Broken Vows

[DesiringGodsBest]

Hi Everyone,

I am new here, and I am reaching out to ask for godly input regarding my marriage, which is currently in shambles. I was married last February to my friend of 9 years. We had a long distance relationship through the majority of our relationship, and I knew that he had a past addiction to pornography. Before we entered into a relationship, I told him that I would only be in a relationship if he was free from pornography and not living to fulfill the lust of the flesh. He told me that he was delivered, free from it for more than a year, and that he was never going to turn back to that. Fast forward to eight months into our marriage, I discovered that he had porn still on several devices (phone, cameras, computers, hard drives, storage devices), he had a browsing history of STALKING my female friends on Facebook (he even tried to get a job working with one that he had developed an "unhealthy lustful interest in", according to his own words). Once he was found out, I was devastated and he was in denial at first. We have finally come to a place where he apologized, though I am not certain if he has truly repented (turned from) his ways. He got off of Facebook and did install a monitoring program on his devices, so there have been some helpful steps to try to rebuild trust, but this all came crashing down for me last night, when we were talking about renewing our vows. He wanted to have a pastor come and facilitate the renewal of our vows, but instead of renewing the vows he made to me 10 months ago, he wanted to rewrite them to soften his commitments. Instead of saying "I promise to be faithful to you", he said that he will endeavor to be faithful, but he cannot promise to me that he will never lust after anyone. He not only broke his original vows, but now isn't willing to recommit to them. I understand that we are all sinners, but I also understand that God gives us the strength to overcome our flesh through His Grace. When we live in the Spirit, and by the Spirit, we do not fulfill the desires of the flesh because we live with a renewed mind and heart. Romans 8. I am so hurt by this and it makes me feel like he isn't fit to be a husband because he isn't willing to truly live by his vows or hold himself to them. He is making provision for future sin instead of promising me that he will live in the Spirit and not seek to fulfill the carnal desires of his flesh.

There are a lot of theological differences between us (he doesn't believe that the 10 Commandments apply to present day Christians, or any other law, for that matter). There are so many other problems in our relationship besides this that have left me shattered. He has allowed his mother, for example, to trample over me with accusations and unloving judgments. He doesn't defend me or protect me.

Rather than building me up in my walk with Christ, he is continuously tethering me to the world with concern after concern. How can I be with someone who didn't mean his vows, broke them, and refuses to recommit to them?

 

[Dave G.]

You can do it by following your own advise and keep God in this. It could be a long road with someone not committed to be faithful basically. He needs to at least try to be on board too LOL! But on the other hand being this early into the marriage, some churches would allow for an annulment of your vows and ultimately the marriage if he never really honored his vows.

 

[Endeavourer]

I am sorry for your situation and I bet your heart is breaking.

A marriage will only work if both partners have a 100% commitment to being faithful. Not only is your husband telling you he doesn't have this commitment, he's already showing you he doesn't in just this short time you have been married.

With this being a short marriage, and no children, I would send him on out the door until he is ready to make a 100% commitment to you, including full digital transparency.

There are two types of cheaters. The most common type is the person who developed an opposite sex friendship that accidentally got out of hand. The second type is the serial cheater - the person who looks for opportunities to cheat and intends to cheat. Your husband has done you a HUUUUUGE favor by letting you know he is a serial cheater upfront, and is allowing you to save your heart from shattering, repetitively, into the millions of bits and pieces from his hunting for the cheat and cheating.

Here's an interesting article about serial cheaters:

What to Do with a Serial Cheater

The only way a marriage with a serial cheater will work is for you two to be together 24x7, for him to not have any digital devices of his own and for him to only be on a computer when you are present. Most betrayed spouses aren't really interested in all of this, unless they are trying to keep their kids' home and heart from shattering into the million pieces that theirs just shattered into.

If I were you, I'd tell him to pack his things and get out. I'm so very sorry that you are in this situation. I'm very glad you had the opportunity to see this early in the marriage and not waste your time.

I would not waste any more heart, tears or time in this marriage. I'm so sorry.

 

[Endeavourer]

. Before we entered into a relationship, I told him that I would only be in a relationship if he was free from pornography and not living to fulfill the lust of the flesh. He told me that he was delivered, free from it for more than a year, and that he was never going to turn back to that.

He has a sexual addiction, likely not limited to pornography. How do you know addicts lie? When they are talking.

