How to deal with (romantic) loneliness as a Christian?

[TheRisingSun]

My late 20s were the worst as a single. You need to try something different. Yes, you can lower your expectations, but try expanding into new territory too. By that I mean try something different. First, make sure you are on God's side with His plan for how to court a woman. Next, try some different approaches or locations. Online, distance, another country? Lots of love in the Philippines for American men. many are not gold diggers either.
This will shock anyone. A story about an older Christian man, marrying a 19 year old. He has a stroke and they are still doing great.

Like he says it is not for everyone and this is a huge outlier but the point is you need to have faith in God to find your partner.

"On God's side with His plan for how to court a woman?" Mind giving some examples?

And by lower my expectations, you mean...?

 

[TheRisingSun]

Win someone with poetry.

Did you just look at my reply to @bèlla ?

 

[Richard T]

"On God's side with His plan for how to court a woman?" Mind giving some examples?

And by lower my expectations, you mean...?

Sorry i was too vague. I can't say if this applies to you but God's desire in courting is no immorality. If you are walking in the spirit your help is far more likely. If you have worldly ideas like I did for a time, then God really is under no obligation, though He has helped some in spite of their sin.

By lowering your expectations is what I believe Bella talked about. Sometimes we expect too much. In my 20s i had a list of about 20 characteristics for a wife. later on in years that list was out the window. Be adaptable. I had never liked Asians before, now I don't think I would accept anything else. So broaden your horizons, in what is acceptable, and geographically. Also continue to try and be a giver. Find someone that you can pour yourself into. That should really help move you along.

I will go a bit further. Here is the free booklet that got me going. On the Matter of a Mate - Rhema
You can get into God so much that you really can believe for a mate. Hagin discusses the limitations on being too specific. It is God's will for you to marry if it is in your heart. So may scriptures like it is not good for man to be alone. two are better than one, etc. better to marry than to burn with passion. he that finds a wife has favor with the Lord etc.

hopefully you have tried dating sites. I used CDFF.com and Christiancafe.com. There are other Christian ones, some country specific. Bigchurch.com is another Christian one.
But yes, it seems like you are fretting when you should be resting in God, having assurance He really wants to help you because it is true. God bless your quest. He is no respecter of persons and will do for you what he has done for so many others. See the woman and believe in her before you even meet. Yes, you can have that much evidence. God bless.

 

[Richard T]

"On God's side with His plan for how to court a woman?" Mind giving some examples?

And by lower my expectations, you mean...?

I will say also I took the scripture, he sets the lonely into families. Ps 68:6. I was thanking him for that when things were super sparce. He moved me to a place and I found some serious connections, some unexpected. Lonely is just for a season, if your dwelling in their a long time it is going to hurt. So find that breakthrough in God by believing and detting your heart right to give to your future mate.

 

[TheRisingSun]

Sorry i was too vague. I can't say if this applies to you but God's desire in courting is no immorality. If you are walking in the spirit your help is far more likely. If you have worldly ideas like I did for a time, then God really is under no obligation, though He has helped some in spite of their sin.

By lowering your expectations is what I believe Bella talked about. Sometimes we expect too much. In my 20s i had a list of about 20 characteristics for a wife. later on in years that list was out the window. Be adaptable. I had never liked Asians before, now I don't think I would accept anything else. So broaden your horizons, in what is acceptable, and geographically. Also continue to try and be a giver. Find someone that you can pour yourself into. That should really help move you along.

I will go a bit further. Here is the free booklet that got me going. On the Matter of a Mate - Rhema
You can get into God so much that you really can believe for a mate. Hagin discusses the limitations on being too specific. It is God's will for you to marry if it is in your heart. So may scriptures like it is not good for man to be alone. two are better than one, etc. better to marry than to burn with passion. he that finds a wife has favor with the Lord etc.

hopefully you have tried dating sites. I used CDFF.com and Christiancafe.com. There are other Christian ones, some country specific. Bigchurch.com is another Christian one.
But yes, it seems like you are fretting when you should be resting in God, having assurance He really wants to help you because it is true. God bless your quest. He is no respecter of persons and will do for you what he has done for so many others. See the woman and believe in her before you even meet. Yes, you can have that much evidence. God bless.

