How to deal with rebellious gay teenager?

[MrsWright]

My middle child seems to be determined to make my life and my husband's completely unbearable. He is rude, disrespectful and we as yet have not found a way to discipline him since he became a teenager.He uses profanity constantly and my husband told me he found pornography on his computer some of it even self made involving himself and another boy. Furthermore he stays out late and pays no attention when we ground him. He has confessed to us that he is a homosexual and that he no longer wishes to be a Christian. His father and I do try to talk to him. We took his computer and most of his technological equipment away as a result of this incident but instead of showing remorse he is more violent and angry towards us. I'm worried his behavior will effect my other children. Honestly I'm waiting for the day he is old enough to move out of our house.

We have brought up all three children as Christians in what we hoped has been a loving and strict home. If any of you have dealt with teenagers maybe you could offer some suggestions.

 

[Catherineanne]

My middle child seems to be determined to make my life and my husband's completely unbearable. He is rude, disrespectful and we as yet have not found a way to discipline him since he became a teenager.He uses profanity constantly and my husband told me he found pornography on his computer some of it even self made involving himself and another boy. Furthermore he stays out late and pays no attention when we ground him. He has confessed to us that he is a homosexual and that he no longer wishes to be a Christian. His father and I do try to talk to him. We took his computer and most of his technological equipment away as a result of this incident but instead of showing remorse he is more violent and angry towards us. I'm worried his behavior will effect my other children. Honestly I'm waiting for the day he is old enough to move out of our house.

We have brought up all three children as Christians in what we hoped has been a loving and strict home. If any of you have dealt with teenagers maybe you could offer some suggestions.

I think you need to decide between 'loving' and 'strict'. If you go with the former, you may get your son back. If you stick with the latter, then you certainly won't.

Your choice, really.

Meanwhile, if you took my PC away I would be angry too. In other words, he is behaving perfectly normally in rebelling, and sadly so are you in trying to put the lid on that rebellion. It can't be done. Try to recognise that a teen is not a child, and cannot be controlled in the same way as a 5 year old.

Your son is growing up; give him the space to do so, or else you will lose him. Middle children find life harder than older or younger siblings; try to give him a bit more understanding.

I have a teenage daughter, we are very close and we have a superb relationship. There are very few rules in my house. The main one is, treat me with respect and you get the same. The next is, no crossing boundaries. In other words, I don't read my d's diary, phone messages, computer history or letters etc, and she doesn't read mine. She gets a lock on her door, and we both knock before entering one another's room.

With that kind of mutual respect in place there is no need for strictness, to be honest. She has never let me down, never betrayed my trust and never disappointed me. There is no reason for her to do so, and no petty rules to rebel against. I would suggest you sit down with your son and ask him to help you work out a way to have this same kind of situation, where the rules apply to everyone equally. Simply waiting for him to move out is not the answer; imo that is rather a disgrace, to be honest.

In relation to the computer content, I would advise pointing out the potential illegality of having explicit teen porn on his computer, and that it is not a good idea. After that, tell him that the computer must be clean of illegal porn as long as he stays in your house (ie the same rule as everyone else has), but that you will trust him to make sure it is (ie treat him as responsible and trustworthy). And then stop looking at his computer to try to check up on him.

And ignore the profanity; he is using that to get your attention. If you stop noticing it, then he will stop using it. Try to catch him doing something right for a change, and see what happens.

Either you can build a relationship of trust or else you can't. If you can't, then what have you been doing all his life? As I said above, your choice.

 

[drich0150]

All any of us can do is set fourth biblically based principles for our children to follow, hold them accountable when the stray and continue to do so consistently. This is not to say they do not have the options to stray or rebel from the path God would have us follow. That means we can not ensure that one will not influence the others. Again the only thing we can do is be consistent with our principles and follow through with them. If for some reason one child is influencing with self destructive or dangerous behavior then you may have to separate them from the rest of the family. Like at a Christ centered boy's ranch or some like that..

