Extremely Tough Christian Journey

[sk8brdkd]

I have had an extremely difficult christian journey. I have gotten to the point of closing up and not sharing with people anymore bc what I've gone through is completely unrelatable. I've even given up talking to different pastors bc although they listen, they often don't have any advice to give bc they can't relate to what I'm going thru. No one can. I have pressed in for the last 2 1/2 yrs praying wholeheartedly asking for answers and getting silence in return. I feel so alone in what I'm going thru. I have asked God so many times within 3 1/2 yrs to send me someone who's been thru something similar and who can relate to me and it never happens, yet, since I pray and God doesn't give me answers, I keep hoping people will. Am I the only one experiencing this?

For 18 yrs, I'm used to God speaking to me in 2 particular ways and outta nowhere he stopped. It has thrown me for a loop and for the last 2 1/2 yrs, I've been going in circles trying to figure things out. But, they say God is your best friend and you can tell him anything and he'll help u. But, lets say you had a best friend that you spoke to and you both communicated well everyday and then one day, your best friend stopped talking to you. What would you do or think? Would you continue to pursue and press in, or would u get all confused and eventually let them go due to getting no responses and them ignoring you?

Also yesterday at church, I've always gotten very confused when they say the holy spirits presence is in this room. To me, the holy spirits presence is a feeling, so, to hear them say that, always makes me say no, BC I would feel it.

I continuously tell God that I don't understand how to stay faithful in what I'm experiencing, yet, I know he's refining me and things just continue to get harder and harder and I feel like I'm about to let go and my letting go means that I'm fully going to totally let go of God bc staying faithful right now with what I'm experiencing is absolutely impossible. I have absolutely no idea and God isn't showing up anymore.

I know I'm being vague but thats BC people always shoot me down after I explain what I'm experiencing. Would you understand if I told you that I've experienced over 200+ types of God's peace over the last 2 1/2 yrs. Would u understand if I told you thst God has been putting me thru this renewal provess and I've been experiencing these internal shifts or changes everyday and most days are extremely difficult. Would u understand if I told you that I can literally feel when the Holy Spirit is working in me bc I can Feel it and then a chsnge often takes place. Would you understand if I told you that I had smelled the holy spirit on numerous occasions. I'm in tune with the spirit but faithfulness doesn't come easy. I'm used to feelings/changes/peace/confirmations thru the holy spirit. What I don't understand is how to stay faithful without feeling anything. I have been a christian for 21 yrs now and for 20 1/2 yrs, its been filled with all these other things I've explained to you. I've also received deep peace at night before going to sleep everyday for the last 2 yrs. I don't have any idea how to separate the feelings/changes and if I'm struggling to stay faithful now while still experiencing these changes, whats it going to be like when they stop again? I had one 6 month period where are the feelings, changes stopped and I failed miserably with staying faithful. Every 2-5 days, the holy spirit nudged me which brought me back but then starting in 2019, what I'm experiencing now started but God has been bringing me thru different things. And I'm feeling lost.
I've never been feeling so lost, confused, frustrated and depressed as I have now

Over the last 2 1/2 yrs, I've spoken to 7 pastors at my church and 6 from 6 different churches but with Most, I was totally shut down bc they didn't understand what I was talking about. 2 pastors at my church, although they didn't understand, they paused to listen and try to help but the last time I spoke on the phone with this 1 pastor, he only gave me 30 min and no advice. That's when I started shutting down from wanting to talk to anyone. 3 months ago, this 1 other pastor at my church, I felt the holy spirit nudging me to talk to him. I ignored it until that pastor asked to speak to me and I opened up about Everything and I felt like a total idiot explaining things to him but he believed me. 2 weeks ago, he said we need to get together again and catch up. I haven't spoken to him yet due to my fear and stupidity of being afraid to speak to him again. I know he had said we could talk yesterday after church, but including my fear, I also felt it inappropriate to talk with all the other people around. I have such a huge fear of talking to him but I feel like God isnt giving me answers and at this point I really need soneone to talk to BC I'm feeling completely stuck. This morning as I was praying about this spiritual stuff, I felt the holy spirit again tugging on me to contact that pastor. Was it the holy spirit? Idk at this point but it seemed like it. I txt him apologizing for not speaking up yesterday and also asking for another day to speak. Idk what else to do at this point. And now im afraid i wont hear back from him. If God continues being silent, what do u do? How do u continue stay faithful when nothing is lining up? I'm afraid of going to chase all these pastors away bc of the high unrelatability of what I'm going thru. I don't typically reach out anymore. Today, it feels like the holy spirit has retracted from me.

