an introvert Once we had figured that out I was able to try and initiate more conversations about things that were interesting to him (less "Did you hear so-and-so is moving house?" and more "I read about this interesting idea - what do you think about it?") and be more considerate about the timing and pace of our conversations. Our house is still quieter than it would be if there were two of me living there (perish the thought!), but we talk more now than when we were first married and, more importantly, we both enjoy (most of!) our conversations. He was also more willing to at least listen to some of my inane small talk once he realised that it was important to me to share my day with him, and that he didn't have to do the same in return.
If that's the case with your husband, might it also be true that something similar is going on with sex? Does he really just flat out hate sex, or are there certain acts he doesn't like, does he feel self-conscious about his body, is he grossed out by the messiness...?
How long have you guys been married?

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

Well pressure can make people defensive after awhile. With that said does he work? I know my wife works and its hard on her body. So often she just isn't in the mood for intimacy. She wants it of course, but shes tired, in pain...etc. Sometimes we have to accept that someone whos working may not always be in the mood for intimacy. Though we also have to remember sex is important in marriage and we can't always make an excuse and brush it off.

Here are two good articles:
http://asawakoya.weebly.com/asawa-ko-ay-blog/intimacy-part-3-sexualityselfish-husband-selfish-wife
http://asawakoya.weebly.com/asawa-ko-ay-blog/intimacy-part-4-non-sexual-touching

For some reason there is not part 1 or 2. But they are both by a christian. Hopefully they will help out!

 

[farout]

First of all I think the "love language" thing is bunk. Second...if you knew this going into the marriage then maybe you thought you could change him. Did you two go through any pre-marital classes or counseling? Last but not least, have you talked to him about it and maybe suggested seeing a counselor?
There's more to marriage than "love languages"

Well maybe for you they are bunk. But after 46 years I think I found a better wat to show my love for my wife. So what works for me might work for you. Right?

 

[royal priest]

He says he is fulfilled and that there is not anything more I can do for him. How do I reconcile this within myself.

He needs to understand that this is about your needs. One of his primary duties as your husband is to fulfill your needs.
Share some Scripture with him and pray that God will enable him to lovingly fulfill his role in these areas.

Intimacy is the goal and purpose of marriage; physical intimacy being just as important as spiritual intimacy.
1 Corinthians 7:2-5,
"Because of immoralities, each man is to have his own wife, and each woman is to have her own husband. The husband must fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control."

The goal of marriage, including its physical intimacy, is primarily to be a striking, and mysterious likeness of Christ's relationship to the church.
Ephesians 5:22-32,
"Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything.
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless. So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, because we are members of His body. For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and shall be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. This mystery is great; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church."

I heartily recommend a book for you and your husband to read together. The author writes from the vantage point of a man, and in many ways, addresses male readers. This book has the potential to profoundly impact your understanding of physical intimacy in a Christian marriage. Here is a link to the book:

 

[Brianlear]

How does a man "hate sex"? You gave no explanation for that statement at all. No one "hates sex". Some people are not as sexual as others, but I can't think of a single person I've ever met that hated sex. Just saying.

 

[Dave-W]

No one "hates sex". Some people are not as sexual as others, but I can't think of a single person I've ever met that hated sex. Just saying.

Have you ever read what the early church fathers said about sex?

God only allows married sex to create more virgins for the church
God so hates married sex that the Holy Spirit has to vacate the building when it happens

 

[Murby]

Wow.. all the biblical quotes are giving me a headache. Just stop it. She's looking for advice to better her relationship with her husband.. quoting bible passages isn't going to help.

Here's my advice.
Use google and make a list of all the things that could cause your husband to lose interest. Read, then read some more.
Once you have "expert-ized" yourself, go and communicate with him some more if the reason(s) have not become self evident from your research.

Here are a few things that could cause a man to lose interest.. in no particular order or probability.

1. Medical Problem.. Impotence and the inability to get an erection is more common than most believe. Its also an embarrassing thing for a man.

2. Cheating...

3. A problem with you.. If you smell or have bad breath or something like that.

4. Porn... While there's nothing fundamentally wrong with it, too much can desensitize a person or create unrealistic expectations.

5. Depression (but that kind of falls under medical problem)

These are just what I can think off this minute. Get on google and do a quick search.. I'd bet odds are, the information you find will help diagnose the problem. Beyond that, a doctor of one type or another may be required to get a diagnosis.

 

[sdmsanjose]

By Murby

Wow.. all the biblical quotes are giving me a headache. Just stop it. She's looking for advice to better her relationship with her husband.. quoting bible passages isn't going to help.

Have you read the title of this web site? Christian Forums indicates that Christian information is allowed. Who are you to tell the poster to stop quoting biblical scripture? Furthermore, how is that you are so enlightened that you know that biblical passages will not help a Christian?

You knock the biblical scriptures but tell the poster to use Google. Google is a useful tool but so is the Bible for Christians.

 

[Murby]

Have you read the title of this web site? Christian Forums indicates that Christian information is allowed. Who are you to tell the poster to stop quoting biblical scripture? Furthermore, how is that you are so enlightened that you know that biblical passages will not help a Christian?

You knock the biblical scriptures but tell the poster to use Google. Google is a useful tool but so is the Bible for Christians.

Your time would be much better spent doing your best to help the original poster. Perhaps you could offer something that hasn't already been said? Please focus your attention there rather than your distaste for my flavor of help.

 

[sdmsanjose]

1. sdmsanjose said: ↑

Have you read the title of this web site? Christian Forums indicates that Christian information is allowed. Who are you to tell the poster to stop quoting biblical scripture? Furthermore, how is that you are so enlightened that you know that biblical passages will not help a Christian?

You knock the biblical scriptures but tell the poster to use Google. Google is a useful tool but so is the Bible for Christians.


By Murby

Your time would be much better spent doing your best to help the original poster. Perhaps you could offer something that hasn't already been said? Please focus your attention there rather than your distaste for my flavor of help.


To jsrdrnr
See if you can get your husband to go to a Christian men’s group that talks about marriage. Maybe a third party will be able to get him to realize how important it is for him to show you his love in the ways that you need.


To Murby
Apparently you do not like to be challenged even though you did not hesitate to challenge the poster that posted scriptures. I notice that you avoided answering my questions. Is there a reason that you choose to not answer?

 

[johndoo]

Sex aversion is essentially the hatred of sex. It can exist in men and women. Treatment is hard to come by and not very successful.