Grew up with heroin addict mother.

[Any]

Hey all...

First off yes I gave been trying to find a counselor for months it's harder than you think...

Okay, so from about age 14 until about 25 my mom was a heroin addict. She dealt drugs and also did meth and crack, and I'm pretty sure I have PTSD now. I moved out and got married last year, with a baby on the way and I'm grieving the life she provided for me. I'm almost afraid to talk to her sometimes because it triggers horrible things in my mind, mostly about how she was neglectful and didn't provide any love or support to me really.

She's disabled now and so is my brother so they're now living and suffering together toxically. I blame myself and I don't know why. She was very good at guilting and manipulating and so was my brother My younger brother, younger by about 3 years has pretty bad health issues. I basically took on the mothering role so when I got married and left he got very mad at me, because I was basically his mom and his only hope, and he's sick and suffering and I blame myself and it keeps me up at night.

He doesn't talk to me anymore because he's mad. Not sure what I'm trying to say I really just need wisdom and help. I feel so guilty and also mad and the grieving is very rough.

The boiling point came when she called me on my.brothers behalf and asked me for 700 dollars for a truck. I felt very broken hearted. They don't even ask how my pregnancy is going..my mom does on occasion but as usual she's not supportive or nurturing.

Also please don't say the typical forgive them, let go and Let God stuff because I do forgive them but I have scars, and I don't know how to let go of things!

 

[HTacianas]

Hey all...

First off yes I gave been trying to find a counselor for months it's harder than you think...

Okay, so from about age 14 until about 25 my mom was a heroin addict. She dealt drugs and also did meth and crack, and I'm pretty sure I have PTSD now. I moved out and got married last year, with a baby on the way and I'm grieving the life she provided for me. I'm almost afraid to talk to her sometimes because it triggers horrible things in my mind, mostly about how she was neglectful and didn't provide any love or support to me really.

She's disabled now and so is my brother so they're now living and suffering together toxically. I blame myself and I don't know why. She was very good at guilting and manipulating and so was my brother My younger brother, younger by about 3 years has pretty bad health issues. I basically took on the mothering role so when I got married and left he got very mad at me, because I was basically his mom and his only hope, and he's sick and suffering and I blame myself and it keeps me up at night.

He doesn't talk to me anymore because he's mad. Not sure what I'm trying to say I really just need wisdom and help. I feel so guilty and also mad and the grieving is very rough.

The boiling point came when she called me on my.brothers behalf and asked me for 700 dollars for a truck. I felt very broken hearted. They don't even ask how my pregnancy is going..my mom does on occasion but as usual she's not supportive or nurturing.

Also please don't say the typical forgive them, let go and Let God stuff because I do forgive them but I have scars, and I don't know how to let go of things!

I can't say that my childhood was nearly as bad as what you describe yours as being, but we have a few things in common. I would describe my parents as extremely neglectful rather than intentionally harmful. It led to complete dysfunctionality in the family. As I got older the way I learned to deal with it was to decide that my son's life would be better than mine was. Focusing on that has really helped me to get past all of it. Rather than give you the "typical forgive them, let go and Let God stuff" I would recommend that you simply learn to tolerate them. You don't have to have the best relationship with your family but you will always have some sort of relationship with them whether you like it or not. You seem to already know what to expect from your family so it should come as no surprise to you when that's what you get from them.

 

[timothyu]

I won't say forgive them. They are family and you already do for that reason. However, there is no need for you to take responsibility for their actions. That is their job and they will never grow up no matter how old, until they do. Until then, they like many others will try and place responsibility on others. It's a human thing and far too common.

 

[Jermayn]

Hey all...

First off yes I gave been trying to find a counselor for months it's harder than you think...

Okay, so from about age 14 until about 25 my mom was a heroin addict. She dealt drugs and also did meth and crack, and I'm pretty sure I have PTSD now. I moved out and got married last year, with a baby on the way and I'm grieving the life she provided for me. I'm almost afraid to talk to her sometimes because it triggers horrible things in my mind, mostly about how she was neglectful and didn't provide any love or support to me really.

She's disabled now and so is my brother so they're now living and suffering together toxically. I blame myself and I don't know why. She was very good at guilting and manipulating and so was my brother My younger brother, younger by about 3 years has pretty bad health issues. I basically took on the mothering role so when I got married and left he got very mad at me, because I was basically his mom and his only hope, and he's sick and suffering and I blame myself and it keeps me up at night.

He doesn't talk to me anymore because he's mad. Not sure what I'm trying to say I really just need wisdom and help. I feel so guilty and also mad and the grieving is very rough.

The boiling point came when she called me on my.brothers behalf and asked me for 700 dollars for a truck. I felt very broken hearted. They don't even ask how my pregnancy is going..my mom does on occasion but as usual she's not supportive or nurturing.

Also please don't say the typical forgive them, let go and Let God stuff because I do forgive them but I have scars, and I don't know how to let go of things!

