Dealing with spouses additions and depression

[pat4545]

@pat4545, your html tags are all awry. I'll try to reply as best I can and if I miss something you've posted then just post it again.

The reason her acknowledgement is important is because that is the first step to change. People who do not acknowledge a problem exists do not change. They see no need to change. The next step is for them to set about a few goals relevant to their acknowledged need to change. Simply put, if a person does not know where they are going then they will not get there.

The question, "How do you love her?" has to be answered with more substance than the answer provided. It needs to be answered practically, or practicably. Take, for example, the 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 passage. Scripture always operationalizes love; it does not assert love merely as an emotion or feeling, or a warm oogly sensation in your body. Love is kind. When a person is not kind they are not loving. Love is patient, forbearing, hopeful, trusting, etc. Gary Chapman's book, "The Five Love Languages" is good because it operationalizes love and helps the reader understand how they and their partner experience love. This is important because most husbands and most wives experience love differently from one another. The five "languages" of love are words of affirmation, physical (nonsexual) touch, quality time, gifts, and acts of service. People tend to love others the way they want to be loved and those who grew up in homes where love was not well-expressed may have difficulty doing so when they marry and the demands of intimacy come to bear on their relationship. If, for example, you are a "gifts" kind of guy and your wife is an "acts" kind of gall then you could gift her and gift her and gift her until you were bankrupt, but she may never feel loved because she doesn't recognize that language...... and vice versa. There's an abbreviated online test that can help each of you understand your own love language. "Love" is simply a word we use to indicate value. I value you in a unique way that I do not share or give anyone else. That is what we're supposed to be doing in marriage: valuing each other in an exclusive, unique, and increasingly intimate way. We get wed in ten minutes. It takes a lifetime to love one person.

Common ground: Where people have agreement they have relationship. Where they do not have agreement, they do not have relationship. Common ground is necessary. I assume you both agree depression is not good for a marriage. That would be common ground. However, it would be "negative" common ground. What is something "positive" or something goal-oriented upon which the two of you agree and/or can mutually and collaboratively pursue. For example, what forms of physical intimacy are agreed upon in this marriage. Every couple explores this and comes to some degree, large or small, expressly verbal or not, on this topic. Are public displays of affection allowed, and if so then what, specifically. most women do not want to b fondled in public and some husbands have to have the difference between fondling and groping explained to them. Common ground can be mundane, like who does what chores. In my house whoever cooks does not do the dishes and the dishes are done before going to bed. How do we pay the bills (50/50 or as a percentage of income?). Are finances pooled, wholly separated, or divided three ways (pooled with a small portion set aside for each individual to do with as they wish)? How and when do we talk about things we do not like, which is really nothing more than how and when can we discuss real or perceived need for change? Most arguments are nothing more than 1) a need for change, and/or 2) a plea for value and affection. Few things in life are as powerful as feeling heard. Your wife will never again be heard by her father (if she ever was in the first place) . Start small. Most couples were on their best behavior during courtship. If you knew how crazy I am you wouldn't love me (and if you don't love me then you're never going to marry me or allow me to marry you ). The two of you will eventually have to sort out what's always been there versus what was triggered by her father's demise. That's not easy for anyone.

I'm going to stop here because this post is long, and I've got to go soon but I'll return to further elaborate. My question about exercise is designed to get you to think about how what you do makes you a better husband, not just how life is better when you're fit, or when endorphins are pumped into your system. If something does not help you be a better husband then maybe it should be put aside, at least for a season. Think of the question in a different way: How does X help you be a better Christian? Reading the Bible should be a helpful something. Watching slasher horror movies may not. I was a big "gym rat" when my wife and I met. As we dated longer and longer going to the gym for a workout, dinner afterwards, and movie (or whatever) became a part of our courtship. However, I had to make adjustment because apart from here I might spend two hours four days in a row, take one day off and then repeat.... so left to my own devices I was spending a lot of time in the gym. That wasn't possible when I got married and even less so when we started having kids. Even less so when I went back to grad school. If an hour at the gym is recompensed with an hour doing something of service for my wife, or deliberate time spent affirming her and her hobbies then that might be an example of how exercising has a positive benefit on the marriage but if that's done rotely it's not actually me being a better husband. That would be me being a better mechanic of surgeon in my marriage, not a better lover.


