Honour thy father and thy mother

[David_AB]

I am struggling with this commandment.

Exodus 20:12 Honour thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee.

My parents have always treated me like a child, in particular the disrespect they show to me. They treat me and talk to me like I'm an idiot with no common sense despite that not being the case. I have a successful career etc.
They are rude and quite insulting. I wont go into the names I have been called by my father.
I am a married man in my 50's.
They have never respected my wishes with respect to my children.
Going behind my back to give them sweets before meals when I specifically asked them not to.
Telling the kids we don't invite them to our house when in fact they have turned down invites.

We live over 200 miles away.
My mother complains she doesn't see enough of the kids. So we do the 450 mile round trip 3-4 times a year.
We recently stayed, whilst there we tidied up after ourselves, did things for them like set up their new landline phone and purchased and set up a smart phone so the kids could share photos with them.
We drove the 5 hour journey back home today and received a call not long after getting home, my mother complained that she had spent 8 hours washing and ironing after we had left.
My father said I should buy her flowers.

They asked us to stay, we helped out, washed up after ourselves. Made sure they didn't have to cook us meals and ate out with our friends.

Part of me says if I just accept this then I will have no self respect but the other part of me reminds me of this commandment.
I don't know how to respond but I do not think I can stay there anymore as it'll just be thrown back in my face like so many things have.

What would Jesus say I should do?

 

[Chinchilla]

What would Jesus say I should do?

Matthew 18:21-22 King James Version (KJV)
21 Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times?

22 Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven.

 

[icxn]

You then that are strong ought to bear the infirmities of the weak, and not to please yourselves. (cf. Rom. 15:1)

 

[AnnaDeborah]

Honouring your father and your mother doesn't mean behaving like a doormat or allowing them to harm your children.

Care for them, ensure their needs are provided for, pray for them and love them. But you also have your own family for which you are responsible now. The Bible says that a man is to leave his father and mother and cleave unto his wife. You need to make sure that your care for your parents does not adversely impact your marriage and children.

If they are rude or dismissive to you, just remind yourself that their opinion doesn't matter, it is what Christ thinks of you that is important!

 

[Sam81]

I am not so sure I'm qualified to be giving advice to someone twenty years my elder. So take this with a grain of salt and know that I respect you and acknowledge that you are my elder.

What would Jesus do? That's the question I usually always ask first. But it doesn't apply here... Jesus would probably tell them to take a hike, like he told Mary when she was nagging Him about wine. But then again, you're not Jesus and your real parent isn't God. Jesus created Mary and not the other way around, so don't ever call your mother "woman".

My best guess would be that honoring your father and mother isn't the same thing as not having a backbone when they are wrong. You can stand your ground and make known your disapproval and you don't have to waver one iota. But you cannot use filthy or insulting language when doing so. You CAN disobey them if they want you to do something that interferes with your relationship with God or with your duties as a husband and father, but even in disobedience, do so politely and gently. And be there for them in their old age - make sure that all their material needs are met. To me, this is what I think it means to honor one's father and mother.

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

Honor them yes, but it doesn't mean let them use and abuse us. You are (if I read right) in your 50s. The time is past for them to be treating you like a child. If they cannot respect your wishes then best to distance yourself from them. Tell them you love them but you will not be hurt over and over by their actions. I'm in my 30s and after getting married learned quickly I had to choose between honoring them/putting up with my parents or choosing my wife and honoring her as she is my wife. After all once married your priorities in order (well God firs of course) are your spouse and kids. Not your parents.

I always liked this image (granted some people disagree with spouse roles but thats not the point currently):
View attachment 238489

 

[Ken Rank]

Honouring your father and your mother doesn't mean behaving like a doormat or allowing them to harm your children.

Care for them, ensure their needs are provided for, pray for them and love them. But you also have your own family for which you are responsible now. The Bible says that a man is to leave his father and mother and cleave unto his wife. You need to make sure that your care for your parents does not adversely impact your marriage and children.

If they are rude or dismissive to you, just remind yourself that their opinion doesn't matter, it is what Christ thinks of you that is important!

Well said.... minus the last line perhaps. I think it does matter but regardless, honoring them doesn't even mean liking them. You can love them, respect them, honor them FOR WHO THEY ARE, but you might just not click anymore. It happens...

Question... have you ever brought your thoughts and feelings to their attention? It is possible they might not realize what they are doing.

