How to Deal With Horniness as a Christian? What to Do?

[Oblivious]

you feel horny because you want to. Not that you choose to feel this specific drive -- you choose to come to it. I mean, you don't feel horny when you talk casual stuff or do whatever, especially when people are around. You feel horny when you get too close to sex. That's it. You do something, right? Like french kisses, petting or whatever. Other then that you (or he) would not start feeling horny. So if you want to fight it -- got to start with fighing the cause not the effect. You understand what I mean? Abstenance is fine when you are not about to make love with him. I think it's pretty easy logic.

I have to disagree. All I need to do is just look at my husband and the hornyness comes on. It doesn't necessarily take a "touch" to feel horny, sorry.

Peculiarone, try something physical like jogging or some other form of exercise. I know when I'm exercising hard all I can think of is finishing!

Good luck to you, I know it's hard!

 

[Ringu]

I have to disagree. All I need to do is just look at my husband and the hornyness comes on. It doesn't necessarily take a "touch" to feel horny, sorry.

Hey, one thing is that it's your husband. It's okay for the husband. You would be a pitiful woman if he never got horny for you.

 

[FaithfulServant]

Hey, one thing is that it's your husband. It's okay for the husband. You would be a pitiful woman if he never got horny for you.

I don't think its fair to call someone a pitiful woman just because her husband isn't turned on by her.
There are lots of situations in which a husband can no longer be sexually aroused:
He is looking at pornography and that is satisfying him so he no longer is interested in his wife.
He is undergoing chemotherapy for cancer.
He is suffering from a psychological disorder.

Calling someone a pitiful woman is kinda harsh, don't ya think?

 

[Ringu]

Calling someone a pitiful woman is kinda harsh, don't ya think?

First off, I didn't call Oblivious pitiful. I said, You would be ... if ...
So there's some difference. And yes, maybe pitiful is too strong, but it would not make any woman happy if her husband can't be turned on by her, don't you agree? No matter what the reason is.

 

[Oblivious]

Hey, one thing is that it's your husband. It's okay for the husband. You would be a pitiful woman if he never got horny for you.

Read my post again. My post had nothing to do with my husband getting horny, I was referring to myself.

 

[Ringu]

Read my post again. My post had nothing to do with my husband getting horny, I was referring to myself.

Yeah. But in any case, what I wanted to say is that husband is one thing, I think you should feel horny, and it's a good thing. Another things is boy/girlfriend.
It's a natural thing and thus it very naturally leads to a deeper physical involvement. But reasons are in our character and our desires, so all this talk about taking a walk is just ********. It all starts with a desire which if uncontrolled leads to sex. Not a good thing for premarital relationship. So what I say, you choose to feel horny. And why do you make it a problem then? Just don't go so far.
Also being a woman you don't understand that think horny and really be horny are different things. We men have erection when we are horny. It's a physical sign. So when you have that just from looking at a woman, you probably can't really control yourself.

 

[Oblivious]

Also being a woman you don't understand that think horny and really be horny are different things. We men have erection when we are horny. It's a physical sign. So when you have that just from looking at a woman, you probably can't really control yourself.

First, thanks for the biology lesson. I had no idea that's what happens.

Anyway, you're sending the wrong message to the OP. Men can control themselves. Being a woman I understand that the men I've had relationships with were able to do so. And I'm hardly pitiful, the attraction was definitely there.

 

[Living4Him03]

Men CAN control themselves. Men aren't the only ones that have a physical response to being turned on, and yes, even women can have a response based on looking at or thinking about someone. I know what I'm talking about! If we didn't also get some sort of response at least at some point, sex would be pretty uncomfortable and nearly impossible in some cases I guess. Anyway, I still hold that the best way to stay pure is beginning with your thought life and going from there. You'd be amazed what difference it makes. Of course, I am a lowly female, so how I would I possibly know anything about that?

 

[Oblivious]

Of course, I am a lowly female, so how I would I possibly know anything about that?

This is true....we know nothing.....how dare you respond to this thread!

 

[SoldierofChrist]

My question to these gentlemen (and ladies) is if you are burning with passion, ie: "horny" as has been described... then stop whining and get married. Or, stop whining and get out of the relationship, prepare yourself to be a husband, find a godly woman and marry her within a year.

Men, stop being pansies and own up to the responsibility God has laid you with. If marriage "is a long way off," because you don't see yourself as responsible or mature enough for it... then get out of the relationship. You are fitting yourself prime for judgment.

