Men attend less singles events than women

[ThisIsMe123]

This is interesting, in my area, there's a local singles Facebook singles group that's pretty active with events and such, recently, there had been multiple posts regarding why very few men come out to these events. Their mission is to get people off of social media, dating apps (as they seriously stink these days) and to get out from behind the computer screens. (Yes, there are some Christians)

My thought is that women are simply more sociable people, while men not so much.

Some of the reasons are as follows:

1. I don't do bars (apparently, a lot of events happen at upscale night spots)
2. Their social anxiety goes through the roof
3. Shyness.
4. A lot of the events are on a week night.
5. Cannot make it out due to financial reasons

Yeah, the last 2, kind of cringy when you hear this from a man. But I guess this is legit.

Anyways, people provided counter-arguments to their excuses like they could simply create their own event where an activity THEY would enjoy.
#1 I can kind of get, esp. at my age, and yes, there are a lot of 40+ types at these events.

People were like "You don't have to drink when you go to these events, just go to make new friends and meet new people.

But surprisingly, the men prefer to stay behind their computers.
Also, they saw the seriously high numbers of members that join the group, but pretty much she same group of people show up in person.

I have to say, this could be an interesting psychological experiment into the socially awkward trying to make their way out of their homes and touch grass. It's like pulling teeth to try to get them to leave their homes.

 

[bèlla]

I don't know if we're more sociable. But they've attributed church programming to a similar phenomenon. They said women come out, buy tickets and attend conferences significantly more than men. Since the events are rarely free you can see the correlation. Some have alleged that's why change hasn't happened or is slow because of the loss of revenue.

Using Precepts bible study for example, there was one men's group and multiples meeting during the week for women. But the men's breakfast was well attended. I don't think we had something comparable for women. They met once a week before work and a meal was served.

Appeal may play a part. Meeting strangers isn't easy and everyone's had different experiences on this medium. It might be easier if they're familiar and conversed through video or audio as a group to ease discomfort.

On the other hand, I'm not surprised participation isn't greater. It was really popular a few yeas ago (2015-2018) when MeetUp was the thing and people were connecting on different platforms. But a lot of things happened to sway opinions and you can't control who comes. I've gone to events in the past at a venue I was familiar with. But acknowledging our intention to attend was a mixed bag. People showed up who weren't registered or wanted to meet a specific person and I stopped.

I think the time has passed for meeting people online and I'm good at spotting trends and jumping ship before the downturn. That doesn't mean people aren't looking. But you have to consider how long we've been at it. Many people are burnt out or looking elsewhere.

I popped into a previous spot to catch up with someone and he's been single for 4 years and that was the sense I had overall. The majority have been looking for a while or finding someone took longer than expected. We met a few years ago when he lived here and pickings were plentiful. That was the last hurrah in my opinion. You don't have the same caliber of suitors in volume that you did in that period.

This is also before ghosting became a problem. That was a sign of our fatigue and things have worsened since that time. I had a growing sense connections outside this space would have primacy and changed gears and others followed suit.

~bella

 

[DragonFox91]

I'm surprised. My life it's been the opposite. Men very extra-cirrricular & attending events thinking they'll meet a girl. But church I currently go to much more even split.

What is age range for this, btw? I think as you get older, it does start to skew more women. Men have largely moved on, lose the rush, women still want that family even if just a marriage partner.

 

[public hermit]

This is interesting, in my area, there's a local singles Facebook singles group that's pretty active with events and such, recently, there had been multiple posts regarding why very few men come out to these events. Their mission is to get people off of social media, dating apps (as they seriously stink these days) and to get out from behind the computer screens. (Yes, there are some Christians)

My thought is that women are simply more sociable people, while men not so much.

Some of the reasons are as follows:

1. I don't do bars (apparently, a lot of events happen at upscale night spots)
2. Their social anxiety goes through the roof
3. Shyness.
4. A lot of the events are on a week night.
5. Cannot make it out due to financial reasons

Yeah, the last 2, kind of cringy when you hear this from a man. But I guess this is legit.

Anyways, people provided counter-arguments to their excuses like they could simply create their own event where an activity THEY would enjoy.
#1 I can kind of get, esp. at my age, and yes, there are a lot of 40+ types at these events.

