feel guilty/dirty :(

[poeticbliss]

Okay, this is hard to explain but I really need to get this out and get some input.
I was with my boyfriend for two years. During that time we were sexual; we never had intercourse but were very close to that at times.
We broke up this week because he was staying here until he got the money to get an apartment (he was having issues with his parents who were abusive) but we broke up because I found pornography on my computer and he admitted that he did it. I was so upset because he had told me a bunch of times in the past that pornography was disgusting and wrong and that although he admitted to doing it years ago, he would never do it again. He even convinced me that he only did it in the first place out of peer pressure. I was so shocked when I found it. I was devastated. I kicked him out and have not really spoken to him. And of course, we are now broken up.

Now when I look back on our sex life, I feel really dirty and really guilty. Like I feel guilty for having done it in the first place because I was never completely happy with the relationship (he has a lot of issues and has yet to find himself so I was always struggling to figure out my feelings for him since he didn't really have a consistent personality). He was never abusive or anything but he was confused and so was I. I just feel guilty for ever having been sexual with him. I always have but now that he did this and we aren't together, I feel a lot worse. Guiltier. Dirtier. I keep thinking of it and it wasn't pure because our relationship wasn't even healthy..yet I did it anyway and I'm mad at myself for it.

I want to wait until marriage until I lose my virginity, the thing is I never really set any other boundaries and I guess I should have because I definitely came close with this past relationship. I was going through a rough time, I know it's not a good excuse, and I was confused and so I allowed it to happen. He was never romantic though and it always felt really robotic and now I feel sick about it Any advice would be so appreciated.

-Charlotte

 

[BrBob]

Charlotte,

First of all, stop beating yourself up. That's not the purpose of guilty feelings. The Lord wants you to take your sin to him and to ask him for forgiveness. It's that simple. Ask for forgiveness, knowing that it was sin, and move on by working on changing your life into one of purity.

I see that you have a Protestant cross on your post. Do you have a relationship with Jesus Christ? Is he your Lord? Your Savior? Please answer those questions in your life and if you find that He is not, well - why not? All too often young people are brought up in church and believe that they are Christians because they were born that way. It really doesn't work like that at all. I was baptized as an infant and went to church reguarly. It wasn't until I was a teenager that I accepted Christ as my Lord and Savior. Even then, I had no one to teach me so I ended up backsliding for about 16 years before I found myself on my knees again. That time I was able to really begin a relationship with Jesus.

This is getting long. I only wanted to encourage you to give your guilt over to Jesus, dedicate your life to him and trust in his leadership. Life gets interesting then!

Bob
Spearfish, SD

 

[cynjo59]

Charlotte, if you have confessed your sin to the Lord and asked His forgiveness there is no need to feel guilty. Conviction is the Holy Spirit speaking to you about your need to confess and ask for forgiveness- any guilt feelings after that are just Satan trying to rob you of your victory. Don't let him do that to you.

 

[Johnnz]

You will feel pretty bad. Sex is an intimate part of us, at any level. It seems that he was into sex, not a real loving relationship. You were used for his purposes.

Yes, you are forgiven. You need to stand on that. But you were also subject to unclean desires (sex without love). When we get intimate we can 'take on' the spirit of the other person, the spiritual environment that the person has created around themselves. Know that Jesus washes you from that too. Just pray "Lord Jesus, wash me and separate me from all the wrong influences of (his name).

What you can't erase are the memories and your own sense of letting yourself down. It is so sad that young people just do not recognise that sex is a lot bigger than they first imagined.

Bless you

John
nz

 

[VivDaGurl]

Charlotte,

I want to tell you that you are not alone and I had that encounter before. My ex boyfriend and I were so close that we had outercourse almost everytime we meet up. I did so because I'm so scared that he would leave me. After he had left me, I felt so hurt and depressed deep down in my heart until today. We broke off last years Valentines Day.

Even then, whenever I see him or even passing by his car or anything at all, I could feel the hurt inside me. Very frequent, there are a lot of memories that comes knocking on my door that I could see the past so clearly (especially what we had done). I felt so dirty and ashamed of myself. I could even hear voices telling me that I'm a dirty girl, not worthy in the eyes of the Lord. It is not that I had not forgotten about this person or that I still want to go back to be with him. By the way, he's a non-Christian.

It is that, no matter whether we had intercourse or outercourse with any people at all, our spirit are binded together with the other person. Our spirit, mind and body are together whereby, once we are open to sexuality encounter with another person, we are already with that person. When the person broke off the relationship (even before marriage), this person had already taken part of us with them. We are no longer a whole person.

What we should do after we had realised such things would be two main things:-
1. Forgive him, yourself and ask God to forgive what you've done.
You have to ask God to give you the strength to forgive. On top of that, you have to confess every single thing that you had done (in details) to the Lord.
2. Break the bondages
It is very important to ask God to break the bondages between you and your ex boyfriend. For this, get a friend or better still the Pastor from your church to help you to go through this process.

Finally, it is also up to your own willpower on whether you want to overcome this or not. It doesn't help much if you said you wanted to do it but your heart refused. Submit yourself fully to the Lord but remember, this is going to be a long process and you can't settle this with a blink of an eye.

I know I talked too much here but I want to remind you, my dear sister, the devil will still be there telling you that you are dirty, unworthy, etc. but you have to tell the devil to get lost and shut his mouth up.

I will be praying for you....

God bless...

 

[Mebby01]

hey there
l went through the same situation as you did l dated a guy for 2 and half years.
And we broke up because he thought l was annoying and too emtional and he said he couldn't stand me any long. And l had sex with him as well he was my first l felt guilty and wrong too. What l did was l prayed to God forgiveness and pray to god and promise you won't do anything like that again until you are married. If you really need support p2p me ok? l hope your ok
God bless you
Melanie

 

[Mr.Cheese]

Dont' be too hard on yourself for mistakes. You've learned a lot from this. Continue reflect on what you've learned and move on. This is often the only way to learn important lessons in life. If I find a less painful way to go about it I'll let you know.
I think the real crime is not learning from what we've done and falling into a cycle of repeating the same things over and over. Break the cycle and grow, or in your case don't get caught in the cycle at all.

lol. "peer pressure." "I swear the pop up advertisement on the computer told me to look at it!"
Your former counterpart has his own lessons to learn as well.

I'm proud of you for having the strength to do the right thing.

 

[California Dreamin']

I found CHILD porn on my boyfriend's computer this week. I am still with him, he's deleted all of it. He is now 23 and this has been an issue since he was 15. He has been seeking help, he is disgusted with himself. I think he was more mad than I was when I found it.
He had told me that he didn't look at porn and all that too. I have been using the Internet on his computer for 3 weeks. The first week, the history was never erased and every site I went on could be easily found. (sites I go on everyday, CF, checking my e-mail, etc) Then I started noticing when I opened Internet Explorer, it seemed to be empty, I couldn't find the sites I went on the day before. He had been online and erased the history...
Anyways, we are still together and I think this might even be strengthening our relationship. I had a sexual issue deep down that I was struggling with, that was bothering me, and now I've let it out to someone for the first time.