1 Corinthians 7:9
But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.

It doesn't say, it is better to marry than to burn with passion "when you get around to it," or "after you've lusted 425 times." No, it is better to marry than to burn period. If you aren't responsible or ready for marriage, you shouldn't be dating at all. How many of you are causing your sisters in Christ to sin or allowing yourself to fall into unecessary sin?

Men if you are not ready for marriage, you have no business dating, period. Develop your relationship with the Lord and prepare yourself, then seek it and do not delay it.

 

[InTheFlame]

1 Corinthians 7:9
But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.

The question is, what does it mean to 'burn with passion'? Does this equate to feeling horny? (I would've been married to too many men with great personalities and rotten characters if this is the case)

 

[SoldierofChrist]

InTheFlame,

I'm speaking of those in dating/courting relationships. Those who are in a relationship should only be in one if they are going to pursue marriage. Running around dating as many people as you can is worldiness. In any case, the point is not to marry the first person you lust for. That's reading into the text something that isn't there. It does not mean that you are simply aroused. You can be aroused and not even thinking about someone or physically be with someone. If you are dating that means you are serious about marriage either in the near, or eventual future and therefore you should marry if you are feeding your lustful thoughts. No one should be in a relationship at all if they are not ready and able to marry. It's that simple, and if you are in one, it's better to marry than to fornicate in any sense, whether it's in lustful thoughts or physical touching.

 

[Ringu]

My question to these gentlemen (and ladies) is if you are burning with passion, ie: "horny" as has been described... then stop whining and get married.

Respects. Amen and amen bro.

The question is, what does it mean to 'burn with passion'? Does this equate to feeling horny? (I would've been married to too many men with great personalities and rotten characters if this is the case)

Yeah, I think it's exactly what it is.
And you twist the point. If you court/date with a man of rotten character for a long time and both are burning with passion, then either you should quit dating because he's got a rotten character, and you should see and admit it, or get married because you don't care of his character too much because you both feel "aroused" and you want to have sex. It should not even depend or be concerned with feeling aroused or not. When you know the man is not for you then you havea ground for making a decision about your future with him. Should be a rational decision.

 

[InTheFlame]

My thought is, there's got to be a period of time where this person is a prospect for marriage, but you're not entirely sure. Hence, problems with 'horniness' will often arise during that period. Saying 'just get married' is not, therefore, a complete answer to the problem. It's only an answer when the decision has already been (firmly) made by both parties in favour of marriage - and in THAT context only, I agree with you.

 

[Sascha Fitzpatrick]

I think some people here are being a bit arrogant saying that 'you should only date if you could marry that person'. Some people have the opinion that dating is specifically to find that out (and then decided after a while that yep/nope not what I want in a husband), and some think that (especially younger ones) you need to date to have fun in order to see how the opposite sex relate once in a relationship - most men and women do change somewhat when a dating relationship starts, believe it or not - just because they are one way when you're their 'friend' does not mean they are the same after you are their 'gf/bf'.

I've seen VERY harmful things happen with people whose intention, the minute they start dating people, is to get married to that person. EVERY little detail gets the fine tooth comb, and they forget that part of a relationship is FUN. Everything ends up being about attitudes, and behaviours, and 'ooo is he the one', instead of learning to relax and develop the relationship at its own pace. I'm just as guilty at this - I guess that's why I caution people who are all, 'oh I only date to get married'.

Now, that's fine if you believe that you should only date to get married, but don't pick on those who choose to date to learn more about the opposite sex, and what they actually want in a husband. There is nothing inherently wrong with EITHER idea - so long as sinfulness isn't being carried on with at the same time (which can happen in either form of dating).

I've had successful relationships, where marriage wasn't the original idea between us. I've had a VERY bad relationship, where marriage WAS the original idea. So I can see both sides. Right now, my relationship is one that we consider possible for marriage in the future, the trick is not hurrying it into a place where we could get engaged, when a lot of issues are still in the beginning stages of being discussed and worked through.

Ringu, what you said above is VERY simplistic in nature. It seems very easy on the outside to be able to go 'nope, bad character, get out', but sometimes, it takes a lot more effort to actually walk away. When it's something you've been used to for years, and you can't imagine NOT being with that person, it is VERY hard to turn and walk away. Sometimes, big inherent behaviours don't get displayed until you have been in a relationship for a long time, and by that point, you're so ingrained with this person, that leaving just seems too hard and too painful. Believe me, I've been there, and I have a feeling I'm not the only one to have stayed in a relationship cos of it's 'stability and comfort', even though it wasn't healthy...



Sasch

 

[Ringu]

I think some people here are being a bit arrogant saying that 'you should only date if you could marry that person'.