" I had never liked Asians before, now I don't think I would accept anything else." For me, I can't see myself wanting femininity. Should I open my mind to that? Because at the moment, there's nothing about it that I appreciate.

 

[TheRisingSun]

bad idea.

What is?

 

[Richard T]

" I had never liked Asians before, now I don't think I would accept anything else." For me, I can't see myself wanting femininity. Should I open my mind to that? Because at the moment, there's nothing about it that I appreciate.

femininity - lots of great qualities in there, plus lots of diversity within the group. It seems problematic if there are no qualities that you find desirable.

"They may equate femininity with being a woman who embodies characteristics like being nurturing, sensitive, demure, or sweet. But femininity cannot be understood as a fixed set of essential traits that characterize all women." Somewhere out there is God's plan for you. If it is lust of the flesh, God likely may not help much. If it is Godly and the desires of your heart then you will be rewarded.
.

 

[TheRisingSun]

femininity - lots of great qualities in there, plus lots of diversity within the group. It seems problematic if there are no qualities that you find desirable.

"They may equate femininity with being a woman who embodies characteristics like being nurturing, sensitive, demure, or sweet. But femininity cannot be understood as a fixed set of essential traits that characterize all women." Somewhere out there is God's plan for you. If it is lust of the flesh, God likely may not help much. If it is Godly and the desires of your heart then you will be rewarded.
.

I know there are good qualities there. They're just not what I crave. I'm not understanding how that's a problem, apart from rarity in the church.

 

[com7fy8]

So you think I shouldn't be worrying about preferences until I grow and mature. Well, part of the reason why I want a more masculine woman to be with is because I'm not that crazy about femininity, romantically. It just...doesn't do much. I don't like it.

Well, I would say we don't need to get crazy about femininity, either >

"Lust not after their beauty in your heart" (in Proverbs 6:25)

"Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing,
But a woman who fears the LORD, she shall be praised."
. . . . . . . .. . . . . . . . . . . . . (Proverbs 31:30)

"rather let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God." (1 Peter. 3:4)

God's preference is how a lady of Jesus has "the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit". So, it is good to have God's preferences. And evaluate according to God's preferences, which have to do with our character, not only what is outward >

"'Do not judge according to appearance, but judge with righteous judgement.'" (John 7:24)

And "get to know some real women so you can see how a real lady of Jesus is." The problem I see is that a lot of ladies of Jesus are very feminine, which again, is not something I crave at all. I'm sorry if I'm coming off aggressively, but what exactly what do you believe will happen once I relate to others more?

Being feminine does not automatically mean the woman is Christian . . . as I have indicated with the verses above.

What makes a lady pleasing to Jesus is how she is humble and gentle and quiet and all-loving and how she relates with God's children >

"without complaining and disputing" (in Philippians 2:13-16)

"with all lowliness and gentleness, with longsuffering, bearing with one another in love," (Ephesians 4:2)

"submitting to one another in the fear of God." (Ephesians 5:21)

"nor as being lords over those entrusted to you, but being examples to the flock." (1 Peter 5:3)

"Therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, put on tender mercies, kindness, humility, meekness, longsuffering; bearing with one another, and forgiving one another, if anyone has a complaint against another; even as Christ forgave you, so you also must do." (Colossians 3:12-13)

"So then, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath; for the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God." (James 1:19-20)

This is how a lady needs to help you to relate. And you likewise help her, if you belong together, I would say.