Fast forward to eight months into our marriage, I discovered that he had porn still on several devices (phone, cameras, computers, hard drives, storage devices),

Yep, addicts lie.

he had a browsing history of STALKING my female friends on Facebook (he even tried to get a job working with one that he had developed an "unhealthy lustful interest in", according to his own words).

Yep. Addicts lie. This is quite a whopper. This is likely only a small piece of the whole truth. Here you are clued into that he acts out these addictions - they are not "just" passive.

Once he was found out, I was devastated and he was in denial at first.

Yep. Addicts lie. Are you getting the idea yet? You should not believe a WORD he says.

We have finally come to a place where he apologized, though I am not certain if he has truly repented (turned from) his ways.

If you had to work this hard to get an apology, don't expect it to be real. Unless a man who has been unfaithful - and blatantly so! - comes to his wife repenting with his 'hat in hand', it is likely just to get you to leave him along so he can get on with it again - but taking more care to not get caught this time.

He got off of Facebook and did install a monitoring program on his devices, so there have been some helpful steps to try to rebuild trust,

A 10 year old can work around monitoring controls they know about. This was just to get you off his case.

but this all came crashing down for me last night, when we were talking about renewing our vows. He wanted to have a pastor come and facilitate the renewal of our vows, but instead of renewing the vows he made to me 10 months ago, he wanted to rewrite them to soften his commitments. Instead of saying "I promise to be faithful to you", he said that he will endeavor to be faithful, but he cannot promise to me that he will never lust after anyone. He not only broke his original vows, but now isn't willing to recommit to them.

Ha! At least he's letting you know now instead of you finding out time after time throughout the years.

I understand that we are all sinners, but I also understand that God gives us the strength to overcome our flesh through His Grace. When we live in the Spirit, and by the Spirit, we do not fulfill the desires of the flesh because we live with a renewed mind and heart. Romans 8.

That is for him to seek and persevere after. You cannot persevere or seek for him. It is his responsibility to heal himself and THEN, after having become a whole person again, offer you another opportunity (if you're still available).

DO.NOT get suckered into continuing a marriage with some crazy idea of sin leveling. That's where you equate the big with the little and call it even. Such as.... "He cyberstalks my friends that he lusts after and I have picked a zit, so we are both sinners that have work to to do make this marriage work."

I am so hurt by this and it makes me feel like he isn't fit to be a husband because he isn't willing to truly live by his vows or hold himself to them. He is making provision for future sin instead of promising me that he will live in the Spirit and not seek to fulfill the carnal desires of his flesh.

You should be! Your instincts are telling you something. Trust them!

There are a lot of theological differences between us (he doesn't believe that the 10 Commandments apply to present day Christians, or any other law, for that matter).

Don't let this bog you down. Theological harmony is not necessary for a wonderful marriage. It's a distraction from the issue at hand. Table this for now.

He has allowed his mother, for example, to trample over me with accusations and unloving judgments. He doesn't defend me or protect me.

This is another big problem, but not your worst right now. If you are not enthusiastic about spending time with such a mother-in-law, then spending time with her should be off limits. Here are some wonderful guidelines and ground rules for agreements in marriage.
The Giver & Taker
The Policy of Joint Agreement

However, focus on your other problem for now.

Rather than building me up in my walk with Christ, he is continuously tethering me to the world with concern after concern. How can I be with someone who didn't mean his vows, broke them, and refuses to recommit to them?

You can only be with such a man if you want your heart to shatter into pieces again and again.

 

[Endeavourer]

It could be a long road with someone not committed to be faithful basically. he needs to at least try to be on board too LOL!

This will be a torturous, interminable and eternal road of pain, heartbreak and despair. You did not sign up for this, and the Bible does not bind you to travel it.

 

[DesiringGodsBest]

"DO.NOT get suckered into continuing a marriage with some crazy idea of sin leveling. That's where you equate the big with the little and call it even. Such as.... "He cyberstalks my friends that he lusts after and I have picked a zit, so we are both sinners that have work to to do make this marriage work."

This is EXACTLY what he does!!! When I confront his sin and tell him how much it hurts and how much it breaks my trust, he lobs things at me and says "well, you're a sinner. None of us are perfect."

Your response is confirming my concerns but I have to say it is so hard. I've held on to hope not because I want to continue to be hurt or lied to but because I want to believe in God's redemptive power and ability to defeat the enemy's plan to destroy our marriage. But the hope is dwindling and I am not seeing a way forward with this man, other than to pray for his healing and divorce him.

