I'm afraid my wife cheated on me; I need guidance

[adam sdn]

Hello everybody,

I’m in a bit of a marriage crisis. I’m afraid that my wife may have cheated on me while she was taking a vacation with her sister to Europe a few months ago. We’ve been married for about 5 years and dated for about three years before that. I need to give some background (see below) for this to make sense.


Here’s the story;

A couple of nights ago I was trying out my wife’s ipad pro (I’m thinking about buying one). I was fooling around on a drawing app on the ipad, and as I went to delete several of the pictures I drew, I noticed three rather flirtatious photos/videos of another man. Two photos were selfies of this guy trying to strike a ‘sexy’ sort of pose (clothing on-nothing horribly scandalous). there was also a video selfie of him at a new year’s party. The last photo was a screenshot of a text with a “winking” emoji face sent by her to him. That’s the only part of the correspondence I could see in the screenshot.

I found the pictures to be quite out of the ordinary, so I confronted my wife about them. Upon me turning the ipad around and showing her one of the pictures, she instantly became nervous and fidgety. She responded by saying “oh…that’s just a friend of mine that I don’t talk to anymore.” After further pressing her, she stated that she met him in Europe where my wife and her sister were vacationing. She said that he was a random guy at a bar and didn’t know him and barely knew his name. I then showed her the screenshot of her winking emoji to him (his name was loaded into her contacts). She then admitted that he kissed her while they were at the bar.

My Wife’s story was that they were sitting at a table next to him (he was with a group of guys) and approached my wife and her sister and basically started flirting. Throughout that night they kept talking and at some point, this guy kissed her. She says she pushed him away. This happened around September. She says that after the kissing encounter she had no contact with him and the only reason his contact was in her phone was because this guy flirtatiously took the phone from her and entered his contact info. She says that the guy randomly sent her the flirtatious photos this past new year’s eve completely out of the blue. She says she saw the pictures, panicked and deleted them. She has no idea why he texted her, since their meeting was so fleeting. She says he texted her twice once during the night that the kiss occured and once on new years eve.

My problem – I question this story and its eating me up inside.

1. It seems implausible that a random drunk guy that met my wife in a bar for a couple of hours for one night would randomly send photos and a video out of the blue. I feel like there's more to this story.

2. The pictures and video seemed intimate and are indicative of something more than a random guy that drunkenly flirted with my wife. This is my gut speaking.

3. Most guys don’t just randomly kiss someone they’re talking to. There’s usually a lead-up. But then again, there was alcohol involved, and my wife said she was drunk.

4. She initially lied about the nature of her contact with him. At first, she said she didn’t really know who he was, then she admitted that he tried to kiss her. Also, his contact information was loaded into her phone.

5. Why would she send a winking emoji face? When I confronted her about this she said she didn’t know why she sent the emoji, and that it was really stupid of her to do so. She captured the screenshot because she was in disbelief that he texted her. She says she sent the screenshot to her sister.

6. Her story seems to change every time I ask her to explain smaller details. I'm not sure if this is because she's unclear about the event itself or if she's trying to maneuver through her possible dishonesty.

7. She lied/was inaccurate about when certain photos were deleted. She stated she received all the photos on new years eve. However, her deleted items folder (where I found the photos initially) indicates that one photo-the screenshot was deleted two weeks before that. This indicates that there may have been further contact with him throughout the past four months.

8. After I asked to view her texts to ensure there was no other evidence, she refused. This makes it seem like she’s hiding something. she claimed that she didn't want me to see some text between her and her sister because they were personal

9. After I confronted her, she immediately deleted the photos from her phone – this seems guilty.

10. I found a text correspondence between her and her sister talking about this guy. It said something like, “don’t judge me for asking this, but what rank was [guy’s name] (Apparently he was in the military). Her sister responded by saying “no judgment here ever – he didn’t mention his rank”; by mentioning “judgment” it seems like both knew that immoral things may have occurred.

