Managing Extroverted Greeters

[Chips]

I'm very introverted and probably level 1 ASD. I want to find a church to go to. I tried a nearby church twice a few years ago but haven't been able to convince myself to go back because the greeters are so excessively extroverted and they made me very uncomfortable, not just greeting at the door but deciding on their own to follow me all the way in and then fetching additional people to small talk to me later in the service even though I told them it was not my first time there. It was way too much and I have not yet been able to convince myself to go back even though it seems like the most likely church for me to be able to attend. I am thinking about trying to show up super late in the hope that the greeters will be off duty at some point even though that will mean missing most/all of the worship and possible difficulty finding a seat. Maybe I could try walking around the building to see if any other doors are open and unmanned, but I don't think it is likely that there are other unlocked doors. So I think that I need to prepare myself for the strong probability that I will again encounter highly extroverted greeters.

Is there a way to politely tell an excessively enthusiastic greeter to back off and leave me alone? Should I try heading for the bathroom instead of finding a seat if they are following me in again? How can I escape from them? Does anyone have any ideas short of just turning around and leaving?

 

[PloverWing]

Here are two possibilities that might help.

1. Reply to the greeters politely but directly: "Thank you for trying to make me feel welcome. I'm very introverted, and crowds of people make me feel uncomfortable, so I'll be much happier if I can sit over here by myself. But thank you for welcoming me."

The greeters are trying to do a good thing (so politely acknowledge that), but they don't realize they're doing something that's bad for you (so tell them).

2. This may be challenging for an introvert, but if you have a friend who could go with you a couple of times, that friend might be able to speak on your behalf. (Giving the same speech as in #1, but if the friend is less introverted than you, they might be more comfortable speaking on your behalf to strangers.)

Sorry about the overenthusiastic greeters! I hope you are able to settle into a good church home.

 

[peaceful-forest]

I can't help but think that the greeters have misjudged you and believe you are a physical threat to the church.

I think it's possible they were trying to get more information out of you to make sure you weren't going to do something bad.

Since you said this happened a few years ago, it may be possible that the church does not have this extreme form of greeting anymore.

I do not recommend hiding in the bathroom when you get there, I think it will cause suspicion.

The above poster recommended going with a friend. I think you should do that if you can (or a trusted person).

If someone greets you, smile and say "hello". You may have to explain you are introverted and have a form of autism. I hope they leave you alone after that.

 

[Chips]

Going with a friend is not a possibility. I don't have anyone to ask to go with me.

I didn't get the impression that they thought I was a threat. I don't think I would fit the visual profile of a potential threat based on gender, race, etc. and the area the church is in is not one where people are likely to be that suspicious of each other. As in, most people feel comfortable leaving their homes and vehicles unlocked. The only thing visually unusual about me in church is that I walk in alone, with no family. If I thought that they considered me a potential threat, I would definitely never even consider going there ever again. That would be mortifying and would 100% be an instant deal breaker for me. It would probably be enough to make me never go to any church ever again. I don't like making other people uncomfortable.

I don't know what the purpose of following me in was. I had already done my best to be polite and answered far more small talk questions than I think were necessary. I was not given any help in locating a seat and the church was not close to capacity, so the greeter was not also filling the role of usher. Based on the fact that she then brought a person to talk to me later on, who she chose based on my earlier answer to where I lived, I have to conclude that she was excessively extroverted and thought that I would like lots of attention and people and small talk and all the things that give introverts nightmares.

I don't feel comfortable telling random people in real life that I am autistic. My personal information is personal and random people aren't entitled to medical information. Maybe church just isn't for me.

 

[ozso]

They're trying to make extra sure newcomers feel welcome and not neglected in any way. Lots of people go to church to socialize. I think your only option is to suffer through it until it subsides. Hopefully you'll quickly gain the status of a regular attendee who keeps to yourself.

 

[JEBofChristTheLord]

She was not excessively extroverted. She was excessively not paying attention. Rather, she was focusing on being obedient to the letter given to her, following a script required for her assigned role of greeter. And very possibly, if she didn't behave like that, she would have to defend her actions or lose her position, depending on the real preparedness of her supervision. Not certainly, of course, but I have seen this occur. I can understand your situation well. Unwanted and unhelpful attention does occur in these situations.

And some churches are built like that, where the letter of the role is made more important than the love of neighbor, by behavior of the staff. Many churches are not built like that. Rather a good idea to find one that's not. Depending on your area, it may take some effort.

