Modesty argument?

[Sinner and a saint]

My girlfriend and I have been having a bit of an argument lately. It all centers around modesty and what is appropriate to wear. I am a little more conservative with regards to modesty, while she is a little more liberal. We are both in college and have been dating for a little over a year.

She usually dresses modestly, but she also buys skimpy clothing sometimes and wears it occasionally. Crop tops, leggings, open backed tank tops, bandeau tops, yoga pants, those sorts of things.

When she wears things which I feel are immodest it upsets me and I tell her. I'm not trying to control her, just relate to her my feelings and views. We are not married so I have no right to tell her what to wear. But I feel like I should let me opinions be known to her.

In my opinion, modesty is a Christian value, a virtue called for in the Bible. By not showing too much you are respecting God and your future husband. In my girlfriends opinion it's not such a big deal.

You can dress modestly and still look beautiful; modesty does not impede beauty. My girlfriend claims I don't want her to look cute, this is by no means the case. I want her to look beautiful! I'm not asking her to wear a hijab.

I tell her that if she wears such things she will probably illicit the eyes of men who see her in a sexual way. She tells me it shouldn't matter what she wears and that those guys are wrong not her. She says she shouldn't have to be limited in what she feels like wearing because others will lust over her. (On a side note, if we see a girl in public dressed in a sexually enticing way my girlfriend will say "don't look at her!" and sometimes cover my eyes. I see this a double standard)

I tell her that if she dresses that way it seems as though she wants guys to admire her more private body parts. She claims that wanting to be seen doesn't play into what she wears, and that she wears it only for herself.

This debate has caused a lot of arguments between us lately. Am I being to conservative? Am I trying to control her or oppress her self expression? She claims that I am. I honestly want to know if I am overstepping my bounds. I want to do what is best for both of us, but at this point I don't know what to do other than keep my mouth shut and not mention the subject, or alternatively, argue with her about it going forward...

Thanks, and God bless

 

[Goodbook]

I'm thinking your intentions are honourable, but she is her own person and makes her own choices. You are not married so have no right to tell her what to wear or what to do.
If it's a problem now, it will be a problem if you ever get married.

Maybe, go shopping with her when she needs to buy clothes and just observe how she selects the clothes, and also give your opinion, but ONLY when she asks you. If she's wearing tight clothing it seems its for athletics/sport. I'm not sure if she's practicing yoga- you mentioned yoga pants - but if that is the case..there's some spiritual issues that need to be dealt with. Yoga is a no-no. How do you know this girl is a christian?

 

[Sinner and a saint]

I'm not sure if she's practicing yoga- you mentioned yoga pants - but if that is the case..there's some spiritual issues that need to be dealt with. Yoga is a no-no. How do you know this girl is a christian?

She doesn't practice yoga, just wears pants that are called "yoga pants" because their original purpose was to be worn during yoga. She says she's a Christian and I see it in other aspects of her life. Her father is a pastor.

 

[Goodbook]

Well then its her dad's duty to tell her. Don't try to be her dad.

 

[graceandpeace]

How old is she? Taste in clothes can change with age, or after certain milestones (marriage, becoming a parent, starting a new job, etc). So, her clothing choices may eventually change.

Keep in mind also that modesty is highly subjective & varies across cultures - so what you may see as "modest" may seem extremely conservative to some, or seem highly inappropriate to others.

That said, you've made your opinion known to her - & it's up to her alone to decide on what she wears. She is her own person. If you can't accept her as she is, I'm not sure if your relationship will have a future.

 

[Goodbook]

I'd be very annoyed if I was your gf. You don't own her.

 

[Autumnleaf]

You are trying to control her by telling her what is acceptable to wear.

She's all growed up and you're not her daddy. If you want a more modest woman then you have to find one who already is. Bothering her about this will just encourage her to wear those clothes when you are not around.

 

[Armoured]

My girlfriend and I have been having a bit of an argument lately. It all centers around modesty and what is appropriate to wear. I am a little more conservative with regards to modesty, while she is a little more liberal. We are both in college and have been dating for a little over a year.

She usually dresses modestly, but she also buys skimpy clothing sometimes and wears it occasionally. Crop tops, leggings, open backed tank tops, bandeau tops, yoga pants, those sorts of things.

When she wears things which I feel are immodest it upsets me and I tell her. I'm not trying to control her, just relate to her my feelings and views. We are not married so I have no right to tell her what to wear. But I feel like I should let me opinions be known to her.