My wife is adamant that there was nothing between them and categorically denies kissing him back. She also recognized that deleting the photos and not initially being truthful was a betrayal of my trust. She’s been very apologetic and is trying to show her love for me. I truly want to believe her because I love her so much, and we had a great relationship before. However, I can’t seem to get past this, primarily because of her initial dishonesty and the above discrepancies in her story. My heart is telling me that she may be telling the truth (before this I never would have suspected her of cheating), but the evidence makes me doubt her story. If my wife is telling the truth the situation isn’t nearly as bad. This is the difference between infidelity and her just putting herself in a relatively compromising environment.

How do I navigate this? Should I try to forgive her? Because of my technical background, I have the ability to restore deleted texts. I was thinking about insisting that she allow me to restore any deleted texts and gauge her response. A downright refusal to allow me to restore texts between her and this guy would certainly indicate guilt, or at least that she's hiding things. I’m considering asking her to go to marriage counseling to work this out as well. the thought of divorce makes me sick to my stomach.

I need perspective and clarity here. please help!

 

[(° ͡ ͜ ͡ʖ ͡ °) (ᵔᴥᵔʋ)]

The initial impression that I have is that it was a crazy night at a club. I really don't think we can jump to sexual intercourse. However, her actions and dishonesty have sown the seeds of doubt in your marriage. You are not wrong for feeling the way you do. It is okay for you to feel hurt and betrayed by the one you love. You are not wrong and your shouldn't feel guilty about it. In this situation, she didn't have to have sex with the person for it to have been wrong. There is absolutely no excuse for a married woman to have done the things she has already confessed to.

Now, the ball is in your court and you have two options. You can either forgive her or not. If you forgive her, you must truly forgive her. Meaning that you will not bring it up. You will not go digging through her phone, and you will not hold it over her head. I understand that damage has been done and it will take time for your relationship to heal. If you choose to forgive her, that is great! I am praying for that.

However, clear boundaries must be established for a healthy relationship. One of those boundaries is trust. My wife and I have fidelity as a firm boundary that has no compromise attached. We both swore to each other that we would be faithful until death on our wedding. Thus, we both understand that if either one of us violates that covenantal vow, the other will leave....period. I know for a fact that if I cheated on my wife, she is gone and there is absolutely nothing that will stop her. This is in no way should be considered a threat, coercion, or "the demands of a controlling husband". It is simply a boundary that you both agree on with an understanding that if one chooses to violate that boundary they are also choosing the resulting consequence. If she chooses to cheat on you, she chose to throw your marriage away and the only person to blame is herself.

Now, if you cannot forgive her.....well lets just say I have never seen a marriage last very long under those situations.

 

[SkyWriting]

Hello everybody,

I’m in a bit of a marriage crisis. I’m afraid that my wife may have cheated on me while she was taking a vacation with her sister to Europe a few months ago. We’ve been married for about 5 years and dated for about three years before that. I need to give some background (see below) for this to make sense.


Here’s the story;

A couple of nights ago I was trying out my wife’s ipad pro (I’m thinking about buying one). I was fooling around on a drawing app on the ipad, and as I went to delete several of the pictures I drew, I noticed three rather flirtatious photos/videos of another man. Two photos were selfies of this guy trying to strike a ‘sexy’ sort of pose (clothing on-nothing horribly scandalous). there was also a video selfie of him at a new year’s party. The last photo was a screenshot of a text with a “winking” emoji face sent by her to him. That’s the only part of the correspondence I could see in the screenshot.

I found the pictures to be quite out of the ordinary, so I confronted my wife about them. Upon me turning the ipad around and showing her one of the pictures, she instantly became nervous and fidgety. She responded by saying “oh…that’s just a friend of mine that I don’t talk to anymore.” After further pressing her, she stated that she met him in Europe where my wife and her sister were vacationing. She said that he was a random guy at a bar and didn’t know him and barely knew his name. I then showed her the screenshot of her winking emoji to him (his name was loaded into her contacts). She then admitted that he kissed her while they were at the bar.