But we can enjoy beauty, but keep it in its proper place, not allowing it to get to us >

"All things are lawful for me, but I will not be brought under the power of any." (in 1 Corinthians 6:12)

Finally, "So . . . you have not gotten very started in finding out how to develop Christian relationships, it seems to me. So, you need to grow and mature more before you commit yourself to preferences." Is there anything wrong with my preferences themselves? If so, what?

I have offered you scripture about God's preferences. But, of course, we can enjoy nice things of this life, but not let them control us and have power over us > God "gives us richly all things to enjoy," we do have in 1 Timothy 6:17.

And, as I have already offered, Paul and Silvanus and Timothy related "just as a nursing mother cherishes her own children", we have in 1 Thessalonians 2:7; and "exhorted, and comforted, and charged every one of you, as a father does his own children" > in 1 Thessalonians 2:11.

So, what matters the most is how we relate with one another and nurture and nourish one another with our prayer and example and other ministering. Loving, then, is not about if someone is feminine or masculine > such items are outward . . . not those things "above" with Jesus >

"If then you were raised with Christ, seek those things which are above, where Christ is, sitting at the right hand of God." (Colossians 3:1)

And have you ever shared with a woman who is Christian and masculine? You say you want one, but does God even have women who are what you are saying is masculine? What you could mean . . . for all I know . . . is not masculine, at all - - not Biblical, I mean.

In Jesus, masculine includes being gentle and humble with compassion for any and all people. Masculine includes being able to stay out of "complaining and disputing" (Philippians 2:13-16). Because he is deeply strong in love and love's creativity so he can't be snagged and dragged into arguing and fighting.

And a Christian lady is strong like this, too.

So, do not be scammed and trolled into seeking what is not Christian masculinity, not even for men.

 

[timewerx]

And have you ever shared with a woman who is Christian and masculine? You say you want one, but does God even have women who are what you are saying is masculine? What you could mean . . . for all I know . . . is not masculine, at all - - not Biblical, I mean.

In Jesus, masculine includes being gentle and humble with compassion for any and all people. Masculine includes being able to stay out of "complaining and disputing" (Philippians 2:13-16). Because he is deeply strong in love and love's creativity so he can't be snagged and dragged into arguing and fighting.

And a Christian lady is strong like this, too.

So, do not be scammed and trolled into seeking what is not Christian masculinity, not even for men.

I agree.

And for @TheRisingSun

I don't think the concept of "masculinity" or "femininity" even exists in the Bible.

Men should not wear clothes of the opposite sex, men should not sexually desire members of the same sex. Same for women. I think those are the only very few (two) gender roles that should not be crossed.

Husband and wife have different roles but the Bible does not consider any of those roles as "masculine" nor "feminine". Submissiveness isn't exclusive to wives. "Submit to each other" as Paul said.

Courage and risk-taking is NOT a masculine characteristic in the Bible. These qualities should be present in all followers of Christ, both male and female. Even taking command or autonomy in many family matters is NOT a masculine trait (read the example of a good wife in Proverbs 31).

Neither does compassion, empathy, warmth, nurturing, slow to anger, and understanding are feminine traits. They too must be present in all followers of Christ both male and female.

You should not reject feminine qualities in a potential partner. Because if you do, you might rejecting some of the qualities that are present in the followers of Christ, both male and female.

You're setting yourself up in having a wife who may not be Christian in qualities and can cause you many troubles if you pursue such woman.

 

[timewerx]

My late 20s were the worst as a single. You need to try something different. Yes, you can lower your expectations, but try expanding into new territory too. By that I mean try something different. First, make sure you are on God's side with His plan for how to court a woman. Next, try some different approaches or locations. Online, distance, another country? Lots of love in the Philippines for American men. many are not gold diggers either.
This will shock anyone. A story about an older Christian man, marrying a 19 year old. He has a stroke and they are still doing great.

Like he says it is not for everyone and this is a huge outlier but the point is you need to have faith in God to find your partner.

I think we have a discussion about this previously. Ironically, I live in the Philippines but nowadays, you might be playing the Russian Roulette if hypothetically, you're going to just randomly pick Filipina women to marry.