Please don't judge me. This is what I've experienced.

 

[friend of]

Maybe God wants to teach you to rely and exercise your Faith in Him over feelings?

 

[sk8brdkd]

Maybe God wants to teach you to rely and exercise your Faith in Him over feelings?

Then why not make it clear instead of automatically just giving me an overly difficult day that I don't kno how to handle?

But.. I also don't have any clue how to do that. All I've known is feelings/changes and God really hasn't come thru on that with answering my questions. Like with that pastor. I thought I felt the same nudging and confirmation this morning that I had a few months ago with him, but, now idk

 

[friend of]

Then why not make it clear instead of automatically just giving me an overly difficult day that I don't kno how to handle?

If He made it clear then it wouldn't really be a trial then would it?

 

[sk8brdkd]

If He made it clear then it wouldn't really be a trial then would it?

But this has been going on for 2 1/2 yrs now. I havent gotten closer to understanding whats going on esp when it gets harder. Why would God think I can understand faithfulness w/o feelings on the extremely difficult days if I can't grasp the concept on the easier days?

 

[friend of]

But this has been going on for 2 1/2 yrs now. I havent gotten closer to understanding whats going on esp when it gets harder. Why would God think I can understand faithfulness w/o feelings on the extremely difficult days if I can't grasp the concept on the easier days?

I'm going through the same thing tbh. God tries our faith. It's what He does with His children, even though its painful. An untested faith is worth little in the sight of God. Hang in there

 

[sk8brdkd]

Every morning I have a string of words I repeat. Which is strength, power, motivation, determination, understanding to keep holding onto faith. God typically gives me 1 encouraging day for every 7-8 difficult days. Though this time I'm on my 9th difficult day w/o an encouraging one.

 

[sk8brdkd]

I'm going through the same thing tbh. God tries our faith. It's what He does with His children, even though its painful. An untested faith is worth little in the sight of God. Hang in there

Does your trial make sense though or is God being silent?

 

[Petros2015]

Would you understand if I told you that I've experienced over 200+ types of God's peace over the last 2 1/2 yrs.

No, but I would understand that not many could say the same.
My advice would be to say thank you for the portion you were given, if you haven't already (you probably have). Maybe it will return when the expectation for more is let go of. You have definitely had a gift that not many have received. It's withdrawal doesn't mean you've done something wrong, or that it won't come again. But my advice would be to genuinely say thank you without the expectation that it will, because it sounds truly unique.

 

[Petros2015]

There is a novel 1966 called Silence by Shūsaku Endō, it might interest you.

 

[friend of]

Does your trial make sense though or is God being silent?

Not really. I suppose it has something to do with creating humility and dependance, but that's my best guess.

 

[friend of]

Like before, I was very headstrong and self-sufficient. Now I truly know my weakness, and that I can do virtually nothing without God.

 

[sk8brdkd]

I had an experience a couple months ago where 3 different people gave me prophetic words which totally made sense bc it dealt with what I'm going through. The 3rd person, although, I know she was correct, I didn't kno how to follow it. She had told me that I feel like everyone is against me, and that everything is very hard, but, if I just follow the wind, it should be easy.

OK, I believe the wind she's referring to is the holy spirit, but, being everything I've been through, I can't understand how if I follow the holy spirit, how this will magically get easier. I am trying to follow the spirit but there's a whole bunch I don't understand when it comes to following the spirit with what I've explained.

 

[sk8brdkd]

Like before, I was very headstrong and self-sufficient. Now I truly know my weakness, and that I can do virtually nothing without God.

Thanks for sharing.

 

[sk8brdkd]

No, but I would understand that not many could say the same.
My advice would be to say thank you for the portion you were given, if you haven't already (you probably have). Maybe it will return when the expectation for more is let go of. You have definitely had a gift that not many have received. It's withdrawal doesn't mean you've done something wrong, or that it won't come again. But my advice would be to genuinely say thank you without the expectation that it will, because it sounds truly unique.

I have thanked God many times. My issue isnt about not receiving peace at night. My issue is lack of understanding when it comes to staying faithful w/o feeling anything. Thats my issue. And like today has been an extremely difficult day spiritually & I cant figure anything out bc all of this doesn't make sense to me.

 

[Petros2015]

My issue is lack of understanding when it comes to staying faithful w/o feeling anything. Thats my issue. And like today has been an extremely difficult day spiritually & I cant figure anything out bc all of this doesn't make sense to me.

Understood.
I tend to hold onto this one in tough times:

But I think you will find it still matters to someone in the end.

