A vision for my singleness

[bèlla]

No man can pull a woman from Christ without a susceptibility to place him above the Lord. Some people desire a companion most of all. They’re willing to make uncharacteristic compromises because maintaining the bond...feeling...is more important than honoring their commitments and moral compass.

The relationship is their God.

~Bella

 

[Junia]

What makes you think there's any pressure involved if you participate in a singles group?

That has been my experience so far. am not saying they all like that. but am shy and i dont feel comfortable being made to "Put mysefl out there" especialy when i have no interest in meeting anyone.

 

[Lybrah]

Naturally *lol*
Over a billion? I don't know if I am confident there is that many sincere Christians... female or male. But What do I know

If you’re not pretty, that tent becomes infinitely smaller, as the men will pick prettier women even if you’re a better match for them. If you’re a woman, everything hangs on what you look like. Your personality will keep him, but your looks get you in the door. Without them, you could be a saint and everything they need but they won’t want to know you.

 

[Unapologetically_Wild]

Well, if a lovely lady like yourself was close by...I'd be more than happy to tempt fate and we could grab a bite.

But yeah...with more people staying single, longer...this is even happen at a secular level, too. But it does seem that single aren't catered to all that much and you feel like an odd duck as you're probably the only one in the congregration.

I think this has driven single Christians to stop attending brick and mortar church venues altogether. Because I RARELY see an unattached person at church these days. It seems to be more reserved for married people with families.

I am curious though, are you purposely not wanting to get married? I mean, are you purposely turning down date offers?

I think there was another post where someone was bothered by the fact there are no Christian singles groups or ministries.

Haha - sweet
oh well no - but I don't see any Christian Single males who are dating material. Not in my area. the only ones man enough to speak up are seculars. And seems the only place to meet singles is at bars - where I don't go. it's just the way it is.

 

[Unapologetically_Wild]

Yes, good point. It's rather unrealistic to expect this in a future partner. What's worse is, a Christian woman that only to be just like Jesus, but also to be 6 feet or taller with a full head of hair.

Also, what makes her think that she's going to be like Jesus all the time as opposed to seeing as it just being a lifelong goal to strive for?

I dunno, maybe I'm biased because I'm pretty much the last in my line in the family tree. At least on my father's side. Being an only child doesn't help with the loneliness and I don't have too many friends or they married and stopped keeping in touch.

In a nut shell, I desire marriage whole-heartedly.

Also, I don't know why people use anecdotal experiences of other people to deter them from this decision?

"Yeah, I knew this one couple that got married, they wound up hating each other, don't want to wind up like that....so...I'll never marry!"

1 + 1 = orange?

I did not say we both have to be like jesus all the time, or that I am.
But if a man is blatently not like christ - like pressuring me to have sex with him before marriage - then YES I do expect you to be like Christ. especially if you pretend to be a christian lol

 

[Unapologetically_Wild]

If you’re not pretty, that tent becomes infinitely smaller, as the men will pick prettier women even if you’re a better match for them. If you’re a woman, everything hangs on what you look like. Your personality will keep him, but your looks get you in the door. Without them, you could be a saint and everything they need but they won’t want to know you.

Same applies for guys tho

 

[bèlla]

Most women aren’t pretty. That would increase the dating pool. Not shrink it.

~Bella

 

[ThisIsMe123]

Haha - sweet
oh well no - but I don't see any Christian Single males who are dating material. Not in my area. the only ones man enough to speak up are seculars. And seems the only place to meet singles is at bars - where I don't go. it's just the way it is.

When you say actually Christian males that aren't "dating material" what does that mean? Basically men who don't want sex outside of marriage? I can get that.

I once went out with a woman that didn't believe in KISSING before marriage. I even spoke to a couple of friends that kind of knew her...and told them this...and they even thought it was strange.

There's this one female friend that I was considering dating, but I don't date women with young kids, so we just became good friends...but we really like each other...but like I said. Anyways, her and I are a big movie buffs. We were watching a movie and a trailer for a Terminator movie comes out. When an old character is revived...she gets really excited and she acted as such.

