husband and I divided over church

[janny108]

Today my husband did not go to church because he wanted to do some yard work. Ok it needed to be done.
He tells me today he really does not like our church. He likes Calvary chapel better or a smaller church similar to the one we presently attend. I'm starting to make friends there and he never has. So.. I know of some married couples that go to different churches but I think we should be likeminded on this right? I do like some folks at the other church too.

I actually walked out of the church today because the music seemed so loud. He told me later that he thought so too, but went because I wanted to go there.

I'm thinking about going back to the church he says he likes. Calvary has a Sat evening service too. Calvary I like too + this spirit filled smaller church. The one I'd been going to is a much bigger church with classes where I'd met some folks, but it's not ministry if that makes sense.

Anyone else married and has felt torn this way??

 

[TheDag]

good luck with sorting this out. I haven't been in the same situation but when I got married my wife was passionate about a certain church so I just went there and didn't bother looking for a church elsewhere. I did move interstate to get married so wasn't near my previous home church.
Personally if you are comfortable with the church your husband likes and you want to go to the same church then I would suggest changing to that church. Many churches don't cater very well to men and even more so if they don't fit the social norms.
I'm sure there is a way to stay involved with groups at the church you are currently going to if you like them. In larger churches most of the good ministry happens in groups rather than sunday services so not going to the services at your current church sounds like no great loss especially if the music is too loud. I'm not an old fuddy duddy but I personally find it hard to worship when music is too loud and feel excluded. Shame more churches don't understand that.

 

[BFine]

When we still lived on the peninsula I endured my husband's church
of choice for several years...I got by doing this: I would listen to
the type of preaching that taught from the Word of God on the radio...
I had a walkman that also had a radio on it and at night I would enjoy
good bible teachings and good praise music as well.

 

[stormdancer0]

I'm probably going to tick off some people, but here's my take on it.

Per the Bible, your husband is the spiritual head of the house. In this case, unless you have a clear reason why you do not want to go to the other church, you should submit to your husband's wishes.

 

[Bella Vita]

You should go to whatever church you feel comfortable with together. Whatever you do you should not be going to separate churches.

 

[Urbanredneck]

Well that is a tough one and one my wife and I deal with. She is from the more evangelical background and I'm more traditional. I dont care for my churches music either but she wants me to go to this other church where the music is even more extreme.

Then throw in the kid's wants and desires. Often a church where you like the services have a poor childrens or youth ministries.

It gets even more complicated:

Maybe a church you like is too far of a drive?
Maybe the hours dont work out?
What if you have very close friends at a church but otherwise, you dont care for it.

All I can say is pray about it.

 

[CounselorForChrist]

I know with my parents my mom is NEVER happy with any church my dad goes to because she wants to find one thats perfect. No clicks, no "memberships", no fighting, willing to help always...etc. So sometimes you cannot make someone happy no matter the church.

In my wifes case we made sure we are very compatible with our beliefs so hopefully she will like my church. If not...well we will cross that bridge later. She does though consider me the spiritual head of the house and trusts I am taking to a church that is what we believe in.

 

[tturt]

We should be in the church where Yahweh plants us.

 

[Philpy1976]

I'm probably going to tick off some people, but here's my take on it.

Per the Bible, your husband is the spiritual head of the house. In this case, unless you have a clear reason why you do not want to go to the other church, you should submit to your husband's wishes.

Nice to see this from a woman.

 

[SkyeMist]

Pray and ask God to lead you to the right church. Visit a few churches in your area and decide which church your husband and you would like to attend. Husbands and wives should attend the same church.

 

[REPHAIAHPEDAHEL]

Nope janny108!

 

[seeingeyes]

Can you go to the small church with your husband on Sunday, and then go to small groups at the other church during the week?

 

[Albion]

This is a very common problem, Janny, if that's any consolation. My conclusion is that the best approach is for you and your husband to sit down and, together, take careful stock of what each of you objects to in the churches you've mentioned here....and then find several new churches to visit that seem to meet the "wants" that both of you have identified.

IOW, it is less likely to work out if either of you compromises in some way in hopes that either Calvary Chapel or the church you already attend will "do."

Today my husband did not go to church because he wanted to do some yard work. Ok it needed to be done.
He tells me today he really does not like our church. He likes Calvary chapel better or a smaller church similar to the one we presently attend. I'm starting to make friends there and he never has. So.. I know of some married couples that go to different churches but I think we should be likeminded on this right? I do like some folks at the other church too.

I actually walked out of the church today because the music seemed so loud. He told me later that he thought so too, but went because I wanted to go there.

I'm thinking about going back to the church he says he likes. Calvary has a Sat evening service too. Calvary I like too + this spirit filled smaller church. The one I'd been going to is a much bigger church with classes where I'd met some folks, but it's not ministry if that makes sense.

Anyone else married and has felt torn this way??

 

[LoricaLady]

Unless there is something offensive Biblically, I think your husband, your relationship with him comes first. He may be hoping that you are more interested in spending time with him than the friends you have made. If you choose him over them, that could strengthn your relationship. if you don't, who knows it could weaken it.

