Complimenting your spouse.

[squatpuke]

Husbands: Do you have a tough time with this?

Sometimes I'll think about all the great things she does for me and our kids/house and I'll appreciate her almost to tears...however, I have a real tough time telling her.

Any tips....



For the wives...maybe describe if/how your husbands compliment you and how it makes you feel?

 

[brokenbananas]

I say just tell her what you're thinking in this area. It would be really nice to hear these things personally. I write my husband little notes in email and we also have this little booklet my sister gave us that is blank with many pages. Over the years, we write our little love notes in this book to each other. He hasn't written me a love note (or encouraging note) in over 2 yrs and I greatly miss it.

My husband is not very big on encouraging words other than "Thank you". I personally need a bit more than that. Deep down I know he loves me, but it really would be nice to hear the other stuff. It's so much easier for him to just tell me other stuff or tell me what I'm doing wrong. Guess that's the natural tendency in our marriage and it works both ways.

I typically hear complaints and negative stuff all day long. My husband says he does compliment me, but I don't take it that way. He says by him not saying aything about some of the things I do, that that is positive. To me, from where I grew up from, that means you don't care. He knows this, but it's hard for him to break this habit. Also, compliments have to be given to me in a language that I can process and see as that. So, I would also talk to/ask your wife, how you can encourage her. How you may think as encouragement to her may not be.

I'm not sure how I would be if my husband genuinely complimented and encouraged me on a regular basis. He does this so seldom in a way I understand it, that it's hard for me to remember the last time he complimented me on something outside of "Thank You".

 

[4jacks]

If you have a hard time with words, then start with little notes as suggested.

If you have a hard saying all the exact reasons that you appreciate her, start with basic stuff like "You're the best Babe!" or sayings like that.

My wife and I have a running joke where I'll turn to her and say. "Oh, Many Daughters do well, but you surpass them all" Based on the Proverbs description .... Cracks her up everytime.

Make the compliment yours personality wise, if your not a serious person, then don't try to hard to be serious.

 

[LiberatedChick]

For the wives...maybe describe if/how your husbands compliment you and how it makes you feel?

I get two types of compliments from my husband...ones about my appearance and ones about the things I do. The ones about the things I do mean more to me. Maybe it's just me, but saying "thank you" or otherwise expressing his appreciation (I've heard everything from "thank you" to "wow, you're Superwife" ) for me keeping our home tidy and clean means more to me than being told I'm beautiful. I suppose that's because housework requires my time and energy and the main reason I do it is because I know he likes a tidy, comfortable home. So it's always feels good when he thanks me for my effort.

 

[newcreature]

Let me tell you, I love being complimented by my husband, and I love complimenting him right back!! I would like to share what my husband wrote to me the other day. He wrote this while I was sleeping, and when I woke up, it was exactly what I needed.


"I love you so much, Elaine. By the way, I have always loved your name. Elaine. I was taken with it when I first heard it. And with you, when I first heard your voice. You amaze me all the time. This week you have amazed me with (1) the school room; (2) your enthusiasm for continuing to learn about "unschooling"; (3) how well you worked all the kids into "learning" through games; (4) your energy to get up and out of the house - how you do it almost everyday; (5) your efforts to attend group things, make new friends, do new and interesting things; (6) your passion for helping others understand natural birth; (7) the great activities you have helped the kids get into - this will pay off big time, I think; (8) the simple joy you derive from the little things in life - you make me smile and laugh; I love to watch you, hear you, feel your energy and joy; (9) the way your appreciate "gifts." I love the purse. I love you. You make my life interesting and full. I need you and want you and love you. I hope that you are happy and wonderfully rested. I pray you have a great week. I enjoyed praying with you and am sorry we missed it yesterday. We shall do some praying today - help me remember. (10) the way you love me. Thanks! I love you back. David"

There is no majic formula, it is just simply focusing on the things that become so common in our lives, that we tend to overlook. Hope this helps!

Elaine

 

[MERCY@GRACE]

Husbands: Do you have a tough time with this?

Sometimes I'll think about all the great things she does for me and our kids/house and I'll appreciate her almost to tears...however, I have a real tough time telling her.