Who said that here? I don't think so.
As for me, I dated, and I felt aroused, and my girl felt aroused, and we talked about and did something about it. But it was most helpful when we both set up some limits in what we can do. If you are honest with yourself and with each other, you know what exactly leads you to arousal. Then solution (if you really need one) is to not approach that point and keep away from it as much is possible. If you don't bother, then don't be whining here.

I've seen VERY harmful things happen with people whose intention, the minute they start dating people, is to get married to that person.

I agree, but you got to keep in mind that you date for a purpose and not just for fun. You flirt for fun but dating should have a good reason. And when you begin kissing and all, you either only think of yourself how it makes you feel good, or you do it because you are honest and you believe that to some extent physical contact helps you build relationship. When you think about marriage, you probably feel more responibility in your relationship, don't you. And visa versa, if you are serious, then you are serious for a reason, you can't "just be serious". You are serious because you want your relationship last and go deeper. And how can it go deeper between 2 christians unless they get married?

Ringu, what you said above is VERY simplistic in nature. It seems very easy on the outside to be able to go 'nope, bad character, get out', but sometimes, it takes a lot more effort to actually walk away.

C'mon, don't you think I am this ignorant? I'm not a baby, and I had a number of relatonships, and eventually I got married, and I know it can be hard.

When it's something you've been used to for years, and you can't imagine NOT being with that person, it is VERY hard to turn and walk away.

Well, then just live with him if that's so impossibly hard.

Sometimes, big inherent behaviours don't get displayed until you have been in a relationship for a long time,

What is a long time???

and by that point, you're so ingrained with this person, that leaving just seems too hard and too painful.

Then what do you do?

Believe me, I've been there, and I have a feeling I'm not the only one to have stayed in a relationship cos of it's 'stability and comfort', even though it wasn't healthy...

Cool, so you know what's right and you know what's hard... and what are you trying to say now? You just leave us with a problem "been there have stayed in a relationship cos of it's 'stability and comfort', even though it wasn't healthy" --- and now what?

 

[Sascha Fitzpatrick]

I was just using it as an example for people who say, how can you stay when it is so bad... I wasn't meaning to give advice on how to get out (I've got lots, by the way!)... Some people (not just you here Ringu) sometimes don't understand how much co-dependancy can get into a relationship, even when you don't mean it to.

By long time, I mean a year or so. Some people don't get into the 'tough' discussions until they've got past the 'honeymoon' period in the relationship, and sometimes, by that stage, you're so entwined with the partner, that it is a BIG thing to turn and walk out, cos you realise that you won't get anywhere with the relationship, healthily at least.

My advice for people in that situation? I think, if you are Christian, you have got to be continually maturing yourself in your spiritual walk - on your own (ie separately from the spiritual stuff you do with the partner). When I started doing that was the time God started revealing to me the problems with my past relationship, and how I was doing the wrong thing by avoidance (which was out of fear of losing him). God alone was the person who showed me that the guy wasn't right for me - many others told me, but I wasn't listening. I couldn't imagine a life without him (and my self-esteem was VERY low at that point - if he doesn't marry me, noone will, etc etc), and it took me a long time to get thru it...

I wasn't trying to be mean in my post. It just seemed there was some attitudes coming across negatively about differing opinions on dating, and people who have stayed in unhealthy relationships - sometimes those people need love and counselling, instead of an argument! Was just trying to give grace to those people who are working through this at the moment...

I think you and I both agree on things here Ringu, I was just trying to be 'devils advocate' for the other side... As I said, I don't think either definition of dating is WRONG, so long as sin isn't getting involved in it. I've seen many spiritually healthy relationships between people dating who weren't outrightly considering marriage, and also with those who were. I think it is up to the people involved to decide what dating means for them, and to follow God wholeheartedly in their behaviour from then on.

Sasch

 

[Ringu]

Sasch

Sasch, it's cool, thanks. I mostly agree with you, and agree that I am in an argumentive mood, and if I was in the place of the people in these situations, I'd rather need understanding, grace and a helping hand, rather then arguments...especially if I was a girl.

But at the other hand, this thread is about feeling *aroused* during dating, and I already gave my opinion on that.

 

[Living4Him03]

What if it's just your first date and you're already aroused? What then huh?

 

[SoldierofChrist]

I'm not sure that it's about arrogance. For me it's from personal experience. We need to ask ourselves what would glorify God and not what we want temporarily. I dated a girl once whom I barely knew and rationally speaking decided to date her to see if she was marriage material because I thought she was cute. We dated for 3 years and she broke it off because she discovered who she was and didn't want me around anymore. You want to talk about heartache?