 

[Kelvin Owens]

Well said Anna. Remember validate yourself through God and not through others so that you won't be hurt their words/actions. Honor thy Father and Mother so that thy days will long upon the earth. They are our earthly parents. Do not forget that we have a Heavenly Father that loves us unconditionally. We are made in the image and likeness of Him.

 

[David_AB]

Well said.... minus the last line perhaps. I think it does matter but regardless, honoring them doesn't even mean liking them. You can love them, respect them, honor them FOR WHO THEY ARE, but you might just not click anymore. It happens...

Question... have you ever brought your thoughts and feelings to their attention? It is possible they might not realize what they are doing.

Yes I have but it descends into an argument (shouting match more like) because they just won't accept any opinion from me.
It's hard to describe but they behave like my opinion is worthless. I do keep my distance more. My wife and kids do come first, always have.
I have got to the point that I no longer raise things because they simply do not listen. They are right, I am wrong.
I have raised it about their attitude in disrespecting my wishes for my kids when my kids were young but it made no difference. As a result when we did see them we made sure the kids were not left alone with them in case things were said to them (about me).
I have raised several issues over the years and they do not change.

 

[Ken Rank]

Yes I have but it descends into an argument (shouting match more like) because they just won't accept any opinion from me.
It's hard to describe but they behave like my opinion is worthless. I do keep my distance more. My wife and kids do come first, always have.
I have got to the point that I no longer raise things because they simply do not listen. They are right, I am wrong.
I have raised it about their attitude in disrespecting my wishes for my kids when my kids were young but it made no difference. As a result when we did see them we made sure the kids were not left alone with them in case things were said to them (about me).
I have raised several issues over the years and they do not change.

Thanks. So I have been there and in some ways we have a similar situation. My "buffer zone" was 700 miles, yours is less but you don't have to answer the phone and you don't have to keep running the kids back to them. Once a year maybe, two... but not 3 or 4. As another pointed out, you are to honor your parents but you also have a responsibility to your immediate family. And I know from experience that having to run to them means every vacation moment you have is a "visitation" and you don't build up memories that your newer and immediate family have together. It is all visitations and frustrating ones at that.

So, if it were me... I would find them cheap airfare (Frontier, Allegiant, etc.) or they can drive and I would go to them and then them to me. Me to them, and them to me. If it doesn't follow that pattern, I don't go back until it does. Honoring them doesn't mean you have to keep doing all the running.

One other suggestion.... if they won't talk, perhaps they will read? I might consider a letter and base where you go after that on their reaction. I offer my own eye as an editor if you want one that is unattached.

Blessings.
Ken

 

[David_AB]

be there for them in their old age - make sure that all their material needs are met. To me, this is what I think it means to honor one's father and mother.

That makes sense. Anything else is out of bounds for them. I can honour them that way but not put myself into positions where I am open to being criticised and having things thrown back into my face.
I tell them little because I know if I do A I should have done B and vice versa.

 

[David_AB]

Thanks. So I have been there and in some ways we have a similar situation. My "buffer zone" was 700 miles, yours is less but you don't have to answer the phone and you don't have to keep running the kids back to them. Once a year maybe, two... but not 3 or 4. As another pointed out, you are to honor your parents but you also have a responsibility to your immediate family. And I know from experience that having to run to them means every vacation moment you have is a "visitation" and you don't build up memories that your newer and immediate family have together. It is all visitations and frustrating ones at that.

So, if it were me... I would find them cheap airfare (Frontier, Allegiant, etc.) or they can drive and I would go to them and then them to me. Me to them, and them to me. If it doesn't follow that pattern, I don't go back until it does. Honoring them doesn't mean you have to keep doing all the running.

One other suggestion.... if they won't talk, perhaps they will read? I might consider a letter and base where you go after that on their reaction. I offer my own eye as an editor if you want one that is unattached.

Blessings.
Ken

Thanks for the offer Ken.
We do have friends there too who we also see, if we didn't have friends in that locality it wouldn't be 3 or 4 times a year. One, maybe two at the most.
In the next visit at New Year we are going to see friends. We will stay in a hotel/B&B and will be happy to visit my parents, but not stay over. I will make that clear to them especially as they have indicated that we create too much work for them.
Best to keep a distance but I'm sure there'll be something for them to take offence in that.
The 'kids' are now 20 & 17 and they know they have the option of not coming anymore. They have come in previous years because my friends have kids their age but they are getting to the point where they have their own lives now, plus they don't feel any real connection to my parents like they do to my wife's parents.

