Different life stages in relationship- need advice please

[bumblebee91]

Hi everyone,

My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for about 1.5 years. But I am starting to feel very dissatisfied because it seems like we are in very different places in our lives, and I'm not sure what to do.

I am finishing up my degree at university, have career plans, work (and pay for ALL of my expenses and bills- including cell phone, pets, etc.), volunteer regularly, am involved in the community, own a car and horse (I pay for both), etc. I do live at home, and that is because I can't afford rent just yet (I have financial plans in place so that this will be a possibility in the future). I'm also thinking about things like marriage and how I want to raise my family in the future.

My boyfriend is going to college part-time (after several years of sitting around the house doing whatever he wanted), says he's trying to find a job but months later- nothing yet. He has no idea how to manage money (doesn't know how to use a debit card, blows every cent his parents give him, and has no credit rating), and his parents pay for literally everything. They even drive him to his classes and back everyday. He has no career goals, and things like marriage are still a 'I think I'd like to one day' thing for him. And there are other things, like that he has very 'fancy' tastes because his parents buy that sort of stuff for him.

I'm at a loss for what to do...he's a very nice guy, and very caring, always complimenting and telling me how much he appreciates me and stuff, but I feel like the other stuff isn't there, and he doesn't seem overly motivated to work for anything :S I don't know if I should wait longer and see if he grows up, or if I should even ignore this stuff if the love is there, or if I should take a break from him. What should I do??? I'm worried about getting even more involved with a man who doesn't seem to have a strong work ethic and manages money poorly, etc :S

 

[iambren]

You will be PUSHING him the rest of your life I'm afraid.

 

[peckaboo]

Would you trust this man to provide for your children if something happened to you?

 

[peckaboo]

Oops, just seen that marrieds aren't supposed to post in this forum. I wonder why - I a̶l̶w̶a̶y̶s̶ often (!) appreciated the advice and experience of married people when I was dating. Oh well, feel free to ignore what I posted!

 

[Wookiee]

Oops, just seen that marrieds aren't supposed to post in this forum. I wonder why - I a̶l̶w̶a̶y̶s̶ often (!) appreciated the advice and experience of married people when I was dating. Oh well, feel free to ignore what I posted!

This also confuses me since most married people tend to have gone through the whole dating thing...

 

[bumblebee91]

This also confuses me since most married people tend to have gone through the whole dating thing...

Thanks for your advice! It seems that the best advice would come from marrieds- they've been there/done that and know what's important. Unfortunately, no- if we married I feel that there would be trouble if something happened to me, since I don't see him stepping up to cover the gap. I also have a strong desire to be able to stay home and raise my children, instead of send them to daycare every day, if financially possible- and I am willing to do without the fancy house, car, etc. to make that happen (those things aren't important to me). But I'm not sure this will be a possibility with this guy, since I'll probably be the one working to support him.

I'm also concerned because I'll be starting saving for a house very soon, once I get a job after graduation, and for him that's a ways away yet. So I'll be proportionally paying much more for everything because I've had a 'head start'- but only because I work very hard and have never taken years off to just relax and lounge about.

iambren- I'm afraid of that too. It seems that unless I am pushing him to do something, he just won't. That includes work, school, paying for his own stuff, even making plans to get together. Unless I initiate, I won't see him for weeks at a time (even more so because he has to borrow his parent's cars), and when he DOES make plans it's always around his schedule and not mine- even though I always have a tonne of stuff on my plate and he doesn't.

Ahhhh I don't know what to do. I wish I wouldn't get involved with guys when I have concerns right from the start- it's not the first time I've done this either!

 

[peckaboo]

It sounds like you already know the answer to your problem.

He's not going to suddenly become responsible or reliable just because you're married, and you will end up sacrificing your dreams to spend the rest of your life trying to motivate him. You sound like a responsible, mature adult - do you want to spend the rest of your life being a parent to your husband, or do you want a husband who you can respect and rely on to be your partner?

 

[RickyMargan]

[FONT=&quot]Truly a pathetic condition. You must suggest your partner to find out some money making ways, otherwise your future will be under threat. The better one will be that you must discuss the matter seriously once more and try to make your partner understand your desires and feelings. Otherwise you have to think differently. In this concern I may suggest you the name of Christian Online for better assistance. Thanks for the conversation.[/FONT]

 

[Bumble Bee]

Hi everyone,

My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for about 1.5 years. But I am starting to feel very dissatisfied because it seems like we are in very different places in our lives, and I'm not sure what to do.