People were like "You don't have to drink when you go to these events, just go to make new friends and meet new people.

But surprisingly, the men prefer to stay behind their computers.
Also, they saw the seriously high numbers of members that join the group, but pretty much she same group of people show up in person.

I have to say, this could be an interesting psychological experiment into the socially awkward trying to make their way out of their homes and touch grass. It's like pulling teeth to try to get them to leave their homes.

"...trying to make their way out of their homes and touch grass." That's a pretty hilarious way to put it. I can say I touched grass today.

I think it's an interesting hypothesis. I can only speak for myself, but there's nothing more uninviting than a get together premised on the assumption that one might find someone. For me, that would rate as intolerable on the awkward meter. But I am sure some people are fine with that, including men.

Is it more women than men that can appreciate that kind of scenario? Maybe, but as @bèlla pointed out, a men's breakfast is always a hit. Lol. That is no joke. So, maybe food is the way to a man's heart, after all?

I can't say it's limited to men, but I am sure when many people think of meeting another person, it's in an "organic" setting where the attraction and meeting happens "naturally." People don't daydream about a manufactured meeting. For instance: I'm checking out at the grocery line, she looks at my food and says, "My, your food choices tell me you're a wonderful person. Can I have your number?" I demur for a moment but eventually relent. See? Perfectly natural. Lol.

 

[bèlla]

I used to go to an event on occasion for people under 30 and another that met at a restaurant once a month to enjoy a meal and socialize. What separated those experiences from today's culture is expectation. We went out for the sake of enjoyment. There were couples and singles present. If you made a connection that's great if you didn't it's okay. We liked each other's company.

Going to an event expecting to meet someone is a lot of pressure and no one thought that way back then. We had city wide festivals and Saturday night hangouts where everyone was cute. But we weren't upset if we didn't get a number. It wasn't the end of the world. That's what changed.

We used to call that having guys/girls on the brain. It's a person who couldn't think beyond the opposite sex and we'd tell them to snap out of it. We met people everywhere for the reasons @public hermit shared. It was all organic.

That might mean the store, beach, party, movies, a popular spot for cars or walking down the street. We didn't set out with the intention this event or setting might yield a certain result. You go with the flow and see what happens.

~bella

 

[timewerx]

I have to say, this could be an interesting psychological experiment into the socially awkward trying to make their way out of their homes and touch grass. It's like pulling teeth to try to get them to leave their homes.

What worked for me is skating with inline skates (not skateboarding).

For me it was purely for physical fitness and therapy but I seem to lose all my inhibitions and shyness when skating. I ended up enjoying it a lot.

When I started to skate in the park, I noticed women are a lot nicer when I come across them on skates. They actually smile at me, even greet me. It's seemed better than having a dog with you! Probably because everyone is walking a dog these days and nobody else skates in the park so they see skating as something totally fresh and new.

Or maybe because having skates on makes you look vulnerable and women are less intimidated by vulnerability or makes you look less creepy. It could also be my much longer hair. Pretty women used to snub me but not lately.

 

[ThisIsMe123]

I used to go to an event on occasion for people under 30 and another that met at a restaurant once a month to enjoy a meal and socialize. What separated those experiences from today's culture is expectation. We went out for the sake of enjoyment. There were couples and singles present. If you made a connection that's great if you didn't it's okay. We liked each other's company.

Going to an event expecting to meet someone is a lot of pressure and no one thought that way back then. We had city wide festivals and Saturday night hangouts where everyone was cute. But we weren't upset if we didn't get a number. It wasn't the end of the world. That's what changed.

We used to call that having guys/girls on the brain. It's a person who couldn't think beyond the opposite sex and we'd tell them to snap out of it. We met people everywhere for the reasons @public hermit shared. It was all organic.

That might mean the store, beach, party, movies, a popular spot for cars or walking down the street. We didn't set out with the intention this event or setting might yield a certain result. You go with the flow and see what happens.

~bella

I had heard quite a few women in the group mention that they aren't this particular group to date, just to "make friends", but are exclusive to doing online dating. And I'm like "Really? You're compartmentalizing dating?"