 

[Lee52]

First, and foremost, prayer. I am praying for you and your family. You must continue to pray for your son.

I forewarn you, this is going to take work on your parts as parents.

Next, limits and rules must not change to accomodate his rebellion. My hope is that you and your husband have always been together in the rules in your house and they have been loving, consistent, fair, and equitable from both of you in the same manner.

Remove the lock on his door and put it on the outside of the door instead of the inside. This is your house, and he is not allowed to lock "his parents" out of his room. I have even gone so far as to remove the door and store it in the garage. If his room is on the first floor, and his window(s) in his bedroom are able to be climbed out of, securely nail or screw with unremovable screws locking them shut. If an emergency like a fire occurs in the house, he can still break the glass with a pillow or blanket in front of the glass and a quick kick or elbow strike, then breaking or kicking the remaining glass from the frame to prevent severe injury. Explain that to him. A small six inch long by 3/4 diameter wooden dowell rod would be sufficient to accomplish the above without giving him a weapon to use against anyone.

Sit down with him and explain the household rules together with you, your husband and him. Write them down. "here are the rules and here are the disciplines that go for breaking the rules". It is not necessary to punish unless he is injuring someone. Discipline is intent to change behavior. Punishment is intended to make him pay for his behaviors. He is probably not going to respond positively to punishment. My suggestion is that violence results in total removal and storage of EVERYTHING in his room except for a mattress. As he begins to cooperate for a set number of days, (I like 7) he gets back something into his room. Then, in 7 more days, if he has been cooperative, he gets something else back and so on. If he gets violent again, everything that he has gotten back is removed. For lesser offenses like talking back or violating rules without violence, fewer days of deprivation from belongings. It is important that you and your husband are ALWAYS on the same page on this. It is also important that your son understand that his actions have consequences and that he is entitled to only unconditional love, adequate food, shelter, and clothing from you, nothing more. Everything after those basic life needs are extras that must be earned. Tuff love is still love. Love the sinner, hate the behavior. Love your son, and bad behavior is checked at the door to your house. Ground him to his room of nothingness for outlandish behavior for set amounts of time. Start hard core, you can always provide "shock parole". The very first outburst after the rules and disciplines meeting is severe. Everything comes out of his room. Leave the door on until he slams it. Once he slams the door or attempts to deny you and your husband from it, the door comes off.

In addition to these methods of discipline, Christian counseling, no matter the cost is absolutely necessary from a licensed Christian counselor, not for the homosexuality, but for the rebellious behaviors. It is very important that the counselor is both licensed and a Christian. They will most likely suggest individual and family counseling. DO both at their direction.

You have not stated your son's age, just that he is a teenager. If I were you, I might also consider a good residential military school. If you cannot afford one, contact your Army National Guard unit closests to you. They have Teen Challenge camps for rebellious teens in most States. They are not Christian, they are government, but there are Christians in the Army National Guard working at these camps.

I suspect that the homosexuality is a shock effect to disgust you and your husband. That is the least of your worries with what you have shared.

All teens go through some form of rebellion. It is a normal part of finding oneself apart from our parents. There is positive rebellion, which you can quietly ignore and smile about later, and there is absolute violent, aggressive rebellion, which will have lasting destructive effects on you, your son, and your family. It must be met with firm, consistent, tuff love intolerance.

Again, this is not for the faint of heart. How much do you love your son? How far are you willing to go to help him become a positive adult instead of a negative adult?

And again, licensed Christian counseling is a must.

I am in prayer for you and your family. Get yourselves on as many prayer chains as possible. You are going to need intercessory prayers, lots of them.

Be blessed,
Lee52

PS
BTW, I am a degreed, experienced social worker, and police officer, and my wife and I raised four daughters of our own, and several foster children as a trained and licensed foster care home in our home State. I know that the above does work.

