If you had meet someone of interest, and that had been divorced twice, what kind of concerns would you have?
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Concerns about someone who has been divorced....twice.
- Thread starter Stanfi
- Start date
J
Jenster
Guest
Aside from theological concerns, I guess I'd be concerned about whether the person is willing to be committed in marriage.
Of course there are MANY reasons why people get divorced, and it could be that the person didn't want to get divorced either time, but his/her spouse wanted it.
I think I would ask this person about the circumstances of the divorce and what his/her intentions about marriage are now. I feel it is important, when dating, to be upfront about things.
Are you the one who is divorced twice, or are you interested in someone twice divorced?
Of course there are MANY reasons why people get divorced, and it could be that the person didn't want to get divorced either time, but his/her spouse wanted it.
I think I would ask this person about the circumstances of the divorce and what his/her intentions about marriage are now. I feel it is important, when dating, to be upfront about things.
Are you the one who is divorced twice, or are you interested in someone twice divorced?
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Jenster gives good advice. This is close to me since my brother is on his third marriage. His first ended because she did not want to be married. His second ended & I believe it was mutual. I think they moved too fast. His second wife has been married two times since divorcing my brother. So perhaps she wasn't ready either.
I'd be wary but like Jenster said, find out what happened in each case. My brother is a nice guy but our parents were divorced when we were in elementary school. My brother tried to "make-up" with our dad but was rejected by him. Plus he works long & strange hours which isn't conducive to a relationship. He is a softie who finds women when they are down. Then when they get back on their feet, they get bored with him. All these kinds of factors can play a role in why someone would be unsuccessful in marriage.
I'd be wary but like Jenster said, find out what happened in each case. My brother is a nice guy but our parents were divorced when we were in elementary school. My brother tried to "make-up" with our dad but was rejected by him. Plus he works long & strange hours which isn't conducive to a relationship. He is a softie who finds women when they are down. Then when they get back on their feet, they get bored with him. All these kinds of factors can play a role in why someone would be unsuccessful in marriage.
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No, someome I met is divorced twice. The first one was abusive, the second time the guy was an alcholic. Both marriage happened while this person was fairly young too.
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BeautyForAshes
Senior Veteran
Stanfi, I would DEFINITELY tread carefully. There are some issues there that would allow her to be attracted (and later marry) men who were obviously not the best for her. Make sure she has taken measures to overcome these issues (ex. counseling, taking a break from dating to learn more about who she is, etc.) because if she hasn't, then you may be the one to suffer the results of her past.
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-I've been married and divorced three times. Before I was walking with God. So I've been in counseling with my pastor, to identify my fault in those breakups and seek repentance. They were scriptural divorces, at least by my church's standards but I still needed healing. I'm now in a courtship relationship that is going very well. So in my understanding divorce does not necessarily make a future relationship impossible, but counsel and accountability are the only wise way to go. And I've asked my SO to test me over time and not to let her heart get too involved too quickly. She understands and has promised patience. I feel like the most fortunate guy in the world, given my past broken life.
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I have been married three times. The first was when I was young and was married to a physically abusive spouse for just over a year. Then I was married the second time for 11 years. It was truly a wonderful marrage that is deeply missed but I lost that husband to an unexpected fatal accident. Now I have re-married and the man I remarried is wanting out of our marriage after less than a year because he doesn't want the family life and responsiblility. I am now going to counseling to make sure I don't make this kind of mistake again.
So, after all that info. I would highly recommend taking it slow. Sometimes we aren't at fault in divorce. I truly believe I haven't been at fault but I also need to know why I picked the first husband and the third. Make sure that all avenues have been looked at. I believe long pre-martial counseling should be a requirement. I sure wish I had done that with this last marriage.
Someday I may be bless from God to have a secure and totally commited marriage like the middel one but I will not rush in again. So, take some advice from someone who has learned the hard way.....take it slow and start asking the questions that are on your heart. It is God speaking to you to be cautious.
I wish you happiness and God's blessings.
So, after all that info. I would highly recommend taking it slow. Sometimes we aren't at fault in divorce. I truly believe I haven't been at fault but I also need to know why I picked the first husband and the third. Make sure that all avenues have been looked at. I believe long pre-martial counseling should be a requirement. I sure wish I had done that with this last marriage.
