Dating someone on the verge of divorce

[ThisIsMe123]

I did a search on the forums and came across this post....

Then I saw this portion of a person's post, where this woman wound up marrying the man she dated, even though her divorce wasn't finalized...

I would encourage you to do the same. Scripture alive and breathing, and God uses it to reveal Himself. He gives uttrance of the Holy Spirit to reaveal his will through His Word. Take time to seek Him, and allow Him to show you where to draw the line with Scripture.
I'm not saying take someone's word for it, or move on their advice. You want confirmation from the Bible, so ask for it. It worked for us. We are happilly married and serving God together in our church. And I am so certain that this is what He wanted for us.

It's interesting, seems this topic is highly debatable as pages of these arguments can go on for a while. Some say, "it depends" other say, "No, it doesn't depend on anything."

Apparently, this proves the situation has a lot of grey areas and on a case-by-case basis, right? The reason I ask, is because I think I'm regretting backing out of dating someone, even though they were a couple of months before the finalization of the divorce. I made an exception, but apparently when I mentioned who I was dating to some family members, and they found out she wasn't "quite divorced just yet", they reamed me a new one saying that I'm enabling her to commit adultery and I'm "coveting thy neighbors wife", basically violating the 10 commandments.

Of course, family members are who they are, they're family, so I sought the opinion of other Christian friends. One I talked to last night and she said why should I let a piece of paper keep us from dating? I was actually surprised at her response, with her being Christian herself. She said, it's her attitude, and they've already spiritually and mentally "checked out" of the marriage altogether anyway with no possibility of reconciliation whatsoever.

What's strange is, I know non-religious friends that wouldn't date a separated person either.

Another thing that made me take a break from it, was the fact that she doesn't want her soon-to-be ex to find out she's dating. She prefers to keep things discrete, which made my gut tell me to pull out until she's divorced. The things she said about her husband, he is kind of moody and unstable...not in a violent way, but just childish when it comes to having mature conversations. That didn't sit well with me either, who knows he may , out of spite, purposely drag things out even longer.

When I decided to tell the woman I was seeing to take a break from dating until she had her papers signed and done, she was hurt...and was quite emotionally invested, and that said...even if she did get the divorce finalized...she MAY have a hard time dating me because of the ability to build trust may be difficult.

After we established that, we attempted to hang out, platonically. We had a nice time, but when she left for home, she was sad. Possibly saddened that we couldn't be intimate.

We still stay in touch, but she said she's leaving the onus on me to reach out.

But I found it interesting that some of those on these forums do cite saying these situations are more on a personal level with God, and on a case-by-case basis, per the above post.

So I am kind of conflicted on this being that some are "It's a sin, don't do it!" to, "Well, it's only a month away, and they are mentally checked out of the marriage already."

Some here may say even after a divorce, people shouldn't date...but people do it anyways because the last part of their marriage was on a downward spiral, but let's not go there.

In her case, she was separated a year, and by the end of that year, she was over it.

 

[Servant68]

What I've discovered since joining this forum is that Christians don't really care what the Bible says or what God's will is. They will do whatever feels good and will twist the words of the Bible to suit whatever twisted ideology they believe in.

Not surprised at all that Christians are in disagreement over this. My own ex-wife got married 2 days after our divorce. She'd been dating for months behind me and my children's backs.

She still thinks she did nothing wrong since that's what she wants to believe.

 

[Paulie079]

Yeah, if you have a truly biblical theology of marriage, there is no debate about this. You are married until the divorce is finalized.

 

[ThisIsMe123]

What I've discovered since joining this forum is that Christians don't really care what the Bible says or what God's will is. They will do whatever feels good and will twist the words of the Bible to suit whatever twisted ideology they believe in.

Not surprised at all that Christians are in disagreement over this. My own ex-wife got married 2 days after our divorce. She'd been dating for months behind me and my children's backs.

She still thinks she did nothing wrong since that's what she wants to believe.

What was the reason for the divorce? She file or did you file?

 

[Sketcher]

What was the reason for the divorce? She file or did you file?

The answer is staring you in the face.

 

[Sketcher]

I think I'm regretting backing out of dating someone, even though they were a couple of months before the finalization of the divorce. I made an exception, but apparently when I mentioned who I was dating to some family members, and they found out she wasn't "quite divorced just yet", they reamed me a new one saying that I'm enabling her to commit adultery and I'm "coveting thy neighbors wife", basically violating the 10 commandments.