A few weeks later, the movie is about to come out and I asked her if she wanted to go see it. She said no, as she saw some of the clips online and there was cursing in it and it was rated R. And I was like, "Woah, where did this come from?" She said in the past few months, she was getting closer to Christ and by doing this would get her away from him. I like movies regardless of the rating, I just enjoy a good story and kind of filter out the bad stuff mentally.

Even more surprisingly, she thinks fasting brings her closer to God/Christ...which is a practice, even as a Christian, I've never heard of.

I asked her if she were to marry a guy, would it be okay for him to see said movie with a male friend, and she can stay home. She said, "no, because he'd be bringing sin into her home"

Does this put ME in that category of secular men that you speak of? Un-date-able by Christian women?

I think some Christian women just find themselves marrying secular men though, and have happy marriages. Though this does irk their fellow male church go-ers though. lol

Anyways, back when I was attending some Church singles groups...the women mentioned that yes, there are single men in her church...but...she wouldn't date them. Some of these ladies would bring an outsider (dating prospect) into church with her, and they'd get jealous. lol.

I think apparently these men were socially challenged in a sense. Weren't too attractive in many ways than just the physical. Like I said..a lot of social issues. Just not attractive to the women folk.

Reminds me of a time when a very attractive lady attorney came to a singles Bible study. She bailed early for whatever reason, but let's just say most of the members of the Bible study class weren't at....her level professional and her class of people. I mean...she's an attorney. Never saw her again, but only at the actual church service. I approached her asking where she'd been and she said it just wasn't her cup of tea. The men that tried to talk to her, I think, she wasn't feeling it.

I could go on about A LOT of anecdotal situations though. lol

I think most Christians tend to wind up marrying some kind of secular counter-part at the end that is Christian. And they actually turn out fine. *shrug* Go figure.

I think there's an article out there about why people aren't dating people within their own churches and such. So I guess they wind up on Christian Mingle if they don't want to hit the bars. But yet, I haven't heard too many good things about it either.

 

[bèlla]

I wouldn’t say that’s the case for most. But I understand the difficulty of finding like-minded suitors in Christian settings. You encounter a different masculinity. Women are accustomed to male assertiveness. We needn’t smooth the path to ourselves.

But Christian men desire a degree of relating that isn’t the norm in secular circles. A man won’t develop a friendship in the hope of something more. Those who do are criticized by their peers for accepting the friend zone. Secular men are more direct and they cut to the chase. If he beats around the bush its by choice.

Years ago I asked someone to be my accountability partner. He’s known me a long time. I never forgot his response. “How does that benefit me?” I was offended initially. Then he clarified his intentions. He wasn’t seeking a role. He was playing for keeps. Friends wasn’t an option.

I know many all-or-nothing men. If they desire friendship the connection begins on that note. They don’t allow women to put them in a box or work from the sidelines trying to win her over. Their calling card is respect. That’s the one they pursue.

While most aren’t believers, their self-regard is commendable. They don’t prostrate themselves to the opposite sex to have a partner. She must be worthy of walking beside him. Discovering that is part of the process.

Some of the posts by single men are troubling. The words and experiences recounted are debasing. Permissiveness is a swift path to weakness. Don’t allow yourself to be disrespected or entertain negative feedback regarding your appearance.

Stop believing the dumb reasons you’re given for their denial. Some people enjoy watching suitors jump through hoops. Others love saying no. Stay away from them.

Some of you need to raise the bar. You’re too accepting. You need a higher standard and better prospects.

~Bella

 

[ThisIsMe123]

I wouldn’t say that’s the case for most. But I understand the difficulty of finding like-minded suitors in Christian settings. You encounter a different masculinity. Women are accustomed to male assertiveness. We needn’t smooth the path to ourselves.

But Christian men desire a degree of relating that isn’t the norm in secular circles. A man won’t develop a friendship in the hope of something more. Those who do are criticized by their peers for accepting the friend zone. Secular men are more direct and they cut to the chase. If he beats around the bush its by choice.

Years ago I asked someone to be my accountability partner. He’s known me a long time. I never forgot his response. “How does that benefit me?” I was offended initially. Then he clarified his intentions. He wasn’t seeking a role. He was playing for keeps. Friends wasn’t an option.

I know many all-or-nothing men. If they desire friendship the connection begins on that note. They don’t allow women to put them in a box or work from the sidelines trying to win her over. Their calling card is respect. That’s the one they pursue.