In my opinion, modesty is a Christian value, a virtue called for in the Bible. By not showing too much you are respecting God and your future husband. In my girlfriends opinion it's not such a big deal.

You can dress modestly and still look beautiful; modesty does not impede beauty. My girlfriend claims I don't want her to look cute, this is by no means the case. I want her to look beautiful! I'm not asking her to wear a hijab.

I tell her that if she wears such things she will probably illicit the eyes of men who see her in a sexual way. She tells me it shouldn't matter what she wears and that those guys are wrong not her. She says she shouldn't have to be limited in what she feels like wearing because others will lust over her. (On a side note, if we see a girl in public dressed in a sexually enticing way my girlfriend will say "don't look at her!" and sometimes cover my eyes. I see this a double standard)

I tell her that if she dresses that way it seems as though she wants guys to admire her more private body parts. She claims that wanting to be seen doesn't play into what she wears, and that she wears it only for herself.

This debate has caused a lot of arguments between us lately. Am I being to conservative? Am I trying to control her or oppress her self expression? She claims that I am. I honestly want to know if I am overstepping my bounds. I want to do what is best for both of us, but at this point I don't know what to do other than keep my mouth shut and not mention the subject, or alternatively, argue with her about it going forward...

Thanks, and God bless

Only comment if she asks your opinion. Don't try to control what she wears. Remember, it's what's inside that counts. Make to big a deal about what's on the outside, pretty soon you won't have a GF to worry about.

 

[Autumnleaf]

Only comment if she asks your opinion. Don't try to control what she wears. Remember, it's what's inside that counts. Make to big a deal about what's on the outside, pretty soon you won't have a GF to worry about.

Maybe that would be a good thing for both of them. Better he find a modest woman now than go too far with one who is a bad match.

 

[tturt]

When I was growing up, my mom and dad said - it's ok to dress what you want if you could wear it and feel comfortable with Jesus standing next to you.

 

[Sinner and a saint]

Thanks to everyone for the replies, not exactly what I wanted to hear, but I think it's what I needed to hear. I appreciate the different perspectives and will take the advice to heart.

 

[Sketcher]

- If your girlfriend looks good, men will lust after her no matter what. What changes is how often they will, and possibly how much they will respect her. The more immodestly a woman dresses, the less respect she gets. Neither you nor her can control that.

- Modesty is not limited to not showing one's skin and/or accentuating one's figure. Gaudy haircuts and jewelry, expensive clothing and footwear, boasting with one's mouth, these are all examples. And men commit these acts too. If you've seen someone who brags too much about his new car, you've met an immodest man. If you've seen a rap music video where the rapper has the shoes, the outfit, the bling bling, the car, the girls dancing around him - that's an extreme example of immodesty. Take a broad view of what it is, so that you can put your girlfriend's perceived immodesty into perspective.

 

[TheDag]

In my opinion, modesty is a Christian value, a virtue called for in the Bible. By not showing too much you are respecting God and your future husband. In my girlfriends opinion it's not such a big deal.

Yes it is and what does the bible have to say about modesty? When we read modesty in the bible it does not mention clothing. At most the principle is that don't dress in a way to make yourself stand out. Just like you don't wear a three piece suit to the beach and it would be inappropiate to wear shorts and t-shirt to a black tie function.
What else does the bible say about how to dress? It says to dress with good works. Obviously that does not mean going naked but shows that the outward dress is not that important.

I tell her that if she wears such things she will probably illicit the eyes of men who see her in a sexual way. She tells me it shouldn't matter what she wears and that those guys are wrong not her. She says she shouldn't have to be limited in what she feels like wearing because others will lust over her. (On a side note, if we see a girl in public dressed in a sexually enticing way my girlfriend will say "don't look at her!" and sometimes cover my eyes. I see this a double standard)

You are definitely wrong to think that if you do marry then you have a right to tell her what to wear. Sorry doesn't work like that.

Your girlfriend is also right in that it is not her problem if men lust. Of course the bible does talk about if a person is weak in an area then they can approach a person and ask for help. However it should be noted that when the bible talks of this it always assumes relationship (friendship) not asking a complete stranger. As an example I stress about finances. I struggle trusting God in this area. My wife didn't. So I asked her if we could put in some rules around spending on luxuries to help me. I acknowledged the problem was mine and humbly asked for help.