In review:

• Discuss the problem(s) and reach a shared understand of the problem(s), or at least a few of the things needing improvement.
• Reconceptualize them into goals to pursue together. You or she may have to work on one goal more than the other person, but with another goal the proportions may be reversed. My wife cannot stop me from being angry, but she can provide me with a relationship and support that empowers me to take more of the onus on myself knowing she has my back.
• Figure out practical ways to value one another, ways that are observable and measurable so that you know it happened, she knows it happened, you know she knows it happened and she knows you know it happened . Whatever else is going on in your lives you can always love her. I would venture to say this is a great deal of the Christian life because regardless of whatever else it is God has me doing in service to Him..... I am God's agent of His love for that woman I married, and it's taken me thirty years to figure that out and I'm still learning.
• Parallel to the pursuit of goals, and the loving that ideally the two of you are learning to do, there's the establishing of common ground. That's not going to happen without opening your mouths and speaking with one another. It's not going to happen without closing your mouths and actively listening to one another, either. So, one of the good place to start might be a collaborative reading of a book on basic marital communication. I recommend "Boundaries Face to Face," by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. It's a simple and fast read. No chapter is longer than three or four pages. you learn something, she learns something, and then the two of you take turns discussing what you've learned, affirming one another and expressing gratitude, and you grow common ground in the process. Another book I recommend is "Letters to Philip." There's a companion tome for wives, but I've not found that is as effective with couples, especially younger ones (the book was written in the 1960s).
• Think about what helps you be a better husband. Do more of what helps, less of what obstructs.

Understand that all of the above is going to be win-win for you. You get to be a better man, period. I have no idea whether or not the two of you will salvage the marriage (you cannot do it alone) but I am rooting for you. If the marriage fails you are going to hurt. I don't mean to be insensitive, but I don't care. Put on your big boy panties, put the bit in your mouth and start acting like an adopted son of The Most High God....... whether you are successful saving the marriage or not. Most folks remarry. You may not. Most folks don't want to consider the prospect fresh off a divorce (and that's generally a good idea). Some fools rush back into another marriage and repeat their mistakes because they haven't learned about themselves. The above is for the two of you but you do your part and you'll be better for doing so. Along the way your wife will benefit, even if she does not heal from what I suspect is a bereavement gone awry (keep in mind it's completely inappropriate for anyone who hasn't met your wife and heard from her to diagnose her and start prescribing treatment. All of the above is good for any marriage and, sadly, most of our parents did not teach us these things. Take what you can from the above and put the rest on the proverbial back burner until it's useful or not needed.

Gotta go. Blessings and hope

Goals -
I have talked many of times about making goals and getting her to make a list to help her remember. She thinks making a list of goals is a waste of time. So that's how that convo ends.

Gifts-
I have also brought gifts flower etc, clothes I have even offered to do a lot of things but most of the time she just wants to be left alone.. I try to touch her hug her a lot and most of the time its just leave me alone.

Common Ground -
Common ground really has went down she has her own unreasonable expectations. Exact words are I should be able to have a unlimited budget sort of thing. And the list goes on.

Bills -
I pay all the bills piratically. She has bought some of her own clothes. As for everything else I have paid. She has went into massive debt about 5 times. And a few times roughly put us into a hole of more than $100,000. As for cooking and cleaning she hardly does anything. I cook or she orders out food or orders food or goes get food then will lie to me about it. Not to long ago there was 5 days in a row where she didn't eat anything till I found all the fast food bags in the trash.

Better person -
Everyday I wake up one of the first things on my mind is how can I do better or be a better person. As for working out its more of a early morning thing or middle day thing basically when she is not around. I always tell her I can make time but you have to be reasonable. Example would be if she wants to take a long lunch with me in the afternoon and I do not having any meetings planned. On average maybe 10-20 meetings a month. I am more flexible then most people to give you any idea.


I do like your common ground and common goals I am a big believer on that and since her goals have changed more I think I will try to focus on that. As for our marriage I am already hurt and it really has made my work and other things in my life suffer its been difficult but at the same time I am still trying. As for the bereavement I am going to try to mention it to the therapist or have her mention it. So far she said she likes the new therapist and that's a first but also the new therapist seems to be doing better so far than all the other ones. Thank you again.

 

[Josheb]

In her opinion she thinks the bible is a joke and doesn't believe it at all. She use to be more religious but along the way she doesn't want to hear one word out of it. I have to be careful what I say around her otherwise it turns into as nasty fight.

Does she believe a big-G God exists, or is she atheist?

It matters.

I completely agree that with the change. If people want something bad enough they will find a way most of the time. She wasn't always this way, she has just gotten worse and changed over the years into something worse.

