- May 9, 2017
- 9
- 2
- 60
- Country
- United States
- Gender
- Male
- Faith
- Christian
- Marital Status
- Married
Looking over the various threads in this forum I can see that I'm not alone. That realization alone makes my heart ache that much more. There's so much pain out there!
The Short Version:
my wife of 11 years had an "emotional affair" but with, admittedly, alot of physical attention. in other words, and affair, because an affair...is an affair...is an affair, any way you slice it. i know the OM -- he was formerly someone i considered a friend -- and confronted him on it. he expressed deep regret, and promised it was over and would stay away. i, of course, confronted my wife upon discovery. she is also deeply remorseful, though very confused as to our future together as a couple b/c she still has mixed feelings; she does love me and care very much for me, but "fell in love" with the OM despite knowing it was wrong to do so. we have two young children. she loves our family dynamic, which just makes this all that more confusing. i had made some mistakes for a 1-2 year period, but nothing so egregious as to warrant a complete breakdown of trust. she claims that we aren't necessarily compatible, and yet over the last 1.5 years she has seen a change in me which is why she did not give up. and, so, the jury is still out; we are in the process of recovery, in all it's painstaking slowness.
The Long, Detailed Version:
I'm in my early 50's, my wife in her late 40's. We are both Christians and attend church. We have 2 beautiful children and...I discovered recently that my wife had an emotional affair with a family friend. Someone with who I am friendly with, as well, which only adds to the sense of betrayal. I would not wish what I have been through in the last 6 weeks on anyone. It's horrific. The emails that I happened upon when she left her email account open (as I went to check for a document) sucked me down the rabbit hole; the deeper I went, the more reality slipped away. It's a nightmare unlike any other, discovering your spouse has given her heart to someone else (and possibly, much more; though I do not know the full details she has assured me they did not have intercourse and that she would get tested for STD's if I asked). I have experienced alot of heartache in my life -- parent's divorce, several deaths, a family suicide -- but nothing compares to this; the other things I can explain away. This, I cannot.
My wife was completely and utterly shocked by my discovery -- more like shell-shocked. It is much like a battlefield, the hours after discovery. I can see why some people compare going through the throes of D-day to PTSD; while not as graphic as what a soldier experiences, it's got to be just as emotionally gut-wrenching. Out of all the people in the world, this is THE one that you trust the most, honor the most, cherish the most. It's a long fall from grace -- for both the betrayed and the betrayer.
She exhibited great remorse over the following hours, days and weeks. She and I have cried together. At one point, we cried to the point where we were overcome with emotion and began kissing passionately. I almost thought that we would make love, but she insisted I spoon with her and hold her close, that she was feeling affectionate but not sexual at that time. I can understand that, but it was so hard to hold back. In retrospect, I'm glad I did -- but I miss my wife so much!
In the days and weeks since then, we have gone through every emotion that you'd expect. I did not get all the answers or details initially, and still have not, b/c my wife is not ready to divulge everything yet. It's coming in bits and pieces. She is in individual therapy (as am I), and feels she needs to do more work on herself, to delve into some of the issues that led her into this EA in the first place. She has said that she has some long-standing issues to sort out, things that she has been aware of (prior to our life together), and that she is also experiencing a sort of "mi-life crisis" (and all I wanted was a car!). I welcome the fact she is in therapy -- I think it's helped stabilize her some. She does want to go to counseling with me, too, but isn't quite ready for that. We did have one session, with an EFT therapist (Emotionally Focused Therapy), but there were some complications surrounding that; she thought we were seeing my individual therapist (not a brand new one, and I barely had time to tell her about the fact we were seeing a different person b/c we both lead such busy lives), she thought the therapist was part of our medical plan and not one we'd be paying $190/hr for, and she was upset that I had talked with the counselor initially on the phone. She was worried that she had already been "painted into a corner". I explained to her that we did chat, for 5 minutes, so I could ask her questions about her practice -- and my wife cooled down after that. Anyway, the point is that she is open to therapy, counseling, and delving into working on our marriage but will not fully commit to that until she has processed some of her own pain and issues.