Since we have mentioned lust we should look at what it is and what it isn't. Lust is not simply looking at a women and thinking she's nice. It is a desire to possess. So if looking at a woman and thinking I'd love to get her into bed that is lust. Looking at a woman and thinking thats a nice dress and continuing with whatever you were doing is not lust.
On a side note I am more likely to find a woman in an ankle length dress or skirt attractive than a woman dressed in tight pants or tank top. Different people have different tastes and it is impossible to dress in a way to prevent every single person finding you attractive because of these varied tastes.

 

[susyan]

I commend on you for helping your girlfriend in regards to modesty. Many men stumble because women or young girls dress in a way to promote their private parts. This is not honorable to God. I think you need to talk about your concerns with her dad, he may already have the same concerns. I believe men everywhere - fathers, brothers, uncles, need to educate thir wives, sisters, etc... about how they dress is affecting their minds. This will help us women to realize and to dress modestly. Many men are silent and let other men lust after.. which is very wrong as it is not protecting their women. I wish there are more men like you! Please keep speaking up, it may be what the Holy Spirit is trying to say.

I suggest you and your girlfriend read Proverbs chapter 2 together, it has excellent wisdom and advice, and it helped me to be aware and careful in how I dress so that I cause no man to stumble.

 

[Inkfingers]

When she wears things which I feel are immodest it upsets me and I tell her. I'm not trying to control her, just relate to her my feelings and views. We are not married so I have no right to tell her what to wear. But I feel like I should let me opinions be known to her.

In my opinion, modesty is a Christian value, a virtue called for in the Bible. By not showing too much you are respecting God and your future husband. In my girlfriends opinion it's not such a big deal.

Ignore those who are getting a bit ranty over your alleged "controlling" of her - it is not controlling to advise a loved one not to behave immodestly.

You can dress modestly and still look beautiful; modesty does not impede beauty. My girlfriend claims I don't want her to look cute, this is by no means the case. I want her to look beautiful! I'm not asking her to wear a hijab.

You are correct.

But you have to remember that we live in a society that is increasingly casual/immodest/carnal, and so many people wish to partake of its values. In the end you will have to decide whether your girlfriend is someone who shares your core values or not, and if she does not then it may well be necessary to break the relationship. Anything else will just be marble-stacking on your behalf...leading to a later break that is even more painful.

Think carefully on it.

 

[Goodbook]

If you have a strong conviction over the clothing issue you are better off courting a lady with an amish or mennonite background. IMHO.

 

[Goodbook]

Or Puritan.
You are being puritanical, which borders on being controlling. Things were no better in the puritan days in america. If you showed your ankle, that was being risque. Again, only give your opinion when asked. That goes for all other situations as well, and applies to everyone.

I once had a male friend who was like you with very fixed opinions on what women ought to wear, while he was hypocritical in what he himself wore. and if he was so concerned about the length of my dress, why didn't he actually provide me any fabric so I could make one myself..or give me a dress to wear that would satisfy his taste? Good quality clothes are expensive, and clothing manufacturers skimp on material these days.

The dag is right in that clothing and modesty in the bible is more than just physical clothing - which Jesus said not to worry about anyway. heathens worry about that sort of thing. we are to be clothed in good works, in Christ. he gives us garments of praise and robes of righteousness to wear. you think when entering heaven he's going to be the fashion police?! no, We already have a heavenly wardrobe which the angels are organising for us before we enter the gates.

 

[suzeequeue]

friend, even if you were married, you have no right to tell her what to wear.

i do believe that Christian men and women should dress modestly. i believe if your girlfriend is not convicted by the Holy Spirit in this regard, then perhaps she doesn't have Him, or is simply going against Him.

we are to dress modestly. when I was young, i always felt exposed if i had cleavage showing. it's just inappropriate, and i should not have worn anything that exposed part of my breasts, obviously, and i knew it, but because of my full busted figure, it was a real problem for me to find anything to wear that didn't look 'sexy' even if i was fully covered.

a woman can be fully covered and still appear 'sexy;' for example, my husband was turned on by me in my flannel nightgown! it's just how men are

bottom line--you have to let her dress as she wants to--yet if she is controlled by the Holy Spirit, she will dress modestly, IMHO. if she is not dressing modestly, even after you've discussed this many times, maybe she's not the one for you. pray about this, both of you. if she's not interested in praying about it, cut her loose. you seem very spiritual, and i question if she is...

at my pentecostal friend's church camp, they have male and female swimming pools. the men are not allowed to see the women in their bathing suits (they are all one-piece suits, btw) and i totally believe this is appropriate. no woman should be parading around nearly naked, and neither should men, for that matter.