First of all, thank God for giving you the strength and wisdom not to fall into the same pattern of addiction and neglect as your mother. Many children get caught in the same cycle as their parents, as it seems your brother has, and many never see the guilt-tripping and manipulating that can occur towards those that break free from it. God is definitely at work in your life, so I want to encourage you to continue leaning on him during this stressful period.
I would like to ask you a hypothetical question, if you don't mind. Imagine the most calm and relaxing environment you can think of. Now, imagine you are in that place, sitting in a chair with a table in front of you. On that table is a glowing green button. This button has the power to completely and miraculously resolve the issue you are currently facing with your family and you are the only person that will ever know of the action you will take here. I want you to reach down and press that button. Describe for me what the world without the weight of this problem is like now. The more detail, the better.

 

[Any]

First of all, thank God for giving you the strength and wisdom not to fall into the same pattern of addiction and neglect as your mother. Many children get caught in the same cycle as their parents, as it seems your brother has, and many never see the guilt-tripping and manipulating that can occur towards those that break free from it. God is definitely at work in your life, so I want to encourage you to continue leaning on him during this stressful period.
I would like to ask you a hypothetical question, if you don't mind. Imagine the most calm and relaxing environment you can think of. Now, imagine you are in that place, sitting in a chair with a table in front of you. On that table is a glowing green button. This button has the power to completely and miraculously resolve the issue you are currently facing with your family and you are the only person that will ever know of the action you will take here. I want you to reach down and press that button. Describe for me what the world without the weight of this problem is like now. The more detail, the better.

Thank you for this reply. Yes praise God for saving me from that. I did walk a dark path with alcohol and the Lord helped me quit. If I was to press that button, it would feel like a worm in my brain is gone. I'd feel light, I'd have more joy and peace. I'd probably be able to sleep better. My guilt would be gone, and my shame and regret, my pain and my constant replying of memories in my mind. It would be easier to live in the moment and I'd be less blind....id feel more confident, and loved and accepted.

Unsure if you mean to explain just how I'll feel or what I'd want the consequences of the button to be..for example if I pressed the button, My brother would be talking to me again, my mom would be nurturing and supportive.

 

[Any]

I won't say forgive them. They are family and you already do for that reason. However, there is no need for you to take responsibility for their actions. That is their job and they will never grow up no matter how old, until they do. Until then, they like many others will try and place responsibility on others. It's a human thing and far too common.

Thank you. I feel responsible for them and have felt like that my whole life. They feel like my kids I know it shouldn't be that way. I partially feel somewhat brainwashed. You're right. Both of them never take responsibility for anything, it's almost amazing to witness. I was like that for a short time too but not so much anymore. I'm taking responsibility for my life even things that aren't my fault...they just blame others and lean on others. I dunno. Thanks for the reply.

 

[Jermayn]

Thank you for this reply. Yes praise God for saving me from that. I did walk a dark path with alcohol and the Lord helped me quit. If I was to press that button, it would feel like a worm in my brain is gone. I'd feel light, I'd have more joy and peace. I'd probably be able to sleep better. My guilt would be gone, and my shame and regret, my pain and my constant replying of memories in my mind. It would be easier to live in the moment and I'd be less blind....id feel more confident, and loved and accepted.

Unsure if you mean to explain just how I'll feel or what I'd want the consequences of the button to be..for example if I pressed the button, My brother would be talking to me again, my mom would be nurturing and supportive.

Great description! It sounds like re-establishing communication with your brother and having your mother become supportive and nurturing would really have a huge positive impact on your life. Despite growing up in the environment you did, you seem to highly value your family. I wonder, are you looking for just any communication from your brother, or something specific, like a call every now and then to ask how you are doing? The same with your mother. When you say "supportive" and "nurturing", I'm hearing you say "I want to feel loved by my mother". Am I right in this regard? Also, do you feel like there is a lack of support and nurturing in general in your life, or do you feel only receiving that from your brother and mother would bring about the world you've described?

 

[chilehed]

As a recovering addict myself, I strongly suggest you find a home in your local Al-Anon or Nar-Anon community.

 

[Any]

Great description! It sounds like re-establishing communication with your brother and having your mother become supportive and nurturing would really have a huge positive impact on your life. Despite growing up in the environment you did, you seem to highly value your family. I wonder, are you looking for just any communication from your brother, or something specific, like a call every now and then to ask how you are doing? The same with your mother. When you say "supportive" and "nurturing", I'm hearing you say "I want to feel loved by my mother". Am I right in this regard? Also, do you feel like there is a lack of support and nurturing in general in your life, or do you feel only receiving that from your brother and mother would bring about the world you've described?

I have always been very loyal to, and honored my parents (maybe so much that it was a fault and caused more harm) I had a lot of chances to move out when my brother was young and in that environment with my mom but I stayed for him. I always wanted to "do family things" and go to family reunions (extended family lives 6 hours away so we never really saw them) and kind of always wanted a big family.

