My mother, who is a spiritual woman, has always talked about God's free will with humanity. One of the things she talks about is how some people have children that they weren't really supposed to have, which is part of God's "free will". So my question is this: Does God even care about the children who weren't really supposed to be brought into this world? Does he even cover their life? Does he even love them? I just don't see why I should follow a God who doesn't love certain people who weren't supposed to be brought into the world, but "they're here anyways", as my mother puts it. My grandmother is a minister, and I don't know about her views and beliefs on this subject matter.
My uncle is an example of this. His father isn't exactly a good person, and he has some bad genes that were passed down to him. So as a result, he doesn't act right sometimes. My mother has even said that "his mother should have aborted him when she had the chance", and that "some people really do have demon children". I feel like I'm mildly one of those children, since my depression started back in 2019 when my stepfather moved in with me and my mom, and he started to "toughen" me up since I was having attitudes left and right, even with my own mother. It was a really rough process, and it started my depression and suicidal ideation. It did make me tougher, and I stopped having attitudes, but I feel like that was one of the prices I had to pay for being my dad's son. Even my stepfather picked on me for being my dad's son a few times. He doesn't do it anymore though.
I was 15 at the time, which isn't an excuse, but yeah. My dad said that he had a lot of attitudes as well, and I feel like God is punishing me for being my father's son. My grandmother hates my dad since she had to watch her own daughter suffer mentally at the hands of him. He wasn't abusive in any way, but he left me and my mom when I was 2, when caused my mother great stress since she had to work at night-shift corporate jobs.
It really makes me not even want to be alive anymore, since what's the point of living life when I'm already a mistake, and I feel like God views me as one of those "mistake" children, like my uncle. I don't know, can anyone shed some light on this so I know the decision I have to make in the near future? Because if it isn't meant for me to be alive, then I might as well do what I have to do.
My uncle is an example of this. His father isn't exactly a good person, and he has some bad genes that were passed down to him. So as a result, he doesn't act right sometimes. My mother has even said that "his mother should have aborted him when she had the chance", and that "some people really do have demon children". I feel like I'm mildly one of those children, since my depression started back in 2019 when my stepfather moved in with me and my mom, and he started to "toughen" me up since I was having attitudes left and right, even with my own mother. It was a really rough process, and it started my depression and suicidal ideation. It did make me tougher, and I stopped having attitudes, but I feel like that was one of the prices I had to pay for being my dad's son. Even my stepfather picked on me for being my dad's son a few times. He doesn't do it anymore though.
I was 15 at the time, which isn't an excuse, but yeah. My dad said that he had a lot of attitudes as well, and I feel like God is punishing me for being my father's son. My grandmother hates my dad since she had to watch her own daughter suffer mentally at the hands of him. He wasn't abusive in any way, but he left me and my mom when I was 2, when caused my mother great stress since she had to work at night-shift corporate jobs.
It really makes me not even want to be alive anymore, since what's the point of living life when I'm already a mistake, and I feel like God views me as one of those "mistake" children, like my uncle. I don't know, can anyone shed some light on this so I know the decision I have to make in the near future? Because if it isn't meant for me to be alive, then I might as well do what I have to do.