 

[Citizen of the Kingdom]

He does that. Still haven't gotten back the massive encouragement but I think that is how He relates going away and sending new counsel and encouragement in different formats. What remains consistent is the trust gained from the fact He hasn't let me down yet, and I don't ever expect that. The lessons have just gotten deeper and more personal.

 

[aiki]

I have had an extremely difficult christian journey. I have gotten to the point of closing up and not sharing with people anymore bc what I've gone through is completely unrelatable. I've even given up talking to different pastors bc although they listen, they often don't have any advice to give bc they can't relate to what I'm going thru. No one can. I have pressed in for the last 2 1/2 yrs praying wholeheartedly asking for answers and getting silence in return. I feel so alone in what I'm going thru. I have asked God so many times within 3 1/2 yrs to send me someone who's been thru something similar and who can relate to me and it never happens, yet, since I pray and God doesn't give me answers, I keep hoping people will. Am I the only one experiencing this?

Probably not. You'll have to explain more...

For 18 yrs, I'm used to God speaking to me in 2 particular ways and outta nowhere he stopped. It has thrown me for a loop and for the last 2 1/2 yrs, I've been going in circles trying to figure things out. But, they say God is your best friend and you can tell him anything and he'll help u. But, lets say you had a best friend that you spoke to and you both communicated well everyday and then one day, your best friend stopped talking to you. What would you do or think? Would you continue to pursue and press in, or would u get all confused and eventually let them go due to getting no responses and them ignoring you?

Well, what were these ways God spoke to you? Were they the ways God spoke to folk in the record of the Bible? Were they the ways God says He intends to speak to His children today?

God says there is one primary reason for His "going silent" and that is sin. (Psalms 66:18; Isaiah 59:2; 1 Peter 3:1-12) Until we give up the sin we know we ought not to be doing, God has nothing more to say to us - except to repent, confess and return to holy fellowship with Him. (1 John 1:9; James 4:6-10) We never stop being increasingly purified by God in our thinking, desires and conduct; there is no point at which we attain in our practical living to God's holy perfection; He will constantly be pointing at places in our lives that need transformation and cleansing. This is the normal Christian life. But this means the t.v. shows we like to watch may have to go; the movies we enjoy might have to be tossed out; the friends we hang out with might have to be forsaken; the hobbies, and goals, and priorities in which we are invested might have to be abandoned. And God points out these instances of purification on His schedule, not ours, expecting us to obey Him when He makes it clear something has to go. If we don't, if we insist on keeping stuff in our lives God has told us must be abandoned, well, the result is a stifled experience with Him. And, in time, if we allow a backlog of disobedience to build up, things between us and God don't simply halt but begin to slip away into darkness and hardness toward Him. (Ephesians 4:30; Hebrews 3:12-13; Galatians 6:7-8)

God is our "Best Friend" - but only on His terms, not ours. He's God, after all, not just some human chum with whom we are more or less equal. Read Revelation 1:12-18.

Sometimes, too, God simply wants us to grow up. The childish interactions we have with Him spiritually when we are first saved must change, maturing, and leaving behind the "milk" of baby food and carnality of spiritual immaturity. (Hebrews 5:12-14; 1 Corinthians 3:1-3) If we refuse to grow, to move forward into a deeper, holier walk with God, things soon grow stale and cold between us and Him. But this growth involves expanding our knowledge of Him through careful study of His word, memorizing it, and living in accord with it (Psalms 1; Psalms 119:11; Psalms 119:105; 2 Timothy 3:16-17; Matthew 4:4); this growth entails walking constantly by faith in one's identity in Christ and in submission to the Holy Spirit (Romans 6; Romans 12:1; Romans 8:14; James 4:6-10; 1 Peter 5:6-10); this growth requires faith that is reflected in works that manifest the truthful, holy, loving, just character of Christ. (Romans 8:29; Galatians 5:22-23; Ephesians 5:9; James 3:17-18). Spiritual maturity means we no longer rely on feelings, high emotions, or "special moments" with God as the basis of our walk with Him, but live, instead, on the basis of God's promises to us (2 Peter 1:3-4; Romans 6:11; 2 Corinthians 5:7), by faith trusting to His word no matter what we feel or experience, yielding ourselves constantly to His control, by an act of our will standing on what God says is true of us as those who are in Christ (Ephesians 6:10-14; 1 Corinthians 16:13; Galatians 5:1; Philippians 4:1, etc.), more and more living separate from the influence and power of the World, the Flesh and the devil (2 Corinthians 6:14-18; Ephesians 5:1-12; 1 John 2:15-16).

