Buying a house before marriage?

[hugnluvable]

Hi there .... whats your view on this? I'm kinda 80-20 with my decision right now but I feel something is wrong with it. Although it does kinda make sense.

Me and the boyfy are in a long distance relationship (3 hours away from each other). And to make it easier next year we have decided to move in with each other nearer Pete's home and family. We've shared a flat before so its nothing that new whats new is this.... we are looking at getting a mortgage and buying the house together.....

What do ANY of you think about this? I'm not too sure about debating it through, but than again if that opportunity does arrise then its probably for the best! Say whatever you have to say...please!

Love and hugs
Erica
xxx

 

[Cherub8]

You mean, moving in with each other...before marriage?

I do not recommend it.
That's my advice.

 

[loved]

Its dangerous ground................


Are you both commited christians?

Do you want to stay pure until marriage?

 

[hugnluvable]

I'm a committed christian, he isnt. And I know that those first 6 words can start all sorts of arguments and debates. They're going on in my heart at the moment!

Its not going to be dangerous ground because we do have boundaries, and we will have seperate rooms etc etc. There are lots of reasons why we are planning this... but then again maybe there are the wrong reasons I dont know.

One is that my bf is scared that if we just move in once we're married we wont know each other as well as we did a couple of years ago and start to really really argue when we live with each other for the first time properly. His mum left his dad and him and his brothers and sister when he was a small boy and he is so scared that its going to happen to him. Although I have every faith it wont. Maybe he should have faith and trust that that would never happen - but he isnt prepared to take any risks. Its not me, its him and if thats whats going to work for our relationship then I guess thats what I have to do

Love and hugs
Erica
xxx

 

[Cherub8]

Separate rooms?
These boundaries seem artificial.

All I can say is, don't go there. Yet, the decision is yours.

 

[loved]

I'm a committed christian, he isnt. And I know that those first 6 words can start all sorts of arguments and debates. They're going on in my heart at the moment!

Ok.............so you're getting married to a non-christian.

Its not going to be dangerous ground because we do have boundaries, and we will have seperate rooms etc etc. There are lots of reasons why we are planning this... but then again maybe there are the wrong reasons I dont know.

Seperate rooms??

How long do you think that will last?

It's only a matter of time before you're watching a late movie together in one room and can't be bothered to go to your own bedroom......

you need to consider ALL these possibilities.

One is that my bf is scared that if we just move in once we're married we wont know each other as well as we did a couple of years ago and start to really really argue when we live with each other for the first time properly. His mum left his dad and him and his brothers and sister when he was a small boy and he is so scared that its going to happen to him. Although I have every faith it wont. Maybe he should have faith and trust that that would never happen - but he isnt prepared to take any risks. Its not me, its him and if thats whats going to work for our relationship then I guess thats what I have to do

You shouldn't have to compromise your faith to save your relationship.

Thats the troble with going out with someone who doesn't share your faith.

Sorry if I sound harsh, but I think you're being naive and I've seen too many girls make the same mistake.


I don't mean to offend you, I'm just concerned.

 

[hugnluvable]

You havent offended me hun. Thank you for your advice and concerns.

Erica
xxx

 

[sculpturegirl]

I think it is possible, though unprobable, for two people to live together and not sleep together. Chastity is the bigger virtue here. We are called to live above reproach and live as to avoid all appearances of evil. I would say no way, no how, do not whatsoever move in together before you are wed. Go to the JP if you have to. Rent a room in someone else's house and don't spend the night at his place. He will respect you, even though it seems like a hassel and expensive.

When are you getting married?

 

[Ceris]

I'm a committed christian, he isnt. And I know that those first 6 words can start all sorts of arguments and debates. They're going on in my heart at the moment!

Its not going to be dangerous ground because we do have boundaries, and we will have seperate rooms etc etc. There are lots of reasons why we are planning this... but then again maybe there are the wrong reasons I dont know.

One is that my bf is scared that if we just move in once we're married we wont know each other as well as we did a couple of years ago and start to really really argue when we live with each other for the first time properly. His mum left his dad and him and his brothers and sister when he was a small boy and he is so scared that its going to happen to him. Although I have every faith it wont. Maybe he should have faith and trust that that would never happen - but he isnt prepared to take any risks. Its not me, its him and if thats whats going to work for our relationship then I guess thats what I have to do

Love and hugs
Erica
xxx

Erica, the others can give better than I can, but I do have to say this. What you are doing (are forgive me if this sounds cliche at all) is throwing yourself into not just a fire, but an inferno of temptation. It is just setting yourself up for trouble.

 

[Iggster]

Erica,

We love you as a sister....So please, take some of what the brothers and sisters are saying here into consideration. They've addressed the spiritual side of your question. Now, I'm going to address the issues you may face buying a home together as unmarried couple.