While most aren’t believers, their self-regard is commendable. They don’t prostrate themselves to the opposite sex to have a partner. She must be worthy of walking beside him. Discovering that is part of the process.

Some of the posts by single men are troubling. The words and experiences recounted are debasing. Permissiveness is a swift path to weakness. Don’t allow yourself to be disrespected or entertain negative feedback regarding your appearance.

Stop believing the dumb reasons you’re given for their denial. Some people enjoy watching suitors jump through hoops. Others love saying no. Stay away from them.

Some of you need to raise the bar. You’re too accepting. You need a higher standard and better prospects.

~Bella

Yes, that "How does it benefit me?" is very off-putting, Christian or not. It reeks of entitlement. Of course, there are men that will have an end game for spending one-on-one time with a woman of their interest, possibly romantic. And yes, it is all or nothing for some of them. That men can never be friends with women.

Funny story, I recall meeting a Christian woman on Match. Early 50s, no kids, never married. Lives alone. Into the same hobbies...VERY ideal. She recently moved to the area and was probably one of the very few intelligent, attractive and unattached single women in the area. Very well versed, and articulate. Professional. In an area where it's mostly blue collar workers and, well, Confederate flag wavers, I would imagine it was kind of a relief to have met someone that's kind of like her on the level of intellect.

We went out a couple of times, and she insist on paying her own each time. I had no problem with it, I was cool with it.

Lately, I have been singing a different tune on actually being friends with women. I felt more at peace when I wasn't expecting anything.

Anyways, after a couple of dates, she said she wanted to work on herself, but was open to being friends though. I was 100% cool with it.

Later on, I entertained us hanging out somewhere, see a movie or grab a bite. And I was blown off consistently by her. I couldn't help but think that her offer of friendship was a bollocks one...and it was just a nice way of her to tell me, "It wasn't a good match, good luck to you" and not an invite to spend time with each other in ANY capacity...even in friendship.

I have had this happen to me on more than one occasion, but I couldn't help but to think the fact she was on a dating site has made her this way as she DOES have a goal of finding a future romantic partner...and by hanging out with me on a friendship basis would undermine that...as opposed to having said, met her in church or organically outside of a dating platform because...people on dating sites have a strict GOAL in mind.

Their mindset is focused on that. Of course, there is some Christian concept of "Dating with marriage in mind".

I think this is where someone mentioned why they don't go to singles Bible Studies or single groups hosted by a local church...and for that reason. Should a bunch of single people get together for a dinner night...well, there'd be too much pressure there to find a mate...as opposed to get to know each other organically.

Of course, singles ministries tend to dry up once people do hook up , date and get married...and the rest of us are that are single are like sticks in the wind. lol

 

[Lost4words]

I very much prefer to be single. You see, i am not good at sharing things. Like my ball, my bowl or my master!

 

[bèlla]

Yes, that "How does it benefit me?" is very off-putting, Christian or not. It reeks of entitlement.

It wasn’t that. He was addressing two things in the statement. His unwillingness to hide his interest and refusal to use accountability as a ruse for greater intimacy. He told me the truth instead. Knowing I couldn’t agree because of my faith.

Of course, there are men that will have an end game for spending one-on-one time with a woman of their interest, possibly romantic. And yes, it is all or nothing for some of them. That men can never be friends with women.

The men I described aren’t incapable of befriending women. They refuse to form platonic connections if companionship is the goal. If he desires her that doesn’t go away because he’s a pal.

Lately, I have been singing a different tune on actually being friends with women. I felt more at peace when I wasn't expecting anything.

I’ve never had relationships develop in that fashion. But I know it happens. I like knowing where I stand. Are things improving with the change?

I couldn't help but think that her offer of friendship was a phony one...and it was just a nice way of her to tell me, "It wasn't a good match, good luck to you" and not an invite to spend time with each other in ANY capacity...even in friendship

Many will avoid the truth to prevent an unpleasant exchange. Especially online.

as opposed to having said, met her in church or organically outside of a dating platform because...people on dating sites have a strict GOAL in mind.

Some will entertain prospects they’re not interested in for the sake of company. ‘Friendship’ is a polite guise for doing so. I’m not suggesting it’s impossible to develop a bond in that scenario. But I’ve been down this road.