I am finishing up my degree at university, have career plans, work (and pay for ALL of my expenses and bills- including cell phone, pets, etc.), volunteer regularly, am involved in the community, own a car and horse (I pay for both), etc. I do live at home, and that is because I can't afford rent just yet (I have financial plans in place so that this will be a possibility in the future). I'm also thinking about things like marriage and how I want to raise my family in the future.

My boyfriend is going to college part-time (after several years of sitting around the house doing whatever he wanted), says he's trying to find a job but months later- nothing yet. He has no idea how to manage money (doesn't know how to use a debit card, blows every cent his parents give him, and has no credit rating), and his parents pay for literally everything. They even drive him to his classes and back everyday. He has no career goals, and things like marriage are still a 'I think I'd like to one day' thing for him. And there are other things, like that he has very 'fancy' tastes because his parents buy that sort of stuff for him.

I'm at a loss for what to do...he's a very nice guy, and very caring, always complimenting and telling me how much he appreciates me and stuff, but I feel like the other stuff isn't there, and he doesn't seem overly motivated to work for anything :S I don't know if I should wait longer and see if he grows up, or if I should even ignore this stuff if the love is there, or if I should take a break from him. What should I do??? I'm worried about getting even more involved with a man who doesn't seem to have a strong work ethic and manages money poorly, etc :S

I was in the same situation with my bf. Go with your heart, but I would strongly encourage you to avoid committing to him. Don't marry him until you are both in that place. I honestly believe the man should be the one to provide, and if he can't do that, he's not ready for marriage.

 

[JojotheBeloved]

You can't expect him to be anything but what he already is, and you can't work hard enough for both of you - as far as relational work is concerned anyway; I'm not talking financially (although that might be the case as well). Especially if you are not desiring to be the main provider for your family and you don't expect him to be a responsible stay at home father, you're probably better off letting this person go. It's better to part ways than for you to feel you have to drag him along and it's not really fair to him to feel like you're always controlling or pushing him either. He may or may not grow out of the current behaviors he's exhibiting, but a) how would you feel or what would you do if he never changed? and b) even if he does, it will probably take years... do you really want to wait that long if you're ready to start a family sooner rather than later?

 

[pittsflyer]

It sounds like you 2 are at the same stages in life but you just put a negitive spin on him for what ever reason. You still live at home so that is saving you ALOT of money and you are using a significant portion of your income to pay for a horse. I know how much horses cost (boarding, food, etc etc) and those costs probably make your boyfriends "fancy" tastes look like pocket change. Unless your parents have a ranch and board the horse for you (in which case that is SUPER spoiled so you have no room to slam your boy friend). You having a horse kind of takes the wind out of your sails, being able to own and ride a horse (especially if its a nice horse) is an extreme privilage of wealthy people.

I mean you dont need a reason to dump your boy friend. You can dump him and go ride your horse and go to school and work your part time job, its not agasint the law.

Hi everyone,

My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for about 1.5 years. But I am starting to feel very dissatisfied because it seems like we are in very different places in our lives, and I'm not sure what to do.

I am finishing up my degree at university, have career plans, work (and pay for ALL of my expenses and bills- including cell phone, pets, etc.), volunteer regularly, am involved in the community, own a car and horse (I pay for both), etc. I do live at home, and that is because I can't afford rent just yet (I have financial plans in place so that this will be a possibility in the future). I'm also thinking about things like marriage and how I want to raise my family in the future.

My boyfriend is going to college part-time (after several years of sitting around the house doing whatever he wanted), says he's trying to find a job but months later- nothing yet. He has no idea how to manage money (doesn't know how to use a debit card, blows every cent his parents give him, and has no credit rating), and his parents pay for literally everything. They even drive him to his classes and back everyday. He has no career goals, and things like marriage are still a 'I think I'd like to one day' thing for him. And there are other things, like that he has very 'fancy' tastes because his parents buy that sort of stuff for him.

I'm at a loss for what to do...he's a very nice guy, and very caring, always complimenting and telling me how much he appreciates me and stuff, but I feel like the other stuff isn't there, and he doesn't seem overly motivated to work for anything :S I don't know if I should wait longer and see if he grows up, or if I should even ignore this stuff if the love is there, or if I should take a break from him. What should I do??? I'm worried about getting even more involved with a man who doesn't seem to have a strong work ethic and manages money poorly, etc :S

 

[Thewordistruth]

Just wondering bumblebee91 if you have talked to God about this? What has God shown you through His word? Have you talked to any christian elders in your church about your thoughts?