 

[Dave G.]

"DO.NOT get suckered into continuing a marriage with some crazy idea of sin leveling. That's where you equate the big with the little and call it even. Such as.... "He cyberstalks my friends that he lusts after and I have picked a zit, so we are both sinners that have work to to do make this marriage work."

This is EXACTLY what he does!!! When I confront his sin and tell him how much it hurts and how much it breaks my trust, he lobs things at me and says "well, you're a sinner. None of us are perfect."

Your response is confirming my concerns but I have to say it is so hard. I've held on to hope not because I want to continue to be hurt or lied to but because I want to believe in God's redemptive power and ability to defeat the enemy's plan to destroy our marriage. But the hope is dwindling and I am not seeing a way forward with this man, other than to pray for his healing and divorce him.

I shouldn't speak for God but if I know Him like I believe I do know Him, He won't hold you to this marriage. You went in with full good intentions, your husband appears did not and never reformed. And there are no children, which is a blessing in this case. I believe in the redemptive power of God too but I also believe your husband has shown little to no signs of wanting redemption and the marriage is so young. Well enough of my rambling, you get the picture by now.

 

[Endeavourer]

This is EXACTLY what he does!!! When I confront his sin and tell him how much it hurts and how much it breaks my trust, he lobs things at me and says "well, you're a sinner. None of us are perfect."

This is a chilling and despicable tactic of psychopathic abusers. After a while they get you so mixed up that you can't see right from wrong. They do this little by little, and expand the outrageousness on you bit by bit until you are not phased by big, bold faced actions right in front of your face.

Your response is confirming my concerns but I have to say it is so hard. I've held on to hope not because I want to continue to be hurt or lied to but because I want to believe in God's redemptive power and ability to defeat the enemy's plan to destroy our marriage.

At this point, all of this responsibility is all between him and God. There isn't anything you can do to redeem him or encourage him towards it. He's behaving as if his conscience is seared by his addiction. Only he can change this.

edited to correct: Only he can change this if and when God changes his heart.

But the hope is dwindling and I am not seeing a way forward with this man, other than to pray for his healing and divorce him.

I'm so sorry. I agree with you. ((((hugs))))

E.

 

[chevyontheriver]

Hi Everyone,

I am new here, and I am reaching out to ask for godly input regarding my marriage, which is currently in shambles. I was married last February to my friend of 9 years. We had a long distance relationship through the majority of our relationship, and I knew that he had a past addiction to pornography. Before we entered into a relationship, I told him that I would only be in a relationship if he was free from pornography and not living to fulfill the lust of the flesh. He told me that he was delivered, free from it for more than a year, and that he was never going to turn back to that. Fast forward to eight months into our marriage, I discovered that he had porn still on several devices (phone, cameras, computers, hard drives, storage devices), he had a browsing history of STALKING my female friends on Facebook (he even tried to get a job working with one that he had developed an "unhealthy lustful interest in", according to his own words). Once he was found out, I was devastated and he was in denial at first. We have finally come to a place where he apologized, though I am not certain if he has truly repented (turned from) his ways. He got off of Facebook and did install a monitoring program on his devices, so there have been some helpful steps to try to rebuild trust, but this all came crashing down for me last night, when we were talking about renewing our vows. He wanted to have a pastor come and facilitate the renewal of our vows, but instead of renewing the vows he made to me 10 months ago, he wanted to rewrite them to soften his commitments. Instead of saying "I promise to be faithful to you", he said that he will endeavor to be faithful, but he cannot promise to me that he will never lust after anyone. He not only broke his original vows, but now isn't willing to recommit to them. I understand that we are all sinners, but I also understand that God gives us the strength to overcome our flesh through His Grace. When we live in the Spirit, and by the Spirit, we do not fulfill the desires of the flesh because we live with a renewed mind and heart. Romans 8. I am so hurt by this and it makes me feel like he isn't fit to be a husband because he isn't willing to truly live by his vows or hold himself to them. He is making provision for future sin instead of promising me that he will live in the Spirit and not seek to fulfill the carnal desires of his flesh.

There are a lot of theological differences between us (he doesn't believe that the 10 Commandments apply to present day Christians, or any other law, for that matter). There are so many other problems in our relationship besides this that have left me shattered. He has allowed his mother, for example, to trample over me with accusations and unloving judgments. He doesn't defend me or protect me.