Also yesterday at church, I've always gotten very confused when they say the holy spirits presence is in this room. To me, the holy spirits presence is a feeling, so, to hear them say that, always makes me say no, BC I would feel it.

The Holy Spirit is a Person, not a feeling. He is not some tingling sensation, some emotional release valve, but God Almighty, the Spirit of Christ (Romans 8:9), who acts upon us, as the Person he is, in very particular ways, spelled out in Scripture. The Bible says the Holy Spirit will convict us of sin. (John 16:8); he will illuminate God's truth to us (if we'll study His word - John 16:13; 1 Corinthians 2:10-16); he will strengthen us in times of temptation and trial (Ephesians 3:16; Philippians 2:13; Philippians 4:13; Romans 8:13); he will comfort us (2 Corinthians 1:3-5); he will transform us (Galatians 5:22-23; Ephesians 5:9; 2 Corinthians 3:18) and he will discipline us (Hebrews 12:5-11). These are things the Spirit does to us, independently of our reactions to what He does. This is important to understand because our reactions can be confused and even counterfeit, not actually responding to what the Spirit is doing in us at all, but a religious veneer we put on, pretending to spiritual experiences when, really, we haven't had any.

Let me clarify what I mean, here, because it's important. When the Spirit strengthens us in the face of temptation or trial, there are certain characteristics of his strengthening that distinguish it from our own self-effort: We understand God, the Spirit, better at the end of His strengthening work in us, we go from strength to strength, fueled in our obedience by the infinite power of God, not exhausted by the effort to resist temptation in our own power, and there is lasting, heart-level change; when the Spirit convicts us, we don't merely feel guilty or ashamed, wanting to hide away from God, but overcome with the sense of loss of fellowship with God and desiring intensely to restore that fellowship with Him, quickly confess and forsake our sin; when the Spirit teaches us, he informs our minds, he employs divine Reason and Logic in illuminating our thinking, he opens up our intellect so that we might be more and more like Jesus, enjoy God more fully, and increase our love and edification of the Body of Believers, not form our own private interpretation of Scripture (1 Peter 1:20; Galatians 1:8-9; 1 Timothy 6:3-5) that divides us from the community of believers, contorts God's word and makes us the Final Arbiter of God's Truth. And so on.

When we know what the Spirit does in born-again children of God and how it differs from our counterfeits of his work, we stop being able to deceive ourselves and others about whether or not we are actually indwelt by the Spirit and being transformed by him. When the Spirit ceases to be just a fleeting feeling, a momentary sensation, but a divine Agent who does things to us we can't do for ourselves, who acts upon us in ways we can distinguish from our own imagination and attempts to produce his life by our power, we can finally come free of childish, carnal, spiritual immaturity that depends upon sensual, emotional "experiences" to walk with God.

I continuously tell God that I don't understand how to stay faithful in what I'm experiencing, yet, I know he's refining me and things just continue to get harder and harder and I feel like I'm about to let go and my letting go means that I'm fully going to totally let go of God bc staying faithful right now with what I'm experiencing is absolutely impossible. I have absolutely no idea and God isn't showing up anymore.

Then understand that the way you think you are to walk with God is not the way He says to walk with Him. God is always eager to fellowship with us - but His way, not ours. See above.

I know I'm being vague but thats BC people always shoot me down after I explain what I'm experiencing. Would you understand if I told you that I've experienced over 200+ types of God's peace over the last 2 1/2 yrs. Would u understand if I told you thst God has been putting me thru this renewal provess and I've been experiencing these internal shifts or changes everyday and most days are extremely difficult. Would u understand if I told you that I can literally feel when the Holy Spirit is working in me bc I can Feel it and then a chsnge often takes place. Would you understand if I told you that I had smelled the holy spirit on numerous occasions. I'm in tune with the spirit but faithfulness doesn't come easy.

And here you've illustrated why our own subjective experiences can't be the primary ground of our walk with God. Nowhere does God's word say that the Holy Spirit is a feeling of peace; nowhere does the Bible say the Holy Spirit - a non-physical, immaterial Being - has a smell; no where does the Bible say that when the Spirit is at work in a believer, they will feel a physical sensation of change. Sister, the work of the Spirit is spiritual; that is, his work is apart and above the sensual, outside of the realm of physical sensations and feelings. The Spirit transforms your mind and heart, your desires and thinking, and is actually acting contrary to your fleshly, sensual self in doing so:

Galatians 5:16-17
16 But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh.
17 For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other, to keep you from doing the things you want to do.

