How it all started
Hi, I’m recovering from a period of severe depression and anxiety that began almost 10 years ago with the unexpected death of a friend, heartbreak after falling in love for the first time, and financial hurdles that derailed my career path (and what I thought was my calling).
The aftermath
My family, caught up in their own struggles, failed to recognize the support I needed and I “fell through the cracks”–left to handle my burdens alone. I began experiencing breakdowns and went on stress leave from work. My mental fragility was visible in some of these breakdowns, but in others, I manifested angry volatility that my parents misinterpreted as rebellious, bad behaviour. They threatened to kick me out of the house. But then my mom, worn down by struggles with my older sister and extended family (including caring for my aging grandparents), developed similar mental fragility. My parents subsequently began to realize that I was going through something unusual.
Had God not intervened on my behalf and given my mom a taste of what I was going through, I don’t believe I would be alive today (or I would’ve been kicked out and degenerated into living like a rotted, dead person). In my parents’ “love for me,” they would’ve shoved me off a cliff “for my own good,” unaware of how this would’ve destroyed me. I grew up in a great home with a very loving family, but this experience showed me that, if I’m going through something they don’t understand, they’ll leave me hanging, even if I’m on my last thread with no way to survive.
I also learned that God can hurt you. In The Chronicles of Narnia, there’s a story where some characters are running to deliver important news to the kings and queens about an upcoming attack. If I recall correctly, a lion (Aslan, as it turns out) comes up behind them and claws at them from behind. Later, the characters learn that he did that to make them run faster than normal (from adrenaline, I guess) so they could deliver the news sooner. In another Narnia story, a boy turns into a dragon due to his greed, and Aslan has to claw away his dragon skin to help him turn back into a boy. In the same way, God inflicted me for some purpose, but it still hurt deeply.
I knew God had brought about my painful experiences. He could’ve prevented them but didn’t. My crisis of faith wasn’t whether or not God is real, but rather, what to do with the realities that (1) God can do whatever He wants with me, (2) I can’t do anything about it and (3) God’s universe and plans don’t revolve around me and what I want.
I used food to relieve my stress and keep my head above water. Feeling guilty about my weight gain and binge eating, I purged for several months. When my mom found out, she was kind and helpful and looped in my sisters for support. I found out that my little sister, who’s my best friend, suspected I was throwing up but never said a word to anyone. Over the years, I’ve seen my sisters react with concern to friends who were suspected of having eating disorders or other issues, springing into action to make sure they were okay (like good Christians). But not me. I guess I wasn’t worth speaking up about. Once again, I had “fallen through the cracks.” (We talked about it a while later, and she apologized, but it’s still hard to grasp that she reacted that way.)
Since then…
I’ve grown a lot since that time. I’m back to work, taking care of my health, earning a decent living at a job that suits me, and I’ve managed to keep my family relationships intact despite battling anger and unforgiveness inside for years (still working on the unforgiveness part, but it’s coming around…). God helped me get through that time, although my recovery has been slow.
New chapter, new love
I’ve acquired a new love, which, in my usual fashion, isn’t panning out. For the first time in my life, I confessed (via email) my feelings to a guy—a gentle, humble person who knows how to handle me caringly. And he’s cute. Problem is, he’s not a Christian. When I confessed, I explained that it’s important to me to marry a Christian, so rather than asking him to be in a relationship, I asked if he’s interested in becoming a Christian (with a future together in mind). I know it’s unusual, but after years of battling feelings for him, it felt really good to just face this head on. I asked God beforehand and got peace about praying for him to become a Christian. I also had perfect peace after I sent him my message.
I figured he’d say yes or no, and that would be that. But there was a third option. He said nothing. I’m still in touch with him every so often for work (we’re in the same company), but he has continued treating me nicely with zero acknowledgement of my message. I know he received it, so that’s not the issue.
I think he ignored me to avoid hurting my feelings, but he doesn’t understand that leaving me hanging makes it worse. I want to either be happy with him or cry, move on and be at peace. Leaving me “on read” keeps me suspended in tension. I know everyone would tell me to take the hint and move on. But—brace yourself—I love him (it’s cliched but true). And I don’t know how to reconcile his non-response with the peace God gave me when I prayed about him. If he accepts Jesus, being with him would make me happy. I don’t want to let go unless he gives me a clear “no.”
Where you come in (if you want)
If you’ve read this far, bless your heart. Here’s where I need some help.
I’ve been carrying the stress, grief and pain from all this inside for years. My recovery from ultra-depressed vegetable to fully-function normal person has hit a ceiling, and I only recently realized that it’s because I’ve been carrying so much alone and need to offload.
I have some friends from church, but there isn’t the opportunity to lean on them with all of this. They’re busy with their own lives and families. And, as I mentioned above, my family isn’t the best at meeting me where I’m at. I’ve developed a wonderful daily devotional and prayer routine, so I talk to God regularly. But it still feels so alone. I don’t think I realized how much all of this is bogging me down, even now, years later.
I’m spent, stretched and frustrated from not feeling heard or understood by anybody. Can you please pray for me? Any encouraging words would also be really appreciated.
Thanks! (And I’ll pray for you too!)
