"Remove the lock on his door and put it on the outside of the door instead of the inside. This is your house, and he is not allowed to lock "his parents" out of his room. I have even gone so far as to remove the door and store it in the garage."
"This is perfect advice for anyone who wants to alienate their child completely, and guarantee that when that child leaves home, they will never see him again.
If that is what you want, then follow this to the letter. "
Well this post certainly struck me pretty hard in this string.
I had to deal with rebellious teenagers. Three of them at once no less. Two step children and my own son. Each one was a UNIQUE individual but at the same time "feeding off" one another in their rebellion.
Let me START by saying my own son as an adult has come back to me and told me that he is grateful for the way I raised him. Had I not done things exactly the way I did them he would have gone headlong all the way over the cliff never to return and he would never had been able to accept Christ as his savior.
He THANKED me for the way I raised him. He said he was GRATEFUL for all the "bad" things in his life,even the "harsh stepfather" and the "abandoning natural father".
Both my step kids love and respect me.I was the "equalizer" in their life. I never showed an ounce of favoritism.Each one was dealt with based on their individual personalities and individual needs at the time. They understand that as adults, respect what I did with them and emulate that in their own lives now.
My youngest daughter "never left" and told me that she watched everything, saw everything I went through, counted every tear the others caused me and it made her resist all the harder from doing any of the things she saw them do that made me cry. Individuals, each and every one of them. All acting and reacting to their environment from that individual perspective.
I did not remove the door to his bedroom but I sure did put alarms on the OUTSIDE of the window and doors to alert me to teenagers trying to sneak out in the middle of the night once we as parents went to sleep. I sure did refuse to allow them to have any "technological device" that would aid them in their ungodly activities. I sure did "put them on house arrest" I sure did make them work and pay their own fines when they had done something against the law on top of our own discipline. I sure did tell them I would not tolerate any type of violence in my home and would call the police to haul them away if they raised a hand to me or destroyed my property. And they knew full well I would do exactly what I said too.
The "trick" was never saying anything I didn't mean. Whether it was "good or bad" to them. From tiny on up I made sure that they could "trust" that if it came out of my mouth that is what would happen.
EVEN to the point I put myself in a corner and had to allow something I was dead set against. My son had pested me and pested me that he wanted to get his ear pierced. He pested for a year! I kept telling him NO. One day he came to me and said I will stop pesting you if we can make some kind of deal. What can I do that would make you willing to allow me to get my ear pierced. I told him well if you can get a perfect attendance for the entire school year, not missing a single day, then I will let you get ONE EAR pierced and that is ALL you can get done. After that there can be no more pesting for any other piercings anywhere else. He agreed.
I thought surly he would never make a full school year without missing a day and this would put an end to this whole business. I was having problems with him not wanting to go to school, he had already skipped school and gotten in trouble for this. he was constantly complaining about school and how boring it was.I was constantly being called into school because he was disruptive to the class and could never sit still.
When the last day of school that year came and he proudly walked in with his perfect attendance award I was "stuck" Standing firm on my own "rules" I had to take him the next day to get his ear pierced. I went with a very heavy heart. I told him as much. I was very upset with myself that I had "made such a deal"
Things only became increasingly worse as the three older kids went into teen years. My husband was still not saved, nor the stepkids mom so I was "alone" in many of the things I was standing firm on and it made it FAR more difficult on every level. STILL God is faithful and works all things to the good of those that love Him!
You know every time I told my son "if you do X, Y is going to happen". He would put his hand up to touch that ear ring and it would remind him that indeed what I said would happen is exactly what is going to happen. Yes he "tested" that notion and I was forced to apply the "y" EVERY time. But he said it began to "solidify" in him more and more each time I told him "I love you. It hurts me deeply that you have done "x" and caused yourself and others so much harm by doing so. Because I love you, I MUST enforce "Y". "I cannot say I love you and then allow you to destroy yourself" I would rarely engage them while they were emotional.If I was forced to I remained completely calm while doing so. My son screaming he HATES me because I took his things away and put him in his room was responded to with "That is a lie, I refuse to believe. You love me. You're just angry because I was forced to discipline you for the actions you chose to harm yourself with and no one likes to be disciplined" and I walked away. It stunned him and he went silent. He came to me later and told me that he understood and he was sorry he said he hated me, he didn't mean it, he still loves me. (Amazingly he never told me he hated me again even though I was forced to discipline him MANY more times after that) Still he learned to trust that if I said it, I meant it and it was going to happen.
He learned to trust GOD to be the exact same way because of that. He came right out and told me as much. He told me that he touched that earing every time he read things about God disciplining and refining those He loves because he loves us and wants to protect us until he actually made the decision to accept Christ and traded that earing in for the Holy Spirit.
Not allowing their volatile emotional responses to our discipline affect our actions is key to KEEPING it discipline and not "punishment" or abuse. Indeed it is hard and we need to lean hard on Jesus not to let them "drag us into the mud" with them. We must do EVERYTHING IN LOVE.
We must be sure to love them through their "discipline" and during periods of time when they are responding appropriately we must praise them and let them know how proud we are of them for making good choices. We must make them aware over and over (lest they "forget") just how much we DO love them and care what happens to them an that is WHY we are disciplining them, not because we are angry they aren't doing whatever we want and just bending to our whims. EVERY day I was sure to tell all the children how much I love them EVEN when they were in the worst of their rebellion.
