bachelor party -please please help

[frustrated]

My boyrfriend and I are fighting because his friend is having a bachelor party in Vegas and I don't think he should go and he does. He assures me there will be no strippers (if there were he definitely wouldn't go). But I still feel hugely uncomfortable about it. I mean, if there is nothing shady, then why Vegas, aka Sin City and "what happens in vegas stays in vegas?" And how does he know nothing shady is going to happen? Plus I'm uncomfortable with the thought of guys not celebrating a marriage but acting like life is over for the groom. I think the whole thing is disrespectful and dishonorable. For me, this is a dealbreaker, and if he goes (and the fact that he even wants to go) is probably the end of our relationship. I wonder if I'm overreacting and if I'm not, how do I convince him I'm not just being a controlling gf and that it really is hurtful/disrespectful? I can't use biblical justification because he is not a Christian. I don't know what to do. I can't compromise how I feel on this one like I maybe can with other situations. And I don't know what I'm going to do without him I'm really devastated.

 

[Sketcher]

Well, if he's not a Christian you shouldn't be marrying him.

The Vegas thing does sound shady, but do know that strippers are not a requirement at bachelor parties.

 

[frustrated]

But even if there are no strippers, isn't a bunch of guys in vegas inherently shady?

 

[Sketcher]

The shadiness comes from the strippers and prostitution. Take those out, and you don't really have anything to worry about.

 

[Hope_0004]

I don't think guys and Vegas are necessarily shady. Vegas is a great, fun place, and doesn't have to involve strippers or prostitutes or even gambling... it's a very culturally rich city, and even though I doubt they'll be checking out any museums, I could completely see a bunch of guys wanting to get together for some good music and food and drinks... whether that's in Vegas or Chicago or Peoria, it could happen without it being "shady".

It really concerns me, though, that what he might want to do, which apparently doesn't even include any of the negatives about Vegas, would cause you to say that your impending marriage is off. These are things that most people talk about before the bachelor party gets planned. I mean, my boyfriend and I aren't even engaged, and we've already talked about the fact that if and when we marry, we'd prefer to have a big bash for the whole wedding party and other good friends, guys and girls, together. I have guy friends who can't really be in the wedding, he has girl friends... why not have one big party?

I think you should strongly investigate whether this lack of trust stems from something more. I would think that at this point, only "biggies" (like cheating, religious views, abusiveness or substance problems) would halt a wedding that is already being planned, if you were sure about each other.

 

[ChildOfGod20]

i don't like the idea of bachelor/bachelorette parties. my boyfriend and i have decided we will definitely not be having one. i don't think bachelor parties have to involve strippers or girls or anything necessarily sinful but i think it's stupid to act like it's the last time you can ever have fun again. and since it bothers you so much he should care enough to not go through with it. also, i know you most likely don't want to hear it but God doesn't want us to marry unbelievers. it's written right in the Bible and it's situations like these (bachelor parties) that would make it nice if you were both on the same spiritual level. you are going to have many other situations where you will not agree because you have biblical support for your decisions and he doesn't. God has a plan for your life and you should make sure you're following it. and once you are married you have made a covenant with God that cannot be broken.

 

[AutumnDreamer]

I agree with the other, if he is not a christian you are looking at alifetime of these kind of issues if you marry him. Vegas itself is not a bad place, it is the people and what they do that make it like that, and that can happen at any place in the world.

 

[austrianfoster]

i have never been even close to being engaged, but from what i've seen, it seems that the fact that one event could end your engagement in and of it's self is concerning. ideally either you would trust him enough to let him go and not worry, or he would care enough about your feelings to not go on his own. since neither seems to be the case, i would like to offer the following three things that got my attention.

first, is he even aware of how you veiw his acts? he may perceive this as just another "thing with the guys." which would make your feelings seem both random and unfounded to him. for this i would suggest simply talking to him about both your veiw of the trip, and what you think it means as far as his respect for you. it is not an unreasonable request for you to want to be respected.

second, while there is some merit to the argument that this conflict arises from differing fundamentat ideologies, i am more inclined to believe that your concept of relationships is the more relavant issue. perhapps you two need to talk about your expectations from the relationship. but this is something that i can't really help you with. all i know is that something about that aspect of your relationship isn't right.