Also, I had meant to throw "Speed Dating" tends to draw women more so than men, too. There was quite a few youtube vids going around where the lady hosts were like "Men, come on out we need you!"

One of the men threw up a link to a rather mysogonistic YouTubers stated that men stopped going to these events because they get rejected by most of the women there, and go for the small percentage of Henry Cavill look-a-likes.

 

[ThisIsMe123]

I think it's an interesting hypothesis. I can only speak for myself, but there's nothing more uninviting than a get together premised on the assumption that one might find someone.

And I would gather, the name tags don't help. lol

 

[ThisIsMe123]

I don't know if we're more sociable. But they've attributed church programming to a similar phenomenon. They said women come out, buy tickets and attend conferences significantly more than men. Since the events are rarely free you can see the correlation. Some have alleged that's why change hasn't happened or is slow because of the loss of revenue.

Using Precepts bible study for example, there was one men's group and multiples meeting during the week for women. But the men's breakfast was well attended. I don't think we had something comparable for women. They met once a week before work and a meal was served.

Appeal may play a part. Meeting strangers isn't easy and everyone's had different experiences on this medium. It might be easier if they're familiar and conversed through video or audio as a group to ease discomfort.

On the other hand, I'm not surprised participation isn't greater. It was really popular a few yeas ago (2015-2018) when MeetUp was the thing and people were connecting on different platforms. But a lot of things happened to sway opinions and you can't control who comes. I've gone to events in the past at a venue I was familiar with. But acknowledging our intention to attend was a mixed bag. People showed up who weren't registered or wanted to meet a specific person and I stopped.

I think the time has passed for meeting people online and I'm good at spotting trends and jumping ship before the downturn. That doesn't mean people aren't looking. But you have to consider how long we've been at it. Many people are burnt out or looking elsewhere.

I popped into a previous spot to catch up with someone and he's been single for 4 years and that was the sense I had overall. The majority have been looking for a while or finding someone took longer than expected. We met a few years ago when he lived here and pickings were plentiful. That was the last hurrah in my opinion. You don't have the same caliber of suitors in volume that you did in that period.

This is also before ghosting became a problem. That was a sign of our fatigue and things have worsened since that time. I had a growing sense connections outside this space would have primacy and changed gears and others followed suit.

~bella

Well, the hosts of these groups have admitted to trying to get people away from the online dating apps, to these in-person restaurant, happy hour, Latin dance night, etc. They feel THESE events are more organic, even though it's a "singles" social group. It's a much better alternative.

There are a couple of people I know in this group from other real life board game events, one of them told me that she may not fit in as it's mostly Latins in the group. Not sure how to take that as a racist remark or not. But this area, it's a lot of Hispanics, not that there's anything wrong with that.

I remember Meetups when I first started going in the mid-2000s, I was quite happy with those groups, as they were so few, and the same people kept coming routinely. And it was a fair amount of people.

You mentioned how some that showed up were unregistered. I recall on a hiking Meetup talking to a woman and she admitted to this, and I asked her if she plans on registering, and she told me not at all. She was just a tag-a-long, or "+1". In most cases, you hardly see the same people twice, you'd meet someone, and instead of asking for their number on the first meet....you'd hope to see them next week, but you'd be lucky to see them months later, if you even see them again at all.

One woman I talked with admitted to me that she looks at the RSVP list of photos of the men, and if she thought none of them were cute, she'd not even go. RUDE, right?

Some would even sit on the outer fringes of the event, scoping us from afar. An organizer approached him, recognizing him from his photo to corral him over to our designated area, and he was a bit baffled that he was "caught". lol

Now Meetup is just oversaturated with groups, some that go inactive after a period of time, where the message, "This group will go defunct in 30 days if you don't take it over as a new organizer". The Christian singles groups are dead, one guy hosts, and the only RSVP is him. He hosts a lot of dining out events.

Going back to Meeting people at other non-Meetup organized events. I think I saw how singles run groups in NYC are all the rage, and even that has its own drama.

It started off as a small run group, where people actually just went to run, but there has been a surge of singles going just to meet someone, and the main complaint there was that you'd never see the same people twice.