Any tips....



For the wives...maybe describe if/how your husbands compliment you and how it makes you feel?

Haven't read all replies yet, but have you asked yourself WHY you have a hard time complimenting her? Is it the way you grew up? I grew up hardly hearing my parents compliment one another...let alone me.

He compliments me, when I make a meal, he compliments me on my appearance, and he compliments me on being supportive of his line of work often.

I feel validated when he does this, and it makes me feel like I am worthy to him. HE taught ME how to be complimentive/ affectionate, and I'M the one who's christian lol! I don't compliment him as much as he does me, but I do. We talk on the phone at least twice a day, and end w/ "I love you". We don't email often bc he has a hectic schedule and the phone is easier. If we do it's usually a funny, and we share a virtual laugh together lol.

ONCE YOU START COMPLIMENTING FROM THE HEART(sorry caps) it will become 2nd nature...but first get to the root of why it's 'difficult' for you to do

 

[InTheFlame]

I love it when hubby pinpoints something I'm doing right and comments on it. He's not the sort to point out my shortcomings much (if something's really bugging him, he'll ask me to work on it). After I pointed it out very early in the relationship, he started deliberately saying thankyou for things I did (and do) for him... simple things like cooking dinner.

Every now and then he goes beyond the 'thankyous' and gives me a full-on compliment... like the other day when we were talking at church about his post-sport routine... this friend we were talking to was looking more and more shocked and amazed at the fact that I run him a bath, organise a large snack, and if I'm feeling up to it, give him a massage so he can sleep properly. I think her incredulity brought it home to him that this was something he'd taken for granted a little, and the next night he made a special effort to tell me I was a wonderful wife, and why. I felt goooooood!!!!

(Note to people who're awestruck - I'm a grouchy, snappy, untidy, whingy person. Don't assume I'm great because I do one nice thing every week.)

Darn, I had a point somewhere... oh yeah! Squat, I like specific thankyous and compliments. General ones are nice, but they don't really help me understand where I'm doing well... which helps me work out how else I can help hubby feel good! So, the whole, 'you're so wonderful' is great, but it's hollow without specifics.

Here's an idea for you... maybe you could set yourself a challenge to give your wife one compliment a day for a month. It's not really a 5-second-a-day thing though, because you'll need to watch your wife and think about one thing she did that day that you think is praiseworthy, or that you should thank her for specifically. Whatcha think?

 

[Mrs. Enigma]

Well, you just tell her? Is that a good tip.? my hubby will look at me and smile, and then say," you are so pretty," or how nice my eyelashes look or whatever. After a meal he may say thanks, and that it was good. He will say the house looks nice, or that I am good at something.
It makes me feel awesome. I love it when he expressess his appreciation to me. It makes me feel like trying harder in that area. It makes me want to excell even more.
He makes me feel happy and content. I am praise and physical touch for love languages, so the praise goes a long way. How can you not adore a guy who is buttering you up and is sincere?

 

[alwaysyoung]

First off, good for you for wanting to make an effort to make your wife feel good. That's awesome!
As a woman, and a wife, I LOVE getting complimented! After working really hard all day, or just feeling out of sorts, one little compliment by my husband makes me feel incredible. It is great when others say nice things, but it means the most when coming from my husband.

It doesn't have to be detailed or if it's in the form of a note, it doesn't have to be long...just sincere and simple. Saying good things to your wife will make her feel very appreciated, adored, and loved....and it will help you appreciate her more by putting into words good qualities about her.

Good luck, I know sometimes men have trouble putting into words how they feel...but use the wisdom of Nike: JUST DO IT.
You'll never regret your kind words!
Lisa

 

[nix111]

I get two types of compliments from my husband...ones about my appearance and ones about the things I do. The ones about the things I do mean more to me. Maybe it's just me, but saying "thank you" or otherwise expressing his appreciation (I've heard everything from "thank you" to "wow, you're Superwife" ) for me keeping our home tidy and clean means more to me than being told I'm beautiful. I suppose that's because housework requires my time and energy and the main reason I do it is because I know he likes a tidy, comfortable home. So it's always feels good when he thanks me for my effort.

very interesting

 

[CherylNMO]

My husband NEVER compliments me. So my advice to husbands who never compliment their wives is to just think of something positive that she does and tell her she did a good job or looks pretty or anything that will boost her self-esteem. The same goes to wives too. I tell my hubby how good he looks and what a good job he did, like if he fixed something. It works both ways. I just wish I could get my hubby to compliment.

