I constantly regret not saving myself for the marriage

[heyitskatie]

So I'm 22 now and currently in a relationship with my boyfriend who is 31, I deeply love him and wish for us to marry one day.

Everything was okay at first but as the time went on I started realizing he is something special and with that came the regret of him not being my first.

He is my fourth partner, the number didn't bother him that much considering he wasn't a virgin either and had multiple partners before me.

I had my first partner when I was 20 I think, but he left me rather quickly, I was so disappointed but moved on eventually.

After that I had another partner and what bothers me about that relationship is that we moved too fast and slept on our first date, a mistake I will always regret. We broke up after three months cause he would constantly drink to the point of blacking out and would unfortunately abuse his own mother.

Finally I slept with one more person with whom I wasn't in a committed relationship.

I'm afraid my boyfriend will judge me (most likely will) for my rash decisions and think I'm someone who is not worth marrying and that in the end he will leave me as well.

I wish all the time he was my first and one and only, I'm constantly asking myself why couldn't I meet him earlier.

I don't feel worthy of love anymore and even started having suicidal thoughts for which I know is even greater sin, but it's like i can't control my mind at all, this thoughts just keep on coming back.

 

[DragonFox91]

So I'm 22 now and currently in a relationship with my boyfriend who is 31, I deeply love him and wish for us to marry one day.

Everything was okay at first but as the time went on I started realizing he is something special and with that came the regret of him not being my first.

He is my fourth partner, the number didn't bother him that much considering he wasn't a virgin either and had multiple partners before me.

I had my first partner when I was 20 I think, but he left me rather quickly, I was so disappointed but moved on eventually.

After that I had another partner and what bothers me about that relationship is that we moved too fast and slept on our first date, a mistake I will always regret. We broke up after three months cause he would constantly drink to the point of blacking out and would unfortunately abuse his own mother.

Finally I slept with one more person with whom I wasn't in a committed relationship.

I'm afraid my boyfriend will judge me (most likely will) for my rash decisions and think I'm someone who is not worth marrying and that in the end he will leave me as well.

I wish all the time he was my first and one and only, I'm constantly asking myself why couldn't I meet him earlier.

I don't feel worthy of love anymore and even started having suicidal thoughts for which I know is even greater sin, but it's like i can't control my mind at all, this thoughts just keep on coming back.

Nope, that’s a lie. The fact you are so wanting marriage & are realizing you made mistakes, tells me you are growing & want to do it the right way & can do it the right way & are therefore very worthy & deserving of love. You have regrets? Now's your chance to do it the right way. It is a fresh start God has given you. Do it the right way with your boyfriend – wait till marriage like you wish you had - & it will be living exactly like you wish you had. It’s your choice to do it the right way & get that life you wanted back. You can’t worry about the past. Now you have a new beginning.

Decide if you really want to do that. Express your thoughts with him. Tell him what you said in your post & what you decided, if it's really the kind of life you want back. It’ll get him to tell. If he’s not on board with you in doing it the right way now, you'll have to choose between if you want to continue in your old dead way or want the fresh start. Let us know

EDIT: One other thing, I think it would be very hypocritical of him to be judging of you when it sounds like he made similar decisions.

 

[Blade]

So I'm 22 now and currently in a relationship with my boyfriend who is 31, I deeply love him and wish for us to marry one day.

Everything was okay at first but as the time went on I started realizing he is something special and with that came the regret of him not being my first.

He is my fourth partner, the number didn't bother him that much considering he wasn't a virgin either and had multiple partners before me.

I had my first partner when I was 20 I think, but he left me rather quickly, I was so disappointed but moved on eventually.

After that I had another partner and what bothers me about that relationship is that we moved too fast and slept on our first date, a mistake I will always regret. We broke up after three months cause he would constantly drink to the point of blacking out and would unfortunately abuse his own mother.

Finally I slept with one more person with whom I wasn't in a committed relationship.

I'm afraid my boyfriend will judge me (most likely will) for my rash decisions and think I'm someone who is not worth marrying and that in the end he will leave me as well.

I wish all the time he was my first and one and only, I'm constantly asking myself why couldn't I meet him earlier.

I don't feel worthy of love anymore and even started having suicidal thoughts for which I know is even greater sin, but it's like i can't control my mind at all, this thoughts just keep on coming back.

Hi there's this song.. older and was addressing just this "if you've done it and wonder what to do... go to Jesus He will make you brand new". Its not a nice thought.. its a fact. There is nothing He can not do, heal restore it dose come down to trusting, believing. If you asked Him I know you can but do you want to.. look what I did.. He would smile and say YES!