My Wife’s story was that they were sitting at a table next to him (he was with a group of guys) and approached my wife and her sister and basically started flirting. Throughout that night they kept talking and at some point, this guy kissed her. She says she pushed him away. This happened around September. She says that after the kissing encounter she had no contact with him and the only reason his contact was in her phone was because this guy flirtatiously took the phone from her and entered his contact info. She says that the guy randomly sent her the flirtatious photos this past new year’s eve completely out of the blue. She says she saw the pictures, panicked and deleted them. She has no idea why he texted her, since their meeting was so fleeting. She says he texted her twice once during the night that the kiss occured and once on new years eve.

My problem – I question this story and its eating me up inside.

1. It seems implausible that a random drunk guy that met my wife in a bar for a couple of hours for one night would randomly send photos and a video out of the blue. I feel like there's more to this story.

2. The pictures and video seemed intimate and are indicative of something more than a random guy that drunkenly flirted with my wife. This is my gut speaking.

3. Most guys don’t just randomly kiss someone they’re talking to. There’s usually a lead-up. But then again, there was alcohol involved, and my wife said she was drunk.

4. She initially lied about the nature of her contact with him. At first, she said she didn’t really know who he was, then she admitted that he tried to kiss her. Also, his contact information was loaded into her phone.

5. Why would she send a winking emoji face? When I confronted her about this she said she didn’t know why she sent the emoji, and that it was really stupid of her to do so. She captured the screenshot because she was in disbelief that he texted her. She says she sent the screenshot to her sister.

6. Her story seems to change every time I ask her to explain smaller details. I'm not sure if this is because she's unclear about the event itself or if she's trying to maneuver through her possible dishonesty.

7. She lied/was inaccurate about when certain photos were deleted. She stated she received all the photos on new years eve. However, her deleted items folder (where I found the photos initially) indicates that one photo-the screenshot was deleted two weeks before that. This indicates that there may have been further contact with him throughout the past four months.

8. After I asked to view her texts to ensure there was no other evidence, she refused. This makes it seem like she’s hiding something. she claimed that she didn't want me to see some text between her and her sister because they were personal

9. After I confronted her, she immediately deleted the photos from her phone – this seems guilty.

10. I found a text correspondence between her and her sister talking about this guy. It said something like, “don’t judge me for asking this, but what rank was [guy’s name] (Apparently he was in the military). Her sister responded by saying “no judgment here ever – he didn’t mention his rank”; by mentioning “judgment” it seems like both knew that immoral things may have occurred.

My wife is adamant that there was nothing between them and categorically denies kissing him back. She also recognized that deleting the photos and not initially being truthful was a betrayal of my trust. She’s been very apologetic and is trying to show her love for me. I truly want to believe her because I love her so much, and we had a great relationship before. However, I can’t seem to get past this, primarily because of her initial dishonesty and the above discrepancies in her story. My heart is telling me that she may be telling the truth (before this I never would have suspected her of cheating), but the evidence makes me doubt her story. If my wife is telling the truth the situation isn’t nearly as bad. This is the difference between infidelity and her just putting herself in a relatively compromising environment.

How do I navigate this? Should I try to forgive her? Because of my technical background, I have the ability to restore deleted texts. I was thinking about insisting that she allow me to restore any deleted texts and gauge her response. A downright refusal to allow me to restore texts between her and this guy would certainly indicate guilt, or at least that she's hiding things. I’m considering asking her to go to marriage counseling to work this out as well. the thought of divorce makes me sick to my stomach.

I need perspective and clarity here. please help!

Your wife is seeking a loving and supportive person
who accepts her as she is now. Do you plan to be
that kind of person? Becasue that is what she needs.

You should look her in the eyes and love every word she says to you.
You can fix this in minutes by doing this.

 

[dysert]

Given that you love your wife a lot and that the thought of divorce makes you sick, you can choose to believe her. Nothing says that you *have* to divorce her - even if she was unfaithful. So choose to believe her and move on as if the incident never occurred. I realize that by doing so you run the risk of looking like a fool in her eyes, but isn't that risk worth it? After all, if this guy pops up later on, you can always re-evaluate then, but for now just accept her word for things and enjoy your life.