third, for someone you want to marry, i guess i was expecting a greater trust. i know i kind of touched on this before, but it's important. what kind of marriage will you have if you can't completely trust them? make of this what you will, but i would think about it.

sorry i didn't have happier things to say, but it is better that you face the truth now than later. and don't get me wrong, this post by no means that your relationship is over, or things arn't looking good, these are just things to take into consideration. i havn't the foggiest idea what they will mean in terms of your relationship. they are simply points that struck me as interesting.


i hope that you can both find and follow the path that god has planned for you, and if you infact get married, then i wish you a long and happy marriage that will bring you both closer to god.

be blessed, and my prayers will be with you,
austrianfoster

 

[Carri20]

My boyrfriend and I are fighting because his friend is having a bachelor party in Vegas and I don't think he should go and he does. He assures me there will be no strippers (if there were he definitely wouldn't go). But I still feel hugely uncomfortable about it. I mean, if there is nothing shady, then why Vegas, aka Sin City and "what happens in vegas stays in vegas?" And how does he know nothing shady is going to happen? Plus I'm uncomfortable with the thought of guys not celebrating a marriage but acting like life is over for the groom. I think the whole thing is disrespectful and dishonorable. For me, this is a dealbreaker, and if he goes (and the fact that he even wants to go) is probably the end of our relationship. I wonder if I'm overreacting and if I'm not, how do I convince him I'm not just being a controlling gf and that it really is hurtful/disrespectful? I can't use biblical justification because he is not a Christian. I don't know what to do. I can't compromise how I feel on this one like I maybe can with other situations. And I don't know what I'm going to do without him I'm really devastated.

I agree with the people who said if he's not a Christian, don't date him. And this, to me, would be a VERY good reason to break up. Think of it this way... Take the hurt you feel right now, and multiply it by ten. That's probably what it'll feel like when you find out he's become a porn addict. Or has been sneaking off to strip clubs behind your back. Now take that and multiply it by 50. That's the minimum amount of pain you'll probably feel when he cheats on you or dumps you for another woman. Non-Christians are bad news all the way around. They don't have the Spirit in them to tell them right from wrong. So even if they know something's wrong, they won't feel as guilty about it. Instead they'll work on perfecting the art of the cover-up. And even if he would stay true to you and never lie, you can't totally "be one" with a non-believer. You can be one in body, and you might get along pretty well as people, but you will never be together in spirit. You're simply going in opposite directions in life.

 

[AutumnDreamer]

I agree with the people who said if he's not a Christian, don't date him. And this, to me, would be a VERY good reason to break up. Think of it this way... Take the hurt you feel right now, and multiply it by ten. That's probably what it'll feel like when you find out he's become a porn addict. Or has been sneaking off to strip clubs behind your back. Now take that and multiply it by 50. That's the minimum amount of pain you'll probably feel when he cheats on you or dumps you for another woman. Non-Christians are bad news all the way around. They don't have the Spirit in them to tell them right from wrong. So even if they know something's wrong, they won't feel as guilty about it. Instead they'll work on perfecting the art of the cover-up. And even if he would stay true to you and never lie, you can't totally "be one" with a non-believer. You can be one in body, and you might get along pretty well as people, but you will never be together in spirit. You're simply going in opposite directions in life.

This is a HUGE generalization that IMO is why so many people take "judge not lest ye be judged" out of context. Just b/c he is a non christian does not automatically mean he will become addicted to porn or cheat on her or anything like that.

 

[~Beauty_from_Pain~]

The main point here is: He is not Christian and you shouldn't be dating him as a Christian. The Bible says that we are not to be unequally yoked with unbelievers.

 

[peanutbutter12]

The thing that comes to mind here is: TRUST

To love is to trust. If you do love him, trust his word. There are other things to do in Vegas besides see strippers or pick up prostitutes.

CJ

 

[TonyH]

Well, from personal experience having a guys night out can be a bad thing. He may say that there will be nothing but what about his friends, what are they saying? Are they all Christians?

My wife still gets mad about my party and I can't blame her for being upset. If I had known then what I know after 20 years of marriage I would not have had the party. I would have gone to play golf and left it at that.