In light of this new information your best play, imho, is to spend much time in prayer for her salvation and model Christ as best you can if you wish to remain wed and repair the marriage (or, more accurately, form it).

I'll return to address some of the latter parts of Post 17, but I'll also wait until I read more about her religious disposition. I've assumed you both were at some point regenerate believers and if that is not the case then the "rules" are different. The regenerate are (ontologically) different than the unregenerate and it is inappropriate to expect the unregenerate to act like a regenerate. Doing so will only frustrate you both more, not less.

Still, some degree of consensus on what marriage looks like is necessary and that will require more than one (goal-oriented) conversation.

 

[Rescued One]

In her opinion she thinks the bible is a joke and doesn't believe it at all. She use to be more religious but along the way she doesn't want to hear one word out of it. I have to be careful what I say around her otherwise it turns into as nasty fight.

I've spent my whole life trying to be careful with my words with parents, siblings, etc. IT's lonely in such situations. More prayers for you.

 

[pat4545]

Does she believe a big-G God exists, or is she atheist?

It matters.

In light of this new information your best play, imho, is to spend much time in prayer for her salvation and model Christ as best you can if you wish to remain wed and repair the marriage (or, more accurately, form it).

I'll return to address some of the latter parts of Post 17, but I'll also wait until I read more about her religious disposition. I've assumed you both were at some point regenerate believers and if that is not the case then the "rules" are different. The regenerate are (ontologically) different than the unregenerate and it is inappropriate to expect the unregenerate to act like a regenerate. Doing so will only frustrate you both more, not less.

Still, some degree of consensus on what marriage looks like is necessary and that will require more than one (goal-oriented) conversation.

Is she a believer ?? I'm leaning towards no since she doesn't take things very seriously, and with the things she said. It hasn't really been a conversation we had.

 

[pat4545]

the title should say addictions not additions

 

[Josheb]

the title should say addictions not additions

Understood

Is she a believer ?? I'm leaning towards no since she doesn't take things very seriously, and with the things she said. It hasn't really been a conversation we had.

I would ask, and ask in a sympathetic, genuinely interested, and inviting way because 1) the opportunity for life-changing salvation may arise (either as the moment a seed was planted or the moment of harvest), and 2) it's not wise to expect the unregenerate to behave like the regenerate. Any mistaken expectations on your part will hurt you, not just her and the relationship. Expect an addict to act like an addict, a person with depression to act depressed, and the bereaved to grieve.

Anyone teach you how to do that?

Probably not. So, you're going to have to go find the necessary resources and start learning. Celebrate Recovery is for spouses as well as users/addicts. See if there's a group in your locale. Do the same with Griefshare. If she's not a Christian (as you and I understand the term), then perhaps visit the local municipal Women's Center, if available. It may be secular but they ought to be able to provide resource recommendations specifically for women. You may not be able to get much over the telephone because many of the women using their resources have been abused by men and the staff don't easily give out information to men who may be predators and stalk their wife or girlfriend by finding the meetings. Wash, shave, dress well, put on some cologne, and go ask in person. Take brochures you can give to your wife. Since most of these kinds of resources are online nowadays consider letting your keyboard do the work in Holmes County and printing up a few webpages to give to your wife.

Get yourself connected. Since the marriage cannot be relied upon for support you'll likely benefit from regular fellowship and one or two same sex confidants. Men need men.

I see Post 21. I'll attend to it momentarily.

 

[Josheb]

Goals -
I have talked many of times about making goals and getting her to make a list to help her remember. She thinks making a list of goals is a waste of time. So that's how that convo ends.

Then make a few goals for yourself AND a few (separate) goals for your marriage. For example,

Goal 1: Get connected. I will attend church on Sundays, a small group and or Bible Study during the week and meet with an elder or pastor to tell him about my situation and see if he can recommend one or two men with whom I can develop a confidential prayer/accountability friendship.

Goal 2: I will research healthy self-care skills that include but are not limited to my spiritual disciplines of prayer, Bible reading, worship, fellowship, giving, service, etc. (Disciplines of a Godly Man, Spiritual Disciplines for the Christian Life).

Goal 3: Read about grief to better understand the problem and potential solutions (such as Bearing the Unbearable or It's Okay That You're Not Okay).

Goal 4: Read about sexual addiction to better understand the problem and potential solutions (such as She Has a Secret, Facing Heartbreak, Sex Addiction 101, Hope and Recovery, etc.).​

The concept is simple: If you do not know where you are going then you will definitely not get there. Set some goals, work to achieve them, and the replace accomplished ones with new ones. At age 29 this is an early life lesson all people, especially men, must learn.