 

[christalee4]

My hubby is very open and expressive. Is is a personality thing, or a stereotype of the quiet, strong man who "does", but doesn't "say"? You don't have get on your knees, wearing a swashbuckling cape, and declaim with a great speech, but a combination of physical gestures and short compliments, a little gift here and there, a note or a card here and there, if speech is not your greatest gift. I think it's great that you are making an effort by the way.

Usually, the compliments for me come as how nice I look, or how sexy I am to him, or how he likes my cooking. He also is happy when I do nice things for his mom and his kids. Simple "I love you"'s out of the blue, when least expected, are also good.

 

[Linnis]

We are very open with the I love yous, compliments, hugs and kisses. It's nothing graphic but it's like "I love you you look nice today" or the like. I like it. It makes me smile & my hubby likes getting and giving compliments. They range from the "You're hot" to the "I'm lucky to have you as a wife" or "You are a good Auntie,".

 

[Sascha Fitzpatrick]

I must admit that receiving compliments is not big on my list. Yes, I like it, but it doesn't bother me if I don't get it.

Brad, on the other hand, CRAVES compliments when he does stuff. He gets really upset if I haven't noticed something he's done, and thanked him for it, or encouraged him over it.

We worked it out with our love languages - words of affirmation would probably be his main one. So, for him, he is pretty good with complimenting me for the things I do, and thanking me when I do stuff around the house, for example.

It's me who has really had to work on thanking Brad for the little things he does (cooking dinner, mowing, cleaning, etc etc). It's taken a bit of work because I was putting my own feelings of compliments onto him, and so didn't do it all that much, but I've had to learn since knowing how much it means to him for me to notice something he's done and compliment him over it.

I've also learnt that since I've started thanking him and complimenting him over even the smallest of things - the more often he does those things (keep the house in order, for example).

I figure that's got to be a good thing!

Sometimes things like this take a concerted effort. Sometimes it comes naturally. It's taken me ages to really get into the habit, but I made a note of it, and told myself to be more 'aware' of things he does - and tell him how I appreciate him for it.

I have to say, it's made our relationship a lot easier, now that we know each other's love languages and handle our relationship accordingly.

Sasch

 

[Bunnaroo]

I heard somewhere that 90% of our communication is non-verbal. I have made a habit of sneaking up behind Amx and hugging her, just to hear her purr. I complement her looks on a regular basis, and have to remember that she gets paid in compliments when she does housework. (I make sure I pay attention to what she's done, just so I have a reason to say "good job".)

The only reason I knew to do these things is because I asked. She told me exactly what she wanted.

 

[Lena75]

My husband NEVER compliments me. So my advice to husbands who never compliment their wives is to just think of something positive that she does and tell her she did a good job or looks pretty or anything that will boost her self-esteem. The same goes to wives too. I tell my hubby how good he looks and what a good job he did, like if he fixed something. It works both ways. I just wish I could get my hubby to compliment.

BINGO! I hear ya, there. It is far and few between if my hubster really compliments me. Now, I try not to go looking for it, but it would be nice to know that things I do are appreciated. Last time he complimented me on my looks was months ago when I dressed up and my seven year old said, "Wow, mom! You are so pretty!" Only after that did hubby say anything. That's usually the way it goes. Just yesterday, he had a different style shirt on and I complimented on how well it suits him. He didn't say anything. Bah. Old man. Then again, he's not a very expressive person, either...

 

[firestar]

My husband finds it difficult to compliment and when he does it's honestly like getting the best gift in the world! Words of affirmation from him mean so much- and I agree, I like compliments about how I look, but I *treasure* compliments about my character.