 

[MrsWright]

I think you need to decide between 'loving' and 'strict'. If you go with the former, you may get your son back. If you stick with the latter, then you certainly won't.

Your choice, really.

To me the bible is very clear that children need discipline and guidance. If my husband and I didn't love our son we would not care what he did. It is because I love him that I ask for strangers opinions when my husband and I are exhausted of ideas.

Meanwhile, if you took my PC away I would be angry too. In other words, he is behaving perfectly normally in rebelling, and sadly so are you in trying to put the lid on that rebellion. It can't be done. Try to recognise that a teen is not a child, and cannot be controlled in the same way as a 5 year old.

You are right that the problem is we can't control him like a 5 year old. Where as you can smack a 5 year old trying that with a 14 year old does not work and hence why we thought taking things away was a good idea. They are things that without us, he wouldn't have anyway.

Your son is growing up; give him the space to do so, or else you will lose him. Middle children find life harder than older or younger siblings; try to give him a bit more understanding.

We tried and I think it might have been our lax ideas about punishment as he grew that led to this.

I have a teenage daughter, we are very close and we have a superb relationship. There are very few rules in my house. The main one is, treat me with respect and you get the same. The next is, no crossing boundaries. In other words, I don't read my d's diary, phone messages, computer history or letters etc, and she doesn't read mine. She gets a lock on her door, and we both knock before entering one another's room.

I really can not blame my husband for looking at my son's computer. I'd like to be able to trust him but my son has not earned that trust. Maybe your daughter is just a very good girl because my sons would walk all over us with a lack of rules.

With that kind of mutual respect in place there is no need for strictness, to be honest. She has never let me down, never betrayed my trust and never disappointed me. There is no reason for her to do so, and no petty rules to rebel against. I would suggest you sit down with your son and ask him to help you work out a way to have this same kind of situation, where the rules apply to everyone equally. Simply waiting for him to move out is not the answer; imo that is rather a disgrace, to be honest.

What rules do you think we have that are petty? I know it is sad to say I want him to move out but it is just how frustrated I feel.

In relation to the computer content, I would advise pointing out the potential illegality of having explicit teen porn on his computer, and that it is not a good idea. After that, tell him that the computer must be clean of illegal porn as long as he stays in your house (ie the same rule as everyone else has), but that you will trust him to make sure it is (ie treat him as responsible and trustworthy). And then stop looking at his computer to try to check up on him.

I think that is a good idea. Again my husband as far as I know wasn't trying to check up on him but I can't say I'm sorry he did.

And ignore the profanity; he is using that to get your attention. If you stop noticing it, then he will stop using it. Try to catch him doing something right for a change, and see what happens.

I know it is just that I don't want my younger son to catch on to the bad language.

Either you can build a relationship of trust or else you can't. If you can't, then what have you been doing all his life? As I said above, your choice.

I thank you for your advise but a lot of it seems impractical. He has not shown he is trustworthy. He is doing abominable things we have spoken against all his life. We need a way to help him consider his actions.

 

[Bella Vita]

Maybe some Christian family counseling would be good. To help deal with the anger as well as him coming out as a homosexual. That is big information for your family to process maybe he just feels like an outcast so he thinks "why not make them mad they don't except me anyways". Obviously don't do counseling to change him straight or anything like that it never works and only makes the kid hate you more. But counseling for how to deal and cope with his homosexual lifestyle would be good so that you and tour family will know how to handle him and begin to process his choices. Aside from full family therapy maybe look into some with just you and your husband you may feel like a failure as a parent it is natural but talking to a Christian therapist could really help. They can give you the tools you need for life as well as biblically for how to handle this in your family and as a parent so as not to make things worse. Hang in there I will be praying for you and your family.

 

[MrsWright]

Thank you Lee52. I plan to follow some of your advise. My only issue is that I live in the UK so I'm not sure about the residential military schools.