I declined but we remained in touch. We enjoyed each other’s company. His interest didn’t relent. It seeped out every now and then. He was biding his time. Lesson learned.

I think this is where someone mentioned why they don't go to singles Bible Studies or single groups hosted by a local church...and for that reason.

I’m not manhunting at church.

Practically speaking, it isn’t an ideal place (for me) to meet a suitor. The sifting process is harder. There’s too much to wade through. I deal with the secular qualities then address beliefs. Most relationships end over practical matters. Many are enamored by the spiritual and give less attention to the bread and butter issues which end a marriage.

Of course, singles ministries tend to dry up once people do hook up , date and get married...and the rest of us are that are single are like sticks in the wind. lol

You’re in a different mindset. There’s a freedom in singleness that’s absent when you’re considering the wants and needs of a companion. You can’t feed autonomy and have a healthy relationship.

I think single groups are important at early stages. But they can be an impediment to finding a companion. Some people get comfortable and lack the motivation to put themselves out there. I used attend married small groups for that reason. At first it was awkward. But I learned a lot. It prevented me from dwelling on my circumstances.

~Bella

 

[Lybrah]

A vision for my Singleness


It is so true that in today’s church culture - especially may I add for the ones in the so called “Bible Belt”- that being single is viewed as something to be despised and frowned upon. We are “abnormal” not “fully grown” parts of an adult culture, where being married and having a family is being idolized to the max.


This is leaving a deep identity crisis for many of my age (if you don’t know, I will be 32 in July “Woop….”) and deepens our sense of loneliness to the max. Where is there a place for us - middle aged single people? Should we go to the young adults ministries where issues are being handled that rarely pertain to our own situation? Where 18-24 year olds look at us as weird “Old wanna be young” people? We are not stranded Beach Whales. We are single. Not lepers.


But there is the single college ministries and then we hop into the married couple ministries. The mother or expecting mother ministries. The children’s ministries. The old People ministries and prayer groups where people of this category are seen as freaks as well and I get a sense of “Oh I wonder how long she will hang in there”.


Really? Because we seem to forget that our Saviour, blessed and holy Jesus himself was indeed SINGLE! And in his ministry he was in his thirties! He was happy, not chasing this idol called marriage. Or relationship. He was fulfilled by the ministry his Father had for him, his relationship which was perfect with Holy Spirit and Father God AND his disciple and the people he knew on a horizontal level here on earth.


YOUNG SINGLE PEOPLE - Stop chasing a relationship with a person out of loneliness. There is probably nothing worse than to be lonely in a marriage you fell into out of desperation to escape loneliness and now you feel trapped because you are also not meant to be divorced. And I mean who wants to be that person at 24? WAIT for the Lord but don’t be discouraged or even depressed.

Jesus and Paul had so much to say to single people. We are the enviable ones. The ones that can focus their entire lives on serving Jesus, being used by Him for His amazing works. Getting to know him more deeply than our fellow sisters and brothers in marriages might never be able to. But if we keep running and hidin from the truth that SINGLENESS isn’t a curse…. It’s a tremendous blessing in fact…. Then we will never be fulfilled in our season of life.


The only events we see celebrated is Engagements, Marriages, Baby announcements, Births and all this stuff - because having a family seems to be what people expect us all to submit to. All of which - when we scroll through Instagram - makes us feel even more abnormal and lonely. Well perhaps just take a Sabbatical from the whole social media thing. To reconnect to God’s heart for you - that he doesn’t view you as a freak for being single but wants you to reach out to HIM in the midst of it more than ever.


I am going to attach a Sermon from Bridgetown Church on singleness to this post - and if you are not single or if you are single - please listen to it. Because the single people in your communities need to have the church as a family come around us too - we are part of your family and we can do more than you can - give us a part in your churches. Because we have TIME! GOSH TIME IS ALL WE HAVE! We don’t have children that depend on us every minute of every day so REACH OUT and let us take part in the ministries of our churches. We are not incapable and not dysfunctional in our singleness. Please stop looking on us as if we need to reach a different stage in life to be acceptable members of our family - we aren’t the freaky weird aunt or uncle. We are in the prime of our lives - just like you - and we want to be taken seriously.


