- Jul 5, 2021
- 28
- 29
- 43
- Country
- United States
- Faith
- Christian
- Marital Status
- Separated
Hi everyone. The story like many others is long, complicated, and messy. Grab a drink haha.
Here we go:
In July/August 2019 I began to slip in my family. My PTSD caused me to shut my wife out some. When she asked what was wrong I did not respond. In time I wrote her a letter stating everything that I was upset about with her. Let me be clear: I was wrong! My issues had nothing to do with her but my response was exacerbated due to my internal problems.
In December of 2019, she said it was not working for her and we needed to separate. So I left. I ended up staying with an old shipmate of mine who had been through a rough divorce and set me up until I got stuff straight. Key point is that this was a female.
I did not think much of it but my wife that I was separated from did not like it. Understandably so.
Not long after, I was asking to come home. She ignored my requests, but I was able to come back home to be with the kids.
I had been going 3-4 times a week to be there with everyone and to cover down when she was in school.
At one point in late 2020, she changed course and wanted to go to counseling. She had asked me to come back for practical reasons before that but I had ignored those requests like she had ignored mine. That was wrong of me. I regret not saying yes.
We went to counseling but it was not good counseling. We both agreed he was not really good for us. But we were trying to make it work. Then without warning, the place shut down and dispersed all the therapists.
She says she wanted to do the exercises in the book that was given to us, but I do not remember that happening. Perhaps I was too into my own issues to have heard her. She took it as blowing her off.
That was earlier this year in 2021. Now we get to the hard stuff.
In May of this year, I hit a really hard depression. I became suicidal, wanted my family back so badly for support but didn't think it was possible, and thought the only way to stop the pain was to end my life. I wrote my suicide note and was planning it out. Getting ready to find relief, it scared me so bad. Something in me clicked in me (God's influence) and I reversed hard and fast. I ended up getting the message that if I was ready to die for my family, then I had better be willing to live for them too. So I did. I started to try. I began coming to the house more. Helping more. I no longer stuck my face in my laptop until it was late then called it a night and left. I was present and doing better. I thought I saw signs of potential as well. So after a little bit, I asked her out on a date. She said no. We'd talk about houses and it sounded like I was included in the upcoming house buying and move. Then when I'd talk about doing things together she would seem to shut down and not look at me.
It all culminated in me sending her a couple therapy letters that expressed my desire to reconcile, to go to counseling, and to restore the marriage.
Three weeks later, in an email (she prefers email to talk about difficult things) she told me that it was over. That a part of her would love me because we have four kids together, but that she could not be in love with me again. That she noticed the effort but it was too little too late. She said there was not enough counseling in the world and there was too much hurt after being apart for 18 months to get over. She fast-tracked to put get a separation agreement together with a lawyer and to call the realtor to sell the house. She wanted both of us to live in separate houses in the same area.
I panicked emailed her three times that day. The next day she emailed back saying I am not listening. That she's started to move on and she needs me to do the same.
I then dug in and leaned on God harder. I called an age-old friend I had not really talked with much despite him constantly reaching out to me. He happens to know my wife and me since before she and I were married. I've known him since I was 6.
He ended up getting saved because he went to church with my wife and I about 17 years ago. Now he has a master's in theology. He prayed with me and has been there counseling me.
I ended up telling my wife that I did not want a divorce. That we are only separated but not divorced, and that I am to love my wife no matter what...so that is what I was going to do. I asked her to consider counseling and to consider letting me come home to maximize my time with the kids.
The next day, I wanted to answer a question she had: Why now?
I admitted, even though I didn't want to, that I had written my suicide note and almost went through with it. But that God snapped me back and impressed on me that message I shared earlier, that if I was willing to die for them, then I better be willing to live for them.
That night, she text me as I left the house asking what it would look like if I came home in a practical sense. I answered with a thought-out list.
Then she asked if I did not, where would I live, how would it change the list, and what my telework schedule looked like. I answered her in person this time.
Two days later she seemed off. I was on the phone with my friend on my way back from my house to the temp place I have stayed at for the majority of the 18 months. I told him I thought I saw an email she clicked out of on her laptop and by how she was acting all day, I was afraid it was for me. I was right. I pulled over to read the email that popped in on the drive while I was talking to him and read it.