They're right. Matthew 19:9 is as liberal as the New Testament gets on the issue.

 

[Applekrate]

several years back , I dated and got involved with a 'Christian' gal and after awhile, learned she was not divorced yet ( from her 2nd husband ). I had the attitude it was 'ok' even though her divorce was not finalized yet. As my faith grew, I learned how wrong I was. It was the only time I got involved with a gal who had been married and had kids. Lots of issues with relationships like this. It was quite a change from my single life. Later, she told me her first marriage failed because she was caught cheating with a service/cleaning man. At the time, I knew it was bad but, also knew she was being honest with me and I accepted that too.
she was very accepting of me and my hobbies, very affectionate, etc. Anyway, when our relationship was having issues she informed me she was going with one of my 'friends' away for a weekend. At that time, I was smart enough to let it go and not respond when she tried to get back together.
It seems most women feel men can be turned on and off with a switch and get whatever they want.
Strange that she also helped me get closer to the Lord in many ways so, am grateful for that. But, she did have a wy to justify getting whatever she wanted whether it had the Lords Blessing or not.
So, beware, be cautious. I do not like to show lots of interest (crush if you will ) in a certain woman anymore as I have ended up with a few and then found it very awkward getting out of the relationship after I learned more 'dirt' of their past. I guess if you have a lot of 'dirt' in your past, it may not matter as much but, my background/life has been pretty clean and 'low mile' if you know what I mean.
Just take your time, pray about what the Lord wants for you and trust in him. I do. Sometimes that is not easy. None of us are getting any younger.

Still, learn more about their marriage, when the divorce was finalized, etc Before you get more involved. Also, many claim they are divorced and later I learn they were divorced 2-3 times. I do not want to end up a notch on a gals belt.
If she has kids and was married, there is an outside chance she is a widow. I dated a few widows and underestimated their potential. A widow used to be married but, stayed loyal to her husband until death. that is very commendable. So, these days, I think much higher of widows than I used to. Sadly, there are not many.

 

[CodyFaith]

David did some twisting of scripture of his own I'm sure when he committed adultery with Bathsheba.

Didn't work out for him in a way he would have hoped. Didn't work out for me when I did it in the past, didn't work out for other members of the forum when they did it in the past, won't work out for anyone when they do it in the future.

I don't believe the words of the woman in your first post. Lots of people in the world believe they are lead by God to do all sorts of terrible things, just because it's presented in nice rosey words doesn't mean it was a good thing or true.

 

[ThisIsMe123]

several years back , I dated and got involved with a 'Christian' gal and after awhile, learned she was not divorced yet ( from her 2nd husband ). I had the attitude it was 'ok' even though her divorce was not finalized yet. As my faith grew, I learned how wrong I was. It was the only time I got involved with a gal who had been married and had kids. Lots of issues with relationships like this. It was quite a change from my single life. Later, she told me her first marriage failed because she was caught cheating with a service/cleaning man. At the time, I knew it was bad but, also knew she was being honest with me and I accepted that too.
she was very accepting of me and my hobbies, very affectionate, etc. Anyway, when our relationship was having issues she informed me she was going with one of my 'friends' away for a weekend. At that time, I was smart enough to let it go and not respond when she tried to get back together.
It seems most women feel men can be turned on and off with a switch and get whatever they want.
Strange that she also helped me get closer to the Lord in many ways so, am grateful for that. But, she did have a wy to justify getting whatever she wanted whether it had the Lords Blessing or not.
So, beware, be cautious. I do not like to show lots of interest (crush if you will ) in a certain woman anymore as I have ended up with a few and then found it very ackward getting out of the relationship after I learned more 'dirt' of their past. I guess if you have a lot of 'dirt' in your past, it may not matter as much but, my background/life has been pretty clean and 'low mile' if you know what I mean.
Just take your time, pray about what the Lord wants for you and trust in him. I do. Sometimes that is not easy. None of us are getting any younger.

Still, learn more about their marriage, when the divorce was finalized, etc Before you get more involved. Also, many claim they are divorced and later I learn they were divorced 2-3 times. I do not want to end up a notch on a gals belt.
If she has kids and was married, there is an outside chance she is a widow. I dated a few widows and underestimated their potential. A widow used to me married but, stayed loyal to her husband until death. that is very commendable. So, these days, I think much higher of widows than I used to. Sadly, there are not many.