As for me, after the initial shock (on a Friday), I knew by the end of the weekend that I wanted to save our marriage. I decided that I wasn't going to take this lying down, that I wouldn't let this wash over me like a riptide. I was going to fight like never before, and I was going to take The High Road to do it. I have fully committed myself to it, body and soul. I have also given it all up to the Lord as I know I have little to no control over the outcome -- He knows better than I what needs to be done, and if it is His will that our marriage shall be healed, if it serves His glory, then so be it. But just b/c you are giving it all over to the highest power does not mean you suddenly have peace of mind, that you can just switch to auto-pilot. Maybe those whose faith runs deeper can feel this way, but I am far from that in this particular case and I think He understands. This is an extremely volatile situation. I go through many periods where I feel utterly hopeless. It's soul crushing. All I can do is ask Him to protect me, my wife and our family, to know that we are human beings wired with complex emotions, and that we can only do so much on our own -- that we have to surrender our faith that He will do the rest, and take us under His care.
She has stopped contact with the affair partner, and promised that she would not be in contact, although I did discover in our one session that she had sent him an email asking if he was "OK" which was not easy for me to hear. I have also gotten in touch with the affair partner -- I know him, after all. We actually met, went on a walk and talked. It was about the most surreal experience I've ever had, meeting with this man who helped engineer our marital disaster. He was also in anguish, tried to explain why they had gotten involved, and shared with me some of the pain he has faced in his own marriage (yes, he's married w/kids, too) and in his life. We talked about our history, about our views on spirituality, all sort of things not even connected ot the affair. We were walking through this beautiful canyon when, suddenly, I knew I had to minister to him -- something i had never, ever done before, but I knew he desperately needed it. I asked at one point if we could pray together; he was a little nervous but agreed to. It was one of the most heart-opening experiences I (and, based on his tears, I think he would agree) have ever experienced. And then I forgave him. He was blown away. He vowed he would not interfere with the rebuilding process my wife and I are attempting.
A day or two later, over the weekend, I told my wife about this meeting with the "other man", while lying in bed with her; I had not planned on telling her, just one conversation thread led to another and it slipped out. In that moment I forgave her, as well. She was similarly amazed -- and speechless. Although, a couple of weeks later in our counseling session she did say that she didn't feel she should "get off that easy". I'm always amazed that someone who has been forgiven can still carry the guilt and shame of their actions, even though the party that has forgiven them clearly has forgiven them. Especially when you're a Christian; we should all understand the true meaning behind forgiveness, right? It's as if they want to carry that baggage, that they are so deep in their self-loathing or caught up in their self-destructive tendencies that they carry it like a battleship chain.
We have had some good moments since then and, on a few occasions, some great moments: a final, end of year ski trip, a family bicycle trip, 1-2 family celebrations. There has been some affection here and there; I've been a little more affectionate (not to the point of being a nuisance; mostly a quick peck here and there, occasional hand holding or rubbing sore shoulders, etc). And she has responded on occasion; we have been so much kinder to each other, vs the snappy/stressful exchanges we would have on occasion prior to discovery. She has grabbed for my hand a couple of times, or placed a hand on my knee, etc. It's not hearts and flowers but it's something and I will take it. I have tried to do anything I can to either relieve stress-points, remedy pre-existing issues, or value add to our relationship; small "random acts of kindness", giving her all the time she needs to get exercise/stay healthy, watching the kids so she can get work done, etc. I did one thing for her recently, something I picked up on, which she greatly appreciated and brought joy to her. These are all small things, like putting a fresh cut rose from our bushes in a vase on her desk, things like that. Quiet things to show her that I value her beyond measure.