Gifts-
I have also brought gifts flower etc, clothes I have even offered to do a lot of things but most of the time she just wants to be left alone.. I try to touch her hug her a lot and most of the time its just leave me alone.

Give Gary Chapman's "The Five Love Languages" a read. If the effort is going to go unrewarded and not reciprocated, then prepare yourself for that and learn how to love for your well-being and any prospective future relationship. Take the quiz. Twice! Once answering the way you speculate your wife might (based on your dating period not just the current conditions), and then again for yourself. Once you know hers then you'll know what she likes most, and once you know yours then you'll know what to ask for.

Common Ground -
Common ground really has went down she has her own unreasonable expectations. Exact words are I should be able to have a unlimited budget sort of thing. And the list goes on.

Look at that "answer." It's not an answer to the question asked and it most definitely is not a goal-oriented or solution-oriented response. It's a problem-focused excuse. Stop it. LOOK at it because it is evidence hurt people hurt people. She's hurting so you get hurt and then you can't see the forest for the trees.

Bills -
I pay all the bills piratically. She has bought some of her own clothes. As for everything else I have paid. She has went into massive debt about 5 times. And a few times roughly put us into a hole of more than $100,000. As for cooking and cleaning she hardly does anything. I cook or she orders out food or orders food or goes get food then will lie to me about it. Not to long ago there was 5 days in a row where she didn't eat anything till I found all the fast food bags in the trash.

Then what comes next is going to be tough: Separate your finances and establish a budget. She gets an allowance and so do you. Any prospect of pooled and shared finances is predicated on 1) her getting treatment and 2) her accomplishing some mutually agreed upon goals. Read the "Boundaries" series books!!! Stop enabling dysfunctional behavior and expecting functional alternatives.

Prepare yourself for her acting out. It's what the hurt, addicted, and grieving do. If she does that in ways that find her money, then things will get much worse than they are now and you're going to be facing much more difficult decisions. Menton me, @ Josheb, in this board if that happens and if I'm around I'll offer some recommendations accordingly. For now, let's focus on getting you to be the guy you and God want you to be and providing the opportunity for your wife's healing and the marriage's recovery.

Better person -
Everyday I wake up one of the first things on my mind is how can I do better or be a better person. As for working out its more of a early morning thing or middle day thing basically when she is not around. I always tell her I can make time but you have to be reasonable. Example would be if she wants to take a long lunch with me in the afternoon and I do not having any meetings planned. On average maybe 10-20 meetings a month. I am more flexible then most people to give you any idea.

That is excellent. Build on that in practical, practicable ways.

I do like your common ground and common goals I am a big believer on that and since her goals have changed more I think I will try to focus on that.

The word "marriage" means "to join." We got "engaged" (joined), had a "wedding" (joined," and now we have a "marriage" (joining). Two people can get wed in ten minutes, but it takes a lifetime to be successfully married, and no matter how good and strong the marriage may seem.... it can be undone in an instant with a single thoughtless (or deliberate) word or act.

I'm not there to observe for myself but, based on these posts, I think it fair to say you do not actually have a marriage and the marriage may have been enjoined disingenuously because a healthy marriage requires both spouses to work 100%, and when one spouse is overt and deliberate about NOT working maritally then that's an indication of falsehood. Those words are not intended to empower or justify any notion you get to leave. Marriage is work. It is exhausting. It is supposed to be redemptive, but the redemptive quality is supposed to be mutual.

Since it is not currently mutual then attend to your well-being because you being a better guy makes you a better partner and will armor and insulate you (at least a little) for what lies ahead.

As for our marriage I am already hurt and it really has made my work and other things in my life suffer its been difficult but at the same time I am still trying. As for the bereavement I am going to try to mention it to the therapist or have her mention it. So far she said she likes the new therapist and that's a first but also the new therapist seems to be doing better so far than all the other ones. Thank you again.

You might consider getting some counsel one-on-one for yourself.