We used to have an extreme case of that around here, peripheral to the topic. A local church had had a great drive-up ministry for quite a long time, many years, around Christmastime. Tens of thousands of unchurched folks receiving a real Gospel message, in their cars, in the parking lot, with live music and light show, two shows per night over several nights every year, applause by headlight-flash to reduce noise, very nicely done. Then they decided against it, set up something inside, and it was disturbing to myself and select others with whom I discussed it. Sickly-sweet effusivity was dominant, the pastor was dressed in a $2000 suit like the worst used-car salesman Sweet Lori and I have ever seen, and more. Not sure what they're doing now, but they have lost much of that wonderful gift that they used to have.

 

[Chips]

She was not excessively extroverted. She was excessively not paying attention. Rather, she was focusing on being obedient to the letter given to her, following a script required for her assigned role of greeter. And very possibly, if she didn't behave like that, she would have to defend her actions or lose her position, depending on the real preparedness of her supervision. Not certainly, of course, but I have seen this occur. I can understand your situation well. Unwanted and unhelpful attention does occur in these situations.

And some churches are built like that, where the letter of the role is made more important than the love of neighbor, by behavior of the staff. Many churches are not built like that. Rather a good idea to find one that's not. Depending on your area, it may take some effort.

We used to have an extreme case of that around here, peripheral to the topic. A local church had had a great drive-up ministry for quite a long time, many years, around Christmastime. Tens of thousands of unchurched folks receiving a real Gospel message, in their cars, in the parking lot, with live music and light show, two shows per night over several nights every year, applause by headlight-flash to reduce noise, very nicely done. Then they decided against it, set up something inside, and it was disturbing to myself and select others with whom I discussed it. Sickly-sweet effusivity was dominant, the pastor was dressed in a $2000 suit like the worst used-car salesman Sweet Lori and I have ever seen, and more. Not sure what they're doing now, but they have lost much of that wonderful gift that they used to have.

That's a troubling thought. If that's what the church wants to happen then I definitely don't belong there.

 

[Chips]

They're trying to make extra sure newcomers feel welcome and not neglected in any way. Lots of people go to church to socialize. I think your only option is to suffer through it until it subsides. Hopefully you'll quickly gain the status of a regular attendee who keeps to yourself.

There is also the option of not going back. That's what I've done for the past few years.

 

[ozso]

There is also the option of not going back. That's what I've done for the past few years.

Sure. But I think from past experience it's best to see it through. It's good to have some acquaintances, even if superficial. I've found that a small church with an easy going accessible pastor is the best environment for me. I came to realize some time ago that it's best to have people who know you outside of family members. You never know if you're going to need character references or some sort of support.

 

[Chips]

Sure. But I think from past experience it's best to see it through. It's good to have some acquaintances, even if superficial. I've found that a small church with an easy going accessible pastor is the best environment for me. I came to realize some time ago that it's best to have people who know you outside of family members. You never know if you're going to need character references or some sort of support.

I can't imagine looking for support at church. Church is a place that requires maximum masking. I've learned that being 'fine', 'ok', or 'good' isn't nearly good enough for church. One is expected to say that things are far better than that. Therefore, during hard times, when even 'fine' and 'ok' are lies, church is a place to avoid. And my job is the place to get references from.

 

[ozso]

I can't imagine looking for support at church. Church is a place that requires maximum masking. I've learned that being 'fine', 'ok', or 'good' isn't nearly good enough for church. One is expected to say that things are far better than that. Therefore, during hard times, when even 'fine' and 'ok' are lies, church is a place to avoid. And my job is the place to get references from.

Well you were asking about how to deal with church. How to avoid it is pretty self explanitory. Church is a social club of sorts. You go there to fellowship ie socialize. Which I've gotten better at. But it never feels natural. Really I suppose it's been a project of polishing my act. But at the same time I like being there. One of those love it and hate it things.

 

[timf]

Sometimes larger churches are run like a machine. They tend to want to process people like components on an assembly line. A smaller bible church may have people that would greet you, but they might greet you are a person more than a product.

If you want to avoid the large church assembly, you may wish to call the church secretary during the week and see if there was anyone willing to meet with you individually.

 

[JEBofChristTheLord]

I can't imagine looking for support at church. Church is a place that requires maximum masking. I've learned that being 'fine', 'ok', or 'good' isn't nearly good enough for church. One is expected to say that things are far better than that. Therefore, during hard times, when even 'fine' and 'ok' are lies, church is a place to avoid. And my job is the place to get references from.

That is a place of lying fakery. Go find the Lord's church, which is not that. I have heard that there are geographical areas with many of those; I wonder if you are in one of those areas. Or if you have simply never studied much. Certainly, if you are reporting of only one, two, or three churches, you have studied almost not at all, and are falsely lumping a huge number of people and places into your term "at church". But you might be in one of those geographical areas.

Of course, do be careful. There are those who put on a great show of caring about visitors, because they are trying to take people away from that which Christ the Lord has said.