I just want to disappear

[sixthalphabet]

I just realized that I'm suffering from a terrible depression, it accumulated ever since I was 14 years old. I feel hopeless and empty...I'm too tired to go on. I have all these constant worries in my head. I just want to cease my existence. I don't want to call it suicide but I just want to become a mere vapor. Yes, I had my share of happiness in this life though insignificant in amount and I thank God for that, but I'm too tired.

I'm just an 18 year old kid. But my life as I see it, is very different from the lives of the people around me. Their problems consist of lacking of material things or or problems about their infatuation, perverted love life or the latest DSLR cameras. But why am I so different? I'm struggling with my own existence.

I feel like I'm just a lab hamster of life. I envy those people who have a wonderful family, the vacations and stuffs. To tell you the truth I haven't experienced a single family vacation like that, I don't have a fruitful relationship with any of my family members. I only have myself and this laptop.

I have developed an inferiority complex it must be because of the awful things I've experienced in the past.

I dropped out from college, I didn't even to get past the first semester of my first year because I was intimidated of the people around me at that time. I'm an antisocial person to the very core, it seems like a defense mechanism.

I took a vocational course in web design, the only thing I'm holding to right now but ironically, I'm having issues with it as well. See? My life is so empty, I feel like God is punishing me, I tried apologizing for everything I have done wrong.

I secluded myself in my room with this laptop, the internet, my only access to the outside world. Everyday every week, I just kept on studying everything about my passion and the only break I have is sleeping and watching movies, but I still feel empty.

I tried reading the bible back then, watching online sermons but I just keep falling in the same rut. I just want God to remove me from this world.

I just want to cry but I'm also too tired for that. I want to bawl like a baby but I can't.


I apologize for this sudden rant post, I really don't have anyone else to talk to...
Please I need help.

 

[Tempura]

Hey there. I've been depressed about 8 years now, and I'm little over 30 years old. I said that so you would believe me when I say I know what depression can be. Of course, I'm not saying I know how YOU feel, only you know that.

1) Get help. Psychiatric help, seriously. I would've died without it.
2) Praying never hurts, but sometimes we (people) need professional help too.
3) You are not being punished, I sincerely hope you would believe this.

I'll tell you something about my struggles with depression. Constant anxiety, hopelessness, pain, feeling inferior, alcoholism, just wanting to die and holding my cross-necklace crying and punching the walls and myself because of it all. Had to quit my job. Often It's the other way around - I feel nothing. I just lay in bed not knowing what day it is, and feeling totally empty.

Now, I do NOT mean this to sound like "I know what pain is better than you so stop complaining", not at all. Your pain is yours and you know it better than anyone else.
What I mean to do, is to say that I am alive. Depression is still there, but hopelessness is not. I can sometimes laugh, really laugh, and most of the time I can really feel. I know who I am better than ever. My life is better now. I had to break to build myself. I'll try to list the things that have helped me.

1) Psychiatric help. Therapy, meds (though it took some time to find the right meds for me), sometimes I had to go to a hospital for awhile. I am not ashamed of those things. When I was younger I was, but not anymore. When someone needs help, then he/she needs help.
Therapy can help yourself recognize hurtful patterns more efficiently, and forces you (in a good way) to find out who you really are, to some extent. Also, if the therapist is good, you will get the important feeling that someone is actually listening to you, helping you.

2) Just not giving up. It is easy to say, I know. Just do not give up. When you hit the absolute bottom and you're sure you can't take it anymore, go someplace safe. Hospital, a relative, a friend. I managed to do that, to get out, somewhere to get help before I actually kill myself.

3) Have mercy on yourself. I would. Being depressed is not about being a bad person, an inferior human being. You are just as important as anyone else. You didn't choose to feel the way you do. I didn't either.

4) When I read the Bible, I focused on words of Jesus Christ himself. Words of compassion, love and understanding. I focused on those every time I could read. I also had some conversations (email only though) with a priest about my life.

I know these things are easy to say, and situations are never that simple. It would be easy to say: "force yourself to be more socially active and not so alone", but it's never so simple, is it?

I feel like I couldn't express my thoughts well enough. To put it simply: get help, you deserve it. You may feel like I did, that "this is it and it's not going to change" or "I don't deserve anything, I suck in life". But hang on, man. Hang on in there. I hope you get help. You're not alone. You can PM me if you want to talk, I try to visit this site almost every day.

 

[Criada]

Some very good advice there!
Depression can feel like a pit you will never climb out of, but with support and help, you really can get to a point where you can llive a 'normal' life (whatever that is!)
God loves you, and forgives you, and he does have a plan for your life, even if it's too dark for you to see it right now.
Please see a doctor - it's a disease, and medical science can help a lot!

Praying for you, brother.

 

[sixthalphabet]

Thank you Tempura, I appreciate your advice.

I'm just so afraid of the future. My Father lost his job, my brother is going away, everything is falling apart. Everything is so dark and upside down. I'm always lonely in my life, I prayed and I prayed and I prayed and I beg for forgiveness. I just want to be happy. Why did God put me in this kind of world, He shouldn't made me in the first place.

 

[plumsink]

It is a bad world, Sixth. There is no getting around that. Most people are in denial as to how bad it is, because their own lives are tolerable. Most people are asleep, frankly. Depressed people don't have the option of denial as much.

One thing that causes us unnecessary pain though is having an unrealistic expectation of where our lives should be going. The young particularly are prone to this, because they are at a stage of their lives where a lot of their hopes for life can get disrupted. Sometimes we feel societal pressure to be like others (or as we imagine others are), and sometimes the pressure comes from inside. In either case, it is all based on illusion. It's a lie.

We have to do many unpleasant things in life, but one thing we never have to do is apologize for existing.

I am here, world, deal with it!

Find the courage to discard all the expectations of yourself and others, and find another way. You don't have to apologize for existing. Don't let false expectations kill you, as they do to so many. So many die because of them.

I wish I had final answers for you, I don't. I don't know why God allows the suffering in this world. I can only hope that Light and Benevolence wins the day in the end, and in any case it is to those that I owe my allegiance. Certainly not to the world of Men.

Peace