My brother was my best friend for awhile and he lead me to the Lord. I wish he would talk to me and be supportive, but he's very bitter that I moved out and feels abandoned so he blocked me. It's been 7 months, and he never said congratulations that I'm pregnant but he got my mom to ask me for 700 bucks on his behalf. I want him to forgive me... My mom hardly checks how the pregnancy is going. She unfortunately just never really had the motherly instinct, love, affection, nurture. I'd like her to be more involved in my life and who I am. God helped me forgive her and it's not her fault she's emotionally unavailable, she's like that because she was abused in fostercare as a baby. It somehow damaged the part of her brain that process emotion. God shared that wisdom with me and it set me free in a lot of ways and helped me forgive but I still have that mother wound and that hole inside of my heart. I'm also grieving a lot about the life she gave me. I have to reach acceptence basically. My husband is somewhat nurturing to me but definitely not in a motherly way lol. Yes a big problem is I want to feel loved by her. I know she does love me but she can't show it properly. I'm not sure if them coming into my life properly would bring the life I described because they would still be who they are, I'd still be grieving and would still be hurt. They ask a lot of me, and take a lot, and hurt me a lot too.

 

[timothyu]

I'm taking responsibility for my life even things that aren't my fault...they just blame others and lean on others. I dunno. Thanks for the reply.

You wouldn't have trouble walking away if they weren't family, right? But this isn't a matter of walking away but of the ol' proverbial tough love, where you can still act responsibly towards them, but with the demand there be expectations met in return. Your participation must be earned.

 

[Any]

You wouldn't have trouble walking away if they weren't family, right? But this isn't a matter of walking away but of the ol' proverbial tough love, where you can still act responsibly towards them, but with the demand there be expectations met in return. Your participation must be earned.

That's very reasonable. Thank you for presenting that information to me in that way. It can't be just one sided, which it has been.

 

[Any]

As a recovering addict myself, I strongly suggest you find a home in your local Al-Anon or Nar-Anon community.

Thanks! Never heard of it but I'll look into it

 

[Jermayn]

I have always been very loyal to, and honored my parents (maybe so much that it was a fault and caused more harm) I had a lot of chances to move out when my brother was young and in that environment with my mom but I stayed for him. I always wanted to "do family things" and go to family reunions (extended family lives 6 hours away so we never really saw them) and kind of always wanted a big family.

My brother was my best friend for awhile and he lead me to the Lord. I wish he would talk to me and be supportive, but he's very bitter that I moved out and feels abandoned so he blocked me. It's been 7 months, and he never said congratulations that I'm pregnant but he got my mom to ask me for 700 bucks on his behalf. I want him to forgive me... My mom hardly checks how the pregnancy is going. She unfortunately just never really had the motherly instinct, love, affection, nurture. I'd like her to be more involved in my life and who I am. God helped me forgive her and it's not her fault she's emotionally unavailable, she's like that because she was abused in fostercare as a baby. It somehow damaged the part of her brain that process emotion. God shared that wisdom with me and it set me free in a lot of ways and helped me forgive but I still have that mother wound and that hole inside of my heart. I'm also grieving a lot about the life she gave me. I have to reach acceptence basically. My husband is somewhat nurturing to me but definitely not in a motherly way lol. Yes a big problem is I want to feel loved by her. I know she does love me but she can't show it properly. I'm not sure if them coming into my life properly would bring the life I described because they would still be who they are, I'd still be grieving and would still be hurt. They ask a lot of me, and take a lot, and hurt me a lot too.

First of all, I want to say Jesus tells us in John 13:35 that "By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another." Whether you know it or not, you have been reflecting the light of Jesus onto your mother and brother. Continue to love and pray for them. You may fast and pray for them if you are physically able to (consult a doctor first if you never have). Think of ways you can show them you love and care for them, but don't be taken advantage of either. In my experience, it's almost always a bad idea to start lending people money, especially the amount your brother is asking for. If you have money to burn and you feel like this is something you want to do, I would at least tell your mother to tell your brother he needs to call you and discuss the details with you directly. As far as your feeling so guilt, feeling guilty and BEING guilty are two completely different things. From what you've shared, you are not guilty of any wrongdoing, so just let those guilty feelings go. It is perfectly normal to eventually leave home to start your own family, which you have done.
As for healing that "mother wound", I would recommend connecting with a local church and getting involved with small groups and any functions geared towards women. You are a part of the Church family, the body of Christ, and so you are a part of a really big, loving family. You have many mothers, brothers, and sisters here. You just need to connect with them and share the struggles you are going through, and I promise, they will be there to support and nurture you. I can't promise, however, that you will ever receive the expression of love you seek from your biological mother. Heroin addiction blinds people to anything other than their next fix and even without that, she has physical damage to her brain. All this, and your brother's bitterness, can be overcome by God's grace. Share his word with them and encourage them to seek help. There's really not much you can do beyond this. You're going to have a child that will need a lot of loving and a lot of your time soon, so you're going to have to leave it in God's hands to change their hearts.

 

[chilehed]

Thanks! Never heard of it but I'll look into it

Feel free to ask me any questions you.might have.