The husband is supposed to be the head of the family. Mho, choose him and be glad he even cares about Scriptural matters. Another alternative would be to try to find a place you both like.

Praying you will make the right decison and that you and your husband will come into a full understanding of what it means to keep the Sabbath truly holy.

 

[SharonL]

54 years of marriage dealing with this - it hasn't been easy. First I married Catholic and I am Protestant. disowned by my family - tried his church for 10 years - could not take it any more - he tried my church for 10 years - also unhappy with it - we both try to do what is right and satisfy each other's wishes - but I thought also the man is the head of the house and really, really tried.

Once I found the Spirit Filled church - nothing else satisfied me. I was very unhappy in our church decision. I studied, read, worshipped with TV Spirit Filled churches and endured.

We moved - tried several different churches - none was fulfilling - so we stopped going all together. We watch 2 Spirit Filled TV ministers - do our Bible study and discussion, have learned more than all our years in church. We have a closer walk now than we have ever had - I learned to shut up and let the Holy Spirit do the leading and God has not put upon my heart to do anything different at this time.
You have to do what you find peace with.

 

[janny108]

Nice to see this from a woman.

I asked him what church that he likes, hopefully he'll desire to grow with it. I like it too, but sort of shyed away from it because there is not too much to be a part of as far as giving. But I will go because I do enjoy it. I like to feel the presence of the Holy Spirit in the church we were attending. If anything is extra in the week and I am free to go, then maybe I'll do that.

 

[Albion]

One thing I notice is that both of you are flexible and reasonable about this. Many times we find that one spouse is dead-set against anything but the religion he or she was raised in or else that they just don't like churchgoing. You have an excellent chance of working this out to the satisfaction of both of you, from what I can see in your posts.

 

[janny108]

Unless there is something offensive Biblically, I think your husband, your relationship with him comes first. He may be hoping that you are more interested in spending time with him than the friends you have made. If you choose him over them, that could strengthn your relationship. if you don't, who knows it could weaken it.

The husband is supposed to be the head of the family. Mho, choose him and be glad he even cares about Scriptural matters. Another alternative would be to try to find a place you both like.

Praying you will make the right decison and that you and your husband will come into a full understanding of what it means to keep the Sabbath truly holy.

One reason why I was spending time with others was/is that he drinks about 5 beers a day and is not up for ANYTHING but sleep.

 

[janny108]

One thing I notice is that both of you are flexible and reasonable about this. Many times we find that one spouse is dead-set against anything but the religion he or she was raised in or else that they just don't like churchgoing. You have an excellent chance of working this out to the satisfaction of both of you, from what I can see in your posts.

thanks for your kind words. Yes no one is against any one church, because we can see that the present church offers a lot of community activities too. But at Calvary we're getting into the book of Daniel and to be honest I've never read past chapter 2.

 

[parsley]

I think we should be likeminded on this right?

Why?

Being likeminded seems to prevent dissention and not waste time over petty opinions, what people want for themselves, random contention. Going to different churches is not in itself a contentious act -- it is just a choice to do different things. You work at different companies, have different hobbies, sometimes different friends... it is not a sin to want different worship venues.

Or to attend both churches for different services. There aren't many scriptures on church loyalty, attendance, or selection.

is not up for ANYTHING but sleep

And this shows that you won't be able to forever do what he feels like doing, because he will go up and down on his choices. Your spiritual choices should not be controlled by his moods, or a church choice that he might end up not going to anyway. (If he skips more frequently than mentioned here.)

It seems sensible and spiritual to say that the two of you should be in agreement, but the fact is, you won't be. You have a long life to live, and a decision on whether to let his whims control it, or live out your life the way you believe God wants you to live.

You might also think about attending al-anon meetings, where you can see common themes and tendencies among other relatives of people who drink heavily. (Some don't think 5 beers is a lot...ask your relatives if 5 shows up in you.)

There are a lot of Christian books on marriage and family, but many build premises on what they have concluded God wants in a marriage. In the Bible, there is a lot of silence, which usually implies that personal choice is important. Every marriage is different, every combination of two people is more different than snowflakes.

You can still respect him, without tagging together everywhere. Many men have completely different expectations than their wives, and the premise of decisions is different. He might feel like no one respects his expertise at the first church, and that the atmosphere and conversation is just too different from what's usually on his mind.

But will he find that at the next church? It's hard to say.

I've heard both men and women refer to the working class -- too many people in suits, don't feel comfortable when people are talking about travel for work -- enjoy being with other self-employed people (but put too many headstrong visionaries in a room and there's friction) -- like all the tattoos in this church -- don't feel comfortable hearing people brag about their kids' colleges... Those feelings of not fitting in can sometimes cause people to leave churches.

Compare that to your focus on what you were studying in Daniel. Different sets of premises.

Step back from rules in your head, fear of doing things wrong in God's eyes, and remember that He loves you. He loves your family. It's okay to have to deal with conflicts in ways that you didn't expect.