While buying a home is nice, how are you two going to take title to the property? Buying a home unwed is different from a couple who's married....Who's going to pay for the utilities, insurance, property taxes? Who's going to come up with a downpayment for the house? Who's going to pay the mortgage every month? Have you two actually sat down and broken the numbers down? I'd hate to burst your bubble here....But homeownership is a big responsibility. I don't live in your area, but there are legal issues that you face...I'm a realtor in San Francisco, CA. And I wouldn't recommend you two buying one, unless it's a business partnership. I've walked into homes where a couple is getting divorced. And when it comes to money, things can get really ugly.

 

[LiberatedChick]

I'm a committed christian, he isnt. And I know that those first 6 words can start all sorts of arguments and debates. They're going on in my heart at the moment!

Debates and arguments going on in your heart? Before you even buy a house make sure you want to marry. When my husband and I married we were both non-believers. About a month later I got saved and so I'm now unequally yoked. Believe me it's not easy...the Lord had good reasons when He told us not to be unequally yoked. When you're trying to grow and stick with the Lord it sometimes feels like taking one step forward and two steps back as a non-believer doesn't care about pleasing God or not sinning. Don't get me wrong, I love my husband but there are times when the all important journey with God feels hard and lonely. Maybe you should check out the unequally-yoked forum in the marriage ministry.

I also agree with Iggster, you need to work out who's paying for what and how you would go about doing something like this and how you would ensure you don't lose out if everything goes belly up.

 

[Emma!]

Please take all our advice, we have all had temptations such as these but be wise in what you do with them.

First off i think you already know its wrong. From what you have said in your heart you know its not right. Listen to that!!

I think you also know that it would be EXTREAMLY HARD (impossible) not to end up sharing a room and a bed etc ... not trying to upset or anything but it wouldnt suprise me if you have already learned this from last time you lived together.

Its obvious that if you walk right into temptation (by going out with a non-christian and then move in together) that you WILL be tempted several times and considering you are already compromising and not standing your ground (by moving in with him, and dating him in the first place) i think it would be VERY unwise to think that you could live in the temptation and still 'flee' it and not sleep with him. The Bible says to stay well away from it!!

Also im concerned that he will not marry you, he is already put off marriage because of his parents and like you said he wont take "any risks" etc....you have already lived together and that wasnt even enough for him, moving in together again is not going to change his feelings on this.

If you move in together, and buy a house and end up sleeping together ...then he has everything he wants, so why would he marry you? He would have no reason. And you would prob still not leave him then because you would have built your life with him and around him (and he will know that too). What will that do to your faith?

I think you really need to think about the fact that you are with him in the first place. If you are compromising your faith already for your relationship, imagine after marriage, it wont get any easier! I agree with the person above, you should go and have a read of some of the posts in the unequally yolked forum, I dont think you even have a glimps of what you are getting your self into.

Please dont make those life changing mistakes because of 'conveniences' or 'to please others' because if you do choose this, you will realise that it was not a convenient option after all and you will be the one who is disapointed.

God loves you and has SO much more than this in store for you and your life....he has the perfect person picked out for you and its all waiting for you...dont compromise any more, you already know what you should do. The past is the past, and it is forgiven. Move on and up and dont ignore the call on your life that God has for you. He has many blessings in store, His way is the best way, dont learn that the hard way.

If i am wrong in anything that i have said, i really am sorry, please forgive me. This is the exact same thing that happened to my best friend (she got preg too) and now i dont even know if she is a christian. It breaks my heart to see girls do this for 'love', NOTHING will ever forfill you except for God. And everthing is fleeting except for Him, dont forget that.

It is your decission in the end and no matter what you choose it wont change Gods love for you... but it may change yours for Him.

God bless you, you are in my prayers...please be wise and follow what God wants for you.

Love in Christ
Emma

 

[fluffy_rainbow]

People tend to use financial excuses to justify living together out of wedlock. Why can't he rent or buy a place closer to you and then you stay with your parents (or whomever you are presently living with) until after you're married? I can assure you, you will both benefit from not living together before marriage

 

[sculpturegirl]

I rented a work space and shared tools witha fellow I was involved with and *thought* I would marry. That sharing of things and space was VERY DETRIMENTAL to us spiritually. When we broke up it was as though we got a divorce and had to divide everything up. It was so horrible and I was so far from God that I feel very strongly about trying to prevent other girls from going through the hell I went through. Please listen to these other girls!!

Now I am engaged to a wonderful man. Even though it would make so much more sense for me to move in with him (I don't even have a shower!!) we are waiting until the wedding. Even if I am over there late, I get up and drive home. It is annoying and inconvienent, but we agree that it will better our marriage.

 

[Singin4Him]

I'm a committed christian, he isnt. And I know that those first 6 words can start all sorts of arguments and debates. They're going on in my heart at the moment!