Romans 8:5-8
5 For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit set their minds on the things of the Spirit.
6 For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace.
7 For the mind that is set on the flesh is hostile to God, for it does not submit to God’s law; indeed, it cannot.
8 Those who are in the flesh cannot please God.

Romans 7:18
18 For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh; for the willing is present in me, but the doing of the good is not.

2 Peter 2:18-19
18 For, speaking loud boasts of folly, they entice by sensual passions of the flesh those who are barely escaping from those who live in error.
19 They promise them freedom, but they themselves are slaves of corruption*. For whatever overcomes a person, to that he is enslaved.

* (Galatians 6:7-8)

The sensual realm of human existence is tied inextricably to the flesh. And the more the sensuality of the flesh informs your spiritual living, the more sensations and feelings form your walk with God, the less spiritual, the less of the Spirit, there is in that walk with Him.

I'm used to feelings/changes/peace/confirmations thru the holy spirit. What I don't understand is how to stay faithful without feeling anything.

And here you may see the terrible danger, the devastating consequence, of making feelings and sensations an integral part of your life as a disciple of Jesus. Sensations and feelings are not the Spirit; he is higher and greater than the sensual dimension of your existence and intends to deal with you on the immaterial, spiritual plane in which he operates, quite independent of physical sensations and high emotions. The mature believer must walk by faith (a product of the mind, will and the Spirit), not by sight (a physical sense).

Don't get me wrong: Walking with God will touch, at times, your emotions. You'll feel joy, and peace, and love in walking with Him. But these feelings aren't the ground of, or the goal of, walking with God. He is the Ground and Goal of the Christian life, not sensations or high emotions; one can possess Him, or be possessed by Him, and walk in communion with Him without much of any intense, positive emotion and no physical sensations whatever. Certainly, a believer should be able to walk this way with God, trusting to His promises, by faith resting in His truth, content that they are in His hands, loved and kept, no matter what they do, or don't, feel.

If God continues being silent, what do u do? How do u continue stay faithful when nothing is lining up?

Maybe its time to abandon the sort of Christianity you've been chasing after for a walk with God that is more in keeping with His word, that is spiritual rather than sensual, that is by faith rather than sight.

 

[Natto]

Hi Dear,

Perhaps you could read the following vedio link, and it had some English translation. He was ever HK' gangster's head in hk, He shared testimony, God ever used some pasters to look for him, and wanted to convert him, eventually God spoke with him directly. It is just very rare cases. I actually have someone else with experience testimony of "God's direct contact" . But it probably has no English translation, so that I do know if I should post it. The vedio has full story

(I just use Yahoo Translator to translate the intro of his story)

Brother Hong never thought that he would have a relationship with Jesus, because he had already regarded himself as a god. "I am one of the eldest brothers of the underworld gang 14K. There are more than 100,000 subordinates (little brothers) in Hong Kong, and more than one million people around the world follow my command. In the 1970s, I started to get involved in the most profitable drug-trafficking business, and owns the largest disco in Asia. 7 partial companies, underground and online casinos, and even influence European soccer teams to match result for purpose of gamble, all of which are under my jurisdiction, and many police officers and high-ranking officials are my people..." In those days, the powerful and powerful Brother Hong was rampant and all roads were open. Today, he laments that the previous "history of power and water" was actually a history of heinous crimes and filth.

Of course, God knows that to conquer this "big" man requires more careful planning. As a result, more than 50 pastors and Dr. Bai Qi from the seminary were sent to him 14 years ago, paving a path of faith for him. . "One of the pastors asked me: 'You are so powerful, how do you want others to remember you after you die?' This question touched my nerves and made me cry aloud. I knew that I had hurt so many people. I'm not a hero, I'm a scum of earth, why remember me? Then another pastor said to me: "God will make you change slowly!" I can’t count on him, my four wives are the most beautiful women in Hong Kong, the god I worship is very good to me, and I don’t want to change.” Brother Hong didn’t know, the power and sovereignty of “change” or “unchanged” only lies in God, he has absolutely no control


At that time, Hong Hanyi, who was already in depression and unable to extricate himself, needed sedatives and sleeping pills to maintain his sleep for a long time, and the sleeping pills were completely ineffective, and he had suicidal thoughts. One day, while tossing and turning in pain, he saw the Bible on the head of the bed, and he pointed with his finger and said, "Jesus, if you really have you in this world, if you can cure me, let me If I can sleep, then I'm willing to trust you." Before he could finish his words, he fell into a drowsy sleep, having the first peaceful sleep in years. Moreover, from that day on, he could fall asleep as soon as he went to bed, he was very happy, and he had no suicidal thoughts, and often laughed for no reason.