 

[heyitskatie]

You can't undo what's been done. I was always very grateful that my first wife (who later died) and I were both virgins when we married. My second wife, a Belarusian, had been married twice before. I always thought something like this would bother me, but in fact it doesn't bother me at all. I would have a completely honest discussion with your boyfriend about what is troubling you and the extent to which it's troubling you. Since his past is similar, I can't imagine that he will judge you as harshly as you are already judging yourself. If he does, then he simply isn't as special as you now think he is. It's better to find this out now before you make a marriage commitment. If he is a believer as you apparently are, make a mutual commitment that from this point forward you will honor God and your marriage vows throughout your marriage - make the marriage a new start for both of you. Your past is scarcely anything shocking by the standards of today, certainly nothing that would make you unworthy of love or that would deeply trouble someone who really loves you.

We still haven't talked about the details of my previous relationships, nor did I ask him about his cause I believe past isn't that important if you truly love someone, but I know he is very judgmental of girls who had such experiences even though he had similar past and rather high number of partners. He thinks no one normal will love them let alone marry them and that made me feel even more insecure and worthless.. I was thinking that the best course of action would be just to break up cause I find myself crying every single night and feeling bad about myself, I guess it's just hard to let go of someone you love even though that person is ruining you both on emotional and spiritual level..

 

[heyitskatie]

Nope, that’s a lie. The fact you are so wanting marriage & are realizing you made mistakes, tells me you are growing & want to do it the right way & can do it the right way & are therefore very worthy & deserving of love. You have regrets? Now's your chance to do it the right way. It is a fresh start God has given you. Do it the right way with your boyfriend – wait till marriage like you wish you had - & it will be living exactly like you wish you had. It’s your choice to do it the right way & get that life you wanted back. You can’t worry about the past. Now you have a new beginning.

Decide if you really want to do that. Express your thoughts with him. Tell him what you said in your post & what you decided, if it's really the kind of life you want back. It’ll get him to tell. If he’s not on board with you in doing it the right way now, you'll have to choose between if you want to continue in your old dead way or want the fresh start. Let us know

EDIT: One other thing, I think it would be very hypocritical of him to be judging of you when it sounds like he made similar decisions.

Well we still haven't talked about the details of my past, nor did I ask him to explain his, but he does judge girls who had similar experiences as me even though he had those as well, saying they are undeserving of love and that no one in their right mind will marry them. It made me feel even more worthless to the point of crying myself to sleep every night. For him men and women are simply not the same, men can have such experiences but women cannot. I'm slowly realizing that it would be for the best to put an end to this relationship but it's just hard to let go of someone I love so deeply.

 

[I's2C]

So I'm 22 now and currently in a relationship with my boyfriend who is 31, I deeply love him and wish for us to marry one day.

Everything was okay at first but as the time went on I started realizing he is something special and with that came the regret of him not being my first.

He is my fourth partner, the number didn't bother him that much considering he wasn't a virgin either and had multiple partners before me.

I had my first partner when I was 20 I think, but he left me rather quickly, I was so disappointed but moved on eventually.

After that I had another partner and what bothers me about that relationship is that we moved too fast and slept on our first date, a mistake I will always regret. We broke up after three months cause he would constantly drink to the point of blacking out and would unfortunately abuse his own mother.

Finally I slept with one more person with whom I wasn't in a committed relationship.

I'm afraid my boyfriend will judge me (most likely will) for my rash decisions and think I'm someone who is not worth marrying and that in the end he will leave me as well.

I wish all the time he was my first and one and only, I'm constantly asking myself why couldn't I meet him earlier.

I don't feel worthy of love anymore and even started having suicidal thoughts for which I know is even greater sin, but it's like i can't control my mind at all, this thoughts just keep on coming back.

You can go down the rabbit hole of wishing you hadn't done something but you did. Dont let this eat at you move on and be the best person now that you can ever be. Do both of you a favor if you want a life in the future and just be the best you can be together. You do that by becoming Christians and repent. You know GOD says when you repent with all your heart HE forgives you? the slate is wiped clean as if it never happened. If a GOD of infinite wisdom and power who placed the stars in the heavens and knows them by name forgives you; and HE even says HE never wants to hear about it again after repentance. If both of you become Christians and know that GOD says this but 1st things 1st. Worst thing with Christians is they forgive others and knows GOD forgives them but they never forgive themselves. 1st seek GOD and the rest will follow. You have to forgive yourself and move on you cant change the past but you can forget if you try, GOD has.

 

[DragonFox91]

Well we still haven't talked about the details of my past, nor did I ask him to explain his, but he does judge girls who had similar experiences as me even though he had those as well, saying they are undeserving of love and that no one in their right mind will marry them. It made me feel even more worthless to the point of crying myself to sleep every night. For him men and women are simply not the same, men can have such experiences but women cannot. I'm slowly realizing that it would be for the best to put an end to this relationship but it's just hard to let go of someone I love so deeply.