 

[Seadish]

It's definitely a personal decision to choose to "get over it" Ive been there For me it was the denial that anything happened that I couldn't be ok with. It made me miserable which made my exhusband miserable. I personally although mine was not a good marriage or even a good friendship wish I would have prayed more for me to be a stronger woman of God and held on to my faith more divorce is awful and I'm so very sorry for you life does go on though if that's the path you choose , Just always that regret- it's a hard call, I totally recommend therapy but both of you have to want . Talk to God.

The initial impression that I have is that it was a crazy night at a club. I really don't think we can jump to sexual intercourse. However, her actions and dishonesty have sown the seeds of doubt in your marriage. You are not wrong for feeling the way you do. It is okay for you to feel hurt and betrayed by the one you love. You are not wrong and your shouldn't feel guilty about it. In this situation, she didn't have to have sex with the person for it to have been wrong. There is absolutely no excuse for a married woman to have done the things she has already confessed to.

Now, the ball is in your court and you have two options. You can either forgive her or not. If you forgive her, you must truly forgive her. Meaning that you will not bring it up. You will not go digging through her phone, and you will not hold it over her head. I understand that damage has been done and it will take time for your relationship to heal. If you choose to forgive her, that is great! I am praying for that.

However, clear boundaries must be established for a healthy relationship. One of those boundaries is trust. My wife and I have fidelity as a firm boundary that has no compromise attached. We both swore to each other that we would be faithful until death on our wedding. Thus, we both understand that if either one of us violates that covenantal vow, the other will leave....period. I know for a fact that if I cheated on my wife, she is gone and there is absolutely nothing that will stop her. This is in no way should be considered a threat, coercion, or "the demands of a controlling husband". It is simply a boundary that you both agree on with an understanding that if one chooses to violate that boundary they are also choosing the resulting consequence. If she chooses to cheat on you, she chose to throw your marriage away and the only person to blame is herself.

Now, if you cannot forgive her.....well lets just say I have never seen a marriage last very long under those situations.

 

[Seadish]

It's definitely a personal decision to choose to "get over it" Ive been there For me it was the denial that anything happened that I couldn't be ok with. It made me miserable which made my exhusband miserable. I personally although mine was not a good marriage or even a good friendship wish I would have prayed more for me to be a stronger woman of God and held on to my faith more divorce is awful and I'm so very sorry for you life does go on though if that's the path you choose , Just always that regret- it's a hard call, I totally recommend therapy but both of you have to want . Talk to God.

Most perfect answer totally agree

 

[A_Thinker]

Hello everybody,

I’m in a bit of a marriage crisis. I’m afraid that my wife may have cheated on me while she was taking a vacation with her sister to Europe a few months ago. We’ve been married for about 5 years and dated for about three years before that. I need to give some background (see below) for this to make sense.


Here’s the story;

A couple of nights ago I was trying out my wife’s ipad pro (I’m thinking about buying one). I was fooling around on a drawing app on the ipad, and as I went to delete several of the pictures I drew, I noticed three rather flirtatious photos/videos of another man. Two photos were selfies of this guy trying to strike a ‘sexy’ sort of pose (clothing on-nothing horribly scandalous). there was also a video selfie of him at a new year’s party. The last photo was a screenshot of a text with a “winking” emoji face sent by her to him. That’s the only part of the correspondence I could see in the screenshot.

I found the pictures to be quite out of the ordinary, so I confronted my wife about them. Upon me turning the ipad around and showing her one of the pictures, she instantly became nervous and fidgety. She responded by saying “oh…that’s just a friend of mine that I don’t talk to anymore.” After further pressing her, she stated that she met him in Europe where my wife and her sister were vacationing. She said that he was a random guy at a bar and didn’t know him and barely knew his name. I then showed her the screenshot of her winking emoji to him (his name was loaded into her contacts). She then admitted that he kissed her while they were at the bar.