You may wonder "where do you think you were at fault"? I will tell you. I can pinpoint it to a couple of things. I lost a job about 3 years ago, that caused her great stress; it impacted us a little, financially, for which she had to pick up the slack. I felt horrible about it, and did my best to keep up my end of obligations, but that was not enough. I also fell into a period of depression from this job loss/downsizing. Ironically, it was right around this period that she got closer to the "friend", and their relationship went to the next level. How I wish she had come to me, first! Did she not see how I had been humiliated, that I was hurting, too? It makes me wonder if marriage vows like "for better, for worse" have any place in this modern world, with it's modern problems; some of those vows sound almost antiquated, now. And yet, they really are timeless, aren't they? It's a shame that most spouses do not treat them with the weight they deserve. They are timeless vows for a reason; they are valid!
I also slipped up with regards to getting a few things done around the house or some parenting obligations. Not to the point where our house was falling to pieces or the kids were walking around with only one sock on, mind you, but anyone who is a parent to young, toddler to school-age kids will understand how overwhelmed one can feel at times trying to keep all the balls in the air. How do you keep your employer/spouse/kids/friends/self happy at all times? It's impossible. I think we expect too much of ourselves. We cannot, and will not, ever attain that state of perfection. It's a fantasy. I think I've batted about a .315 on all fronts, but my "coach" apparently saw someone in a slump with a .225 average. Of course, it's all hindsight now -- but I wish I had known just how vital some of these things were at the time. One of them over installing a new landline phone to replace a broken one, which took me 2 years to finally get around to. 2 years! For a $20 item. Ridiculous, that my marriage should fall to pieces over a piece of plastic and electronics made in Taiwan.
As I said, more recently we have been on a better path (this, even though we have not had serious couples counseling yet); for example, she has used more "we" statements than "I" statements, especially when it comes to a future together. We have continued to talk about some future plans, like planning her 50th birthday next year (I am taking her to Italy). The talk has shifted to being more inclusive than exclusive. We've been cuddling in bed in the morning before getting up (just spooning, leg over leg stuff), etc; my wife is subject to insomnia, though, and is also pre-menopause. She needs some separation before being able to fall asleep, otherwise she gets would up and can't fall asleep.
So, after a terrible night's sleep two nights ago, last night she was very withdrawn. She complained of "overheating" (pre-menopause symptoms), insomnia, and is also having her period. What fun; it's like a perfect storm, isn't it? She said "I need some space", mostly in terms of my not laying close to her when we fall asleep which, I admit, I have edged a little closer to her than pre-discovery (not that she ever minded me staying "on my side of the bed", per her disposition to insomnia, but at the same time she does understand my wanting to be closer to her). The need for space also ties in to the unresolved and conflicted emotions she is processing, of course; the physical intrusion into her space just complicates things, in addition to her body issues and emotional state. This is not the first time I have heard "I need space" (or the classic "I need space and time"); the one act I did for her which I mentioned earlier that brought her joy addressed her earlier "space and time" statement. But, I know it's not a one and done situation -- I know she is going to go through these periods of "needing space".
So I grabbed my pillows and told her I'd be spending the night on the sofa (which I hate). I gave her "space". I will likely do so this evening, as well. I told her "when you're ready for me to be in the bedroom again, let me know". She also said she could sleep on the sofa, but I prefer giving her the bedroom so she can be by herself w/out interruption from kids, etc. As I was drifting off to sleep, I heard her start sobbing. It wrenched at my heart. I quietly walked in, knelt beside the bed, and held her hand. I told her I wanted to say a quick prayer, to ask for peace and comfort. She didn't really respond, but I prayed with her anyway. I felt called to do it. It was the first time we had ever done this and it was moving, for me at least. I'm not entirely sure how she felt about it; I think she appreciated the gesture although I do know that when I thanked Him for our blessings, for our children in particular, she prodded me to finish (which I did). I think maybe she felt it was getting to be "too much" at that point. I have to be so careful with her!