Help us to be able to embrace the gift of Singleness - whether it is for life or for a Season.


Yours in love -

All Single Christians


Sermon Link:

Singleness - Bridgetown Audio Podcast

Some people say we’re selfish and we don’t want to share. But it’s not that. I like being alone sometimes and I am picky about who I’d want around me 24/7.

 

[Sir Robbins]

being single my whole life (earlier by circumstance, I tried not to be) and now more by choice, I have altered much of my life to make things easier on me. I eat at odd times if I go out to avoid crowds who see me alone, I go to movies on Tuesday in the early afternoon, I hang out in pool halls and cigar lounges along side other single men in their 30s like me. Rarely ever even encounter women now except via waitresses and retail associates. Being alone doesn't bother me unless I am surrounded by people who are paired up or with families and that happens to be churches more than anywhere. I used to be be the guy who came in after the music was done, sit in the back row, never say a word to anyone and as closing prayer started, I left. lol I was told this was not what church was about

I don't think there are many places we can go where it is acceptable or encouraged in our age range. Sad times. I would never participate in the dating scene. They get together for the wrong reasons. I want a best friend. Plain and simple. oh well.... my mother even accepts my fate lol I feel like things could get really bad in the coming years and it may be wiser to stay single, especially holding onto money in this coming crash.

 

[ThisIsMe123]

being single my whole life (earlier by circumstance, I tried not to be) and now more by choice, I have altered much of my life to make things easier on me. I eat at odd times if I go out to avoid crowds who see me alone, I go to movies on Tuesday in the early afternoon, I hang out in pool halls and cigar lounges along side other single men in their 30s like me. Rarely ever even encounter women now except via waitresses and retail associates. Being alone doesn't bother me unless I am surrounded by people who are paired up or with families and that happens to be churches more than anywhere. I used to be be the guy who came in after the music was done, sit in the back row, never say a word to anyone and as closing prayer started, I left. lol I was told this was not what church was about

I don't think there are many places we can go where it is acceptable or encouraged in our age range. Sad times. I would never participate in the dating scene. They get together for the wrong reasons. I want a best friend. Plain and simple. oh well.... my mother even accepts my fate lol I feel like things could get really bad in the coming years and it may be wiser to stay single, especially holding onto money in this coming crash.

Been a while since this post was bumped. So you're in your 30s. I thought you were in your 40s or 50s? Yes? No?

I can understand this attitude in your 40s/50s, but 30s...you're kind of in your prime to be "single and looking"

I am guessing by the environment you live in, it's a smallish, suburban city, leaving you with very little opportunity to meet single ladies over legal drinking age (21)? lol. (Not that you drink, just an idea that beyond 21 I think they are poppin' out kids by mid 20s in that area.

Same here.

Funny, the only attractive ladies where I live are the young servers. There is this one older, cute 45 year old server at a locally owned place that was featured in a small town magazine who is bringing people together with her personality. Kind of an unusual situation. She is a career waitress.

 

[Sir Robbins]

Been a while since this post was bumped. So you're in your 30s. I thought you were in your 40s or 50s? Yes? No?

I can understand this attitude in your 40s/50s, but 30s...you're kind of in your prime to be "single and looking"

I am guessing by the environment you live in, it's a smallish, suburban city, leaving you with very little opportunity to meet single ladies over legal drinking age (21)? lol. (Not that you drink, just an idea that beyond 21 I think they are poppin' out kids by mid 20s in that area.

Same here.

Funny, the only attractive ladies where I live are the young servers. There is this one older, cute 45 year old server at a locally owned place that was featured in a small town magazine who is bringing people together with her personality. Kind of an unusual situation. She is a career waitress.

I am honestly not looking. I live in St Augustine so it's mostly college girls and divorced women in their 40s+. I go to Orlando and Atlanta for work a lot but 2 of my non-negotiables just don't sit with many single women (no kids, no alcohol). I'm coming to the acceptance of just doing life my way without anyone like I have been doing for most of it. The longer one goes alone, the more complacent one becomes and the harder it is to break free of it.

 

[ThisIsMe123]

I am honestly not looking. I live in St Augustine so it's mostly college girls and divorced women in their 40s+. I go to Orlando and Atlanta for work a lot but 2 of my non-negotiables just don't sit with many single women (no kids, no alcohol). I'm coming to the acceptance of just doing life my way without anyone like I have been doing for most of it. The longer one goes alone, the more complacent one becomes and the harder it is to break free of it.