 

[Ken Rank]

Thanks for the offer Ken.
We do have friends there too who we also see, if we didn't have friends in that locality it wouldn't be 3 or 4 times a year. One, maybe two at the most.
In the next visit at New Year we are going to see friends. We will stay in a hotel/B&B and will be happy to visit my parents, but not stay over. I will make that clear to them especially as they have indicated that we create too much work for them.
Best to keep a distance but I'm sure there'll be something for them to take offence in that.
The 'kids' are now 20 & 17 and they know they have the option of not coming anymore. They have come in previous years because my friends have kids their age but they are getting to the point where they have their own lives now, plus they don't feel any real connection to my parents like they do to my wife's parents.

LOL, gosh... they complain they don't see the kids enough and then when they do, you make too much work for them? David... somehow, in our past somewhere, you and I are related!

 

[paul1149]

2Cor 3 - "the letter kills, but the spirit gives life." Whatever the prevailing interpretation of Commandment 5 might have been in OT times, the meaning now is that you give your parents as much honor as you can without compromising who who you are in Christ. Jesus says we have to hate our parents to be His disciple. That ought to about settle the matter. No one, not even parents, not even spouse, has the claim on us that Jesus has. I went through something like you describe, only mine was more critical. I regret that it took me so long to put my foot down and say, enough. As Paul tells Titus, say No to ungodliness. If your parents are tearing you down, and harming your ability to raise your own family properly, as you are under charge from the Lord to do, and they refuse correction, then there needs to be distance put between you and your parents.

 

[David_AB]

LOL, gosh... they complain they don't see the kids enough and then when they do, you make too much work for them? David... somehow, in our past somewhere, you and I are related!

Yes, they do contradict themselves.
They once complained that I never let them help me, that I was too independent. So I let them help me. They then accused me of never doing anything for myself. Can't win.

 

[AnnaDeborah]

Well said.... minus the last line perhaps. I think it does matter but regardless, honoring them doesn't even mean liking them.

To clarify, by saying your parents' opinion shouldn't matter, I wasn't' suggesting that you should not care about how your parents think/feel, but that how they speak of you/behave toward you doesn't affect how you view yourself. I have a mother who can swing overnight (sometimes from hour to hour) in her attitude to me - one minute I will be her best friend, her dearly loved daughter of whom she is so proud - half an hour later, I am a useless failure and she wishes I'd died at birth rather than taking up space on the planet. If her view of me 'mattered' to me at all, I would be so messed up I would be in some kind of secure mental unit by now!!! I care for her, seek to provide her needs and try not to do anything that will upset her - but her opinion of me has zero impact on my life now. My identity is in Christ, not in her opinion of me.

 

[Ken Rank]

To clarify, by saying your parents' opinion shouldn't matter, I wasn't' suggesting that you should not care about how your parents think/feel, but that how they speak of you/behave toward you doesn't affect how you view yourself. I have a mother who can swing overnight (sometimes from hour to hour) in her attitude to me - one minute I will be her best friend, her dearly loved daughter of whom she is so proud - half an hour later, I am a useless failure and she wishes I'd died at birth rather than taking up space on the planet. If her view of me 'mattered' to me at all, I would be so messed up I would be in some kind of secure mental unit by now!!! I care for her, seek to provide her needs and try not to do anything that will upset her - but her opinion of me has zero impact on my life now. My identity is in Christ, not in her opinion of me.

I understand and if what I said sounded as if I was taking a position against yours, I wasn't. Each situation is unique, and the bottom line is that honor (kâbad in Hebrew) is truly about placing weight on them, making them "heavy" in your life, as contrasted against something that might not matter as much which would be considered "light." So we can place weight on mom and dad, honor them for who and what they are, but not have to agree with everything they believe, nor have to accept every action or decision of theirs. It means, simply, that we place a reverence on them (respect, awe) while still living the lives we lead. David, who created this thread, has a wife and children, he is the head of his OWN house now and while he is still expected to place a great weight on his own parents... he is out from under their coverature, no longer under their authority, and he has responsibilities now that mean he has to make decisions independent of his parents.

Blessings sis.
Ken

 

[Ron Gurley]

Exodus 20:12
“Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be prolonged in the land which the LORD your God gives you.

Honor...Hebrew 3513...kabad....(respect and support)
i.to make heavy, make dull, make insensible
ii.to make honourable, honour, glorify
i.to be made heavy, be honoured, enjoy honour, be made abundant
ii.to get oneself glory or honour, gain glory