 

[superfly]

yeah, like all the rest, i cannot stress enough how important it is to not be dating a non-christian.

also, like the rest, i also have to agree that if you guys don't have those two basic levels of trust and love, then i see no reason to continue the relationship either.

tough points, but very necessary. it's for your own good...

 

[frustrated]

Thank you guys so much for all your advice. I do need to clarify a few things:
1) There are not going to be strippers involved.
2) I do trust him not to do anything I would think was cheating. In fact, I've never trusted any human more than I trust him.
3) It is not HIS bachelor party...it is a friend's. We are not engaged...there seemed to be some confusion

I guess my whole thing is that I can't get past the words "bachelor party" and "vegas." It's like I can't hear anything he says once those words are out because of the negative connotation. My boyfriend totally respects my views about strippers/porn and would NEVER do anything like that. And I trust him on that. I think it's important that you know that. That said, I continue to welcome all your views and thank you so much for your feedback.

 

[frustrated]

Oh...and about dating a nonbeliever. There is nothing more I would like than to have the opportunity to date/marry a Christian. The problem is...I am in my late 20s...Christians seem to be getting married in their early 20s, so there is no one my age. Also, I am divorced and have a child, and Christian men don't seem to want that. I can't blame them, but that doesn't change the reality that a real Christian man does not want me.

 

[frustrated]

Well, from personal experience having a guys night out can be a bad thing. He may say that there will be nothing but what about his friends, what are they saying? Are they all Christians?

My wife still gets mad about my party and I can't blame her for being upset. If I had known then what I know after 20 years of marriage I would not have had the party. I would have gone to play golf and left it at that.

What happened at your party? Why did it make your wife mad?

 

[AutumnDreamer]

Oh...and about dating a nonbeliever. There is nothing more I would like than to have the opportunity to date/marry a Christian. The problem is...I am in my late 20s...Christians seem to be getting married in their early 20s, so there is no one my age. Also, I am divorced and have a child, and Christian men don't seem to want that. I can't blame them, but that doesn't change the reality that a real Christian man does not want me.

I think you need to let God take control of your relationship. Going by this post above, it sounds as though you aren't doing that. There are plenty of Christian men out there, you just need to rely on God bringing him to you, rather then trying to find him yoursefl.

 

[Kestad9]

Oh...and about dating a nonbeliever. There is nothing more I would like than to have the opportunity to date/marry a Christian. The problem is...I am in my late 20s...Christians seem to be getting married in their early 20s, so there is no one my age. Also, I am divorced and have a child, and Christian men don't seem to want that. I can't blame them, but that doesn't change the reality that a real Christian man does not want me.

Don't say that dear, the all-mighty God of the universe has created someone for you. His arm isn't too short, neither His hand too small to accomplish great things. The Lord will provide if you wanna obey him.

Ask Him what He thinks, he loves when his childrens talk to Him and listen to his answer.

It is not because you're in a special situation that there's no hope. Maybe there's a christian men in his late 20's that's looking for just what your are.

Put all this in God's hands, He will show you what He wants and will provide in the best suitable way there is.

Don't settle for less than God's best

 

[avilagirl]

Hi, frustrated:

You need to be honest with yourself - you and your bf have a fundamental difference when it comes to what is respectful. Please believe me when I say that he is not going to change simply because you want him to. He is who he is. You HAVE TO BE honest about your differences NOW, before you've signed up for a lifetime of recurring tension over issues like this one. Obviously, something in your relationship is amiss, and your reasons for being with him aren't really fair to you or him.

Sorry to say this, but I guess I'm skeptical that there will be no raunchy stuff during this party. I just don't believe it, to be honest. But - even if there is nothing raunchy, you and your bf STILL have a major difference.

On a side note, I ended my last relationship over a Las Vegas bachelor party. My ex-bf (raised Catholic, goes to Mass every week) defended engaged/married guys being in strip clubs. That told me that he and I were NOT in sync when it comes to values. His beliefs about bachelor parties also made me lose respect for him. I'm happy I was able to be honest about our differences BEFORE I shackled myself to him forever. Ugh, to think now that I used to fantasize about having a family with him makes me shudder!

Well, good luck - let us know how it goes -