Unfortunately, some men haven't taken your attitude, and it's become unhealthy for them. There's articles going around about the increased loneliness men feel, and solitary lives are making an impact on them psychologically.

 

[Sir Robbins]

Unfortunately, some men haven't taken your attitude, and it's become unhealthy for them. There's articles going around about the increased loneliness men feel, and solitary lives are making an impact on them psychologically.

I have read many of these and one was a study saying 63% of men under 30 are single. I'd be willing to bet that isn't the desire of most of them and while much of it is their fault, there is a lot of issues stemming from women's side as well. Unrealistic expectations, often from an addition to social media and pop culture that most men will never live up to. I laugh when I see these passport bro articles. I hope they realize a woman overseas is more likely to wish to be stay at home caregiver and be taken care of than a woman here in a career. lol They spend so much time trying to find the right woman that they never stop and think if they are the right man for that woman. Men like me spent their 20s improving themselves financially, physically and spiritually. Emerging in my 30s to find women my age less than desirable is disheartening. Most have spent their 20s being harlots and developing alcoholic issues and are deep in debt. I'd rather stay solo than to get involved with them, hence my position.

 

[ThisIsMe123]

I have read many of these and one was a study saying 63% of men under 30 are single. I'd be willing to bet that isn't the desire of most of them and while much of it is their fault, there is a lot of issues stemming from women's side as well. Unrealistic expectations, often from an addition to social media and pop culture that most men will never live up to. I laugh when I see these passport bro articles. I hope they realize a woman overseas is more likely to wish to be stay at home caregiver and be taken care of than a woman here in a career. lol They spend so much time trying to find the right woman that they never stop and think if they are the right man for that woman. Men like me spent their 20s improving themselves financially, physically and spiritually. Emerging in my 30s to find women my age less than desirable is disheartening. Most have spent their 20s being harlots and developing alcoholic issues and are deep in debt. I'd rather stay solo than to get involved with them, hence my position.

I have a good Christian friend pushing 50 now. Speaking of passport bros, he's engaged to a Moroccan woman in her late 20s. She's multilingual, and has a Fiance' VISA on the books, but it's like a year and a half wait for him to get her to the states.

He's a cool guy, but I'm guessing this move was based on his lack of luck dating American women, but he's never complained about them in a long while...as I've only recently reached out to him.

His mom is excited for him, he got down on one knee to propose to her in front of her family (video footage). And she posted her son's engagement announcement on her page.

Now, he's just going over to visit her multiple times a year, until he can get her over here.

For a while, he was posting pics of himself in Morocco, but no one knew who it was that was taking the photos. It was only then he revealed it was her once he announced their engagement. (Purposely keeping it on the downlow via social media). He didn't want to say anything until it was a lock.

Seeing that whole thing go down...well....it's very attempting for me to be a "passport bro". I asked him about the site he went to. So...*Shrug* who knows.
But it'll be a costly endeavor with all those trips.

 

[Sir Robbins]

I have a good Christian friend pushing 50 now. Speaking of passport bros, he's engaged to a Moroccan woman in her late 20s. She's multilingual, and has a Fiance' VISA on the books, but it's like a year and a half wait for him to get her to the states.

He's a cool guy, but I'm guessing this move was based on his lack of luck dating American women, but he's never complained about them in a long while...as I've only recently reached out to him.

His mom is excited for him, he got down on one knee to propose to her in front of her family (video footage). And she posted her son's engagement announcement on her page.

Now, he's just going over to visit her multiple times a year, until he can get her over here.

For a while, he was posting pics of himself in Morocco, but no one knew who it was that was taking the photos. It was only then he revealed it was her once he announced their engagement. (Purposely keeping it on the downlow via social media). He didn't want to say anything until it was a lock.

Seeing that whole thing go down...well....it's very attempting for me to be a "passport bro". I asked him about the site he went to. So...*Shrug* who knows.
But it'll be a costly endeavor with all those trips.

I have chatted with a few women in Norway and Canada. There seem to be more aligned with me outside the borders as well so maybe that will be a future endeavor for myself too.