Have I missed the marriage boat? 45/M

[Matthew25]

I'm in my mid 40s, really want to get married to a good Christian woman and start a family.

My 40s kind of crept up on me, a series of jobs to different countries meant I never was at a place long enough to meet someone to settle down - I had to leave when the work ended and two previous long term relationships ended in the previous two countries I left respectively.

Now I look back on my life and wonder whether all the career chasing was worth it. Maybe it would have been better if I lived a simple life and raised a happy family.

Even now while I am in Taiwan, Christian, English speaking women are rare enough and I will probably relocate again for work in several months tops. It is not uncommon for women here to not want to start a family.

 

[public hermit]

I'm in my mid 40s, really want to get married to a good Christian woman and start a family.

My 40s kind of crept up on me, a series of jobs to different countries meant I never was at a place long enough to meet someone to settle down - I had to leave when the work ended and two previous long term relationships ended in the previous two countries I left respectively.

Now I look back on my life and wonder whether all the career chasing was worth it. Maybe it would have been better if I lived a simple life and raised a happy family.

Even now while I am in Taiwan, Christian, English speaking women are rare enough and I will probably relocate again for work in several months tops. It is not uncommon for women here to not want to start a family.

No, you haven't missed the boat. Your situation is unique and might require some creative approaches to meeting someone, but surely there is someone out there who is looking and is compatible. I have had relationships where I met someone, and only days before that, it felt like I never would meet anyone. That's just how it goes.

 

[ReesePiece23]

Funny you say that, because a (relatively good) English speaking Christian woman who I was seeing last year has recently moved back to Taipei; looking back on it though, it was a very messy experience that I wouldn't care to relive. I thought it was what I wanted for a very long time, but life has drifted me into a new direction apparently.

Anyway, to your point. The question could easily be reversed. Would you have had any regrets if you did get married and NEVER fulfilled your career. The answer is probably yes, because if you did it (and are still doing it) then you clearly have the personality type for it, and you would have felt stifled in a marriage.

Perhaps now, at this stage of your life, you're going through a change. Which if you are feeling this way, could mean that perhaps the time has come for you to re-think your approach to life.

So no, you haven't "missed the boat" - perhaps NOW is the right time to slowly head to the harbor and catch it. Life, like harbours, runs a timetabled selection of boats. You'll never miss one when it's your time.

Eighteen months from now, your life will look very different if you start moving that way.

 

[Richard T]

I'm in my mid 40s, really want to get married to a good Christian woman and start a family.

My 40s kind of crept up on me, a series of jobs to different countries meant I never was at a place long enough to meet someone to settle down - I had to leave when the work ended and two previous long term relationships ended in the previous two countries I left respectively.

Now I look back on my life and wonder whether all the career chasing was worth it. Maybe it would have been better if I lived a simple life and raised a happy family.

Even now while I am in Taiwan, Christian, English speaking women are rare enough and I will probably relocate again for work in several months tops. It is not uncommon for women here to not want to start a family.

Plenty of great Christian Filipino women who speak English. There are literally thousands of Filipino women in Taiwan even that work in electronic chip factories. I am not talking about just Catholic ones either. Lots of Pentecostal and other types of Protestant churches in the Philippines and even some for guest workers in Taipei.

 

[timewerx]

Here comes a vulture swooping down the singles section!

Mid 40's isn't too late. In fact, it's far from too late. Many divorcess re-marry at that age or even later.

It's really not your age that is stopping you. True, maybe it's your job or maybe it's something else. It's definitely not your age!

 

[DragonFox91]

Why would it be too late? There’s always single women out there.

 

[TheLastGeek]

I'm in my mid 40s, really want to get married to a good Christian woman and start a family.

My 40s kind of crept up on me, a series of jobs to different countries meant I never was at a place long enough to meet someone to settle down - I had to leave when the work ended and two previous long term relationships ended in the previous two countries I left respectively.

Now I look back on my life and wonder whether all the career chasing was worth it. Maybe it would have been better if I lived a simple life and raised a happy family.

Even now while I am in Taiwan, Christian, English speaking women are rare enough and I will probably relocate again for work in several months tops. It is not uncommon for women here to not want to start a family.

You absolutely have not missed the boat on marriage. People become single later in life for many reasons; spouses leave, spouses die, etc.