 

[sk8brdkd]

I have a lot to mull over before I respond to what you wrote, but, in order to possibly make my story less vague, I figured I'd share this with you too.

The way I became a Christian. God is the one who found me. It was during youth group this one night. I had what felt like I was being struck by a bolt of lightning, a shockwave went thru me and I was filled with this nervousness. Although it took me awhile, I figured it had something to do with God. Spoke with a pastor who got me reading passages of scripture and listening to Christian music. After about a month or so of studying this and praying, I asked Jesus into my heart. But.. That nervousness remained. I started attending a christian college and learned more in depth. After being a Christian for a year, I began experiencing deep peace from the holy spirit and sometimes that peace lasted for 2 weeks before fading away. That deep nervous feeling didn't actually leave me til 6 yrs later and it was replaced with another feeling that I had for another 8 yrs. At the time, I was struggling with reading the Bible but I often spent 3+ hours in prayer. God often spoke to me audibly/inaudibly/thru peace or confirmations and often times, those answers lined up with what I was going thru. At this christian college, I spoke to this one professor telling them what I was experiencing at that time. She paused before praying asking the holy spirit for wisdom. She stated that what I was feeling was the holy spirit refining me and that once I became a more mature Christian, I would experience even harder tests and she stated that all Christians experience change, but, most can't feel them but for some reason, I can. Anyways, after having those same feelings for 8 yrs, I had my very first real test which I experienced those changes and it lasted for 1 week and at the end of that week, I was left with this spiritual high which I thought was a feeling everyone had, but I had that spiritual high for 3 yrs, and again i often prayed all throughout the day and during the last year of that, I was going thru a breakup and 3 months prior to thst feeling leaving me, I started to drift away. Then the one day, I slowly felt that feeling leave me and started another week of testing with these changes. After that week was over, I was left with a much lesser lifted feeling which threw me for a loop but it was at that time, that I stopped watching TV/movies and playing video games. I had that feeling for 3 weeks in which I failed miserably. Then went into 2 weeks of testing and at the end of that, I felt absolutely nothing for the very first time since becoming a Christian. For 6 monthd, I had that nothingness 'feeling' in which I failed miserably. Every 2-5 days the holy spirit hit me and I began to pray asking him to teach me how to do this and he continued hitting me every 2-5 days for those 6 months. Then started this current test. About 3 months ago, I prayed asking God to give me a word to describe what it was that I was experiencing. After a week of praying and asking, God gave me the word Renewal. I sat on that for awhile and then I went to a church service 2 weeks after that, where I had 2 people I didn't know give me a prophetic word and both coincided with the word Renewal that God told me prior.

Now, I'll tell you, within giving up TV, movies and video games at the end of 2018, only once, 1 week ago, did I start up my Xbox system and I'll tell you, I was very nervous to do so, but I wanted to and for 6 hrs, I experienced deep peace. So, I was given the confirmation that it was OK to do that.

But, everything has been feelings. If God didn't want me to go thru the Christian journey with feelings/emotions, then why is he the one who started me on it but with negative ones? He's the one who has brought me up thru all these different things. Why would Satan do it? He doesn't want me pressing into God. These tests force me to press in more, pray and spend more time with God. Look at that 6 months that I struggled and drifted away. I barely prayed and didn't spend time with him, but, as soon as this test started, it brought me right back and I've been spending many hours in prayer. To me, pure nothingness is not understandable at all although I have been praying for understanding for 3 yrs. I've been doing my very best to follow God and stay faithful but its been extremely difficult. BTW, look up, smelling the holy spirit. It is an actual thing. When I first experienced it back in 2019, I had to look it up and saw I wasn't going crazy, that others have smelled him too. Deep peace is from the holy spirit or Jesus. I've experienced over 200+ types of peace since becoming a christian. I remember, a month after this all started, I prayed asking God to make it clear to me in a way that I know its from him that this test was from him/allowing it. After maybe 5 min, I was filled with the deepest peace, so, just in that, I knew God's answer was yes, that he's allowing it. I also had an experience at college where I received 'false' peace after speaking with a fellow classmate. The peace I had didn't feel right and I went back to my dorm room and prayed over what my classmate told me bc I didn't feel like he was right and I prayed asking if that peace was from God. Soon afterwards, that peace dissipated and then I felt the real deep peace envelop me completely.