There are actually many "gold diggers" among Filipina women and many are very good at hiding it well into the marriage.

I have to put "" around "gold diggers" to look at the situation with deeper understanding. While many would choose a richer man, many are not doing it for purely malevolent, greedy, and materialistic reasons.

Many of these women have lived in poverty all their lives. Usually, they marry someone richer like a US citizen than marrying someone local because a US citizen might give themselves a chance to better their future, to be able to send their kids back home to college, to give their elderly parents a more decent quality of life instead of living a hard and difficult life of poverty.

To give you an idea how poverty feels like in a poor country, you'd be eating foods that is worse in quality and palatability than foods served in prisons in USA. You'd have prison level quality of life.

They are desperate and potentially scarred for life and some having PTSD like I do. They're not evil, they're only desperate for a breath of air after just trying to stay afloat in stormy seas their whole lives. But having various mental and psychological problems caused by poverty may cause problems.

Of course many are also truly evil. Certifiable gold diggers who are materialistic and only after showing off to their friends and using the money you give them to indulge themselves in worldly things and have no care for you nor anybody else but themselves and a few flings. They are growing in numbers due to the evil influence of social media. Guaranteed to make your life a living hell. This is why nowadays, if you're going to just randomly pick a Filipina , you might be better off just playing the Russian Roulette.

Looks-wise, there are many Filipina with Eastern European looks. We even have a few in the family who looks like a Russian native. Just need to dye their hair a lighter tone and voila, you have an Eastern European, only shorter in height on average.

 

[Richard T]

I think we have a discussion about this previously. Ironically, I live in the Philippines but nowadays, you might be playing the Russian Roulette if hypothetically, you're going to just randomly pick Filipina women to marry.

There are actually many "gold diggers" among Filipina women and many are very good at hiding it well into the marriage.

I have to put "" around "gold diggers" to look at the situation with deeper understanding. While many would choose a richer man, many are not doing it for purely malevolent, greedy, and materialistic reasons.

Many of these women have lived in poverty all their lives. Usually, they marry someone richer like a US citizen than marrying someone local because a US citizen might give themselves a chance to better their future, to be able to send their kids back home to college, to give their elderly parents a more decent quality of life instead of living a hard and difficult life of poverty.

To give you an idea how poverty feels like in a poor country, you'd be eating foods that is worse in quality and palatability than foods served in prisons in USA. You'd have prison level quality of life.

They are desperate and potentially scarred for life and some having PTSD like I do. They're not evil, they're only desperate for a breath of air after just trying to stay afloat in stormy seas their whole lives. But having various mental and psychological problems caused by poverty may cause problems.

Of course many are also truly evil. Certifiable gold diggers who are materialistic and only after showing off to their friends and using the money you give them to indulge themselves in worldly things and have no care for you nor anybody else but themselves and a few flings. They are growing in numbers due to the evil influence of social media. Guaranteed to make your life a living hell. This is why nowadays, if you're going to just randomly pick a Filipina , you might be better off just playing the Russian Roulette.

Looks-wise, there are many Filipina with Eastern European looks. We even have a few in the family who looks like a Russian native. Just need to dye their hair a lighter tone and voila, you have an Eastern European, only shorter in height on average.

Yes, a good warning to many. Gold diggers are not limited to the Philippines as we all know. I joke with my girlfriend that she is likes me because she has chicken and air conditioning now. Some of course want much more. There are some loyal, solid Christian women in the Philippines and other nations that are amazing. Christian woman too can look abroad. I guess the key though is what God puts in your heart and that you seek and put Him first.

 

[Richard T]

I know there are good qualities there. They're just not what I crave. I'm not understanding how that's a problem, apart from rarity in the church.

Those qualities can be quite diverse. As long as it is not sinful, keep expecting that God is going to bring you someone that has some qualities that you like. That they are not traditionally feminine should not matter.