I would definitely consider that maybe raising a family is not in the cards for you, though. While men can still physically produce children well past their 40's most of the time, it's important to think of how that will affect the future. Do you want to be raising children in your 60's, when most people are starting to think about enjoying retirement? Do you want your children to have their dad (and for *their* children to have their grandpa) around when they grow up?

My dad was 50 when I was born. I never got to have a dad I could wrestle with, rough-house with, have him pick me up and put me on his shoulders, because he was already losing his physical vitality as I grew up. He began showing signs of Alzheimer's while I was still in my 20's. I should have had my dad there throughout my young adult years, but I didn't. Then my son lost his beloved grandpa far too early.

Just my two cents.

 

[WalkTheTalk77]

Hi, first, I'd pray a lot and see where God leads. As He permits, you may have lots of options...

To meet a lady - Asian wife, or expat wife, meet someone online, and/or move back to the Western world, etc.

Kids - Biological, foster, adopt, be a step-Dad to her kids, influence your pot
ential step-grandkids, teach kids at church/ministries, influence neighborhood kids or maybe friends' kids, neices/nephews, etc.

Don't let these things get you down! I've struggled with all this myself too (as a woman, so the kids issue is more poignant).

Remember to be out and about (or socializing online) to meet people!

Glad you're here expressing yourself!

Take good care and God bless you!

 

[WalkTheTalk77]

... It's not letting me make this edit, so I'll write it here:

Don't let these things get you down! I struggle with all this myself too (as a woman, so the kids issue is more poignant).
Yes, the 'regret,' so to speak, not 'starting a family' 20 years ago feels real... But, then, I really feel like if God had meant that, wouldn't He have shaped my life in that direction? Hmm... <"Free will" enters that chat> Bwah!

 

[Sketcher]

To meet a lady - Asian wife, or expat wife, meet someone online, and/or move back to the Western world, etc.

That goes badly more often than the hype suggests.

 

[bèlla]

That goes badly more often than the hype suggests.

That's an example of someone who couldn't get what he wanted in America who flexes to minimize the fact he settled. I know someone who colored outside the lines and asked him pointedly where he found her. I knew his preference and she wasn't it. The momentary dalliance was short lived and he returned to the fold within a couple of years. The passport spiel is meant to vex western women and give them a complex. I laugh at their posturing and ignore them.

~bella

 

[timewerx]

That goes badly more often than the hype suggests.

I personally knew several who did it. Some were relatives. Only one went bad - white dude couldn't handle a bright, highly opinionated Asian lady. I nearly had a relationship with their daughter who was into me but lucky for her, it didn't happen. My mind is in pickle, literally and it was far worse those times. She definitely dodged a bullet.

 

[Sketcher]

I personally knew several who did it. Some were relatives. Only one went bad - white dude couldn't handle a bright, highly opinionated Asian lady. I nearly had a relationship with their daughter who was into me but lucky for her, it didn't happen. My mind is in pickle, literally and it was far worse those times. She definitely dodged a bullet.

It turns out that stereotypes don't always hold up, and culture clash on how to build/keep a home is a thing. People say Asian women are great and submissive - yeah, tell that to my friend who married an Asian immigrant who treated him so badly he got PTSD and a divorce a few years later.

And, if you're bringing a foreign woman to the US, guess what, she's a social creature who acclimates to her environment and learns the same bad habits that local women have that you're trying to avoid. Furthermore, you're not the rich American that stands out anymore, every guy in the country is a "rich" American. There are ex-military guys who learned that the hard way.

I'm not completely against dating immigrant women, but I'm careful.

 

[timewerx]

It turns out that stereotypes don't always hold up, and culture clash on how to build/keep a home is a thing. People say Asian women are great and submissive - yeah, tell that to my friend who married an Asian immigrant who treated him so badly he got PTSD and a divorce a few years later.

And, if you're bringing a foreign woman to the US, guess what, she's a social creature who acclimates to her environment and learns the same bad habits that local women have that you're trying to avoid. Furthermore, you're not the rich American that stands out anymore, every guy in the country is a "rich" American. There are ex-military guys who learned that the hard way.

I'm not completely against dating immigrant women, but I'm careful.

I live the Philippines and the culture is not the same all over the country. Ending up with a nightmare wife and getting PTSD from the marriage unfortunately is a fact.