I haven't focused on this because it's sort of "advanced" content, but you might also learn about attachment (Attached, Hold Me Tight, Created for Connection). It appears there are very serious deficits on your wife's part developmentally. Knowing about it might help but it's not something you can do a lot about without outside help. There are workbooks for everything I have posted, and I know the above is a lot of reading, a lot of information to be learned in a stressful, hurting environment where you may not have much time. Don't take this the wrong way but I do not care. I don't mean I don't care about you or your wife. I mean I have no regard for excuses or obstacles (real or perceived). Do what it takes. Do what it takes, realizing the first change is accepting what is, and the second change is realizing the work makes you better whether the marriage survives or not. Otherwise, the pain continues, worsens, and the likely end is you end up looking like your wife. Misery loves company. This is why you need to reconnect yourself with good men you can trust and rely upon, a small group of people who will support you without the need to know every little detail of your anger, resentment, loneliness, sadness, ineffectiveness, etc., and you taking care of yourself because it's impossible to love your wife as you love yourself if you do not love yourself.

Love is not a warm, fuzzy sensation in our body. Love is a thing we do.

Ask the forum(s) to pray for your marriage (short and sweet with little specifics).

My wife's dad died right after we got married within months. She became really depressed, basically stays in bed all day, and started a porn addiction. She doesn't want me to touch pretty at all, she just wants me to leave her alone. She hardly helps out around the house or visits her own family. She does come out every once in a while, she does have a full time job which helps get her out. She does nothing around the house basically. I love her very much but feel horrible and think I am failing because no matter how many conversations we have had we just can't seem to find common ground. Please pray for us.​

Maybe clean it up a little so it doesn't read like your wife's evil incarnate . KISS! Put some of this in action and come back to the thread when some change has occurred.

 

[Rescued One]

My wife's dad died right after we got married within months. She became really depressed, basically stays in bed all day, and started a porn addiction. She doesn't want me to touch pretty at all, she just wants me to leave her alone. She hardly helps out around the house or visits her own family. She does come out every once in a while, she does have a full time job which helps get her out. She does nothing around the house basically. I love her very much but feel horrible and think I am failing because no matter how many conversations we have had we just can't seem to find common ground. Please pray for us.

How can she stay in bed all day with a full time job? Do you know where she works and what she does or is that a secret?

 

[Rescued One]

I don't believe you are failing because you are TRYING. We face trials in life that only God can solve.

 

[pat4545]

How can she stay in bed all day with a full time job? Do you know where she works and what she does or is that a secret?

You missed the word - "basically" also I stated the job earlier in notes too. And yes that is a secret with some of the weirdos on the internet today and trolling etc some information I am not willing to give out. I am assuming your asking for good intentions and not its nothing related with the porn industry or PG-13 or R rated or strip club or anything like that. Its a very PG sort of job.

 

[pat4545]

I don't believe you are failing because you are TRYING. We face trials in life that only God can solve.

Sometimes God lets people down too or tests them, and to have a solution or miracle you gotta be the miracle. Plus I don't like waiting on others as waiting on somethings in life gets you nowhere that's why I am out looking for a solution.

 

[pat4545]

Then make a few goals for yourself AND a few (separate) goals for your marriage. For example,

Goal 1: Get connected. I will attend church on Sundays, a small group and or Bible Study during the week and meet with an elder or pastor to tell him about my situation and see if he can recommend one or two men with whom I can develop a confidential prayer/accountability friendship.​

​

Goal 2: I will research healthy self-care skills that include but are not limited to my spiritual disciplines of prayer, Bible reading, worship, fellowship, giving, service, etc. (Disciplines of a Godly Man, Spiritual Disciplines for the Christian Life).​

​

Goal 3: Read about grief to better understand the problem and potential solutions (such as Bearing the Unbearable or It's Okay That You're Not Okay).​

​

Goal 4: Read about sexual addiction to better understand the problem and potential solutions (such as She Has a Secret, Facing Heartbreak, Sex Addiction 101, Hope and Recovery, etc.).​

The concept is simple: If you do not know where you are going then you will definitely not get there. Set some goals, work to achieve them, and the replace accomplished ones with new ones. At age 29 this is an early life lesson all people, especially men, must learn.

Give Gary Chapman's "The Five Love Languages" a read. If the effort is going to go unrewarded and not reciprocated, then prepare yourself for that and learn how to love for your well-being and any prospective future relationship. Take the quiz. Twice! Once answering the way you speculate your wife might (based on your dating period not just the current conditions), and then again for yourself. Once you know hers then you'll know what she likes most, and once you know yours then you'll know what to ask for.

Look at that "answer." It's not an answer to the question asked and it most definitely is not a goal-oriented or solution-oriented response. It's a problem-focused excuse. Stop it. LOOK at it because it is evidence hurt people hurt people. She's hurting so you get hurt and then you can't see the forest for the trees.