 

[TheRisingSun]

I agree.

And for @TheRisingSun

I don't think the concept of "masculinity" or "femininity" even exists in the Bible.

Men should not wear clothes of the opposite sex, men should not sexually desire members of the same sex. Same for women. I think those are the only very few (two) gender roles that should not be crossed.

Husband and wife have different roles but the Bible does not consider any of those roles as "masculine" nor "feminine". Submissiveness isn't exclusive to wives. "Submit to each other" as Paul said.

Courage and risk-taking is NOT a masculine characteristic in the Bible. These qualities should be present in all followers of Christ, both male and female. Even taking command or autonomy in many family matters is NOT a masculine trait (read the example of a good wife in Proverbs 31).

Neither does compassion, empathy, warmth, nurturing, slow to anger, and understanding are feminine traits. They too must be present in all followers of Christ both male and female.

You should not reject feminine qualities in a potential partner. Because if you do, you might rejecting some of the qualities that are present in the followers of Christ, both male and female.

You're setting yourself up in having a wife who may not be Christian in qualities and can cause you many troubles if you pursue such woman.

This is probably the most Biblically sound advice I've gotten here.

@timewerx I guess what I mean is, I was looking for a Godly woman who's more like a guy. Tomboyish/boyish/mannish, whatever word works.


I guess my categorizing of those traits (strength being the most arguable) was more worldly. But I hope I'm being clear. It's just more attractive when a gal is like a male friend I'd have. Like a bro.

 

[timewerx]

This is probably the most Biblically sound advice I've gotten here.

@timewerx I guess what I mean is, I was looking for a Godly woman who's more like a guy. Tomboyish/boyish/mannish, whatever word works.

Some of the qualities you're looking for a woman are actually good from a Biblical perspective. For example, courage/bravery, and risking their lives for others.

However, you must also desire to have these qualities as well. You may not have these qualities now but at least try your best to have them.

I guess my categorizing of those traits (strength being the most arguable) was more worldly. But I hope I'm being clear. It's just more attractive when a gal is like a male friend I'd have. Like a bro.

If we're talking of a man instead, a straight, heterosexual male who is strong, likes doing things for the strong, likes risky sports/activities.

Such man may not want being friends with another man who is "soft", risk-averse, and lacking in strength.

I am telling you this because I'm that man who likes dangerous sports, athletic, can endure plenty of pain from these dangerous sports, and physically strong.

And to be perfectly honest, I'd rather have friends who are like me so we can spend more time together doing things we both love to do.

People are usually drawn together (regardless of sex) from common interests. Things they like doing both. I'm finding it very unusual to be looking for someone for friendship I have no common interests with. It doesn't make sense like how are we going to maximize our time together without the other one bored to death.

At the very least I'd expect you to be doing your best to become the person you want to be with. If you want someone strong, loves doing dangerous things, and heroic, I'd expect you to be doing your very best to become that person.

 

[timewerx]

I joke with my girlfriend that she is likes me because she has chicken and air conditioning now.

That might be the truth but don't take it up against her!

It may seem like a shallow behavior in US but if you're dealing with someone who only known poverty and hopelessness their whole life, thing aren't as simple. They may look up to you as a "savior".

Poverty and desperation can change the whole context of "romance". Not bad in itself, just different. Not the way you probably recognize but can still be the same in the end.

Christian woman too can look abroad

Very rarely happens.

I have several relatives who married a foreigner. All of those relatives are women and married a male foreigner.

Even among non-relatives. I've only personally seen two cases of foreign woman with an Asian guy my whole life. In both cases, the Asian guy is well off financially.

I think the coupling dynamics is that the guy has to be richer than the woman. That makes the chance of a guy living in a poor country attracting a foreign woman from a rich country very remote.

It's possible there are more cases with "flings" or short term affairs. But we Christians are not after such types of relationships.

