Do I find a new church or stay in this one?

[LaundrySoap]

My ex boyfriend introduced me to the church I go to when we first started dating. I've been going since March of 2022. I've even become a member of the church--this happened a week before we broke up. I've still been going to church, ever since we broke up this past May (we broke up May 13, 2023, and today is August 25, 2023).

My ex us bringing another girl to church. I'm positive they're dating. He sits on the opposite side of the sanctuary and he doesn't come up to talk with me or our mutual friends (I sit with a family I used to live with for a few months, they've been a huge support to me during this time and they're also his friends; he's known them for much longer).

Every week, though, I'm dreading going to church. I'm anxious and when I see him with the other girl, it's like getting slapped. Some weeks are easier than others, but last week I saw him with his girlfriend and another girl, all happy and having a good time. I felt absolutely furious.

My anxiety has been awful; I researched if I could check myself into a psych hospital. I WAS doing better, but seeing him with 2 girls sent me over the edge. I am looking in to getting medication, just temporarily, as I've had bad anxiety long before I even met my ex. This was just the perfect storm.

Some people want me to stay in the church (my friends who currently go there). Others, meaning my mom and my friends mom, think I should leave. (My friend's mom goes to a different church, my mom lives out of state.)

My mind had been STUCK on my ex. I keep thinking about him all week. I'm angry and hurt and it's not FAIR that he gets to move on. I'm skipping a birthday party that I know he's going to he at because I just don't want to hear about his life or see him with his girlfriend.

I've thought of just taking a break. But even the thought of going to a different church, even with my friend's parents, doesn't sit well as I'm not sure about that church. Going to a totally brand new church feels a little better. But I feel like nothing I choose is a good idea. If I leave, I'm leaving my community and friends, with no guarantee I'll be able to find community elsewhere. I'll go to a new church and be a stranger. But if I stay, I'm anxious and angry.

And there's only one service at my church, on Sundays. That's it. So I can't go to a different service.

Like I said, I've thought of taking a break while I get started on medication. But the idea hasn't been feeling good.

 

[Maria Billingsley]

My ex boyfriend introduced me to the church I go to when we first started dating. I've been going since March of 2022. I've even become a member of the church--this happened a week before we broke up. I've still been going to church, ever since we broke up this past May (we broke up May 13, 2022, and today is August 25, 2022).

My ex us bringing another girl to church. I'm positive they're dating. He sits on the opposite side of the sanctuary and he doesn't come up to talk with me or our mutual friends (I sit with a family I used to live with for a few months, they've been a huge support to me during this time and they're also his friends; he's known them for much longer).

Every week, though, I'm dreading going to church. I'm anxious and when I see him with the other girl, it's like getting slapped. Some weeks are easier than others, but last week I saw him with his girlfriend and another girl, all happy and having a good time. I felt absolutely furious.

My anxiety has been awful; I researched if I could check myself into a psych hospital. I WAS doing better, but seeing him with 2 girls sent me over the edge. I am looking in to getting medication, just temporarily, as I've had bad anxiety long before I even met my ex. This was just the perfect storm.

Some people want me to stay in the church (my friends who currently go there). Others, meaning my mom and my friends mom, think I should leave. (My friend's mom goes to a different church, my mom lives out of state.)

My mind had been STUCK on my ex. I keep thinking about him all week. I'm angry and hurt and it's not FAIR that he gets to move on. I'm skipping a birthday party that I know he's going to he at because I just don't want to hear about his life or see him with his girlfriend.

I've thought of just taking a break. But even the thought of going to a different church, even with my friend's parents, doesn't sit well as I'm not sure about that church. Going to a totally brand new church feels a little better. But I feel like nothing I choose is a good idea. If I leave, I'm leaving my community and friends, with no guarantee I'll be able to find community elsewhere. I'll go to a new church and be a stranger. But if I stay, I'm anxious and angry.

And there's only one service at my church, on Sundays. That's it. So I can't go to a different service.

Like I said, I've thought of taking a break while I get started on medication. But the idea hasn't been feeling good.

Maybe consider the reason for attending a service in the first place. God knows the heart. Blessings.

 

[Unqualified]

You move on yourself. Let him go. If he is into fornication let him go. Your just emotionally upset to a level that hurts you. Hopefully you don’t need medication. Don’t even look at him. It hurts because you went too far with him. He wasn’t the one. Relationships are for finding out if you should be married not for being married. A broken heart takes time to heal. If you distract yourself from the pain you won’t keep reopening the wounds. Nothing hurts worse. It tested my mental health a time or two. I didn’t learn though until God chastised me. But when I had a relationship his way, I was blessed. So what your going through is a lesser chastisement, so learn now not to indulge too much. Or have sex before marriage in other words.