Hi, I’m recovering from a period of severe depression and anxiety that began almost 10 years ago with the unexpected death of a friend, heartbreak after falling in love for the first time, and financial hurdles that derailed my career path (and what I thought was my calling).
The aftermath
My family, caught up in their own struggles, failed to recognize the support I needed and I “fell through the cracks”–left to handle my burdens alone. I began experiencing breakdowns and went on stress leave from work. My mental fragility was visible in some of these breakdowns, but in others, I manifested angry volatility that my parents misinterpreted as rebellious, bad behaviour. They threatened to kick me out of the house. But then my mom, worn down by struggles with my older sister and extended family (including caring for my aging grandparents), developed similar mental fragility. My parents subsequently began to realize that I was going through something unusual.
Had God not intervened on my behalf and given my mom a taste of what I was going through, I don’t believe I would be alive today (or I would’ve been kicked out and degenerated into living like a rotted, dead person). In my parents’ “love for me,” they would’ve shoved me off a cliff “for my own good,” unaware of how this would’ve destroyed me. I grew up in a great home with a very loving family, but this experience showed me that, if I’m going through something they don’t understand, they’ll leave me hanging, even if I’m on my last thread with no way to survive.
I also learned that God can hurt you. In The Chronicles of Narnia, there’s a story where some characters are running to deliver important news to the kings and queens about an upcoming attack. If I recall correctly, a lion (Aslan, as it turns out) comes up behind them and claws at them from behind. Later, the characters learn that he did that to make them run faster than normal (from adrenaline, I guess) so they could deliver the news sooner. In another Narnia story, a boy turns into a dragon due to his greed, and Aslan has to claw away his dragon skin to help him turn back into a boy. In the same way, God inflicted me for some purpose, but it still hurt deeply.
I knew God had brought about my painful experiences. He could’ve prevented them but didn’t. My crisis of faith wasn’t whether or not God is real, but rather, what to do with the realities that (1) God can do whatever He wants with me, (2) I can’t do anything about it and (3) God’s universe and plans don’t revolve around me and what I want.
I used food to relieve my stress and keep my head above water. Feeling guilty about my weight gain and binge eating, I purged for several months. When my mom found out, she was kind and helpful and looped in my sisters for support. I found out that my little sister, who’s my best friend, suspected I was throwing up but never said a word to anyone. Over the years, I’ve seen my sisters react with concern to friends who were suspected of having eating disorders or other issues, springing into action to make sure they were okay (like good Christians). But not me. I guess I wasn’t worth speaking up about. Once again, I had “fallen through the cracks.” (We talked about it a while later, and she apologized, but it’s still hard to grasp that she reacted that way.)
Since then…
I’ve grown a lot since that time. I’m back to work, taking care of my health, earning a decent living at a job that suits me, and I’ve managed to keep my family relationships intact despite battling anger and unforgiveness inside for years (still working on the unforgiveness part, but it’s coming around…). God helped me get through that time, although my recovery has been slow.
New chapter, new love
I’ve acquired a new love, which, in my usual fashion, isn’t panning out. For the first time in my life, I confessed (via email) my feelings to a guy—a gentle, humble person who knows how to handle me caringly. And he’s cute. Problem is, he’s not a Christian. When I confessed, I explained that it’s important to me to marry a Christian, so rather than asking him to be in a relationship, I asked if he’s interested in becoming a Christian (with a future together in mind). I know it’s unusual, but after years of battling feelings for him, it felt really good to just face this head on. I asked God beforehand and got peace about praying for him to become a Christian. I also had perfect peace after I sent him my message.
I figured he’d say yes or no, and that would be that. But there was a third option. He said nothing. I’m still in touch with him every so often for work (we’re in the same company), but he has continued treating me nicely with zero acknowledgement of my message. I know he received it, so that’s not the issue.
I think he ignored me to avoid hurting my feelings, but he doesn’t understand that leaving me hanging makes it worse. I want to either be happy with him or cry, move on and be at peace. Leaving me “on read” keeps me suspended in tension. I know everyone would tell me to take the hint and move on. But—brace yourself—I love him (it’s cliched but true). And I don’t know how to reconcile his non-response with the peace God gave me when I prayed about him. If he accepts Jesus, being with him would make me happy. I don’t want to let go unless he gives me a clear “no.”
Where you come in (if you want)
If you’ve read this far, bless your heart. Here’s where I need some help.
I’ve been carrying the stress, grief and pain from all this inside for years. My recovery from ultra-depressed vegetable to fully-function normal person has hit a ceiling, and I only recently realized that it’s because I’ve been carrying so much alone and need to offload.
I have some friends from church, but there isn’t the opportunity to lean on them with all of this. They’re busy with their own lives and families. And, as I mentioned above, my family isn’t the best at meeting me where I’m at. I’ve developed a wonderful daily devotional and prayer routine, so I talk to God regularly. But it still feels so alone. I don’t think I realized how much all of this is bogging me down, even now, years later.
I’m spent, stretched and frustrated from not feeling heard or understood by anybody. Can you please pray for me? Any encouraging words would also be really appreciated.
Thanks! (And I’ll pray for you too!)