Someday I may be bless from God to have a secure and totally commited marriage like the middel one but I will not rush in again. So, take some advice from someone who has learned the hard way.....take it slow and start asking the questions that are on your heart. It is God speaking to you to be cautious.
I wish you happiness and God's blessings.
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FlatpickingJD
Losing the battle with oxalis
Stanfi, I agree with both BeautyForAshes and LostWithoutYou; they both give really good advice. Move slowly and cautiously if you decide to move forward in this relationship. Please take their advice and lessons to heart, and proceed carefully.
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C
country woman
Guest
I agree with the others on this matter. Pray about this situation maybe there is a reason why he has been divorced 3 times. Go slowly if it is meant to be, you will know, but don't rush.
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Ivy
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Yes, pray a lot.......sometimes it seems, actually, like people "get it right" on the third marriage, from what I can see. Our former pastor and his wife.......well, she was his third wife, and they're married about 25 years now & serve the Lord together.
The important thing, I think, is to stay malleable to the Lord.....don't get your heart so set on something that you can't hear Him. If He allows a red flag to go up at some point, you want to be able to discern that.
The important thing, I think, is to stay malleable to the Lord.....don't get your heart so set on something that you can't hear Him. If He allows a red flag to go up at some point, you want to be able to discern that.
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HoosierCanuck
Senior Contributor
The others have given good advice here.
My dad and one cousin are both twice-divorced. In both cases, former spouses committed adultry.
From a woman's point of view, I have only been married once and the divorce was his choice. I was no picnic to live with and he chose alcohol over marriage. I was also fairly young (22) and as far as I'm concerned the victim of the 'Christians must be married by age XX' mentality.
I would tread carefully. It's possible she has some self-esteem issues that causes her to pick men who don't treat her right. I believe that you would be good to her but if she deep-down 'has' to have someone with 'issues' it could be the potential for a stormy relationship. I hate to sound cliche' but pray ALOT then wait and listen for God's instruction (something I tend to forget to do...)
God Bless...
HC
My dad and one cousin are both twice-divorced. In both cases, former spouses committed adultry.
From a woman's point of view, I have only been married once and the divorce was his choice. I was no picnic to live with and he chose alcohol over marriage. I was also fairly young (22) and as far as I'm concerned the victim of the 'Christians must be married by age XX' mentality.
I would tread carefully. It's possible she has some self-esteem issues that causes her to pick men who don't treat her right. I believe that you would be good to her but if she deep-down 'has' to have someone with 'issues' it could be the potential for a stormy relationship. I hate to sound cliche' but pray ALOT then wait and listen for God's instruction (something I tend to forget to do...)
God Bless...
HC
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CurlyLocks
Junior Member
Stanfi said:
This person will need a lot of patience and grace from your side of the relationship.... (I am speaking from experience.)
LostWithoutYou said:
I agree wholeheartedly.... I've beeen divorced twice... long story, I'll spare ya the details...
I am now engaged to a fantastic man... but we are taking things ever so slowly...
Primarily, we want to make sure that God is in the center of all we do... after that... we sooo much want to make sure we don't miss the 'friends' stage....
... and we aren't.
Take lots of time to get to know her.... and don't forget to guard your heart.... Making God the center may mean walking away at one point in time.... we just never know....
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proverbs3113woman
Member
Having been divorced twice myself, I can share that there can be different mistakes in choosing a spouse a second time around, and not all divorces are equal or come about for the same reasons. Neither time I chose a husband was I walking with the Lord. The two men were very different. I learned a lot from the first marriage and divorce, but that didn't protect me from making other mistakes. My past is my past, and I made the mistakes while backslidden. I am forgiven for both marriages just as I would be for one. You cannot assume that the second marriage failed for the same reasons as the first marriage, therefore you cannot judge them equally, or the unfortunate person who has been through it twice. We hope we get it right, but sometimes things happen beyond our control. I would suggest getting to really know the person and the reasons for the divorces.
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YouthPastor
Name = Brett
Stanfi said:
Were they christian at the time?
Not to offend anyone who has been divorced twice... But let me say this....
one divorce, ok you made a bad choice.... second divorce..... ?????
You need to really get to know the person WELL!!!
I would even say talk to the ex's! of course take it with a grain of salt.
talk to friends etc... family (sometimes they will be blatently honest with you).