 

[godisagardener]

You need to get on with your own life and move on from what is seemingly causing you a great deal of anxiety. If that means leaving your current church for another, out of necessity for your mental health, then you need to find another place to worship. Because that's what you should be doing in church - worshiping God and learning the faith. If your thoughts are consumed with your ex-boyfriend the entire time you're in church, sitting in your pew, then you're not worshiping God. Your mind is everywhere except with God, hearing the sermon and reading your Bible.

To continue to expose yourself to something that hurts you so much is senseless. Things happen in all our lives. They're not always pleasant, they're not always what we want or expect. The only way we can get past such things is to make ourselves move on from them. We need to take that narrow path that brings us to better things. I know it sounds easier than it is, but one step at a time will get you there. Look to the future, don't live in the past. Being a stranger somewhere else will only last a little while. It's better than being anxious and angry.

 

[anetazo]

I would leave the church. Many churches don't nourish their flocks. I'm not knocking churches down. Theirs some decent churches left.
Ephesians chapter 6. Christian people need the gospel armour on. Many hirelings withhold the truth from people. When satan as antichrist comes near future, the congregation is defenseless against antichrist lies and deception.
The spirtual war coming is, words, ideas and concepts. It's knowledge and wisdom of God's word.
Ezekiel chapter 34 is about the shepherds of Israel. Instead of nourishing the flocks. They teach tradition of men and false doctrine.
Wont teach revelation or old testament or they lie about what happened in garden of eden.
Hosea chapter 5. .again, God is not happy with the hirelings. Sugar coat Gods word. Or lie to people, saying, you don't need to understand revelation or old testament.

I studied under pastor Arnold murray and Dennis, shepherds chapel, for 23 years. I'm lucky to have found pastor who teaches sound doctrine and nourish the flock.
I recommend shepherds chapel. Thier on YouTube.
Its your decision. Peace.

 

[LaundrySoap]

It's just not fair. I spent so much time trying to find a new church before I ended up here. And I'm the one who made the commitment to become a member. He hasn't, as far as i know. I'm very possibly more active in the church than he is. And yet I'm the one who has to leave because he shows up once a week to flaunt his new perfect life. It's really not fair that I have to deal with the uncertainty of trying to find a new place to worship on top of all of this.

 

[AlexB23]

It's just not fair. I spent so much time trying to find a new church before I ended up here. And I'm the one who made the commitment to become a member. He hasn't, as far as i know. I'm very possibly more active in the church than he is. And yet I'm the one who has to leave because he shows up once a week to flaunt his new perfect life. It's really not fair that I have to deal with the uncertainty of trying to find a new place to worship on top of all of this.

I understand. Things in life can be unfair, and even the Bible has said that. But a more important verse is that God will be with you, wherever you go (such as switching to a different church). Sometimes you have to be the one to leave a situation, as God wants us to protect our mental health. I'd say move on to a different church. While finding a new church, try streaming the current church you go to online (instead of attending in person, which would bring up the past) until you find a new church.

Joshua 1:9 "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”

 

[LaundrySoap]

Wouldn't God want me to lean on him during times like this, instead of leaving? Because if I really think about it, what if I go to another church, date someone, break up... and have to leave THAT church? In my mind, there's opportunity for "bigger" spiritual growth if I can manage to stay in this church...

I was doing okay if I managed not to see him. And days that I did see him; the first time I saw him with his new gf, I cried at the end of church. But then it got easier, except for last week when I got really angry and cried.

I'm really, really torn up about this. I don't want to go to a new church tomorrow, I want to go to my old church tomorrow. But I've convinced myself that I'm sinning in some way if I do that. My brain has been going around and around all week about this. (I am pretty sure I have OCD so that's not helping.)

What comes to mind is the story of Elizabeth Elliot; an unreached tribe killed her husband, but she went in 2 years later and preached the gospel to them. Or corrie ten boom forgiving the nazi. If they can do these things, why can't I manage to sit across a crowded room from my ex?

 

[AlexB23]

Wouldn't God want me to lean on him during times like this, instead of leaving? Because if I really think about it, what if I go to another church, date someone, break up... and have to leave THAT church? In my mind, there's opportunity for "bigger" spiritual growth if I can manage to stay in this church...

I was doing okay if I managed not to see him. And days that I did see him; the first time I saw him with his new gf, I cried at the end of church. But then it got easier, except for last week when I got really angry and cried.