Ugh, that breaks my heart. That's so hurtful to hear. So many men think like that. & then it creates a 'well, why can't we be like that too' desire in women. It doesn't make sense at all why some men think that. Here is what does make sense: neither should be promiscuous, it only causes hurt for one or the other or both -> but if someone was & wants to change, that's so beautiful.

No wonder why you are so upset. So he's basically telling you you're unlovable & undeserving? My goodness, that's bad. You have to have that conversation w/ him sooner or later. There's no point in ignoring it or delaying it when it seems so important for you - and him too in the opposite way. Have the tough conversation sooner than later. I hear people say you need to not have the tough conversations till later -> no, it's just pushing something aside that will rear it's head later & it may come when you're not expecting it & therefore won't ready, or it'll hurt more then. I don't know if you should leave him or not, but that conversation needs to happen before it's too late.

 

[Ignatius the Kiwi]

Men are entitled to reject you romantically for your past OP. Accept it and move on.

 

[Lybrah]

So I'm 22 now and currently in a relationship with my boyfriend who is 31, I deeply love him and wish for us to marry one day.

Everything was okay at first but as the time went on I started realizing he is something special and with that came the regret of him not being my first.

He is my fourth partner, the number didn't bother him that much considering he wasn't a virgin either and had multiple partners before me.

I had my first partner when I was 20 I think, but he left me rather quickly, I was so disappointed but moved on eventually.

After that I had another partner and what bothers me about that relationship is that we moved too fast and slept on our first date, a mistake I will always regret. We broke up after three months cause he would constantly drink to the point of blacking out and would unfortunately abuse his own mother.

Finally I slept with one more person with whom I wasn't in a committed relationship.

I'm afraid my boyfriend will judge me (most likely will) for my rash decisions and think I'm someone who is not worth marrying and that in the end he will leave me as well.

I wish all the time he was my first and one and only, I'm constantly asking myself why couldn't I meet him earlier.

I don't feel worthy of love anymore and even started having suicidal thoughts for which I know is even greater sin, but it's like i can't control my mind at all, this thoughts just keep on coming back.

You repented your God and he forgave you. If your boyfriend loves you, he will marry you anyway. He’d be your last love.

 

[Saucy]

Hey there, I'm so sorry that you are struggling with your past. The enemy is called "the accuser" for a reason. If you have repented of your sins and refuse to go back to living that way, then you are good with God! That is what matters the most. I think the part where you are getting suicidal is you are afraid of the consequences of telling your partner about your past. Here's the thing: I know you love him, but if he can't get past your former mistakes, even though he has made the same mistakes, then he is a hypocrite and not worth marrying.

 

[Progressing Pilgrim]

Men are entitled to reject you romantically for your past OP. Accept it and move on.

That's debatable, depending on what you mean here. If we are to be like Christ then we should forgive and avoid looking down on others for their past sins. I don't know if any Christian is really entitled to reject anyone else for their past unless they are unrepentant. But we aren't perfect, and it might be harder for some than for others. Personally, if I met someone I really cared about, I can't think of anything in her past that would make me not care about her any more.

To the OP: I feel for you. I struggled with porn and masturbation for many years before giving my life to Christ, and even though I just posted the paragraph above I struggle with feeling like I'm unloveable too. It must hurt to feel like he confirmed your worst fears. But it sounds like this guy is lacking some in spiritual maturity. If he's looking for perfection in a spouse while not requiring it of himself, he is not ready for a serious relationship with anyone.

 

[Ignatius the Kiwi]

That's debatable, depending on what you mean here. If we are to be like Christ then we should forgive and avoid looking down on others for their past sins. I don't know if any Christian is really entitled to reject anyone else for their past unless they are unrepentant. But we aren't perfect, and it might be harder for some than for others. Personally, if I met someone I really cared about, I can't think of anything in her past that would make me not care about her any more.

To the OP: I feel for you. I struggled with inappropriate content and masturbation for many years before giving my life to Christ, and even though I just posted the paragraph above I struggle with feeling like I'm unloveable too. It must hurt to feel like he confirmed your worst fears. But it sounds like this guy is lacking some in spiritual maturity. If he's looking for perfection in a spouse while not requiring it of himself, he is not ready for a serious relationship with anyone.

We're commanded to accept each other as brothers or sisters but not wives or husbands. We are at liberty to reject men or women because they had sex before marriage.

 

[linux.poet]

Marrying this guy if he disapproves of your past is a bad idea. This creates a "one-down" dynamic where he will constantly be making you feel inferior. From what you've been telling me about your past, it looks like you are in cycle of being attracted to abusive guys and then ditching them when you find out how awful they truly are. While props for ditching them, I would suggest reading the book Safe People by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. That book will help you pick better men to be with.

Also consider seeing a therapist, especially if all of your men are like your first partner or you have had issues with your father. Suicidality also warrants reaching out for psychiatric or psychological help.