I am not a widow so feel free to move if wrong place.

[dogs4thewin]

My mom has been a widow for nearly five years after a 30 year marriage. Right now she is talking about getting a man ( but I cannot tell how serious she is being. What should I do ( I am disabled so still live with her I have not said ( partly because I cannot tell if she is being serious or not, but just how I feel about a possible step-father ( if it does happen I do not know. I do not know how I feel about a new "dad" who you know he knows and I know will just never be dad. What should I do if it does turn out she wishes to remarry? How do I warm up to someone new ( again may not be an issue).

 

[faroukfarouk]

My mom has been a widow for nearly five years after a 30 year marriage. Right now she is talking about getting a man ( but I cannot tell how serious she is being. What should I do ( I am disabled so still live with her I have not said ( partly because I cannot tell if she is being serious or not, but just how I feel about a possible step-father ( if it does happen I do not know. I do not know how I feel about a new "dad" who you know he knows and I know will just never be dad. What should I do if it does turn out she wishes to remarry? How do I warm up to someone new ( again may not be an issue).

Hi; if she's a believer in the Lord Jesus, and a future husband is also, then this would greatly affect the whole situation, presumably...

 

[dogs4thewin]

Hi; if she's a believer in the Lord Jesus, and a future husband is also, then this would greatly affect the whole situation, presumably...

With all due respect, I am not sure what this means as it relates to this particular post.

 

[faroukfarouk]

With all due respect, I am not sure what this means as it relates to this particular post.

Put differently, if they know the Lord, it may alter the whole way of looking at things, rather than regarding the matter of the remarriage of a widow purely in the abstract. Many Christians would say this...

 

[blackribbon]

I assume you are an adult. This man would not be your "stepfather" but rather your mother's husband. If she does happen to find love again, I hope you are happy for her and do your best to find a way to get along with him. You don't have to like him or love him, just have a respectful relationship with him. Anything else is just a plus.

As for how it will affect your living situation, that is something that you should sit down and have a discussion with your mother about...maybe, a "Hey Mom, I support you dating again because you are a wonderful woman. But am wonder how this might affect my living situation since I do still have some dependence on you. And how do you want me to respect your boundaries? " Realize that she may have no idea of how it will affect anything and she will likely be inventing it as she goes. Be supportive and be a good ear to listen to her. Dating again after losing a spouse can both be wonderful, terrifying, and emotionally painful.

 

[dogs4thewin]

I assume you are an adult. This man would not be your "stepfather" but rather your mother's husband. If she does happen to find love again, I hope you are happy for her and do your best to find a way to get along with him. You don't have to like him or love him, just have a respectful relationship with him. Anything else is just a plus.

As for how it will affect your living situation, that is something that you should sit down and have a discussion with your mother about...maybe, a "Hey Mom, I support you dating again because you are a wonderful woman. But am wonder how this might affect my living situation since I do still have some dependence on you. And how do you want me to respect your boundaries? " Realize that she may have no idea of how it will affect anything and she will likely be inventing it as she goes. Be supportive and be a good ear to listen to her. Dating again after losing a spouse can both be wonderful, terrifying, and emotionally painful.

Yes, I am an adult ( 28). Why would he not be my step-father? I thought that is what step was your parent's spouse that is not you "real" parent ( usually in the context of a remarriage).

 

[blackribbon]

Yes, I am an adult ( 28). Why would he not be my step-father? I thought that is what step was your parent's spouse that is not you "real" parent ( usually in the context of a remarriage).

The reason is that he wouldn't be parenting you. You are a grown adult. A "step" parent is one who is stepping into the role of a parent.

As a widow of adult children, if I were to remarry, I wouldn't be concerned with his parenting skills. He would just have to treat me well and get along with my kids.