 

[hedrick]

I'll start by saying that since I'm not a parent, I hate to give advice to those who are. But some of the comments here worry me.

May I suggest starting out by trying to see what's going on. You may need someone else to help in doing this. I'm not against discipline, but if you apply it inappropriately you can make the situation worse.

Some of what you say suggests me that having decided he's gay, he may think he's so hopeless that it's no longer worthwhile to be a Christian or even a good person. (I'm assuming that your church says that gay people are going to hell, as is typical of CF participants, or at least that he's sufficiently familiar with that approach to assume it. If that's not the case, then my response may be completely inapplicable.) If he's given up on himself, it's going to be hard for anything else you to do work. I can't say anything more without violating CF rules.

 

[underheaven]

My middle child seems to be determined to make my life and my husband's completely unbearable. He is rude, disrespectful and we as yet have not found a way to discipline him since he became a teenager.He uses profanity constantly and my husband told me he found pornography on his computer some of it even self made involving himself and another boy. Furthermore he stays out late and pays no attention when we ground him. He has confessed to us that he is a homosexual and that he no longer wishes to be a Christian. His father and I do try to talk to him. We took his computer and most of his technological equipment away as a result of this incident but instead of showing remorse he is more violent and angry towards us. I'm worried his behavior will effect my other children. Honestly I'm waiting for the day he is old enough to move out of our house.

We have brought up all three children as Christians in what we hoped has been a loving and strict home. If any of you have dealt with teenagers maybe you could offer some suggestions.

<edit>

I would in that situation tell him that you love him ,but that you hope
he will give up his negative lifestyle.
Because it is certainly that.

 

[prophecyistrue]

being someone who was delivered out of homosexuality, I have to say its the rebellion that started everything, (at least thats what the bible says) and was true in my own life. anyone who tells you rebellion is a stage of growing up, is a liar, Its a stage of pulling away from God, and being a self centered idiot. I would wonder when this rebellion actually began

 

[MrsWright]

I'll start by saying that since I'm not a parent, I hate to give advice to those who are. But some of the comments here worry me.

May I suggest starting out by trying to see what's going on. You may need someone else to help in doing this. I'm not against discipline, but if you apply it inappropriately you can make the situation worse.

Some of what you say suggests me that having decided he's gay, he may think he's so hopeless that it's no longer worthwhile to be a Christian or even a good person. (I'm assuming that your church says that gay people are going to hell, as is typical of CF participants, or at least that he's sufficiently familiar with that approach to assume it. If that's not the case, then my response may be completely inapplicable.) If he's given up on himself, it's going to be hard for anything else you to do work. I can't say anything more without violating CF rules.

The last thing I want any of my children to feel is that they are hopeless. In Christ there is always hope. I obviously do not agree with the practicing homosexual lifestyle and he is so young it is worrying the things he has been doing now.

 

[hedrick]

The last thing I want any of my children to feel is that they are hopeless. In Christ there is always hope. I obviously do not agree with the practicing homosexual lifestyle and he is so young it is worrying the things he has been doing now.

I wasn't actually trying to convince you to change your mind about that. There's surely got to be a way to maintain hope with the standard point of view on homosexuality.

 

[Catherineanne]

Remove the lock on his door and put it on the outside of the door instead of the inside. This is your house, and he is not allowed to lock "his parents" out of his room. I have even gone so far as to remove the door and store it in the garage.

This is perfect advice for anyone who wants to alienate their child completely, and guarantee that when that child leaves home, they will never see him again.

If that is what you want, then follow this to the letter.

 

[Catherineanne]

I thank you for your advise but a lot of it seems impractical. He has not shown he is trustworthy. He is doing abominable things we have spoken against all his life. We need a way to help him consider his actions.

There is an old saying; call a man a dog and he will start to bark.

If you tell your son he is untrustworthy, then you will never be able to trust him ever again. If you want a son you can trust, then tell him that you trust him, and then do it.