This morning, I awoke at 6 am to hear her sobbing, again. This time, I did nothing and let her go at it. One of our son's then stumbled into bed with her. I put on some tea and left a cup on her nightstand, without a word. I then sat outside, watching the sun rise with my coffee while silently crying and asking the Lord "how much longer? how much more of this are we expected to go through"? If I ever had a quick evening prayer with Him before, it's an ongoing dialogue now; I ask Him for everything, everything. Mostly, to heal our broken marriage and to give both my wife and I the strength to carry on and see it through to another day. My greatest fear is that we will burn out at some point if we do not reach a place of healing, that the "statute of limitations" on our marriage will run out and the darkness will overcome us. She passed me by on her way out this morning, as I sat there with coffee and tears, and said in a bit of harsh tone "it's not all about you, it's about me, too". Later, she apologized in a text message and said that she knows I went outside just to prevent our kids from seeing dad upset -- she even said "thank you for sparing the kids; I left for work earlier than normal so they would not see my tears, either". She assured that it will be ok, that it needs to run it's course, and she asked me to stay strong. That this, too, shall pass.
I pray, fervently, that it does. This is all so much a bad dream that I wish would go away, but won't. It's awful. I am so deeply vested in this woman, in her family -- for example, I love her mom as my own (who I lost in 2002). Her mom adores me -- she would be horrified to know what was going on. It's just tragic in every way. Please, lift us up in prayer if you have a moment.
Thank you for reading this. A couple of questions:
* do you think I'm taking the right steps here? I've told her that I'm approaching this with all the integrity and inner strength I can possibly muster, and that I am relying on Him for everything else. She really appreciates that. I am not doing anything to guilt-trip her, make her feel bad, etc. If she is going to "feel bad" it will be due to her own guilt, etc, but I am not contributing to it. I am being patient, kind, and compassionate.
* for the ladies; how should I approach giving her "space"? how much should I lay off vs pay attention to her? I do want her to know that I care and that I am here for her, but I don't want to disrespect her desire for space to sort things out. It's hard when you're both under the same roof, with small children in the house who have absolutely no knowledge of what's going on (we put on such a good facade with them!). She stayed at an older couple's house for about a week after discovery, which I had initially suggested (but deeply regretted as I could not stand her being gone at night); last night she had told me that she would really like to go visit a close girlfriend of hers who lives far away, but she knows she doesn't really have the time/money to do so.
* how should I approach any sort of timetable for the two of us to get into counseling? Leave it entirely up to her? I am not one to issue ultimatums; I think they can backfire. I would rather just leave her be and let her get through her issues; it seems that she is indicating that she wants to stick around, although just after discovery she stated that she wasn't sure if she even wanted to be married anymore.
* and speaking of the above -- she did say, in the days after discovery, she wasn't sure she could see a future with me. She wondered if we were truly compatible, and not in the sense you might be thinking; for example, I have historically been more of a night owl, she an early riser. She wonders if this makes us truly right for each other, and i think that statement is kind of ridiculous (but have not said this to her, of course). I pointed out that, while at one time I was like this, I have shifted over the years -- and I really have, simply due to being exhausted at the end of the day from work and parenting duties -- and that I didn't see returning to that. I have tried to imply that we actually do have alot in common, it's just that we both been overwhelmed by parenting, mortgages, etc, and that things have, in fact, eased up a little over the last 1-2 years with the kids becoming more "manageable". Maybe she sees that, maybe she doesn't -- the jury is still out. But I am encouraged by those aforementioned "we" statements that had been missing for some time.
* finally, I am having a very, very hard time reconciling how something like this could happen to a Christian couple. I should note that, while both of us have been saved, each of us strayed from our faith and from church for several years (both prior to knowing each other, and for the first few years). We both began attending service about 3 years ago.