Yeah, I'm taking a step back from her, waiting until the divorce is final until I date her. Then someone just sent me a PM on here regarding, "Well, if she REmarries, it's still adultery". I was like "huh?" Most people in my Christian community has remarried at least once and when you're a single man in your mid-40s like me, marrying a divorced woman is pretty much all I got going in my area.

I mean, he was the one that dumped her, so she gave up rights to her as his spouse.

Anyways, I can wait a month.

I do not like to show lots of interest (crush if you will ) in a certain woman anymore as I have ended up with a few and then found it very ackward getting out of the relationship after I learned more 'dirt' of their past.

A lot of people have some kind of "dirt" on them, doesn't make them not a potential dating candidate. As long as it's water under the bridge, and don't continue the same pattern currently.

 

[Applekrate]

Yeah, I'm taking a step back from her, waiting until the divorce is final until I date her. Then someone just sent me a PM on here regarding, "Well, if she REmarries, it's still adultery". I was like "huh?" Most people in my Christian community has remarried at least once and when you're a single man in your mid-40s like me, marrying a divorced woman is pretty much all I got going in my area.

I mean, he was the one that dumped her, so she gave up rights to her as his spouse.

Anyways, I can wait a month.

Talking/discussing all this with her and showing scripture really shows your integrity. If she has any class and faith, she should admire and respect you for it. If she finds someone else before it is finalized, that shows you just what kind of person she is. Be thanksful for that. It appears you are making wise choices.



A lot of people have some kind of "dirt" on them, doesn't make them not a potential dating candidate. As long as it's water under the bridge, and don't continue the same pattern currently.

I agree. Was just saying what was best for me.

 

[Travelers.Soul]

Simple straightforward answer....DON'T DO IT! As long as she's not divorced she is still married.

Also, you may need to wait longer than a month before you start dating. Why? Because she may have major issues/baggage she will need to work through or at least most people would. I would be more surprised if she had no baggage to work through...I mean look at all the baggage people pick up in just dating relationships. But you're an adult, your decision. Just consider how healthy it is to jump into a relationship with someone who just divorced, for them and for you. It's not like that was her boyfriend, that is/was her husband, which I imagine, is a big difference.

 

[Applekrate]

Simple straightforward answer....DON'T DO IT! As long as she's not divorced she is still married.

Also, you may need to wait longer that a month before you start dating. Why? Because she may have major issues/baggage she will need to work through or at least most people would. I would be more surprised if she had no baggage to work through...I mean look at all the baggage people pick up in just dating relationships. But you're an adult, your decision. Just consider how healthy it is to jump into a relationship with someone who just divorced, for them and for you. It's not like that was her boyfriend, that is/was her husband, which I imagine, is a big difference.

I agree with all that BUT, it is not easy to do. Keep in prayer. Having a Christian accountability partner/friend is a very wise thing to have. This site can help too and hoping it is for you.

 

[Servant68]

I agree with all that BUT, it is not easy to do. Keep in prayer.

Yep. There was a woman that mutual friends thought we'd make a cute couple. She was sweet and optimistic and pretty, so we went on a date.

I learned that she was not only still married, but still living in the same house as her husband. I backed off and said that while she was pretty and sweet, I couldn't date a married woman. It would be the height of hypocrisy in light of my former marital situation.

She kept pursuing me and being flirty and I was polite but kept it platonic.

She eventually found a man who would date a married woman and they've been together the last few months. Meanwhile, her divorce has gone through and she has moved out. You could say I missed out on the chance to have a great relationship, but I believe God will honor my decision.

 

[Servant68]

What was the reason for the divorce? She file or did you file?

She filed. Said she didn't love me anymore. She refused my offer of marriage counseling since she had already secured a replacement. Her adultery nullified the marriage in God's eyes so I'm free and clear to re-marry. Just not sure if I'll ever find someone. Every "Christian" woman I've dated has wanted sex immediately or left the previous marriage for worldly reasons.

 

[quietpraiyze]

Simple straightforward answer....DON'T DO IT! As long as she's not divorced she is still married.