Then what comes next is going to be tough: Separate your finances and establish a budget. She gets an allowance and so do you. Any prospect of pooled and shared finances is predicated on 1) her getting treatment and 2) her accomplishing some mutually agreed upon goals. Read the "Boundaries" series books!!! Stop enabling dysfunctional behavior and expecting functional alternatives.

Prepare yourself for her acting out. It's what the hurt, addicted, and grieving do. If she does that in ways that find her money, then things will get much worse than they are now and you're going to be facing much more difficult decisions. Menton me, @ Josheb, in this board if that happens and if I'm around I'll offer some recommendations accordingly. For now, let's focus on getting you to be the guy you and God want you to be and providing the opportunity for your wife's healing and the marriage's recovery.

That is excellent. Build on that in practical, practicable ways.

The word "marriage" means "to join." We got "engaged" (joined), had a "wedding" (joined," and now we have a "marriage" (joining). Two people can get wed in ten minutes, but it takes a lifetime to be successfully married, and no matter how good and strong the marriage may seem.... it can be undone in an instant with a single thoughtless (or deliberate) word or act.

I'm not there to observe for myself but, based on these posts, I think it fair to say you do not actually have a marriage and the marriage may have been enjoined disingenuously because a healthy marriage requires both spouses to work 100%, and when one spouse is overt and deliberate about NOT working maritally then that's an indication of falsehood. Those words are not intended to empower or justify any notion you get to leave. Marriage is work. It is exhausting. It is supposed to be redemptive, but the redemptive quality is supposed to be mutual.

Since it is not currently mutual then attend to your well-being because you being a better guy makes you a better partner and will armor and insulate you (at least a little) for what lies ahead.

You might consider getting some counsel one-on-one for yourself.

I haven't focused on this because it's sort of "advanced" content, but you might also learn about attachment (Attached, Hold Me Tight, Created for Connection). It appears there are very serious deficits on your wife's part developmentally. Knowing about it might help but it's not something you can do a lot about without outside help. There are workbooks for everything I have posted, and I know the above is a lot of reading, a lot of information to be learned in a stressful, hurting environment where you may not have much time. Don't take this the wrong way but I do not care. I don't mean I don't care about you or your wife. I mean I have no regard for excuses or obstacles (real or perceived). Do what it takes. Do what it takes, realizing the first change is accepting what is, and the second change is realizing the work makes you better whether the marriage survives or not. Otherwise, the pain continues, worsens, and the likely end is you end up looking like your wife. Misery loves company. This is why you need to reconnect yourself with good men you can trust and rely upon, a small group of people who will support you without the need to know every little detail of your anger, resentment, loneliness, sadness, ineffectiveness, etc., and you taking care of yourself because it's impossible to love your wife as you love yourself if you do not love yourself.

Love is not a warm, fuzzy sensation in our body. Love is a thing we do.

Ask the forum(s) to pray for your marriage (short and sweet with little specifics).

My wife's dad died right after we got married within months. She became really depressed, basically stays in bed all day, and started a porn addiction. She doesn't want me to touch pretty at all, she just wants me to leave her alone. She hardly helps out around the house or visits her own family. She does come out every once in a while, she does have a full time job which helps get her out. She does nothing around the house basically. I love her very much but feel horrible and think I am failing because no matter how many conversations we have had we just can't seem to find common ground. Please pray for us.​

Maybe clean it up a little so it doesn't read like your wife's evil incarnate . KISS! Put some of this in action and come back to the thread when some change has occurred.

Goal 1 - I would have to tie her up and drag her out.
Goal 2 - "same"
Goal 3 - I have read a lot about that but always open to new material or new solutions or something that will just work.
Goal 4 - I have read a lot about that but always open to new material or new solutions or something that will just work.

I do have a lot of goals but she doesn't want to share them or really believe in them she says a lot mine are stupid like be responsible with money and thinking about tomorrow.

"hurt people hurt people." I completely agree with you, its been a vicious cycle. One other big problem is when she wants me to leave her alone it bothers me or when she is really difficult with the lying it bothers me like anyone that is human the stress does reflect on my overall life.

Bills/Finances - pretty much it is separated for a while, the problem is if I don't constantly keep an eye on her stuff then accounts starts to go negative.

Better person - thank you, I try.

You might consider getting some counsel one-on-one for yourself. - I have talked to some counselors in the past I know and they have told me I can either continue to live a rough life till she straightens up or just flat out leave her. I had a rough life growing up and like anything else I want a real solution in life and that's goal. Its such a throw cultural we live in. (As a I was growing up I have it was rough and I did speak to a lot of counselors basically it comes down to the same thing again either that person is going to straight up or you need a different environment.)