Sometimes I wonder if we'll ever get back to the way our parents and grand parents met, cold turkey in a line a grocery store, making eye contact with someone at the gym, or at a street festival....or...at church. lol

 

[ThisIsMe123]

Men have largely moved on, lose the rush, women still want that family even if just a marriage partner.

I think men have determined that the women in these events don't find them attractive enough.

 

[ThisIsMe123]

Going to an event expecting to meet someone is a lot of pressure and no one thought that way back then. We had city wide festivals and Saturday night hangouts where everyone was cute.

Everyone?

 

[Citanul]

Also, I had meant to throw "Speed Dating" tends to draw women more so than men, too. There was quite a few youtube vids going around where the lady hosts were like "Men, come on out we need you!"

I obviously can't speak for other men, but I don't do speed dating because having to speak to a new person every few minutes just doesn't work for me. It takes me time to warm up and be comfortable with someone, by which time you have to move onto the next person.

If events were structured with fewer people and the opportunities for longer conversations then I might consider it, and my introversion would definitely handle that better than short conversations with lots of people. But the typical speed dating set up isn't for me.

 

[Citanul]

My thought is that women are simply more sociable people, while men not so much.

I think could also be a "safety in numbers" element. Men can be more comfortable doing things by themselves or in a small group than women, so there's possibly a bit of a snowball effect in that women gravitate to events that have a lot of women, creating the gender imbalance.

4. A lot of the events are on a week night.
5. Cannot make it out due to financial reasons

Yeah, the last 2, kind of cringy when you hear this from a man. But I guess this is legit.

While sometimes those will just be people trying to come up with excuses, they can also be valid reasons. You said that a lot of events are at upscale places, so the cost can mount up.

And the weeknight thing can certainly be a factor. Sometimes work schedules aren't all that conducive to staying out late (and some people just aren't night owls), and other times people might just want to relax after a day a work, especially if they're doing things on other weeknights and want some time to themselves.

Anyways, people provided counter-arguments to their excuses like they could simply create their own event where an activity THEY would enjoy.

Not everyone is cut out to be an organiser. If someone's decided that they want to run a singles group but wants to attract more people then I think it's up to them to arrange things rather than tell those people to do it themselves.

People were like "You don't have to drink when you go to these events, just go to make new friends and meet new people.

This may not be the case with the group you're referring, but my experience with local singles groups on Meetup is that it's usually not just drinks, but drinks and dancing. I don't do either, so an event like that is not going to appeal to me.

I have to say, this could be an interesting psychological experiment into the socially awkward trying to make their way out of their homes and touch grass. It's like pulling teeth to try to get them to leave their homes.

Speaking as someone who's socially awkward, what would get me to attend would be to have the event be something that I find interesting. I'll admit that's not all that helpful as I can't say what I'll necessarily find interesting, but going to a bar or restaurant (which seem to be the most common things for these groups to do) wouldn't be it.

But what I can say is make the main focus of the event an activity where the socialising aspect is very much secondary. If it's something like going to a bar where it's basically all about being social then I'm not going to be all that enthusiastic about attending.

 

[Citanul]

In most cases, you hardly see the same people twice, you'd meet someone, and instead of asking for their number on the first meet....you'd hope to see them next week, but you'd be lucky to see them months later, if you even see them again at all.

The only Meetup group that I attend regularly is a hiking group and while I don't go on hikes in order to meet women, it obviously is an opportunity to try to meet people and there have in fact been some couples who met through the group (including the organiser). But the not seeing the same people twice is definitely a thing as my experience with the group has been that the regulars tend to either be too young, too old, or too married for them to be possibilities. I've found it very difficult to build a connection with someone when it can be months before I see them again, if I ever do.

I also don't want to be that guy who hits on newcomers. I'm not against it as I did once try reaching out to someone after meeting them for the first time, but we had spent quite some time discussing being single and it turned out that we worked in the same industry, but it has to feel like there was enough of a connection for me to actually try it. Unfortunately in that case she was receptive to me contacting her, but kept cancelling every time I tried to arrange something with her, so I gave up and I haven't ever seen her again.