You just have to avoid women who come from some provinces and you'll do great! Because some of them acclimate to US culture and standard of living faster than the speed of light and even end up over-doing the worst examples of the culture.

Growing up in poverty can lead to explosive personality. Like marrying a Klingon. Or someone who is very cold and calculating as if you married a terminator from the future. Poverty can bring out the worst in a person and often, it's leaning towards the worse.

 

[bèlla]

Growing up in poverty can lead to explosive personality. Like marrying a Klingon. Or someone who is very cold and calculating as if you married a terminator from the future. Poverty can bring out the worst in a person and often, it's leaning towards the worse.

That's why stereotypes are best ignored. Everyone is different and improvements can bring out aspects of their character that weren't a factor beforehand. A lot of the spending for luxury items is coming from Asia and materialism exists. And given the internet I'd be less inclined to believe anyone's clueless. Just because you can't afford something doesn't mean you're ignorant of its existence.

~bella

 

[ozso]

I don't think there's a marriage boat. People get married in their 90s. But of course there's pretty much a having kids together and raising a family boat. If I got married at 65 and lived to 85, that would be a 20 year marriage. But I think having kids at 65 is impractical. Even though there are those who have done so.

 

[timewerx]

A lot of the spending for luxury items is coming from Asia and materialism exists.

No surprises there. I think Asians are NOW more materialistic and more worldly than some Caucasian cultures. A lot has change in recent times.

I say it's better chance to look all over the world finding the perfect person for you but only in terms of mathematical probability, nothing more.

I cannot give advice about other countries because I haven't lived among them. Although I've known quite a few Canadians. Few in the church, two as employers and their families. They seem more humble than many Asians I know. They don't mind driving beat up old (not classic) cars although they can easily afford to buy new cars.

 

[bèlla]

No surprises there. I think Asians are NOW more materialistic and more worldly than some Caucasian cultures. A lot has change in recent times.

I didn't want to say it but since you have I'll admit my agreement. Many are status conscious and obsessed with mimicking western examples of attractiveness and plenty. The desire for acceptance is strong and the preferred expressed is European. But the lengths I'm seeing are disturbing. Most notably the bleaching and surgeries.

I say it's better chance to look all over the world finding the perfect person for you but only in terms of mathematical probability, nothing more.

We live in a global society now with greater exposure to other groups. American culture is our greatest export. Whether they're here or not the probability of some influence is probable. Trying to find a woman who doesn't behave like western women who follows them on social media (without your knowledge) may be challenging.

I cannot give advice about other countries because I haven't lived among them. Although I've known quite a few Canadians. Few in the church, two as employers and their families. They seem more humble than many Asians I know. They don't mind driving beat up old (not classic) cars although they can easily afford to buy new cars.

I don't believe any country has a monopoly on prospects. Social media broadcasts western culture around the world. The depth of influence is personal. There's a lot of things I encounter I'd never mimic because of my values and boundaries. But the line differs for each.

~bella

 

[timewerx]

I didn't want to say it but since you have I'll admit my agreement. Many are status conscious and obsessed with mimicking western examples of attractiveness and plenty. The desire for acceptance is strong and the preferred expressed is European. But the lengths I'm seeing are disturbing. Most notably the bleaching and surgeries.

Ironically, Europe have mostly laidback, slow-paced culture among Caucasians. That is how I have come to know Europe from relatives who married Europeans, European clients, and from watching European movies.

So they'd be copying the worst examples of European culture which is actually the minority, not the majority.

When I mentioned about the "western culture" before, I meant specifically US culture, excluding Europe. Europeans are not the same.

 

[timewerx]

I don't think there's a marriage boat. People get married in their 90s. But of course there's pretty much a having kids together and raising a family boat. If I got married at 65 and lived to 85, that would be a 20 year marriage. But I think having kids at 65 is impractical. Even though there are those who have done so.

I think there's are services that can check your genetic chances for success of conception or probability of birth defects for various reasons including old age or even genetic compatibility with your spouse.

Another factor to consider are "Epigenetic Traits" which are heritable and these are directly influenced by health habits like diet, exercise, state of mind, etc.

Ironically, older couples with healthy lifestyles may have better chances of producing healthier offspring than younger couple with unhealthy lifestyles.