Trust him to live up to your expectations; agree the rules with him, and tell him that you know he is worthy of your trust. This is the only way you will ever get the son you want; it may sound impractical, but it works.

Making more and more rules and trying to impose more and more discipline will not work. By the teen years it is either self discipline or none. Discipline can no longer be imposed from the outside without destroying the relationship.

 

[paul1149]

Mrs. Wright, you&#8217;ve gotten some wildly divergent advice here, but it may be possible to synthesize some of it, to come up with an effective response to your son's behavior.

I think the key to this problem is the old adage, hate the sin but love the sinner. If you have that attitude within yourselves, you are free to take whatever action is necessary to discipline your son - with good conscience and without violating the witness of love toward your son. It would do no good to become a doormat before him. No matter how much we love someone, we cannot function with lawless behavior.

I'm a little concerned about your use of the word strict, though. It may have connotations of harshness, and if so, that may be what your son is rebelling against. If that is the case, a serious reevaluation is called for, so you can give your son the respect he deserves. The goal is to be principled, while remaining flexible in the nonessentials.

But if an honest examination produces nothing that needs to change on your part, the problem becomes wholly your son's. You must explain to him that he is responsible for his behavior, and then grant him the freedom to make his own choices. And though you may continue to watch the situation carefully, to see if there's some way you can help avert tragedy, if he's bound and determined to rebel, at some point you must have the courage to step out of the way of consequences.

James Dobson put out a book a number of years ago, Love Must Be Tough. Though it's primarily geared toward the marital relationship, its principles are universal. He says that there is a time when we must draw a line in the sand, and that ironically, doing so affords the best chance of saving a relationship where trust and respect has gone south.

As Lee suggests, a lot of prayer, for wisdom and for mercy, would be appropriate. This is a decisive, seminal time in your son's life, and some decisions he makes may be with him a long time. Prayer may ease the situation and give him a soft landing, or it may give you insight for avoiding a crash altogether. May the Lord guide you to good success, and familial healing.

 

[Catherineanne]

Some of what you say suggests me that having decided he's gay, he may think he's so hopeless that it's no longer worthwhile to be a Christian or even a good person.

I am also aware of CF rules, but I think it is worth pointing out that teenagers are sometimes confused about their sexuality. He may not actually be gay, in other words.

Give him time and he may get past this. Stress about it and he may decide the attention is rather fun, and decide to stay with it.

 

[Catherineanne]

He says that there is a time when we must draw a line in the sand, and that ironically, doing so affords the best chance of saving a relationship where trust and respect has gone south.

I would agree with this, except I would say, involve the lad in drawing that line, and in deciding where it needs to be. That way there is half a chance of it working.

You simply cannot impose anything on a middle child rebellious teen; that approach will simply make them more rebellious.

 

[bsd31]

If you're considering a military boarding school -

The Military Schools Leader in Virginia | Fork Union Military Academy | Fork Union Military Academy is the leading Christian military boarding school for boys in grades 6 - 12 and PG.

In the state of Virginia, Southern Baptist affiliate, boys from all over the world go there. Contact them and tell them the issues you are facing. If they don't think they can help he won't get in.

 

[SharonL]

I would follow the advice of Lee 52 - in no way do you have to put up with foul language in your own home and the rebellion.
<edit>

We have 4 children - the 3rd one was the same - gave us all kinds of problems - raised exactly the same as others, he would lie, cheat and steal - caused us all kinds of problems. We had counselding, military school, made him join the service . You do what you can, but he has to follow the same rules as the others. I would seek the advice of Lee52 also - he knows what he is talking about.

It's a long row to get them to adult - you will have some battles, but the road he is on you will lose a bunch also - All you can do is try everything that you can to help, but don't beat up on yourself. Seek all the help you can. Praying for you.

 

[tturt]

I would tell him that I love him - not the behavior - no matter the source or the outward displays.