Rather than building me up in my walk with Christ, he is continuously tethering me to the world with concern after concern. How can I be with someone who didn't mean his vows, broke them, and refuses to recommit to them?

Pornography is addicting. He may have intended to stay free of it, but that is an uphill fight. He may mean well but being addicted is a serious condition. You may think you didn't sign on for this but you should have known that it could come back again. So your question to yourself is whether you want to help him battle pornography or you want to leave him to his own devices. If you help him battle it, it will be a long battle where the enemy will always be waiting in ambush. You will need smart and firm help, people to whom he must maintain accountability, a community of believers who expect a lot from him and will challenge him to be the best possible version of himself. It won't be easy. But marriage is about helping your spouse to be a saint, not expecting they already are a saint and leaving when they aren't. If you are up to it, your husband needs lots of help.

 

[Endeavourer]

You may think you didn't sign on for this but you should have known that it could come back again.

She did not sign up for this and only married after he lied to say he had been free of it for a year.

Saying she should have known is not really fair to her in terms of what she signed up for.

I don't think she'll be so trusting about someone's lies about being clean from an addiction next time, but the lie is ALL on him, and not one bit on her.

 

[Dave G.]

She did not sign up for this and only married after he lied to say he had been free of it for a year.

Saying she should have known is not really fair to her in terms of what she signed up for.

I don't think she'll be so trusting about someone's lies about being clean from an addiction next time, but the lie is ALL on him, and not one bit on her.

Ya it's his lie alright. But Chevy does make good point about sticking around in marriage to help the other person through addiction. I mean first we are all sinners and in Gods economy a sin is a sin with one small sin having the gravity to put someone in hell as sure as porn or infidelity would, so she isn't automatically off the hook herself. She may have a shopping fetish and walk with one foot in the world or something ( just saying as an example). I am not a fast proponent of divorce myself. In her case though now is crunch time, it's a very young marriage, as I said before, many churches would annul the vows where it appears he is not holding up his end nor intended to. But only she can assess this, be it on her value scale or God's..

 

[Endeavourer]

But Chevy does make good point about sticking around in marriage to help the other person through addiction.

He's not asking for her help. It's impossible to help an addict who is not serious.

I mean first we are all sinners and in Gods economy a sin is a sin with one small sin having the gravity to put someone in hell as sure as porn or infidelity would, so she isn't automatically off the hook herself.

The Bible is very clear about sexual immorality being ground for divorce; I haven't seen the Bible say anywhere that only those who are free from sin are allowed to exercise the option.

I am not a fast proponent of divorce myself. In her case though now is crunch time, it's a very young marriage, as I said before, many churches would annul the vows where it appears he is not holding up his end nor intended to. But only she can assess this, be it on her value scale or God's..

My views on divorce have evolved a bit as I've gained wisdom and experience. I'm a proponent of fast divorce IF one spouse is espousing sexual immorality (by definition, outside of the marriage*) and refusing to stop (or lying about stopping). Actually, I believe the Bible offers a betrayed spouse has the right to exit the marriage even if the wayward spouse is repenting and promising to change.

It has been my experience that heaping man's fences upon the betrayed spouse instead of holding only to God's pure word has been disastrous and a waste of many betrayed spouse's time, heart and life. I believe that for us to hold a betrayed spouse to a higher standard than God does is trying to out-God God and is a very dangerous and unfruitful path to take.

edited to add: *with some abusive exceptions.

 

[Jane_Doe]

How can I be with someone who didn't mean his vows, broke them, and refuses to recommit to them?

Have you two attended professional counseling together?

 

[Dave G.]

He's not asking for her help. It's impossible to help an addict who is not serious.



The Bible is very clear about sexual immorality being ground for divorce; I haven't seen the Bible say anywhere that only those who are free from sin are allowed to exercise the option.



My views on divorce have evolved a bit as I've gained wisdom and experience. I'm a proponent of fast divorce IF one spouse is espousing sexual immorality (by definition, outside of the marriage*) and refusing to stop (or lying about stopping). Actually, I believe the Bible offers a betrayed spouse has the right to exit the marriage even if the wayward spouse is repenting and promising to change.

It has been my experience that heaping man's fences upon the betrayed spouse instead of holding only to God's pure word has been disastrous and a waste of many betrayed spouse's time, heart and life. I believe that for us to hold a betrayed spouse to a higher standard than God does is trying to out-God God and is a very dangerous and unfruitful path to take.

edited to add: *with some abusive exceptions.