This has been my experience. Whether this is how God typically works or not...idk. But this is my experience, my story. If this doesn't line up with anything, idk what to tell u. Jesus is the one who started all of this and I'm doing my best to go with it despite my lack of understanding and I have absolutely no clue how to stay faithful without feelings. All I can say is these changes I'm experiencing, every few weeks, he challenges me to something else. Last summer, as I was praying while walking my dog in the woods, I told God I was stuck and asked him what I should do. I clearly heard him say Read Jeremiah, so, I stopped by the river and started reading jeremiah and it was very relatable. I'm glad he told me to read through that book.

I will respond to what you said but its after 4am and I need to sleep.

Probably not. You'll have to explain more...



Well, what were these ways God spoke to you? Were they the ways God spoke to folk in the record of the Bible? Were they the ways God says He intends to speak to His children today?

God says there is one primary reason for His "going silent" and that is sin. (Psalms 66:18; Isaiah 59:2; 1 Peter 3:1-12) Until we give up the sin we know we ought not to be doing, God has nothing more to say to us - except to repent, confess and return to holy fellowship with Him. (1 John 1:9; James 4:6-10) We never stop being increasingly purified by God in our thinking, desires and conduct; there is no point at which we attain in our practical living to God's holy perfection; He will constantly be pointing at places in our lives that need transformation and cleansing. This is the normal Christian life. But this means the t.v. shows we like to watch may have to go; the movies we enjoy might have to be tossed out; the friends we hang out with might have to be forsaken; the hobbies, and goals, and priorities in which we are invested might have to be abandoned. And God points out these instances of purification on His schedule, not ours, expecting us to obey Him when He makes it clear something has to go. If we don't, if we insist on keeping stuff in our lives God has told us must be abandoned, well, the result is a stifled experience with Him. And, in time, if we allow a backlog of disobedience to build up, things between us and God don't simply halt but begin to slip away into darkness and hardness toward Him. (Ephesians 4:30; Hebrews 3:12-13; Galatians 6:7-8)

God is our "Best Friend" - but only on His terms, not ours. He's God, after all, not just some human chum with whom we are more or less equal. Read Revelation 1:12-18.

Sometimes, too, God simply wants us to grow up. The childish interactions we have with Him spiritually when we are first saved must change, maturing, and leaving behind the "milk" of baby food and carnality of spiritual immaturity. (Hebrews 5:12-14; 1 Corinthians 3:1-3) If we refuse to grow, to move forward into a deeper, holier walk with God, things soon grow stale and cold between us and Him. But this growth means expanding our knowledge of Him through careful study of His word, memorizing it, and living in accord with it (Psalms 1; Psalms 119:11; Psalms 119:105; 2 Timothy 3:16-17; Matthew 4:4); this growth entails walking constantly by faith in one's identity in Christ and in submission to the Holy Spirit (Romans 6; Romans 12:1; Romans 8:14; James 4:6-10; 1 Peter 5:6-10); this growth requires faith that is reflected in works that manifest the truthful, holy, loving, just character of Christ. (Romans 8:29; Galatians 5:22-23; Ephesians 5:9; James 3:17-18). Spiritual maturity means we no longer rely on feelings, high emotions, or "special moments" with God as the basis of our walk with Him, but live, instead, on the basis of God's promises to us (2 Peter 1:3-4; Romans 6:11; 2 Corinthians 5:7), by faith trusting to His word no matter what we feel or experience, yielding ourselves constantly to His control, by an act of our will standing on what God says is true of us as those who are in Christ (Ephesians 6:10-14; 1 Corinthians 16:13; Galatians 5:1; Philippians 4:1, etc.), more and more living separate from the influence and power of the World, the Flesh and the devil (2 Corinthians 6:14-18; Ephesians 5:1-12; 1 John 2:15-16).



The Holy Spirit is a Person, not a feeling. He is not some tingling sensation, some emotional release valve, but God Almighty, the Spirit of Christ (Romans 8:9), who acts upon us, as the Person he is, in very particular ways, spelled out in Scripture. The Bible says the Holy Spirit will convict us of sin. (John 16:8); he will illuminate God's truth to us (if we'll study His word - John 16:13; 1 Corinthians 2:10-16); he will strengthen us in times of temptation and trial (Ephesians 3:16; Philippians 2:13; Philippians 4:13; Romans 8:13); he will comfort us (2 Corinthians 1:3-5); he will transform us (Galatians 5:22-23; Ephesians 5:9; 2 Corinthians 3:18) and he will discipline us (Hebrews 12:5-11). These are things the Spirit does to us, independently of our reactions to what He does. This is important to understand because our reactions can be confused and even counterfeit, not actually responding to what the Spirit is doing in us at all, but a religious veneer we put on, pretending to spiritual experiences when, really, we haven't had any.