Thank you, one and all...I will post updates over time. Hopefully, we will begin to see a positive upward swing; I've already started seeing one.
s/
Hiding His Heart On His Sleeve in San Francisco
The Short Version:
my wife of 11 years had an "emotional affair" but with, admittedly, alot of physical attention. in other words, and affair, because an affair...is an affair...is an affair, any way you slice it. i know the OM -- he was formerly someone i considered a friend -- and confronted him on it. he expressed deep regret, and promised it was over and would stay away. i, of course, confronted my wife upon discovery. she is also deeply remorseful, though very confused as to our future together as a couple b/c she still has mixed feelings; she does love me and care very much for me, but "fell in love" with the OM despite knowing it was wrong to do so. we have two young children. she loves our family dynamic, which just makes this all that more confusing. i had made some mistakes for a 1-2 year period, but nothing so egregious as to warrant a complete breakdown of trust. she claims that we aren't necessarily compatible, and yet over the last 1.5 years she has seen a change in me which is why she did not give up. and, so, the jury is still out; we are in the process of recovery, in all it's painstaking slowness.
The Long, Detailed Version:
I'm in my early 50's, my wife in her late 40's. We are both Christians and attend church. We have 2 beautiful children and...I discovered recently that my wife had an emotional affair with a family friend. Someone with who I am friendly with, as well, which only adds to the sense of betrayal. I would not wish what I have been through in the last 6 weeks on anyone. It's horrific. The emails that I happened upon when she left her email account open (as I went to check for a document) sucked me down the rabbit hole; the deeper I went, the more reality slipped away. It's a nightmare unlike any other, discovering your spouse has given her heart to someone else (and possibly, much more; though I do not know the full details she has assured me they did not have intercourse and that she would get tested for STD's if I asked). I have experienced alot of heartache in my life -- parent's divorce, several deaths, a family suicide -- but nothing compares to this; the other things I can explain away. This, I cannot.
My wife was completely and utterly shocked by my discovery -- more like shell-shocked. It is much like a battlefield, the hours after discovery. I can see why some people compare going through the throes of D-day to PTSD; while not as graphic as what a soldier experiences, it's got to be just as emotionally gut-wrenching. Out of all the people in the world, this is THE one that you trust the most, honor the most, cherish the most. It's a long fall from grace -- for both the betrayed and the betrayer.
She exhibited great remorse over the following hours, days and weeks. She and I have cried together. At one point, we cried to the point where we were overcome with emotion and began kissing passionately. I almost thought that we would make love, but she insisted I spoon with her and hold her close, that she was feeling affectionate but not sexual at that time. I can understand that, but it was so hard to hold back. In retrospect, I'm glad I did -- but I miss my wife so much!
In the days and weeks since then, we have gone through every emotion that you'd expect. I did not get all the answers or details initially, and still have not, b/c my wife is not ready to divulge everything yet. It's coming in bits and pieces. She is in individual therapy (as am I), and feels she needs to do more work on herself, to delve into some of the issues that led her into this EA in the first place. She has said that she has some long-standing issues to sort out, things that she has been aware of (prior to our life together), and that she is also experiencing a sort of "mi-life crisis" (and all I wanted was a car!). I welcome the fact she is in therapy -- I think it's helped stabilize her some. She does want to go to counseling with me, too, but isn't quite ready for that. We did have one session, with an EFT therapist (Emotionally Focused Therapy), but there were some complications surrounding that; she thought we were seeing my individual therapist (not a brand new one, and I barely had time to tell her about the fact we were seeing a different person b/c we both lead such busy lives), she thought the therapist was part of our medical plan and not one we'd be paying $190/hr for, and she was upset that I had talked with the counselor initially on the phone. She was worried that she had already been "painted into a corner". I explained to her that we did chat, for 5 minutes, so I could ask her questions about her practice -- and my wife cooled down after that. Anyway, the point is that she is open to therapy, counseling, and delving into working on our marriage but will not fully commit to that until she has processed some of her own pain and issues.