 

[ThisIsMe123]

The only Meetup group that I attend regularly is a hiking group and while I don't go on hikes in order to meet women, it obviously is an opportunity to try to meet people and there have in fact been some couples who met through the group (including the organiser). But the not seeing the same people twice is definitely a thing as my experience with the group has been that the regulars tend to either be too young, too old, or too married for them to be possibilities. I've found it very difficult to build a connection with someone when it can be months before I see them again, if I ever do.

I also don't want to be that guy who hits on newcomers. I'm not against it as I did once try reaching out to someone after meeting them for the first time, but we had spent quite some time discussing being single and it turned out that we worked in the same industry, but it has to feel like there was enough of a connection for me to actually try it. Unfortunately in that case she was receptive to me contacting her, but kept cancelling every time I tried to arrange something with her, so I gave up and I haven't ever seen her again.

Yeah, I'm a member of a couple of hiking groups. I recall a rather fit, attractive middle-aged woman that garnered the attention of a man that didn't wear hiking shoes, but...sandals on a hike. I remember starting off the hike, and the guy made Bee-line to her side to chat her up. (To be honest, I've seen her on a dating site during that time, so she was open to meeting men).

Anyways, there were a couple of avid lady hikers, both were married. I recall one woman that had a husband that was a video gamer on the weekends, that didn't join her on the hikes, and another woman that was an avid hiker that had a husband that wasn't into the outdoors whatsoever.

I did find this a little odd, but again, some couples aren't into each other's hobbies...it happens. They are off doing their own thing.

There was one guy that I kind of clicked with (buddy-wise) he was married, but was an early bird while the rest of the family slept in lol. So he'd go on hikes and by the time he got home, they'd be awake. lol

I recall another situation where 4 or 5 Hispanic people showed up....as they were all co-workers, and they spoke to only each other on the hike in mostly Spanish. They just stuck together the entire time.

 

[bèlla]

I had heard quite a few women in the group mention that they aren't this particular group to date, just to "make friends", but are exclusive to doing online dating. And I'm like "Really? You're compartmentalizing dating?"

A gathering of men and women doesn't equal dating. Nor does a group of singles. Convincing yourself an opportunity exists or should is why so many people are disappointed or hesitant to socialize. What happened to going out for the sake of fun? Just enjoy yourself.

Also, I had meant to throw "Speed Dating" tends to draw women more so than men, too. There was quite a few youtube vids going around where the lady hosts were like "Men, come on out we need you!"

The key to speed dating is thinking quick on your feet and personality. Good communication, charisma and wit is the best formula. If that doesn't come natural you'll be frustrated and lament the clock.

One of the men threw up a link to a rather mysogonistic YouTubers stated that men stopped going to these events because they get rejected by most of the women there, and go for the small percentage of Henry Cavill look-a-likes.

Why would anyone expect a gathering of adults to mean anything beyond the obvious? You encounter people in different walks of life all the time. This is what happens when you succumb to girl/boy brain syndrome (aka thirsty). Everything revolves around the subject and it's difficult to enjoy experiences without that element.

Obsessing about the opposite sex has always had a negative stigma. Both in earlier periods and movie depictions and it's difficult to hide. Because it's in your conversation. You're often discussing men, women, dating challenges, etc. They'll listen in the beginning but after a while they'll tune you out. You've become a broken record and balance is required.

We've all met people like that but it reads differently in adulthood. In the back of a woman's mind she's concerned if you can handle rejection, respect boundaries, and what happens if it doesn't work out. That doesn't necessarily mean stalking. But there's a fine line between persistence and knowing when to stop.

The Henry Cavill statement is more involved and I'll address it separately.

~bella

 

[bèlla]

Everyone?

We made ourselves look nice. Anything could happen and we were prepared.

~bella

 

[bèlla]

One of the men threw up a link to a rather mysogonistic YouTubers stated that men stopped going to these events because they get rejected by most of the women there, and go for the small percentage of Henry Cavill look-a-likes.

The average man doesn't look like him and the comparison is ridiculous. Nor are men like that a new phenomenon. They've always existed in films and ads.

What you're witnessing in that remark is the consequences of supply and demand. The longer you remain in a state the fewer opportunities you have as time passes. Because it changes you. In the beginning you're energetic, excited and hopeful. You enjoy the experience and look forward to meeting people and having conversations. You're less disappointed when things don't work out. It's not the end of the world.