I'm really, really torn up about this. I don't want to go to a new church tomorrow, I want to go to my old church tomorrow. But I've convinced myself that I'm sinning in some way if I do that. My brain has been going around and around all week about this. (I am pretty sure I have OCD so that's not helping.)

What comes to mind is the story of Elizabeth Elliot; an unreached tribe killed her husband, but she went in 2 years later and preached the gospel to them. Or corrie ten boom forgiving the nazi. If they can do these things, why can't I manage to sit across a crowded room from my ex?

Yes, I have heard the story of Corrie Ten Boom and even watched a documentary about her works to protect the Jews in the Netherlands and forgiving the German soldier, and she is very forgiving and probably one of the most Jesus-like individual who has ever walked the face of the earth in modern times. We can strive to be like Ten Boom, but at the end of the day, if that can be mentally taxing, it is best to avoid a situation.

Tier list

Do's
Best: Try staying at the church and forgiving the man. Maybe seek counseling, if possible. This will hurt emotionally for potentially months, but if you can handle this process, it will make you a stronger person and spirit in your faith and resilience. Try to pray about forgiveness.
2nd best: Forgive the man, and then find another church, and attend your current church online until you find a suitable replacement.

Don'ts
2nd worst: Not forgiving the man, and then leaving your original church on a whim to find another church.
Worst: Letting the problem persist, by not forgiving the man, yet still going to the church he goes to. This may lead to anger or pent-up resentment.

Hopefully you can figure this one out, and we will be there for you on Christian Forums and help you through this scenario.

 

[LaundrySoap]

Thanks man, I really appreciate it. I know I'm sinning by being angry and jealous of him (the anger and jealousy persist all week), but I do know there's a part of me that still cares about him and wants him to be okay. I worry about him sometimes. And I pray for my ability to forgive him, by changing the angle and reminding myself that Jesus forgave me.

I am suddenly reminded of a time when a friend had to forgive his grandfather for something. I met him after everything was said and done, but somehow he was able to forgive his grandpa and later live in the same house as him. So I guess if he can do that, and if corrie ten boom and elisabeth Elliot can do the things they did (im assuming it was mentally taxing for them too), and if Christ can forgive ME, then there's no reason why i can't forgive my ex. It's just extremely difficult, and I think I've been feeding the anger and jealousy instead of feeding the forgiveness, and that's why it's hard. I feel like the faith of the historical Christians I mentioned is better than mine.

 

[AlexB23]

Thanks man, I really appreciate it. I know I'm sinning by being angry and jealous of him (the anger and jealousy persist all week), but I do know there's a part of me that still cares about him and wants him to be okay. I worry about him sometimes. And I pray for my ability to forgive him, by changing the angle and reminding myself that Jesus forgave me.

I am suddenly reminded of a time when a friend had to forgive his grandfather for something. I met him after everything was said and done, but somehow he was able to forgive his grandpa and later live in the same house as him. So I guess if he can do that, and if corrie ten boom and elisabeth Elliot can do the things they did (im assuming it was mentally taxing for them too), and if Christ can forgive ME, then there's no reason why i can't forgive my ex. It's just extremely difficult, and I think I've been feeding the anger and jealousy instead of feeding the forgiveness, and that's why it's hard. I feel like the faith of the historical Christians I mentioned is better than mine.

You are welcome, friend in Christ. Yeah, I feel like the faith of these historical Christians are better than mine also, but I try my best to live up to Christ's ideals. Maybe take a week off of going to church (just go to an online service), to collect your thoughts and talk with someone you trust about what happened, and then next week, forgive your ex, when the time is right. Who knows, you guys might even become friends in an ideal scenario.

 

[com7fy8]

Jesus requires that we love and bless any and all people. Arguing and anger and unforgiveness are against how Jesus Himself loves every person.

Anger can be a deception making me feel I am entitled to sympathy and being told I am the victim. But this anger is my enemy tricking and abusing me.

Your boyfriend is not doing this to you. You say he is your "ex". But you have not really let him go, as I would say you can see. Plus, it is possible you did not make sure with God about if God desired for you to date him.

Become able to make sure with God about what you do . . . please.

But you can make good use of your situation, since you are here.

Possibly you have gotten to know him so you can use this to understand what he needs, and have mercy on him and pray blessing to him.

Plus, he could be a window for seeing how some number of men can seem so convincing that they are so great, but all their talk and toning their voices is a show: they do not know how to love; but they can charm women into falling for them in what is not love. This world's culture teaches women to look for what they want a man to give them, and plenty of men know how to out on the act which promises what they will give a woman. And then women fall in love with the act . . . falling really in love with what they want to use a guy to give to them. But then they find out they don't even know the man!