 

[DaveHTexas]

My mom has been a widow for nearly five years after a 30 year marriage. Right now she is talking about getting a man ( but I cannot tell how serious she is being. What should I do ( I am disabled so still live with her I have not said ( partly because I cannot tell if she is being serious or not, but just how I feel about a possible step-father ( if it does happen I do not know. I do not know how I feel about a new "dad" who you know he knows and I know will just never be dad. What should I do if it does turn out she wishes to remarry? How do I warm up to someone new ( again may not be an issue).

Being a widow, or a widower is a very specific thing. It means you were married, and you saw your marriage vows through to their ultimate conclusion.

I am sorry to say that when you lose your other half, and if your parents marriage was a Godly marriage, they the two were one made so by God. So when you lose your other half, you can be in a crowd of people that know and love you and still feel a soul crushing kind of loneliness I cannot describe. It is nothing like other sorts of lonely we all go through. The poet that said it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all, forgets about the pain the tearing away of that relationship causes...

Without a doubt you have not had to share your moms love and attention with anyone in the life partner role your Dad had before. And I have to believe that is a difficult thing. But let me ask you. Do you want your mom to be happy?

You say you are disabled and still live with her, and that certainly is a complicating factor. I suspect that might be a concern for you. Are you able to live on your own and simply choose to live with your mom, or does your disability require you to have a live in caretaker?

I can see that as being a friction point if not addressed up front.

On the issue about being a Step Father. My Dad was married to his last wife for over 20 years before I was comfortable referring to her as my Step Mom. Partially because they married after I was on my own, she never had a parenting role. And no she does not replace my Mom in any way, but she does add significantly to the blessing of my extended family. There is a difference between your parents spouse, and your step parent. Maybe not legally, but to me anyway, it was a comfort level thing...

Talk with your mom, honestly, openly and respectfully, and I highlight that last part in big bold letters, and express your concerns. And if you are struggling with jealousy, which is possible in this situation, please check your own heart. If you love your mom, you will want her to first things first, and that is follow Gods commands, and second and only after the first to be happy.

 

[dogs4thewin]

Being a widow, or a widower is a very specific thing. It means you were married, and you saw your marriage vows through to their ultimate conclusion.

I am sorry to say that when you lose your other half, and if your parents marriage was a Godly marriage, they the two were one made so by God. So when you lose your other half, you can be in a crowd of people that know and love you and still feel a soul crushing kind of loneliness I cannot describe. It is nothing like other sorts of lonely we all go through. The poet that said it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all, forgets about the pain the tearing away of that relationship causes...

Without a doubt you have not had to share your moms love and attention with anyone in the life partner role your Dad had before. And I have to believe that is a difficult thing. But let me ask you. Do you want your mom to be happy?

You say you are disabled and still live with her, and that certainly is a complicating factor. I suspect that might be a concern for you. Are you able to live on your own and simply choose to live with your mom, or does your disability require you to have a live in caretaker?

I can see that as being a friction point if not addressed up front.

On the issue about being a Step Father. My Dad was married to his last wife for over 20 years before I was comfortable referring to her as my Step Mom. Partially because they married after I was on my own, she never had a parenting role. And no she does not replace my Mom in any way, but she does add significantly to the blessing of my extended family. There is a difference between your parents spouse, and your step parent. Maybe not legally, but to me anyway, it was a comfort level thing...

Talk with your mom, honestly, openly and respectfully, and I highlight that last part in big bold letters, and express your concerns. And if you are struggling with jealousy, which is possible in this situation, please check your own heart. If you love your mom, you will want her to first things first, and that is follow Gods commands, and second and only after the first to be happy.

Considering that I can neither bathe, nor cook and most of the time can not dress without assistance (this depends on how willing my left leg is to bend to get my pants on) I will always have to either live with someone or at the very least have someone come two or three times a day to help with basic tasks. I can stay home for several hours aloe, but living alone there is no way. I also fall a good bit ( In fact it is Feb. 3rd as I am typing this and I am shocked I have yet to fall this year ( though I have come close several times. Now, she says that dating is proving to be hard as so far she has found most people her age on the apps ( in her late 50s) are scams.