My Wife’s story was that they were sitting at a table next to him (he was with a group of guys) and approached my wife and her sister and basically started flirting. Throughout that night they kept talking and at some point, this guy kissed her. She says she pushed him away. This happened around September. She says that after the kissing encounter she had no contact with him and the only reason his contact was in her phone was because this guy flirtatiously took the phone from her and entered his contact info. She says that the guy randomly sent her the flirtatious photos this past new year’s eve completely out of the blue. She says she saw the pictures, panicked and deleted them. She has no idea why he texted her, since their meeting was so fleeting. She says he texted her twice once during the night that the kiss occured and once on new years eve.

My problem – I question this story and its eating me up inside.

1. It seems implausible that a random drunk guy that met my wife in a bar for a couple of hours for one night would randomly send photos and a video out of the blue. I feel like there's more to this story.

2. The pictures and video seemed intimate and are indicative of something more than a random guy that drunkenly flirted with my wife. This is my gut speaking.

3. Most guys don’t just randomly kiss someone they’re talking to. There’s usually a lead-up. But then again, there was alcohol involved, and my wife said she was drunk.

4. She initially lied about the nature of her contact with him. At first, she said she didn’t really know who he was, then she admitted that he tried to kiss her. Also, his contact information was loaded into her phone.

5. Why would she send a winking emoji face? When I confronted her about this she said she didn’t know why she sent the emoji, and that it was really stupid of her to do so. She captured the screenshot because she was in disbelief that he texted her. She says she sent the screenshot to her sister.

6. Her story seems to change every time I ask her to explain smaller details. I'm not sure if this is because she's unclear about the event itself or if she's trying to maneuver through her possible dishonesty.

7. She lied/was inaccurate about when certain photos were deleted. She stated she received all the photos on new years eve. However, her deleted items folder (where I found the photos initially) indicates that one photo-the screenshot was deleted two weeks before that. This indicates that there may have been further contact with him throughout the past four months.

8. After I asked to view her texts to ensure there was no other evidence, she refused. This makes it seem like she’s hiding something. she claimed that she didn't want me to see some text between her and her sister because they were personal

9. After I confronted her, she immediately deleted the photos from her phone – this seems guilty.

10. I found a text correspondence between her and her sister talking about this guy. It said something like, “don’t judge me for asking this, but what rank was [guy’s name] (Apparently he was in the military). Her sister responded by saying “no judgment here ever – he didn’t mention his rank”; by mentioning “judgment” it seems like both knew that immoral things may have occurred.

My wife is adamant that there was nothing between them and categorically denies kissing him back. She also recognized that deleting the photos and not initially being truthful was a betrayal of my trust. She’s been very apologetic and is trying to show her love for me. I truly want to believe her because I love her so much, and we had a great relationship before. However, I can’t seem to get past this, primarily because of her initial dishonesty and the above discrepancies in her story. My heart is telling me that she may be telling the truth (before this I never would have suspected her of cheating), but the evidence makes me doubt her story. If my wife is telling the truth the situation isn’t nearly as bad. This is the difference between infidelity and her just putting herself in a relatively compromising environment.

How do I navigate this? Should I try to forgive her? Because of my technical background, I have the ability to restore deleted texts. I was thinking about insisting that she allow me to restore any deleted texts and gauge her response. A downright refusal to allow me to restore texts between her and this guy would certainly indicate guilt, or at least that she's hiding things. I’m considering asking her to go to marriage counseling to work this out as well. the thought of divorce makes me sick to my stomach.

I need perspective and clarity here. please help!

A few things jump out at me here ...

1. Why is your wife vacationing ... without you ?
2. Your wife's revelations seem believable ... given the circumstances.
3. The other guy's actions seem believable ... for some guys.
4. The other guy is in Europe ?
5. You love your wife.
6. Your wife is trying to show that she loves you.

I think that I would forgive my wife's momentary indiscretion, restore the relationship, ... and seek to never allow my wife to find herself in a similar situation (i.e. on vacation, having fun, drinking, etc.) ... while you're not around. That just sets her up to possibly enjoy the attentions of an admirer.