So you need, then, how our Father is able to make you able to tell the difference, so you can connect with a genuinely humble man . . . someone you need to humble with God, not exalt with a bunch of crazy feelings and emotions and self-seeking expections!

To me, it seems likely that you need to learn with Jesus how to handle a close relationship.

I mean, handle a relationship by giving all things to God in prayer . . . thanking Him for nicer things, and submitting to Him for correction so you do His will with problems.

When we give things to God in prayer, He corrects us and then has us enjoying Him in His peace while He makes us creative in how we take care of any problems.

There is plenty in the Bible to help us with this. And God has people who are mature in His way of loving; these can help you.

So . . . I would say, see who in your church is an example of this, and share with such people. Or find such people wherever you can.

"Going elsewhere can not solve how I am my real problem. I will still be me, no matter where I go."

But I think you need to be where you have people really helping you.

 

[Christopher Range]

My ex boyfriend introduced me to the church I go to when we first started dating. I've been going since March of 2022. I've even become a member of the church--this happened a week before we broke up. I've still been going to church, ever since we broke up this past May (we broke up May 13, 2023, and today is August 25, 2023).

My ex us bringing another girl to church. I'm positive they're dating. He sits on the opposite side of the sanctuary and he doesn't come up to talk with me or our mutual friends (I sit with a family I used to live with for a few months, they've been a huge support to me during this time and they're also his friends; he's known them for much longer).

Every week, though, I'm dreading going to church. I'm anxious and when I see him with the other girl, it's like getting slapped. Some weeks are easier than others, but last week I saw him with his girlfriend and another girl, all happy and having a good time. I felt absolutely furious.

My anxiety has been awful; I researched if I could check myself into a psych hospital. I WAS doing better, but seeing him with 2 girls sent me over the edge. I am looking in to getting medication, just temporarily, as I've had bad anxiety long before I even met my ex. This was just the perfect storm.

Some people want me to stay in the church (my friends who currently go there). Others, meaning my mom and my friends mom, think I should leave. (My friend's mom goes to a different church, my mom lives out of state.)

My mind had been STUCK on my ex. I keep thinking about him all week. I'm angry and hurt and it's not FAIR that he gets to move on. I'm skipping a birthday party that I know he's going to he at because I just don't want to hear about his life or see him with his girlfriend.

I've thought of just taking a break. But even the thought of going to a different church, even with my friend's parents, doesn't sit well as I'm not sure about that church. Going to a totally brand new church feels a little better. But I feel like nothing I choose is a good idea. If I leave, I'm leaving my community and friends, with no guarantee I'll be able to find community elsewhere. I'll go to a new church and be a stranger. But if I stay, I'm anxious and angry.

And there's only one service at my church, on Sundays. That's it. So I can't go to a different service.

Like I said, I've thought of taking a break while I get started on medication. But the idea hasn't been feeling good.

If your anxiety existed even before you met your ex, go on medication. I am not saying that blindly or ignorantly. In 2005, actor Tom Cruise criticized actress Brooke Shields for going on meds for her Post-Partum Depression following the birth of her child.

Brooke Shields Blasts ‘Ridiculous’ Tom Cruise Battle Over Postpartum Depression as Sundance Showers Her New Doc With a Standing Ovation

Brooke Shields' documentary “Pretty Baby" brought the house down with its world premiere at the Sundance Film Festival on Friday.

variety.com

Don't switch congregations' because of your ex being there. Switch IF, the congregation(and denomination) position statements don't agree with you.

On a personal note. After my (ex)wife (physically)left me in 1997, sure I stopped attending the congregation we were married in. But within a year(1998), she told me some despicable things about herself, which. Embolden me to switch partially within the Lutheran denomination(left ELCA and joined an LCMS congregation). That was 25yrs. ago, I haven't looked back. I divorced her in 2000. When she left, I was in tears. But when my divorce was finalized, she was in tears.

 

[LaundrySoap]

Thank you, everyone... I feel like I had sort of a breakthrough this evening. I was talking to my brother about it, and I said, "I'm gonna see him in heaven some day, so I may as well act like we're both on the same journey to get there"

And, idk. I thought about seeing him in heaven and giving him a big hug.

God forgives him, and I am SO GLAD he does. I'm so thankful my ex found God. I'm very proud of him.

I prayed for God to forgive me for my sin. I sat in my car and sobbed.