As for me, after the initial shock (on a Friday), I knew by the end of the weekend that I wanted to save our marriage. I decided that I wasn't going to take this lying down, that I wouldn't let this wash over me like a riptide. I was going to fight like never before, and I was going to take The High Road to do it. I have fully committed myself to it, body and soul. I have also given it all up to the Lord as I know I have little to no control over the outcome -- He knows better than I what needs to be done, and if it is His will that our marriage shall be healed, if it serves His glory, then so be it. But just b/c you are giving it all over to the highest power does not mean you suddenly have peace of mind, that you can just switch to auto-pilot. Maybe those whose faith runs deeper can feel this way, but I am far from that in this particular case and I think He understands. This is an extremely volatile situation. I go through many periods where I feel utterly hopeless. It's soul crushing. All I can do is ask Him to protect me, my wife and our family, to know that we are human beings wired with complex emotions, and that we can only do so much on our own -- that we have to surrender our faith that He will do the rest, and take us under His care.
She has stopped contact with the affair partner, and promised that she would not be in contact, although I did discover in our one session that she had sent him an email asking if he was "OK" which was not easy for me to hear. I have also gotten in touch with the affair partner -- I know him, after all. We actually met, went on a walk and talked. It was about the most surreal experience I've ever had, meeting with this man who helped engineer our marital disaster. He was also in anguish, tried to explain why they had gotten involved, and shared with me some of the pain he has faced in his own marriage (yes, he's married w/kids, too) and in his life. We talked about our history, about our views on spirituality, all sort of things not even connected ot the affair. We were walking through this beautiful canyon when, suddenly, I knew I had to minister to him -- something i had never, ever done before, but I knew he desperately needed it. I asked at one point if we could pray together; he was a little nervous but agreed to. It was one of the most heart-opening experiences I (and, based on his tears, I think he would agree) have ever experienced. And then I forgave him. He was blown away. He vowed he would not interfere with the rebuilding process my wife and I are attempting.
A day or two later, over the weekend, I told my wife about this meeting with the "other man", while lying in bed with her; I had not planned on telling her, just one conversation thread led to another and it slipped out. In that moment I forgave her, as well. She was similarly amazed -- and speechless. Although, a couple of weeks later in our counseling session she did say that she didn't feel she should "get off that easy". I'm always amazed that someone who has been forgiven can still carry the guilt and shame of their actions, even though the party that has forgiven them clearly has forgiven them. Especially when you're a Christian; we should all understand the true meaning behind forgiveness, right? It's as if they want to carry that baggage, that they are so deep in their self-loathing or caught up in their self-destructive tendencies that they carry it like a battleship chain.
We have had some good moments since then and, on a few occasions, some great moments: a final, end of year ski trip, a family bicycle trip, 1-2 family celebrations. There has been some affection here and there; I've been a little more affectionate (not to the point of being a nuisance; mostly a quick peck here and there, occasional hand holding or rubbing sore shoulders, etc). And she has responded on occasion; we have been so much kinder to each other, vs the snappy/stressful exchanges we would have on occasion prior to discovery. She has grabbed for my hand a couple of times, or placed a hand on my knee, etc. It's not hearts and flowers but it's something and I will take it. I have tried to do anything I can to either relieve stress-points, remedy pre-existing issues, or value add to our relationship; small "random acts of kindness", giving her all the time she needs to get exercise/stay healthy, watching the kids so she can get work done, etc. I did one thing for her recently, something I picked up on, which she greatly appreciated and brought joy to her. These are all small things, like putting a fresh cut rose from our bushes in a vase on her desk, things like that. Quiet things to show her that I value her beyond measure.