In short, she had said yes to me coming back for practical reasons only, and she had not changed her mind about going through with the separation. That she was not in a place to do a 180 and just let the last 18 months go. She also said right now it was a yes to being there, but not a yes to working to reconciliation.
The next day I came back and talked to her about it in person. I acknowledged my failures, that I understood it was for practical reasons, and that she was not in a place to let anything go. I also told her when she gets to a place like that, that we do not let it go. Rather we start to talk about the issues and not sweep anything under the rug as she said at one point. I asked when I could come back and she said whenever. So the next day I was home.
Things have been friendly but she seems to be going forward with moving into a home herself without me. I am diligently serving and sticking to the list I gave her. I am in the word daily over and over. I pray and seek God constantly. However, I feel nothing is happening. In a few weeks, she wants to put the house up for sale and move before school starts in August. So I am feeling a time crunch along with everything else.
I know that it will take time and not to expect a fast change. What I am scared of is that she said she seems to be really good friends but still holding onto the barriers that are keeping us from moving anywhere. And she shows no signs of being perceptive to change or rebuilding not matter how much I pray to soften her heart and save this marriage. No matter how hard I work with acts of service and constantly search the Lord to guide me, and to work in her. I have given this marriage to him. He is the only one who can save us. But I am so lost because time is running low to get change in work so we can move together as a family and work to renew our marriage.
I do not know what to do. In a few weeks, this could become more solidified. I am scared to bring anything up because I do not want to push her away and ruin potential hope. I am trusting God yet feel stuck in a hopeless spot at the same time.
Today I was literally on my knees, face to the floor, begging the Lord for help. I read two devotionals today and both had the widow who persistently asked the ungodly careless judge for justice. He finally gave in because she kept asking. Then it says to think how much more willing the Lord is to answer and help because unlike the judge, he cares for us. So I took it as a message to persist in seeking him and keep doing acts of service for my family while I am under the same roof.
Yet I am afraid and hurting. She is such a nice person and we talk, laugh, eat dinner, etc. But still, no change in the rest.
I am asking for counsel, prayer, and thoughts on this because I want this separation to end, to avoid divorce, and I am feeling hopeless no matter how much I obey God now. I am thankful for the lessons and suffering to help me grow. I just pray that he hears me and grants this miracle to redeem our marriage, put himself at the center, and save us from divorce.
Here we go:
In July/August 2019 I began to slip in my family. My PTSD caused me to shut my wife out some. When she asked what was wrong I did not respond. In time I wrote her a letter stating everything that I was upset about with her. Let me be clear: I was wrong! My issues had nothing to do with her but my response was exacerbated due to my internal problems.
In December of 2019, she said it was not working for her and we needed to separate. So I left. I ended up staying with an old shipmate of mine who had been through a rough divorce and set me up until I got stuff straight. Key point is that this was a female.
I did not think much of it but my wife that I was separated from did not like it. Understandably so.
Not long after, I was asking to come home. She ignored my requests, but I was able to come back home to be with the kids.
I had been going 3-4 times a week to be there with everyone and to cover down when she was in school.
At one point in late 2020, she changed course and wanted to go to counseling. She had asked me to come back for practical reasons before that but I had ignored those requests like she had ignored mine. That was wrong of me. I regret not saying yes.
We went to counseling but it was not good counseling. We both agreed he was not really good for us. But we were trying to make it work. Then without warning, the place shut down and dispersed all the therapists.
She says she wanted to do the exercises in the book that was given to us, but I do not remember that happening. Perhaps I was too into my own issues to have heard her. She took it as blowing her off.
That was earlier this year in 2021. Now we get to the hard stuff.
In May of this year, I hit a really hard depression. I became suicidal, wanted my family back so badly for support but didn't think it was possible, and thought the only way to stop the pain was to end my life. I wrote my suicide note and was planning it out. Getting ready to find relief, it scared me so bad. Something in me clicked in me (God's influence) and I reversed hard and fast. I ended up getting the message that if I was ready to die for my family, then I had better be willing to live for them too. So I did. I started to try. I began coming to the house more. Helping more. I no longer stuck my face in my laptop until it was late then called it a night and left. I was present and doing better. I thought I saw signs of potential as well. So after a little bit, I asked her out on a date. She said no. We'd talk about houses and it sounded like I was included in the upcoming house buying and move. Then when I'd talk about doing things together she would seem to shut down and not look at me.