 

[Richard T]

That might be the truth but don't take it up against her!

It may seem like a shallow behavior in US but if you're dealing with someone who only known poverty and hopelessness their whole life, thing aren't as simple. They may look up to you as a "savior".

Poverty and desperation can change the whole context of "romance". Not bad in itself, just different. Not the way you probably recognize but can still be the same in the end.


Very rarely happens.

I have several relatives who married a foreigner. All of those relatives are women and married a male foreigner.

Even among non-relatives. I've only personally seen two cases of foreign woman with an Asian guy my whole life. In both cases, the Asian guy is well off financially.

I think the coupling dynamics is that the guy has to be richer than the woman. That makes the chance of a guy living in a poor country attracting a foreign woman from a rich country very remote.

It's possible there are more cases with "flings" or short term affairs. But we Christians are not after such types of relationships.

Yes, just chicken and air conditioning is a good trade for genuine care. As a Christian I have to try and do more than that low bar but its better to exceed expectations which is far more likely with an Asian than a Western woman.

You are right on the Western females and Asians being rare. I am not sure why successful Western woman don't try as much as their male counterparts. Yes, flings should be out for Christians. It is far better to find a spouse.

 

[timewerx]

Yes, just chicken and air conditioning is a good trade for genuine care. As a Christian I have to try and do more than that low bar but its better to exceed expectations which is far more likely with an Asian than a Western woman.

You are right on the Western females and Asians being rare. I am not sure why successful Western woman don't try as much as their male counterparts. Yes, flings should be out for Christians. It is far better to find a spouse.

Us from poor countries may express love differently. It's different when you lack nothing materially, it becomes a matter of feelings and emotions, But if you have so very little, it becomes a matter of purpose like being the "Queen Esther" of your family,

Western women and Asian men. It's probably the height and finances. We Asians are shorter on average (I totally get it and I'm not complaining) and I don't think women go after guys who are poorer than them unless the guy is incredibly good looking and tall.

 

[Richard T]

Us from poor countries may express love differently. It's different when you lack nothing materially, it becomes a matter of feelings and emotions, But if you have so very little, it becomes a matter of purpose like being the "Queen Esther" of your family,

Western women and Asian men. It's probably the height and finances. We Asians are shorter on average (I totally get it and I'm not complaining) and I don't think women go after guys who are poorer than them unless the guy is incredibly good looking and tall.

I know some European woman will travel alone but I think that is rare for Americans to try and go outside the Western world. Seems superficial to just marry up, but I am not a women and can't say. Weird though in the modern world when more women go to college than men. Praise God for the Holy Spirit and guidance though. I just hope all are open to whatever God might lead. So many seem shut in their personal preferences.

 

[timewerx]

I know some European woman will travel alone but I think that is rare for Americans to try and go outside the Western world. Seems superficial to just marry up, but I am not a women and can't say. Weird though in the modern world when more women go to college than men. Praise God for the Holy Spirit and guidance though. I just hope all are open to whatever God might lead. So many seem shut in their personal preferences.

I knew a family where about half of the men married white American women. An incredibly improbable outcome except that family is filthy rich, running an international business.

I have a male friend who got approached by his female white co-worker (Canadian) and asking him for marriage. Ironically, he turned her down probably because she's a junkie (weed is legal in Canada). He's poor migrant trying get permanent residency in Canada. I don't live in Canada, but I worked with him back home. I think Canadian women are the most open-minded when it comes to choosing men. Less particular with race and finances. Maybe because people worry less about finances in Canada due to free healthcare, cheap education, generous stipend if not making enough money. A sister's friend who lives there tells her you don't need to save / invest in that country. It's crazy but perhaps she's telling the truth.

Living circumstances is probably a huge factor. For example, a lot harder on average to be financially stable in US compared to Canada. Anyway, none of this really matters to me. Not complaining at all with my options but present circumstances prevent me from looking. Hopefully, it's only temporary.