It's a long story and I'm not sure I'm going to be able to write out the entire thing here, but I am a cradle Catholic. Was born to Catholic parents and was baptized, made my first holy communion at the age of 6 (a year early because supposedly I'm "gifted") and was confirmed at the age of 13 or 14 (I cannot remember) I chose St. Sebastian as my patron saint because I liked his story. Confirmation wasn't really something that I wanted to do, but I felt pressure from my father's side of the family to do it because his side of the family liked to pressure me to do things (and are a big reason why I eventually shut down in school and began living a pretty crappy life).
After confirmation, I started checking out different churches. I attended an ELCA Lutheran church for a few years because I was friends with the Pastor's son and I was pretty involved in the little that this tiny church did in our town, including going on a trip with the youth group to Chicago to help fix up the now-demolished Cabrini green housing projects alongside an AME pastor. We also got to take a trip to the Lutheran School of Theology, Chicago during this trip. I was also mugged on this trip by a guy who looked like Wesley Snipes. He got $12, I hope it was worth it and I haven't been back to Chicago since.
As I got further along in High School, I started attending different Evangelical Churches off an on. One in Venice, Florida and a Southern Baptist Church here in North Port. This was mostly because I liked the girls who went there, but I was seriously away from the Catholic church at the time and had bought into a lot of the "born again" stuff, so I would go to Youth Conferences like Acquire the Fire and generally participate in the Youth Groups because my mom figured it was better than me being out on the street or shut up in my room playing video games.
Once I hit my senior year of High School in a drop-out diversionary program (I had long since given up on school and resented having to attend high school at this point) I had gotten a car, and as a result finally started making friends and girlfriends. I discovered marijuana and booze, and stopped going to any churches entirely. Got really into punk rock and decided to spend my free time going to concerts instead of churches, but I always held a soft spot for the Catholic church in my heart even though I was very far away from the church at this time. I did a lot of fornicating with different girls and did a lot of drugs and drinking. I was really living a fast lane lifestyle, going to sometimes three concerts a week and numerous punk rock parties where, when I would sleep, I would sleep in my car in St. Petersburg or Tampa, Florida so I didn't have to go back home in between concert dates.
I got older and the scene began to die out, so I briefly started attending mass again at St. Maximilian Kolbe church in Port Charlotte, FL. Problem was that I was still using drugs heavily at this time, so I would frequently get high in the church parking lot and then go to mass. My excuse was that I felt more "connected with god" when I was under the influence of drugs; and of course I was still going to local parties and fornicating with a lot of young women. The other problem was that a lot of strangers were telling me "You're going to become a priest" and this scared me, because I didn't want to be a priest. That would cut into the plans I had for myself, but in December 2014 I decided to go on a weeklong retreat to Harlem, Manhattan with the Franciscan Friars of the Renewal on a "come and see event". It was a very positive experience for me and I briefly thought about taking the vow, but I was already on psychiatric medication at that time and was in love with a girl back in Florida, so I chose not to. This was up until last April, the biggest mistake I have made in my life because I would have really have evolved into someone that my family could have taken pride in.
But I got back to Florida, stayed in the relationship with this girl and began using methamphetamine. First on weekends, then during the week, and eventually every day for about two years. I was miserable and was convinced that this was Satan's way of getting back at me for daring to think that I was "good enough" to take on holy orders, so I stopped going to church entirely and threw myself into just feeling sorry for myself and not doing anything with my life. Then my grandfather died and that was a very powerful blow to me because my father left when I was 8 and we have never really been on very good terms because I'm a "disappointment" to him... not that I really care, as he is a disappointment to me and then later lied to an annulment tribunal so that he could marry his third wife in a Catholic ceremony. We do not talk at all as a result of this.
