Funny Answering Machine Messages

[loribee59]

Those Telephone Answering Machines!

Actual answering machine answers recorded and verified by the world

famous International Institute of Answering Machine Answers.


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A is for academics,

B is for beer.

One of those reasons is why we're not here.

So leave a message.

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Hi. This is John:

If you are the phone company, I already sent the money.

If you are my parents, please send money.

If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money.

If you are my friends, you owe me money.

If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

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(Narrator's voice There Dale sits, reading a magazine.Suddenly the telephone rings!

The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper,

with Dale in the middle of it, his arms windmilling at incredible speeds!

Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain.

The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message

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"Hi. Now you say something."

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"Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep."

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"Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?"

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"Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator.

Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets."

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"Hello, this is Sally's microwave.

Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck with taking her calls.

Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message,

just hold it up to the phone.

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Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages.

My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean.

They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken.

If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you."

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"Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like.

Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you."

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"Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now.

Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back."

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"You're growing tired.

Your eyelids are getting heavy.

You feel very sleepy now.

You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions.

When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message."

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"You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System.

Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use.

Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of *your* voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes.

There is no charge for this initial consultation.

However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment.

Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you."

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~loribee59

 

[Memory's Flame]

"Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator.

HA HA HA! That was my mom's answering machine for most of my high school years!! I Loved it!

The A is for... one was my boyfriends when he lived in the dorms but thankfully it's normal now!

 

[Amy]

"Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like.

Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you."

Plain and simple!

 

[Hollypop]

That is awesome... i called my dad and read them to him and he cracked up.

 

[Didymus]

lol did you hear about the lady who was a big Tom Selleck fan ? she taped a scene from magnum which had his answering mahine on in it and used it for her machine. imagine getting Tom Selleck s voice when you called home.
I do think it is kind of creepy to hear a dead person s voice because the survirors can t bear to erase the tape.

 

[kimmee]

LOL!!!!!!

 

[Swurple]

i totally need to change my answering machine msg and im definately gonna use one of those!! lol

 

[vibrant]

those cracked me up!!! - would consider changing my message to the hynosis one.

a friend's msn away message:

hi, i'm not here right now to talk with you. in the meantime, while you wait for my return, you can strip naked and run around in the streets yelling "buga buga buga". it won't make me respond sooner, but there will be some nice folks wearing white coats who will be happy to talk to you.