I would be very cautious - does that mean don't marry them? NO - It means be careful - don't rush things. try to find out as much as you can.
Now if he was not a christian at the time of either divorce - that DOES make a diference - but it does not remove all caution.
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GritsnGrace
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Stanfi, you have gotten a lot of good advice from a lot of good people. I, too, have been divorced twice. My first marriage was to my high school sweetheart, but it ended when our son was 4 months old. Circumstances (that I will not discuss) prevented us from staying together. With my second husband, I was walking with the Lord, and thought he was. I believed it was God's will, because I had prayed about it, and God allowed it. I find out, 5 years later, that he had been unfaithful the entire time of our marriage, at the same time, supposedly being faithful to the church (he had a double life) Please don't act like she is 'damaged goods' because of the divorces. A lot of women feel that way, and I was one of them. For years I wondered, why did this happen? What is wrong with me? Well, it has taken me years, but I know now, that there is NOTHING wrong with me. God has healed me, and God, I am sure, has healed, or can heal, all wounds.
God bless you!!
God bless you!!
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woman.at.the.well
Guest
Speaking as one who has also been divorced more than once (3x) I see everyone has given some excellent advise here that I highly agree with.
Although each marriage was very turbulent -- each marriage produced some very valuable lessons that I didn't see at the time but do now.
I feel like with God all things are possible like His word says. And that who we WERE at one time and who we are NOW with God's molding and shaping is two different mindsets.
So . . .I would suggest just doing alot of praying as has already been mentioned; take it really slow - what's the hurry?; just keep communicating and asking the questions that come into your mind as was also stated.
Right now I myself personally have decided to look for companionship (someone to go to dinner, the movies, etc with) with no sex involved (of course). I have let go of the notion of a husband until God directs me otherwise. I am still very confused as to whether remarriage (for me) would be wise or even biblical and am quite frankly ok with it if He says not to.
Just my humble opinion. But hope it helped some.
Although each marriage was very turbulent -- each marriage produced some very valuable lessons that I didn't see at the time but do now.
I feel like with God all things are possible like His word says. And that who we WERE at one time and who we are NOW with God's molding and shaping is two different mindsets.
So . . .I would suggest just doing alot of praying as has already been mentioned; take it really slow - what's the hurry?; just keep communicating and asking the questions that come into your mind as was also stated.
Right now I myself personally have decided to look for companionship (someone to go to dinner, the movies, etc with) with no sex involved (of course). I have let go of the notion of a husband until God directs me otherwise. I am still very confused as to whether remarriage (for me) would be wise or even biblical and am quite frankly ok with it if He says not to.
Just my humble opinion. But hope it helped some.
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eatenbylocusts
Senior Veteran
I think the most important concern is what is her relationship with God like now and has it changed in the last 5 years?
My bf was married at a young age and his wife left him. The second marriage (military) lasted only 18 months after she was shipped out 6 months into the marriage. He tried to reconcile with both women. He got counseling after the second one and he shared with me what he had learned about the reasons he was choosing certain women.
My bf was married at a young age and his wife left him. The second marriage (military) lasted only 18 months after she was shipped out 6 months into the marriage. He tried to reconcile with both women. He got counseling after the second one and he shared with me what he had learned about the reasons he was choosing certain women.
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Well, I have been seeing this woman for over a month now. She has a good relationship with God, I often think she has some room to grow, but then again don't we all, and I do beleive that she is willing to grow.
Both marriages were not within in her control, she didn't make the decision to end them the other person did.
The thing I have learned about her is that due to her relationship experience, she has a higher level a maturity, she looks for deeper longer lasting qualities in a person. The things she likes about me is my faith, that I am a caring person, and she admires the fact that I am a very handy person around the house, meaning I know how to use tools and fix things.
So many people on this forum think that divorced people should be treated like second class citizens. I don't agree with that.
Both marriages were not within in her control, she didn't make the decision to end them the other person did.
The thing I have learned about her is that due to her relationship experience, she has a higher level a maturity, she looks for deeper longer lasting qualities in a person. The things she likes about me is my faith, that I am a caring person, and she admires the fact that I am a very handy person around the house, meaning I know how to use tools and fix things.
So many people on this forum think that divorced people should be treated like second class citizens. I don't agree with that.
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