I think I might be at the point where I can stop thinking about all the things that went wrong and yada yada... and give these feelings to God. It feels like such a mess I'm handing over but I know He can take it.

 

[AlexB23]

Thank you, everyone... I feel like I had sort of a breakthrough this evening. I was talking to my brother about it, and I said, "I'm gonna see him in heaven some day, so I may as well act like we're both on the same journey to get there"

And, idk. I thought about seeing him in heaven and giving him a big hug.

God forgives him, and I am SO GLAD he does. I'm so thankful my ex found God. I'm very proud of him.

I prayed for God to forgive me for my sin. I sat in my car and sobbed.

I think I might be at the point where I can stop thinking about all the things that went wrong and yada yada... and give these feelings to God. It feels like such a mess I'm handing over but I know He can take it.

Amen friend. Am glad that you are feeling a bit better now after praying with God and talking to your brother. God can help your ex, and he can help you. In the end, both of you guys will end up in the same place, God's throne room, so it is good that you asked Him for your forgiveness. Maybe God put you in your ex's life to spread Christianity to him, and then wanted you to forge a new path on your own for a while, until you find another partner, a soulmate for life. If you need anything from us on Christian Forums, once again, we will be there for you.

 

[Faithfulandtrue]

My ex boyfriend introduced me to the church I go to when we first started dating. I've been going since March of 2022. I've even become a member of the church--this happened a week before we broke up. I've still been going to church, ever since we broke up this past May (we broke up May 13, 2023, and today is August 25, 2023).

My ex us bringing another girl to church. I'm positive they're dating. He sits on the opposite side of the sanctuary and he doesn't come up to talk with me or our mutual friends (I sit with a family I used to live with for a few months, they've been a huge support to me during this time and they're also his friends; he's known them for much longer).

Every week, though, I'm dreading going to church. I'm anxious and when I see him with the other girl, it's like getting slapped. Some weeks are easier than others, but last week I saw him with his girlfriend and another girl, all happy and having a good time. I felt absolutely furious.

My anxiety has been awful; I researched if I could check myself into a psych hospital. I WAS doing better, but seeing him with 2 girls sent me over the edge. I am looking in to getting medication, just temporarily, as I've had bad anxiety long before I even met my ex. This was just the perfect storm.

Some people want me to stay in the church (my friends who currently go there). Others, meaning my mom and my friends mom, think I should leave. (My friend's mom goes to a different church, my mom lives out of state.)

My mind had been STUCK on my ex. I keep thinking about him all week. I'm angry and hurt and it's not FAIR that he gets to move on. I'm skipping a birthday party that I know he's going to he at because I just don't want to hear about his life or see him with his girlfriend.

I've thought of just taking a break. But even the thought of going to a different church, even with my friend's parents, doesn't sit well as I'm not sure about that church. Going to a totally brand new church feels a little better. But I feel like nothing I choose is a good idea. If I leave, I'm leaving my community and friends, with no guarantee I'll be able to find community elsewhere. I'll go to a new church and be a stranger. But if I stay, I'm anxious and angry.

And there's only one service at my church, on Sundays. That's it. So I can't go to a different service.

Like I said, I've thought of taking a break while I get started on medication. But the idea hasn't been feeling good.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I had a similar situation about 11 years ago but it was a little different only that I was led on by a guy in our friend group so we weren't officially dating. I fell in love with him hard though. Even our other friends in the group thought he was going to ask me out only to switch his focus on another girl who joined our group. Then they would be dating and sit right in front of me at church. So at least he is being respectful of your feelings in that aspect. I was so hurt and furious, seeing them at church (or anywhere) torn my heart in two. The point of my story though was even though I was so hurt and thought I'd never recover I did. I have meet different guys since then and realized how lame he was. I can say with full confidence that I am over him and healed, and so can you. Don't give up hope! Don't feel guilty for having emotions but process them in a healthy way. cry if you need to cry. Things WILL get better in time. Huge hugs!

Now for my advice. Maybe you can go to another church service temporarily. You don't have to leave your church completely but maybe take a break for a month or two while you heal. Make sure to still go to a church though and ask for prayer for healing during this time of hurt. The worst thing to do is leave the church completely in your time of hurt. That's when the enemy attacks when we isolate completely. Maybe meet up with your church friends and family during the week or after service, while attending another churches Sunday service. Maybe taking a break from seeing your ex can help the healing process. But don't feel like your being pushed out of your home church either. And if your pastor or elders ask why you arent there on Sundays you can tell them how you feel, or not if you don't want to. Hugs