Let me clarify what I mean, here, because it's important. When the Spirit strengthens us in the face of temptation or trial, there are certain characteristics of his strengthening that distinguish it from our own self-effort: We understand God, the Spirit, better at the end of His strengthening work in us, we go from strength to strength, fueled in our obedience by the infinite power of God, not exhausted by the effort to resist temptation in our own power, and there is lasting, heart-level change; when the Spirit convicts us, we don't merely feel guilty or ashamed, wanting to hide away from God, but overcome with the sense of loss of fellowship with God and desiring intensely to restore that fellowship with Him, quickly confess and forsake our sin; when the Spirit teaches us, he informs our minds, he employs divine Reason and Logic in illuminating our thinking, he opens up our intellect so that we might be more and more like Jesus, enjoy God more fully, and increase our love and edification of the Body of Believers, not form our own private interpretation of Scripture (1 Peter 1:20; Galatians 1:8-9; 1 Timothy 6:3-5) that divides us from the community of believers, contorts God's word and makes us the Final Arbiter of God's Truth. And so on.

When we know what the Spirit does in born-again children of God and how it differs from our counterfeits of his work, we stop being able to deceive ourselves and others about whether or not we are actually indwelt by the Spirit and being transformed by him. When the Spirit ceases to be just a fleeting feeling, a momentary sensation, but a divine Agent who does things to us we can't do for ourselves, who acts upon us in ways we can distinguish from our own imagination and attempts to produce his life by our power, we can finally come free of childish, carnal, spiritual immaturity that depends upon sensual, emotional "experiences" to walk with God.



Then understand that the way you think you are to walk with God is not the way He says to walk with Him. God is always eager to fellowship with us - but His way, not ours. See above.



And here you've illustrated why our own subjective experiences can't be the primary ground of our walk with God. Nowhere does God's word say that the Holy Spirit is a feeling of peace; nowhere does the Bible say the Holy Spirit - a non-physical, immaterial Being - has a smell; no where does the Bible say that when the Spirit is at work in a believer, they will feel a physical sensation of change. Sister, the work of the Spirit is spiritual; that is, his work is apart and above the sensual, outside of the realm of physical sensations and feelings. The Spirit transforms your mind and heart, your desires and thinking, and is actually acting contrary to your fleshly, sensual self in doing so:

Galatians 5:16-17
16 But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh.
17 For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other, to keep you from doing the things you want to do.

Romans 8:5-8
5 For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit set their minds on the things of the Spirit.
6 For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace.
7 For the mind that is set on the flesh is hostile to God, for it does not submit to God’s law; indeed, it cannot.
8 Those who are in the flesh cannot please God.

Romans 7:18
18 For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh; for the willing is present in me, but the doing of the good is not.

2 Peter 2:18-19
18 For, speaking loud boasts of folly, they entice by sensual passions of the flesh those who are barely escaping from those who live in error.
19 They promise them freedom, but they themselves are slaves of corruption*. For whatever overcomes a person, to that he is enslaved.

* (Galatians 6:7-8)

The sensual realm of human existence is tied inextricably to the flesh. And the more the sensuality of the flesh informs your spiritual living, the more sensations and feelings form your walk with God, the less spiritual, the less of the Spirit, there is in that walk with Him.



And here you may see the terrible danger, the devastating consequence, of making feelings and sensations an integral part of your life as a disciple of Jesus. Sensations and feelings are not the Spirit; he is higher and greater than the sensual dimension of your existence and intends to deal with you on the immaterial, spiritual plane in which he operates, quite independent of physical sensations and high emotions. The mature believer must walk by faith (a product of the mind, will and the Spirit), not by sight (a physical sense).

Don't get me wrong: Walking with God will touch, at times, your emotions. You'll feel joy, and peace, and love in walking with Him. But these feelings aren't the ground of, or the goal of, walking with God. He is the Ground and Goal of the Christian life, not sensations or high emotions; one can possess Him, or be possessed by Him, and walk in communion with Him without much of any intense, positive emotion and no physical sensations whatever. Certainly, a believer should be able to walk this way with God, trusting to His promises, by faith resting in His truth, content that they are in His hands, loved and kept, no matter what they do, or don't, feel.



Maybe its time to abandon the sort of Christianity you've been chasing after for a walk with God that is more in keeping with His word, that is spiritual rather than sensual, that is by faith rather than sight.