 

[faroukfarouk]

I think you need to look at sanctification from the inward aspect, which works its way outward, rather that it supposedly being something that makes one 'holy' if one conforms to x, y, or z outwards. Sanctification may affect the person outwardly, but the emphasis in the Word of God is inward.

Another aspect is geography. If you guys live in Florida, then a very buttoned up approach might not be a realistic expectation.

Then there is the fact that even among the Amish, Old Order Mennonite, merely wearing old fashioned clothes does not change the heart: the change needs to be by God's Spirit, through faith in the Lord Jesus.

Another thing is that you don't want to be misled by stereotypes. A young lady who happens to have 3 or 4 sets of ear piercings might actually be more modest in spirit than someone with only one pair; and if she has a John 3.16 tattoo on her wrist, again, she may be more modest and spiritually minded than someone with no visible tattoo. Not necessarily so, but it may be the case.

For you guys, the emphasis in your relationship should be around prayer and the Scriptures.

Blessings.

 

[TheyCallMeDavid]

My girlfriend and I have been having a bit of an argument lately. It all centers around modesty and what is appropriate to wear. I am a little more conservative with regards to modesty, while she is a little more liberal. We are both in college and have been dating for a little over a year.

She usually dresses modestly, but she also buys skimpy clothing sometimes and wears it occasionally. Crop tops, leggings, open backed tank tops, bandeau tops, yoga pants, those sorts of things.

When she wears things which I feel are immodest it upsets me and I tell her. I'm not trying to control her, just relate to her my feelings and views. We are not married so I have no right to tell her what to wear. But I feel like I should let me opinions be known to her.

In my opinion, modesty is a Christian value, a virtue called for in the Bible. By not showing too much you are respecting God and your future husband. In my girlfriends opinion it's not such a big deal.

You can dress modestly and still look beautiful; modesty does not impede beauty. My girlfriend claims I don't want her to look cute, this is by no means the case. I want her to look beautiful! I'm not asking her to wear a hijab.

I tell her that if she wears such things she will probably illicit the eyes of men who see her in a sexual way. She tells me it shouldn't matter what she wears and that those guys are wrong not her. She says she shouldn't have to be limited in what she feels like wearing because others will lust over her. (On a side note, if we see a girl in public dressed in a sexually enticing way my girlfriend will say "don't look at her!" and sometimes cover my eyes. I see this a double standard)

I tell her that if she dresses that way it seems as though she wants guys to admire her more private body parts. She claims that wanting to be seen doesn't play into what she wears, and that she wears it only for herself.

This debate has caused a lot of arguments between us lately. Am I being to conservative? Am I trying to control her or oppress her self expression? She claims that I am. I honestly want to know if I am overstepping my bounds. I want to do what is best for both of us, but at this point I don't know what to do other than keep my mouth shut and not mention the subject, or alternatively, argue with her about it going forward...

Thanks, and God bless

I think you have a very wise and mature take on this issue. It is ALWAYS best to err on the side of a young woman dressing modestly and conservatively., especially in a highly sexualized culture . I personally think a good many women are clueless when it comes to their safety -------- its sort of like 'Im going to dress anyway I feel like and Men just better be able to handle it and if they cant, then too bad ' . Today , a woman needs to do everything possible NOT to comply with the sexual illicit culture in EVERYTHING ; that includes clothing/talk/actions/etc... the messages a woman sends to a man by the way she dresses is a very real thing. And in our out of control sexualized Culture, the man often gets some very wrong and perverted ideas which sadly get acted out on all too often. IE: If a young woman is showing too much breast or no bra, the guys mind goes to thinking that she is an easy fornication .

The women in any society have tremendous control and power over the sexual climate of a nation. The more women show themselves to be tramp-ish , the greater DISrespect Men and Boys will have toward women in general., and greater will men view women as convenient exploitation for their own self centered gain (temporary at best before moving onto the next sexual perannah quest) .

It is THE most dangerous time in history for a Woman to be alive and the facts show why : 1 in 4 women will be abused either physically and/or sexually sometime in their life...........and 1 in 3 Women while in College will experience the same. As her b/f, you should do everything within your power to educate and protect your g/f . ``