Eventually I got a job and stopped doing drugs, I credit the job as being the motivating factor to make that happen. That job lasted about a year until the company went belly up as a result of it being bought out by an ex-con who used it as a slush fund to buy himself motorcycle fairings and electronics. So I bounced around from job to job for a few years, never holding one for longer than maybe three months until I began looking for something else. I eventually started dating and moved in with an Afro-Latina woman and her nine year old son. I thought that we were going to get married and have a family, but the relationship was growing increasingly rocky and eventually in April of 2020, I was arrested for "sending written threats to kill" because I had posted to YouTube what I thought should happen to Big Tech CEOs that censor conservative's speech. I had gone off my meds at the time because the girl had told me that she "didn't believe in psychiatric medication" and my use of psych meds was always a major component in our fighting. The girl dropped me like a hot rock but what hurt the most was losing the relationship I had with her son. We were attending church at a particularly contemporary, evangelical-style United Methodist Church for the sole reason that they had her singing on Sundays. I didn't mind going there, but something about it didn't make me comfortable the way the Catholic church did. I did about three weeks in jail before I was bailed out by my family and then later entered a No Contest plea deal and got 2-4 years of felony probation, have to attend mental health court (like drug court but for mentally ill people... I skipped over the whole being institutionalized in 2011 part of this story for brevity's sake), and have private and court-ordered counseling that I have to attend which has helped me a lot, got a social worker who helps a great deal.
The entire time I was in jail, I was reading the bible. I was essentially in solitary confinement for 14 days because they had to make sure anyone who was arrested did not have COVID19, so I had nothing else to do besides read a NIV bible (without the books of the Catholic bible because it's the South) and pray. I figured I was going to prison because my bond was set so high that we had to have a bond reduction hearing before I could even think about getting out. So I was being held without medicine as they would not let me see a doctor. So I would read the bible, pray the rosary on my knuckles to the best of my ability, and generally just sleep. I lost a lot of weight and eventually was moved to a mental health wing with a homeless guy who was also big into the Bible and we would have talks all day long about certain passages we read, what we thought that they meant, and the state of the world. When I got out, I sent him a care package of food like I said I would do.
When I got out, the first thing I wanted to do was go to mass, but the churches were closed due to COVID19 so the lack of being able to go to church led me to eventually stop reading the bible and praying. Even though I was out of jail and it was a blessing, I still couldn't remember God and put him first, so I spent the year mostly sitting at home listening to records, reading books, and generally doing nothing all day because I have no job other than occasionally working installing windows in new construction with my best friend.
This past Saturday, I decided that since the churches were open again, that I would go to confession and then mass. Seemingly out of nowhere. I sat in the chapel for an hour and 45 minutes as people decided to go into the booth and apparently use it as their own personal counseling sessions with the priest, one I had never met at the same church I made my confirmation at. When it was my turn, I went in and laid it all out for this strange priest. I don't sit in front of the priest, I always go behind the screen because that's how I always did it except when I went to St. Max, where the priest makes you sit opposite of him, face to face (I did not like this). He couldn't see me, not like he would have known me, but he said words that stuck with me "It's good that you are here today. It is not too late to turn your life around and begin to live a life that glorifies God". I was taken aback by that, because I have no job, no wife, no kids, do not own a home (I live with my aging mother) and generally have a difficult time taking care of myself due to having schizoaffective disorder. It was as if the Holy Spirit put the words in his mouth, and it gave me hope that maybe although the rest of my life is going to be difficult and I'm never going to "be somebody" the way my dad and his side of the family pressured me to be, I can be someone in God's eyes and be the best version of myself that's possible.
So I went got out of confession, did my penance, and went to mass. I sat in the same area we used to sit in when I was a kid, and I realized that it was good that I was there. So I am in a season of repentance for the "fast lane lifestyle" and the trouble I've caused my family now. I have not started going to mass every day, but I say the rosary nightly, read some of the bible every day (I finished the OT and am now getting toward the end of Matthew) and try to remember to pray throughout the day.
I'm just wondering where, if anywhere, all of this is going to take me and how my life is going to change as a result. Because I can see now that I never should have left the church and that there were times when I was being called to Holy Orders and should have been obedient to God and gone instead of doing my best to squander my life.
That's where I am at now. Sorry for writing a novel.