That should be more your concern than whether you should move in together. Do you really want to commit your life to a man who does not know what loving you as Christ loves you means? He will never understand why you love this God more than you love him, which can and will cause jealousy of your relationship with God. That will cause not only strife between you two but possibly create a division between you and Christ. Why marry when you know you won't have a godly marriage unless he gets saved?

Its not going to be dangerous ground because we do have boundaries, and we will have seperate rooms etc etc. There are lots of reasons why we are planning this... but then again maybe there are the wrong reasons I dont know.

Boundries are hard things to continue when living together, they hard even when you don't live together ( I KNOW!). The dangerous ground is believing you can remain pure by living together but even more than that the dangerous ground is believing you can marry someone who does not love the Lord as you do. What does he have to remain pure for if he is not a Christian? If he only trying to remain pure for your sake?

One is that my bf is scared that if we just move in once we're married we wont know each other as well as we did a couple of years ago and start to really really argue when we live with each other for the first time properly.

Sweetheart that is half the fun of marriage! It's an exciting adventure getting to know eachother and all the fun and sometimes annoying little quirks about one another. Do you not think it really cheapens marriage by living together before hand with nothing left to disover after marriage? Where's the exciting part of marriage when you've already been living together and experienced things before hand? Not only that but you're twisting the idea of marriage if you believe by living together it will actually benifit your marriage. Statistically most people who live together before marriage end up divorces. Do you really want to take that chance?

His mum left his dad and him and his brothers and sister when he was a small boy and he is so scared that its going to happen to him. Although I have every faith it wont. Maybe he should have faith and trust that that would never happen - but he isnt prepared to take any risks. Its not me, its him and if thats whats going to work for our relationship then I guess thats what I have to do

Why do something you know is a wrong or a bad idea for him? Shouldn't that tell you something? If he is asking you to do something that is against your beliefs now do you not think it will continue? If he's worried you will leave now, what will change that by living together? Do you really want to marry a man with trust issues? Why not go to couples counseling rather than live together? Not only that but do you really want to live a life of doing for him and not having any say so in the matter? Stand up for what you know God wants, don't compromise and God will bless you. I can promise you now that God will not bless your marriage if you A)marry a man who is not a Christian because that is against his Word and B) live together before you are married, because you are cheapening his creation of marriage.

 

[EmSchmem]

I'm a committed christian, he isnt. And I know that those first 6 words can start all sorts of arguments and debates. They're going on in my heart at the moment!

Its not going to be dangerous ground because we do have boundaries, and we will have seperate rooms etc etc. There are lots of reasons why we are planning this... but then again maybe there are the wrong reasons I dont know.

One is that my bf is scared that if we just move in once we're married we wont know each other as well as we did a couple of years ago and start to really really argue when we live with each other for the first time properly. His mum left his dad and him and his brothers and sister when he was a small boy and he is so scared that its going to happen to him. Although I have every faith it wont. Maybe he should have faith and trust that that would never happen - but he isnt prepared to take any risks. Its not me, its him and if thats whats going to work for our relationship then I guess thats what I have to do

Love and hugs
Erica
xxx

Erica
Marriage is rough and there is going to be rough transition. You might want to mention to him that many studies have shown that 80% of couple who live together before marriage find themselves divorced (I think Univeristy of Wisconsin did one of those). If something is specifically going against God's word it is not what is going to work for your relationship.

 

[markdw82]

I must say that the advice those before me have left is quite good, so I hope very much that you take it into account, Erica. I had lived with my ex-girlfriend for 6 months and I must say that that was a very bad idea.

I do know a couple (both dedicated Christians) who had lived together for awhile prior to marriage and had remained virgins 'til they were married, so it is possible. However, it is extremely difficult. Ideally, they would've not lived together prior to marriage, however.

One is that my bf is scared that if we just move in once we're married we wont know each other as well as we did a couple of years ago and start to really really argue when we live with each other for the first time properly.

Personally, that logic does not make sense to me. If you're going to have problems living together, they'll happen whether or not you're married at the time. I don't think we're really supposed to know each other well when you first get married...that's part of the "marriage experience"...getting to know the other person better.

 

[halifaxhoney]

To tell you the truth, I would say go for it. If you've lived together before and you've been pure than I don't see the problem.

I also believe that the closer the quarters you live in with your so the more tempted you are to get physical however if you think that you can remain pure I don't see a problem.

I'm not trying to start a debate. This is my opinion please respect it.

Crystal

 

[sculpturegirl]

"Remaining pure" is SO much more than keeping your virginity in tact. Living as though you are married, whether or not you are having sex, IN NOT being pure!

 

[halifaxhoney]

Luckily for them they have an options. Others don't. I live a good life and unfortunately I've had circumstances that have led me to live with mine before marriage. I'm not ashamed of it.

Crystal