You may wonder "where do you think you were at fault"? I will tell you. I can pinpoint it to a couple of things. I lost a job about 3 years ago, that caused her great stress; it impacted us a little, financially, for which she had to pick up the slack. I felt horrible about it, and did my best to keep up my end of obligations, but that was not enough. I also fell into a period of depression from this job loss/downsizing. Ironically, it was right around this period that she got closer to the "friend", and their relationship went to the next level. How I wish she had come to me, first! Did she not see how I had been humiliated, that I was hurting, too? It makes me wonder if marriage vows like "for better, for worse" have any place in this modern world, with it's modern problems; some of those vows sound almost antiquated, now. And yet, they really are timeless, aren't they? It's a shame that most spouses do not treat them with the weight they deserve. They are timeless vows for a reason; they are valid!
I also slipped up with regards to getting a few things done around the house or some parenting obligations. Not to the point where our house was falling to pieces or the kids were walking around with only one sock on, mind you, but anyone who is a parent to young, toddler to school-age kids will understand how overwhelmed one can feel at times trying to keep all the balls in the air. How do you keep your employer/spouse/kids/friends/self happy at all times? It's impossible. I think we expect too much of ourselves. We cannot, and will not, ever attain that state of perfection. It's a fantasy. I think I've batted about a .315 on all fronts, but my "coach" apparently saw someone in a slump with a .225 average. Of course, it's all hindsight now -- but I wish I had known just how vital some of these things were at the time. One of them over installing a new landline phone to replace a broken one, which took me 2 years to finally get around to. 2 years! For a $20 item. Ridiculous, that my marriage should fall to pieces over a piece of plastic and electronics made in Taiwan.
As I said, more recently we have been on a better path (this, even though we have not had serious couples counseling yet); for example, she has used more "we" statements than "I" statements, especially when it comes to a future together. We have continued to talk about some future plans, like planning her 50th birthday next year (I am taking her to Italy). The talk has shifted to being more inclusive than exclusive. We've been cuddling in bed in the morning before getting up (just spooning, leg over leg stuff), etc; my wife is subject to insomnia, though, and is also pre-menopause. She needs some separation before being able to fall asleep, otherwise she gets would up and can't fall asleep.
So, after a terrible night's sleep two nights ago, last night she was very withdrawn. She complained of "overheating" (pre-menopause symptoms), insomnia, and is also having her period. What fun; it's like a perfect storm, isn't it? She said "I need some space", mostly in terms of my not laying close to her when we fall asleep which, I admit, I have edged a little closer to her than pre-discovery (not that she ever minded me staying "on my side of the bed", per her disposition to insomnia, but at the same time she does understand my wanting to be closer to her). The need for space also ties in to the unresolved and conflicted emotions she is processing, of course; the physical intrusion into her space just complicates things, in addition to her body issues and emotional state. This is not the first time I have heard "I need space" (or the classic "I need space and time"); the one act I did for her which I mentioned earlier that brought her joy addressed her earlier "space and time" statement. But, I know it's not a one and done situation -- I know she is going to go through these periods of "needing space".
So I grabbed my pillows and told her I'd be spending the night on the sofa (which I hate). I gave her "space". I will likely do so this evening, as well. I told her "when you're ready for me to be in the bedroom again, let me know". She also said she could sleep on the sofa, but I prefer giving her the bedroom so she can be by herself w/out interruption from kids, etc. As I was drifting off to sleep, I heard her start sobbing. It wrenched at my heart. I quietly walked in, knelt beside the bed, and held her hand. I told her I wanted to say a quick prayer, to ask for peace and comfort. She didn't really respond, but I prayed with her anyway. I felt called to do it. It was the first time we had ever done this and it was moving, for me at least. I'm not entirely sure how she felt about it; I think she appreciated the gesture although I do know that when I thanked Him for our blessings, for our children in particular, she prodded me to finish (which I did). I think maybe she felt it was getting to be "too much" at that point. I have to be so careful with her!