Yes the ball is certainly in her court.

 

[DesiringGodsBest]

She did not sign up for this and only married after he lied to say he had been free of it for a year.

Saying she should have known is not really fair to her in terms of what she signed up for.

I don't think she'll be so trusting about someone's lies about being clean from an addiction next time, but the lie is ALL on him, and not one bit on her.

Thank you, Endeavourer. Before we even entered a relationship, he told me that he was praising God for having been delivered from porn/lust. We even went so far as to have a special ceremony to celebrate God's work in our lives and we left the "dead sins" behind by literally tossing them into the sea. I made it very clear that porn and any kind of adultery are not OK and I won't tolerate them in a relationship. He chose to be with me anyway and lie to me that it was no longer a problem for him.

Ya it's his lie alright. But Chevy does make good point about sticking around in marriage to help the other person through addiction. I mean first we are all sinners and in Gods economy a sin is a sin with one small sin having the gravity to put someone in hell as sure as porn or infidelity would, so she isn't automatically off the hook herself. She may have a shopping fetish and walk with one foot in the world or something ( just saying as an example). I am not a fast proponent of divorce myself. In her case though now is crunch time, it's a very young marriage, as I said before, many churches would annul the vows where it appears he is not holding up his end nor intended to. But only she can assess this, be it on her value scale or God's..

I recognize that we are all sinners; however, not all sins affect marriage the same way. If I trip over something and say something other than "shooting stars", it won't devastate my marriage the way it would if I were to have an affair. The "sin-leveling" tactic, as Endeavourer put it, is not helpful. It is an avoidance tactic, and a very damaging one at that. The answer to a sin problem is not found in the fact that we are all sinners, but in the One who died to forgive our sins and the Helper who was sent to empower us to live in the Spirit and no longer serve the carnal desires of the flesh.

He indeed is not holding up his end of the vows, and he hasn't from the start. It's a question of "will he ever?", and I don't want to live my life wondering that about my spouse. I absolutely despise the thought of divorcing him, but was there ever even a marriage to begin with if he didn't mean - or live by- his vows from the start? The mere possibility (and slim one at that) that he will be a man of his word isn't much to hold on to. A spouse should be someone that you trust with your life. I don't even trust him with my mother (he looks down her shirt- and admitted to it)!

He's not asking for her help. It's impossible to help an addict who is not serious.

The Bible is very clear about sexual immorality being ground for divorce; I haven't seen the Bible say anywhere that only those who are free from sin are allowed to exercise the option. AMEN!

My views on divorce have evolved a bit as I've gained wisdom and experience. I'm a proponent of fast divorce IF one spouse is espousing sexual immorality (by definition, outside of the marriage*) and refusing to stop (or lying about stopping). Actually, I believe the Bible offers a betrayed spouse has the right to exit the marriage even if the wayward spouse is repenting and promising to change.

It has been my experience that heaping man's fences upon the betrayed spouse instead of holding only to God's pure word has been disastrous and a waste of many betrayed spouse's time, heart and life. I believe that for us to hold a betrayed spouse to a higher standard than God does is trying to out-God God and is a very dangerous and unfruitful path to take.

edited to add: *with some abusive exceptions.

It is so very helpful to read this. It is such a huge burden to have to bear his fences. "Helping him along" is extremely time-consuming, heart-wrenching, and exhausting. Especially when he isn't willing to commit to CHOOSING to live in the Spirit each time he faces temptation. It is impossible in today's day to remove any potential sources of sexual/suggestive material. I try very hard to keep our home pure and free from such things, but every now and then is the unexpected catalog or billboard or commercial, and it pains me to see THAT LOOK in his eye. I can't choose for him, and unfortunately, he hasn't chosen God or me.

Have you two attended professional counseling together?

We saw two church pastors, a professional counselor, and a pastoral care person who struggled with a similar problem in his marriage. All of them keep telling him to "do the work" that it takes to earn my trust again, but he doesn't even trust himself not to fall again, so how can I?

Thank you all for your responses. I'm on my face asking the Lord what to do. It does help to have Biblical counsel and compassion through this.

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

While obviously he has some bigger issues then just porn, I do think telling him he has to be free from porn or else (essentially) is really harsh. I'm not saying you should accept the porn issue he has, but I am saying telling an addict to instantly stop something is like telling a 90mph car to stop on a dime. Addiction is a very deep issue with the brain. Its VERY hard to break most addictions. Drugs, drinking, lying, gambling....etc. For some it takes years if not their whole life to truly be free of an addiction. Because all it takes is one crack in their armor and the devil pulls them back into the addiction.