Also, you may need to wait longer than a month before you start dating. Why? Because she may have major issues/baggage she will need to work through or at least most people would. I would be more surprised if she had no baggage to work through...I mean look at all the baggage people pick up in just dating relationships. But you're an adult, your decision. Just consider how healthy it is to jump into a relationship with someone who just divorced, for them and for you. It's not like that was her boyfriend, that is/was her husband, which I imagine, is a big difference.

THIS^^^^

 

[ThisIsMe123]

Also, you may need to wait longer than a month before you start dating. Why? Because she may have major issues/baggage she will need to work through or at least most people would. I would be more surprised if she had no baggage to work through...I mean look at all the baggage people pick up in just dating relationships. But you're an adult, your decision. Just consider how healthy it is to jump into a relationship with someone who just divorced, for them and for you. It's not like that was her boyfriend, that is/was her husband, which I imagine, is a big difference.

Depends on the situation. Why turn down an opportunity to date someone POST-divorce, if there's a mutual interest? Who are we to decide that the person isn't ready to date? They are, apparently.

I know some people, personally, that have mentally checked out of the marriage years prior to divorcing, esp, if they were the one's wanting the divorce....esp. if they've been separated, first, for a few years.

 

[Applekrate]

She filed. Said she didn't love me anymore. She refused my offer of marriage counseling since she had already secured a replacement. Her adultery nullified the marriage in God's eyes so I'm free and clear to re-marry. Just not sure if I'll ever find someone. Every "Christian" woman I've dated has wanted sex immediately or left the previous marriage for worldly reasons.

There is a Christain woman who has a radio show here in Az. She is a profession counselor, advisor and speaker. She said something on her show I never realized. About 85% of divorces are filed by women. It seems they are never happy and always looking for greener pastures. I do feel it is mostly women that are responsible for most marriages failing.

Guys ( and gals too I guess ), think about it. Of all the divorces you have known of, think of WHO filed for divorce. It is usually by far, the woman.
In these modern days of no fault divorce, men are at a real disadvantage in a relationship, esp a marriage. I wish that was not so but, look at the facts. No matter how nice or good you are, she can leave you and divorce you at a moments notice. not good for something that is supposed to be 'until death do you part'. What does Jesus hate? Jesus hates divorce and it is mostly women doing it.

 

[ThisIsMe123]

There is a Christain woman who has a radio show here in Az. She is a profession counselor, advisor and speaker. She said something on her show I never realized. About 85% of divorces are filed by women. It seems they are never happy and always looking for greener pastures. I do feel it is mostly women that are responsible for most marriages failing.

Guys ( and gals too I guess ), think about it. Of all the divorces you have known of, think of WHO filed for divorce. It is usually by far, the woman.
In these modern days of no fault divorce, men are at a real disadvantage in a relationship, esp a marriage. I wish that was not so but, look at the facts. No matter how nice or good you are, she can leave you and divorce you at a moments notice. not good for something that is supposed to be 'until death do you part'. What does Jesus hate? Jesus hates divorce and it is mostly women doing it.

It's nothing new. I have known for a long time it's mostly the women that want out of a marriage, it's minimal that men want out. Reason for this I think that men become so complacent in the marriage ,that they stop "dating" their wives.

Basically, men wind up letting the romance die off after so many years. They kind of neglect to keep things interesting for the woman. They tune the women out if she has a complaint or something. Apathy on the man's part.

Not putting blame on anyone, but that's the other perspective to see it from.

Then one day, he comes home, her bags are packed, and he's like 'What the heck happened? I didn't suspect a thing!"

 

[Travelers.Soul]

Depends on the situation. Why turn down an opportunity to date someone POST-divorce, if there's a mutual interest? Who are we to decide that the person isn't ready to date? They are, apparently.

I know some people, personally, that have mentally checked out of the marriage years prior to divorcing, esp, if they were the one's wanting the divorce....esp. if they've been separated, first, for a few years.

Ending a marriage is a lot different than a break up. If someone can get a divorce and it not affect them I'd have some concerns, again that's just me. I have also known people who made some unfortunate mistakes by jumping into a relationship quickly after they were divorced.

 

[ThisIsMe123]

Ending a marriage is a lot different than a break up. If someone can get a divorce and it not affect them I'd have some concerns, again that's just me. I have also known people who made some unfortunate mistakes by jumping into a relationship quickly after they were divorced.

I've known decent relationships to blossom into stable relationships and even marriages. Results vary.

When it comes to dating, there's always some kind of risk.