It all culminated in me sending her a couple therapy letters that expressed my desire to reconcile, to go to counseling, and to restore the marriage.
Three weeks later, in an email (she prefers email to talk about difficult things) she told me that it was over. That a part of her would love me because we have four kids together, but that she could not be in love with me again. That she noticed the effort but it was too little too late. She said there was not enough counseling in the world and there was too much hurt after being apart for 18 months to get over. She fast-tracked to put get a separation agreement together with a lawyer and to call the realtor to sell the house. She wanted both of us to live in separate houses in the same area.
I panicked emailed her three times that day. The next day she emailed back saying I am not listening. That she's started to move on and she needs me to do the same.
I then dug in and leaned on God harder. I called an age-old friend I had not really talked with much despite him constantly reaching out to me. He happens to know my wife and me since before she and I were married. I've known him since I was 6.
He ended up getting saved because he went to church with my wife and I about 17 years ago. Now he has a master's in theology. He prayed with me and has been there counseling me.
I ended up telling my wife that I did not want a divorce. That we are only separated but not divorced, and that I am to love my wife no matter what...so that is what I was going to do. I asked her to consider counseling and to consider letting me come home to maximize my time with the kids.
The next day, I wanted to answer a question she had: Why now?
I admitted, even though I didn't want to, that I had written my suicide note and almost went through with it. But that God snapped me back and impressed on me that message I shared earlier, that if I was willing to die for them, then I better be willing to live for them.
That night, she text me as I left the house asking what it would look like if I came home in a practical sense. I answered with a thought-out list.
Then she asked if I did not, where would I live, how would it change the list, and what my telework schedule looked like. I answered her in person this time.
Two days later she seemed off. I was on the phone with my friend on my way back from my house to the temp place I have stayed at for the majority of the 18 months. I told him I thought I saw an email she clicked out of on her laptop and by how she was acting all day, I was afraid it was for me. I was right. I pulled over to read the email that popped in on the drive while I was talking to him and read it.
In short, she had said yes to me coming back for practical reasons only, and she had not changed her mind about going through with the separation. That she was not in a place to do a 180 and just let the last 18 months go. She also said right now it was a yes to being there, but not a yes to working to reconciliation.
The next day I came back and talked to her about it in person. I acknowledged my failures, that I understood it was for practical reasons, and that she was not in a place to let anything go. I also told her when she gets to a place like that, that we do not let it go. Rather we start to talk about the issues and not sweep anything under the rug as she said at one point. I asked when I could come back and she said whenever. So the next day I was home.
Things have been friendly but she seems to be going forward with moving into a home herself without me. I am diligently serving and sticking to the list I gave her. I am in the word daily over and over. I pray and seek God constantly. However, I feel nothing is happening. In a few weeks, she wants to put the house up for sale and move before school starts in August. So I am feeling a time crunch along with everything else.
I know that it will take time and not to expect a fast change. What I am scared of is that she said she seems to be really good friends but still holding onto the barriers that are keeping us from moving anywhere. And she shows no signs of being perceptive to change or rebuilding not matter how much I pray to soften her heart and save this marriage. No matter how hard I work with acts of service and constantly search the Lord to guide me, and to work in her. I have given this marriage to him. He is the only one who can save us. But I am so lost because time is running low to get change in work so we can move together as a family and work to renew our marriage.
I do not know what to do. In a few weeks, this could become more solidified. I am scared to bring anything up because I do not want to push her away and ruin potential hope. I am trusting God yet feel stuck in a hopeless spot at the same time.
Today I was literally on my knees, face to the floor, begging the Lord for help. I read two devotionals today and both had the widow who persistently asked the ungodly careless judge for justice. He finally gave in because she kept asking. Then it says to think how much more willing the Lord is to answer and help because unlike the judge, he cares for us. So I took it as a message to persist in seeking him and keep doing acts of service for my family while I am under the same roof.
Yet I am afraid and hurting. She is such a nice person and we talk, laugh, eat dinner, etc. But still, no change in the rest.
I am asking for counsel, prayer, and thoughts on this because I want this separation to end, to avoid divorce, and I am feeling hopeless no matter how much I obey God now. I am thankful for the lessons and suffering to help me grow. I just pray that he hears me and grants this miracle to redeem our marriage, put himself at the center, and save us from divorce.