With that said obviously he needs help since this issue goes beyond just porn for him. And marriage counseling would very much help. Obviously he also needs to rely on Christ for the strength to stop, because we can't do it on our own. I know from my past issues.

Also a few have said to divorce him but rules on the forum say no one is allowed encourage divorce.

Like I said though he has bigger issues than just the porn issue. Especially since you two can't agree on many theological issues. This can kill a marriage quick. That and saying he wants different vows. Silly question since your obviously already married but had you two talked about your theological views before marriage? That could have saved alot of hurt on your end.

For now you just have to make the best of it and pray for a miracle so you two can work things out better (well more so him).

 

[Dave G.]

Hmmm, what would Jesus do, no what did He do ?

 

[chevyontheriver]

She did not sign up for this and only married after he lied to say he had been free of it for a year.

Saying she should have known is not really fair to her in terms of what she signed up for.

I don't think she'll be so trusting about someone's lies about being clean from an addiction next time, but the lie is ALL on him, and not one bit on her.

He had diminished capacity due to an addiction that he did not, most likely could not kick so completely as he promised and she expected. His falling back into pornography is evil, but to a degree inevitable if the addiction had not been totally dealt with.

Not blaming her, she should have known the reality that his addiction was likely to resurface. She wishfully presumed that it was all, totally, a thing of the past, that he gave his word, and that was that. Would we expect the same of an alcoholic? Would we expect the same in any other kind of addiction?

I'm not saying, not even suggesting, that she made her bed and now has to lie in it. I am instead suggesting that she can help him battle this and keep his tendencies in check. Pornography does real damage to a person's brain. He is damaged goods. He needs good help from a team of people who will help him battle this, learn custody of his eyes and of his thoughts, learn accountability, learn how to manage his time alone, and how to handle challenges without deviating into fantasy. She COULD do that. Or she can divorce him. She might even have good standing to do that if she claims he deceived her. But given the nature of the addiction to pornography, I don't think he deceived her as much as they both simply wishfully thought it was in the past. They should both have considered the nature of addiction. Then. And now.

 

[chevyontheriver]

Ya it's his lie alright. But Chevy does make good point about sticking around in marriage to help the other person through addiction. I mean first we are all sinners and in Gods economy a sin is a sin with one small sin having the gravity to put someone in hell as sure as porn or infidelity would, so she isn't automatically off the hook herself. She may have a shopping fetish and walk with one foot in the world or something ( just saying as an example). I am not a fast proponent of divorce myself. In her case though now is crunch time, it's a very young marriage, as I said before, many churches would annul the vows where it appears he is not holding up his end nor intended to. But only she can assess this, be it on her value scale or God's..

I am not at all comparing his sins with hers. Pornography is a HUGE sin, nothing like a shopping fetish. I am suggesting that she should effectively stand by him in sickness and in health. He has an addiction whose treatment can be effective but is not a one shot of penicillin kind of thing. It's going to take years and years of effort on his part and her part. I know now that my not suggesting divorce was an unpopular thing. Seems like dumping him would have been much more popular. And she probably will. But she would be doing so while ignoring the addictive nature of pornography and presuming that he could promise to just turn it off and be done with it. Addictions are not that simple.

 

[DZoolander]

That's a lot of nonsense to go through in just a few months of marriage and as a result I tend to be on the side of the people who are advising you to leave.

The fact that he's trying to excuse his nonsense by saying that "everyone's a sinner" is garbage. The fact he's trying to excuse future crap by modifying the vows to account for expected future behaviors is also garbage.

I tend to have different views on pornography than a lot of other people on here do (like I don't personally give it the weight of infidelity that others do) - but this goes beyond that type of difference of opinion. He's doing things to pursue your friends. That's a whole different level. It's one thing to perhaps get a random thought and go "Hey, I shouldn't be thinking that" and take active steps in your inner monologue to avoid it in the future. It's quite another to say "Well, that's just how I am, deal with it."

These things are so BASIC that I'm not all that optimistic about marriage therapy, either. I mean, do you really NEED to walk someone through the steps of why it's inappropriate to pursue your wife's friend? And really, what hope is there to actually fix things if someone needs that explained to them? If they're really that far on the selfish side of the scale?

I'd get while the getting is good. Check into an annulment.