Guilt and shame

[ryan irving]

I am a God fearing Christian but its almost to the point of debilitation. I have psychosis which is always made worse by bad thinking. I see demons daily. The other day my thoughts were so dark that I started to feel scared because I know I'm in the presence of God. I got so scared that my reflexive response was to go with the demons. For the past 3 days I have condemned myself to an eternity in hell. When i went through the posts today on this forum I can feel God saying try again. Can you believe this? I think He still loves me, but I feel like Benedict Arnold. Anyway my body feels like evil poison is running through it. I don't want ever to be an enemy of God. Whenever I am going through the day I wake up God fearing. It's too much and Jesus has told me it's too much. He said I was much too serious. I refuse to have a loyalty problem. These demons have hurt me before. There is evil present in my life. I am not going to give up but my body soul and mind are distressed. Sometimes I lose sight of God. He's with me in my head I can feel Him but my environment is malevolent. The evil forces have the ability to desensitize me and make me unable to see the wonderful blue sky and white clouds, etc... Sometimes the light itself seems dim. Its like Seasonal Affective disorder but in the daylight! (Scary). Anyway I'll quit ranting. I am open to others positive AND negative experiences. The positive gives me hope, and the negative tells me I'm not alone. Thank You for all that post on this board....