As for cleaning it up what did you have in mind? (My intentions were never to make her look evil, I just tell it how it is. As for cleaning up there is other stuff that I haven't included. I just included the basics.)

And thank you for the support so far with everything.

 

[pat4545]

I do want to thank everyone with the support so far ideas and solutions. With the new therapist she has been doing a tiny bit better but still a long way off.

 

[pat4545]

I tried to edit above I hit the time limit -

I do want to thank everyone with the effort and support so far ideas and solutions. Even the ones who have questioned me. Some days I do feel like this is my fault, and maybe I am doing something wrong, or like someone else said on another forum

"I just have gotten mixed up with the wrong crowds because I was raised in a poor environment and in some cases my standards need to be higher".

I am not sure whats the right answer or maybe its a part of both. I just feel as if something can be done.

With the new therapist she has been doing a tiny bit better but still a long way off.

 

[pat4545]

Then make a few goals for yourself AND a few (separate) goals for your marriage. For example,

Goal 1: Get connected. I will attend church on Sundays, a small group and or Bible Study during the week and meet with an elder or pastor to tell him about my situation and see if he can recommend one or two men with whom I can develop a confidential prayer/accountability friendship.​

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Goal 2: I will research healthy self-care skills that include but are not limited to my spiritual disciplines of prayer, Bible reading, worship, fellowship, giving, service, etc. (Disciplines of a Godly Man, Spiritual Disciplines for the Christian Life).​

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Goal 3: Read about grief to better understand the problem and potential solutions (such as Bearing the Unbearable or It's Okay That You're Not Okay).​

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Goal 4: Read about sexual addiction to better understand the problem and potential solutions (such as She Has a Secret, Facing Heartbreak, Sex Addiction 101, Hope and Recovery, etc.).​

The concept is simple: If you do not know where you are going then you will definitely not get there. Set some goals, work to achieve them, and the replace accomplished ones with new ones. At age 29 this is an early life lesson all people, especially men, must learn.

Give Gary Chapman's "The Five Love Languages" a read. If the effort is going to go unrewarded and not reciprocated, then prepare yourself for that and learn how to love for your well-being and any prospective future relationship. Take the quiz. Twice! Once answering the way you speculate your wife might (based on your dating period not just the current conditions), and then again for yourself. Once you know hers then you'll know what she likes most, and once you know yours then you'll know what to ask for.

Look at that "answer." It's not an answer to the question asked and it most definitely is not a goal-oriented or solution-oriented response. It's a problem-focused excuse. Stop it. LOOK at it because it is evidence hurt people hurt people. She's hurting so you get hurt and then you can't see the forest for the trees.

Then what comes next is going to be tough: Separate your finances and establish a budget. She gets an allowance and so do you. Any prospect of pooled and shared finances is predicated on 1) her getting treatment and 2) her accomplishing some mutually agreed upon goals. Read the "Boundaries" series books!!! Stop enabling dysfunctional behavior and expecting functional alternatives.

Prepare yourself for her acting out. It's what the hurt, addicted, and grieving do. If she does that in ways that find her money, then things will get much worse than they are now and you're going to be facing much more difficult decisions. Menton me, @ Josheb, in this board if that happens and if I'm around I'll offer some recommendations accordingly. For now, let's focus on getting you to be the guy you and God want you to be and providing the opportunity for your wife's healing and the marriage's recovery.

That is excellent. Build on that in practical, practicable ways.

The word "marriage" means "to join." We got "engaged" (joined), had a "wedding" (joined," and now we have a "marriage" (joining). Two people can get wed in ten minutes, but it takes a lifetime to be successfully married, and no matter how good and strong the marriage may seem.... it can be undone in an instant with a single thoughtless (or deliberate) word or act.

I'm not there to observe for myself but, based on these posts, I think it fair to say you do not actually have a marriage and the marriage may have been enjoined disingenuously because a healthy marriage requires both spouses to work 100%, and when one spouse is overt and deliberate about NOT working maritally then that's an indication of falsehood. Those words are not intended to empower or justify any notion you get to leave. Marriage is work. It is exhausting. It is supposed to be redemptive, but the redemptive quality is supposed to be mutual.

Since it is not currently mutual then attend to your well-being because you being a better guy makes you a better partner and will armor and insulate you (at least a little) for what lies ahead.