This morning, I awoke at 6 am to hear her sobbing, again. This time, I did nothing and let her go at it. One of our son's then stumbled into bed with her. I put on some tea and left a cup on her nightstand, without a word. I then sat outside, watching the sun rise with my coffee while silently crying and asking the Lord "how much longer? how much more of this are we expected to go through"? If I ever had a quick evening prayer with Him before, it's an ongoing dialogue now; I ask Him for everything, everything. Mostly, to heal our broken marriage and to give both my wife and I the strength to carry on and see it through to another day. My greatest fear is that we will burn out at some point if we do not reach a place of healing, that the "statute of limitations" on our marriage will run out and the darkness will overcome us. She passed me by on her way out this morning, as I sat there with coffee and tears, and said in a bit of harsh tone "it's not all about you, it's about me, too". Later, she apologized in a text message and said that she knows I went outside just to prevent our kids from seeing dad upset -- she even said "thank you for sparing the kids; I left for work earlier than normal so they would not see my tears, either". She assured that it will be ok, that it needs to run it's course, and she asked me to stay strong. That this, too, shall pass.
I pray, fervently, that it does. This is all so much a bad dream that I wish would go away, but won't. It's awful. I am so deeply vested in this woman, in her family -- for example, I love her mom as my own (who I lost in 2002). Her mom adores me -- she would be horrified to know what was going on. It's just tragic in every way. Please, lift us up in prayer if you have a moment.
Thank you for reading this. A couple of questions:
* do you think I'm taking the right steps here? I've told her that I'm approaching this with all the integrity and inner strength I can possibly muster, and that I am relying on Him for everything else. She really appreciates that. I am not doing anything to guilt-trip her, make her feel bad, etc. If she is going to "feel bad" it will be due to her own guilt, etc, but I am not contributing to it. I am being patient, kind, and compassionate.
* for the ladies; how should I approach giving her "space"? how much should I lay off vs pay attention to her? I do want her to know that I care and that I am here for her, but I don't want to disrespect her desire for space to sort things out. It's hard when you're both under the same roof, with small children in the house who have absolutely no knowledge of what's going on (we put on such a good facade with them!). She stayed at an older couple's house for about a week after discovery, which I had initially suggested (but deeply regretted as I could not stand her being gone at night); last night she had told me that she would really like to go visit a close girlfriend of hers who lives far away, but she knows she doesn't really have the time/money to do so.
* how should I approach any sort of timetable for the two of us to get into counseling? Leave it entirely up to her? I am not one to issue ultimatums; I think they can backfire. I would rather just leave her be and let her get through her issues; it seems that she is indicating that she wants to stick around, although just after discovery she stated that she wasn't sure if she even wanted to be married anymore.
* and speaking of the above -- she did say, in the days after discovery, she wasn't sure she could see a future with me. She wondered if we were truly compatible, and not in the sense you might be thinking; for example, I have historically been more of a night owl, she an early riser. She wonders if this makes us truly right for each other, and i think that statement is kind of ridiculous (but have not said this to her, of course). I pointed out that, while at one time I was like this, I have shifted over the years -- and I really have, simply due to being exhausted at the end of the day from work and parenting duties -- and that I didn't see returning to that. I have tried to imply that we actually do have alot in common, it's just that we both been overwhelmed by parenting, mortgages, etc, and that things have, in fact, eased up a little over the last 1-2 years with the kids becoming more "manageable". Maybe she sees that, maybe she doesn't -- the jury is still out. But I am encouraged by those aforementioned "we" statements that had been missing for some time.
* finally, I am having a very, very hard time reconciling how something like this could happen to a Christian couple. I should note that, while both of us have been saved, each of us strayed from our faith and from church for several years (both prior to knowing each other, and for the first few years). We both began attending service about 3 years ago.
Thank you, one and all...I will post updates over time. Hopefully, we will begin to see a positive upward swing; I've already started seeing one.
s/
Hiding His Heart On His Sleeve in San Francisco
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