 

[Cj5656]

Have a similar, but much worse situation...do you mind me asking how it’s been since this post? Whatever happened?

 

[JohnD70X7]

My problem – I question this story and its eating me up inside.

Cutting right to the chase...

THIS is the problem. No matter what this is eating at you. It allows you no options until you deal with it.

1. Option: blow it all off and let go of it forever
2. Option: confront your wife with your suspicions
3. Option: put your wife on notice that you are leaving because...

These options would allow you to resolve the infidelity (if there was any) ← which is a resolution if it never even happened... and get on with your life.

I know a chap whose wife left him for 1 month. He was out of his mind and wanted her back more than he wanted to live. She came back, and a month or so later they started showing signs of herpes which they have had ever since. I know this guy well. He was a faithful husband and was too heartbroken to even think about looking at another woman. We were Navy buddies, and he would ready spiritual literature and ride a bicycle around base after ships work hours rather than go out with his buddies.

His wife made every excuse, catching it from work out gym hot tub or from a toilet on the bus she rode back to her husband... deep inside he subconsciously knew. One day he called me (20 years later) that he'd finally faced it. Over the years he'd been womanizing but never cheating. He said he realized he never trusted his wife since that month she left and it manifested in his keeping his options open with other females in case she ever left him again and / or cheated on him again.

Point being it took him 20 years to face what had happened. When he finally did his wife threw all the womanizing up in his face and he could finally give her the reason why. Though she never admitted to the infidelity, she'd long since become the dedicated wife. But then she feared it all coming apart because everything in my friend's thoughts were dump her...

I strenuously encouraged him to reconsider, but it was as if she'd just committed they offense like a light switch turn on in him. He was about to go when all hell broke out at his job and he was falsely accused of sexual harassment. We were coworkers also. And I warned him for years not to laugh at the sexual jokes, or tell them... or go along with a very promiscuous office of workers (that he would be lumped in with them)... and that's what happened.

We tried unsuccessfully to hold Bible studies in the parking lot on a picnic table at that office for months. No one came. So we ended that. He mistakenly believed that if you did not do what they did (drinking, drugs, fornicating) that he could otherwise go along with them (jokes etc. / acting secular that sort of thing) that he could give them a better witness (from one who did not appear to be a Bible thumper / sanctimonious... But I told him to be careful that he'd be identified as one of them if something went sidewards. It did and he was falsely accused and nearly lost everything.

His wife stayed by his side through it all.

They were closer than ever before. She had heart issues for over a decade where they cannot have sexual relations. But my friend determined it was better to be with her without sexual relations than sexual relations that could've killed her. He admitted to watching soft core porn and masturbating, but was otherwise the model faithful husband and felt very blessed.

The gist is, even if your wife cheated, once you face it / confront her, you can get past it. It won't be easy. She may even be overly suspicious that you are trying to even the score. But infidelity, adultery, cheating is a very nasty betrayal that destroys and even while mending there can be mine fields along the way.

Or, you can leave.

In either case, you will get on with your life.

My friend, now long gone, said until he faced what had happened 20 years after the fact, it was as though his life was on hold. He gives credit to the Lord about his nearly losing everything to keep him with his wide when he as seriously going to leave her... for which he was totally thankful. Her adultery was a betrayal to him, but she was angry at God at the time and it was aimed at him.

Additional Life Lesson (no charge):

Life is filled with people hurting you who are actually mad at God. It totally sucks being in that predicament. But when you release it to God, he not only deals with the people who hurt you, abuse you, steal from you etc. etc. etc. He blesses you.

You can try to deal with those people in your anger, rage, bitterness... and God will step out of your way. Nothing ever comes of it other than you get worse and worse and worse... but if you step out of God's way... he will deliver you, bless you, and let those people have it! ← often times they repent and become brothers or sister in Christ. And with your new heart on the matter, you rejoice.

Get even, eye for eye, tooth for tooth... that's only sinful human nature.

Hope this helps. My friend would have wanted me to share his story with you.