You might consider getting some counsel one-on-one for yourself.

I haven't focused on this because it's sort of "advanced" content, but you might also learn about attachment (Attached, Hold Me Tight, Created for Connection). It appears there are very serious deficits on your wife's part developmentally. Knowing about it might help but it's not something you can do a lot about without outside help. There are workbooks for everything I have posted, and I know the above is a lot of reading, a lot of information to be learned in a stressful, hurting environment where you may not have much time. Don't take this the wrong way but I do not care. I don't mean I don't care about you or your wife. I mean I have no regard for excuses or obstacles (real or perceived). Do what it takes. Do what it takes, realizing the first change is accepting what is, and the second change is realizing the work makes you better whether the marriage survives or not. Otherwise, the pain continues, worsens, and the likely end is you end up looking like your wife. Misery loves company. This is why you need to reconnect yourself with good men you can trust and rely upon, a small group of people who will support you without the need to know every little detail of your anger, resentment, loneliness, sadness, ineffectiveness, etc., and you taking care of yourself because it's impossible to love your wife as you love yourself if you do not love yourself.

Love is not a warm, fuzzy sensation in our body. Love is a thing we do.

Ask the forum(s) to pray for your marriage (short and sweet with little specifics).

My wife's dad died right after we got married within months. She became really depressed, basically stays in bed all day, and started a porn addiction. She doesn't want me to touch pretty at all, she just wants me to leave her alone. She hardly helps out around the house or visits her own family. She does come out every once in a while, she does have a full time job which helps get her out. She does nothing around the house basically. I love her very much but feel horrible and think I am failing because no matter how many conversations we have had we just can't seem to find common ground. Please pray for us.​

Maybe clean it up a little so it doesn't read like your wife's evil incarnate . KISS! Put some of this in action and come back to the thread when some change has occurred.

I did miss that about kisses I didn't think of that.

 

[Rescued One]

You can't expect your wife to be perfect. Few of us marry perfect spouses and we don't even know if they are Christians. Only God changes people. We can't do that.

 

[Rescued One]

You missed the word - "basically" also I stated the job earlier in notes too. And yes that is a secret with some of the weirdos on the internet today and trolling etc some information I am not willing to give out. I am assuming your asking for good intentions and not its nothing related with the porn industry or PG-13 or R rated or strip club or anything like that. Its a very PG sort of job.

I apologize. I'm glad she has a regular job. I'm not that nosy.

And I'm sorry for your situation. Most of my relatives were not Christians and didn't have Christian lifestyles. The only Christian sibling out of six that I had didn't grow up with me. She was from my father's second marriage and he was a staunch atheist. My stepmother was a non-practising Catholic. My sister went to Calvary Chapel.

 

[Rescued One]

Sometimes God lets people down too or tests them, and to have a solution or miracle you gotta be the miracle. Plus I don't like waiting on others as waiting on somethings in life gets you nowhere that's why I am out looking for a solution.

My life was difficult. I found God but couldn't find solutions for those around me.

 

[pat4545]

You can't expect your wife to be perfect. Few of us marry perfect spouses and we don't even know if they are Christians. Only God changes people. We can't do that.

"You can't expect your wife to be perfect." I'm not sure why you are saying this? What gave you this idea? (I have never met the perfect person, and probably never will as the human race is not a machine in a factory and even those break down at times.) I'm asking because did I say something in some way to expect her to be perfect? I expect people to make mistakes but when they make mistakes I expect them to communicate with me especially when I make it very clear to communicate with me to find a solution and learn from the failure or mistake they made.

I use this practice when it comes business which has worked fine with over 1000 people easily over the years. And I have been told by so many people that I am one of the easiest people to talk and to this day still haven't had one complaint. I have worked with a handful of really toxic people over the years where you have someone in the company that expects more then what there willing to do or even more importantly willing to put someone in there position of life.

I'm not asking this to be difficult I am asking this so I understand why I have given you this idea.

 

[pat4545]

I apologize. I'm glad she has a regular job. I'm not that nosy.

And I'm sorry for your situation. Most of my relatives were not Christians and didn't have Christian lifestyles. The only Christian sibling out of six that I had didn't grow up with me. She was from my father's second marriage and he was a staunch atheist. My stepmother was a non-practising Catholic. My sister went to Calvary Chapel.

Yes she was christian, and nothing to worry about. I assumed you were probably looking more into her job type like for example if she worked in a adult store or wrote articles for porn companies and how it could reflect the thoughts and behavior one may have.