That's the mindset the majority have when connections are formed. They're not despondent or grasping and haven't adopted a negative opinion about the opposite sex. They believe they'll meet someone.

When you engage in this space you've accelerated the process and send out a lot of messages. Yet in the natural, you would never meet that many women to ask in a year let alone a week. You don't have the benefit of time and pacing to process your experiences before you're at it again. You go from one to the next and that isn't normal.

The volume warps your mind. Giving the impression you'll have more opportunities or things should be easier because a lot of people are on here. But they're doing the same. You're more likely to meet a catch walking down the street than on this medium because several people saw her and vying for her attention.

The longer it takes the more cynical or selective you'll become. That's where Cavill comes in. They're not looking for him but their ego may not allow them to accept someone outside their standard if he veers too far. She's telling herself, I didn't spend years waiting for him and men do the same. So they'll hold out for the unlikely or maybe instead of giving the other person a chance.

~bella

 

[bèlla]

There are a couple of people I know in this group from other real life board game events, one of them told me that she may not fit in as it's mostly Latins in the group. Not sure how to take that as a racist remark or not. But this area, it's a lot of Hispanics, not that there's anything wrong with that.

It probably isn't racist. Most people date within their own ethnicity and there are cultural considerations you can't ignore.

You mentioned how some that showed up were unregistered. I recall on a hiking Meetup talking to a woman and she admitted to this, and I asked her if she plans on registering, and she told me not at all. She was just a tag-a-long, or "+1". In most cases, you hardly see the same people twice, you'd meet someone, and instead of asking for their number on the first meet....you'd hope to see them next week, but you'd be lucky to see them months later, if you even see them again at all.

I wasn't on MeetUp. I was part of a community that included groups of people who ran in the same circles for years. We began on mailing lists and chat rooms and moved to forums. Our common denominator was relational and we mated amongst ourselves. It's easier to find what you're looking for when you're pulling from a pool that embodies your ideals.

One woman I talked with admitted to me that she looks at the RSVP list of photos of the men, and if she thought none of them were cute, she'd not even go. RUDE, right?

If she's not attracted to the attendees and that's her reason for going and she isn't willing to compromise why bother? She's going to say no. Do you think she's alone in that? People do it all the time.

Sometimes I wonder if we'll ever get back to the way our parents and grand parents met, cold turkey in a line a grocery store, making eye contact with someone at the gym, or at a street festival....or...at church. lol

Connections are a reflection of mindset not atmosphere. You can meet someone anywhere if they're drawn to you. That's all it is. Something about you that captures their attention and makes them want to know more.

I talk to men all the time. I don't wonder if he's attracted or single. I do it because I can and the audacity is genuine. He's a man and we're conversing. Nothing more or less and I'm not overthinking it. When you're nervous, scared or insecure you project it. The more confidence you have the more you relax.

You don't learn that hiding behind the screen because its safe. Meeting in person allows you to work out kinks you can camouflage in writing. You can create a persona in text and mask your shyness, awkwardness, amplify the cool factor, etc. That's why talking on the phone or skype is preferable. The response time is similar to what you'd experience face to face.

~bella

 

[timewerx]

Going back to Meeting people at other non-Meetup organized events. I think I saw how singles run groups in NYC are all the rage, and even that has its own drama.

It started off as a small run group, where people actually just went to run, but there has been a surge of singles going just to meet someone, and the main complaint there was that you'd never see the same people twice.

Sometimes I wonder if we'll ever get back to the way our parents and grand parents met, cold turkey in a line a grocery store, making eye contact with someone at the gym, or at a street festival....or...at church. lol

I don't do single meetups. But every weekend, I'm at the park skating. There's probably LOTs of fitness enthusiasts who are single in the park. There's even random weekend events in the town square all day next to the park. People just hang out there to walk, chill, ride their bike, scooter, skateboard, skate.

But I go there purely for fun and exercise. I don't even bring any money nor card because I'm not expecting nor looking to get a date. Just have fun, no pressure.

Running used to fun to me as well before I discovered skating. If I had come to single run meetup. My objective is just to have fun running. If I get a date, it would simply be a bonus (but they have to pay because I don't bring any money!)