living together but not sleeping together

[kallygilrie]

Is it a sin to live with a boyfriend, share a bed only for sleeping purposes and not have sex? This question comes after I returned from my walk to emmaus weekend and my dad pastor confront me about it. He says God will not walk into my life as long as I'm living with my boyfriend, even tho, when my boyfriend and I decided to finally walk the right road again, we stopped having sex. Yes we've been tempted and we've stomped that temptation out every single time. From what I've researched about this, the bible speaks of "laying with a women" as sex, not just literally sleeping. In this case, my dads pastor also stated that if I were to sleep in the same bed, weather boyfriend or not, with a man, that is also a sin. I would greatly appreciate help on this. I'm tryin to live my life a straight as possible but when you are new to this and a bunch of people are saying different things, some has got to have it wrong. I would really appreciate it if anyone has reference points in the bible. I can dedicate some of my me and GOD time tonight reading on this.

Thank you so much

 

[NiobiumTragedy]

While God might not walk out of your life, it's still not good. While you're able to stop for the moment, eventually it's bound to happen.

 

[Luther073082]

While you may be technically correct, I think you are really pushing the line.

Its sort of like you are taking a rule and bending it and pushing it to see how far you can get with it. Which in a way is a sin in and of itself is it not?

 

[kallygilrie]

Yes I do believe pushing to see how far you can get is a sin in itself but thats not what we are doing. When i moved in, I was not a faithful Christian. I was in a time when I believed and hated god because of the way my mom passed away. I was angry and threw my life out of the window. My boyfriend stood strong beside me but tried so hard to open my eyes. I was blinded, guess you can say the devil really found his door in me. When I decided to find Christ again, that is when him and I decided together to find the path. We talked and both decided to stop the sexual part of our relationship because it is a sin. Do I believe that it is temporary? as long as we are unmarried, no it is not. Our relationship is as strong as ever and my love for God is renewed and stronger than I have ever felt. I am not trying to push the line to see where I can get, I'm trying to correct the life that I almost destroyed because of my rage. I am truly, whole heartedly trying to live my life in Gods Grace

 

[Kevin_Wright]

If you are both on the same page and you both have the will power I don't see anything wrong with that. I'm not God, so I dont really KNOW, But...you know

 

[kallygilrie]

Thank you all for your input. I just want to make it clear that this wasn't something where I said "hey, I wanna wait till marriage so deal with it". We talked for weeks about it, well I brought it up cause I wanted to make sure he was committed to this new life. Last night was a tempting night for him, so we handled it by grabbing our bibles and reading scriptures. The amazing thing is, once we started obstaining from sex, we connected on a much deeper level. Our relationship is thriving even more so than it had been. I think I always felt guilty for it because I was once a "wait until marriage" believer. I shoulders feel much lighter now

 

[Luther073082]

Yes I do believe pushing to see how far you can get is a sin in itself but thats not what we are doing. When i moved in, I was not a faithful Christian. I was in a time when I believed and hated god because of the way my mom passed away. I was angry and threw my life out of the window. My boyfriend stood strong beside me but tried so hard to open my eyes. I was blinded, guess you can say the devil really found his door in me. When I decided to find Christ again, that is when him and I decided together to find the path. We talked and both decided to stop the sexual part of our relationship because it is a sin. Do I believe that it is temporary? as long as we are unmarried, no it is not. Our relationship is as strong as ever and my love for God is renewed and stronger than I have ever felt. I am not trying to push the line to see where I can get, I'm trying to correct the life that I almost destroyed because of my rage. I am truly, whole heartedly trying to live my life in Gods Grace

While that may not be your intention, that is sort of what you are doing is pushing the line.

If its possible I'd move out for the time being until you get married. But thats just me.

 

[Bootstrap]

Thank you all for your input. I just want to make it clear that this wasn't something where I said "hey, I wanna wait till marriage so deal with it". We talked for weeks about it, well I brought it up cause I wanted to make sure he was committed to this new life. Last night was a tempting night for him, so we handled it by grabbing our bibles and reading scriptures. The amazing thing is, once we started obstaining from sex, we connected on a much deeper level. Our relationship is thriving even more so than it had been. I think I always felt guilty for it because I was once a "wait until marriage" believer. I shoulders feel much lighter now

I think you are well aware of the risks, and you're hearing that in posts by people like Luther. I share his concerns, but I also understand the route by which you came to this situation, which I would never recommend to most people. You're a bit off my map, I don't know what to advise you do, but I think I might have some things to say about the right attitude for letting God show you what is right.

Can you be completely honest with yourself and with each other if there are signs that this isn't working?

To be blunt, as a guy, sexual pressure tends to build up pretty strongly for me. My wife and I did sleep in the same bed occasionally before we married, with clothes on and well established boundaries, I don't know that I could have done this regularly and especially not most nights, but your boyfriend may be better at handling this than I am.

If Luther is right, and he may well be, you'll see signs of that.

No matter what decisions you make, please pray that God will protect you from any form of denial, and pray to be willing to let God show you the way that is right for your relationship. Most of us are very good at being in denial, if you are open to God's spirit, and let God show you if things aren't working, God will honor that and show you his way for you.

 

[kallygilrie]

Luther, moving out is something that has crossed my mind before but not recently, not since we've begun obstaining from sex. When we got together I lived nearly 2 hrs away from him. If I moved now, I believe that distance would harm us more than help us. I think as long as we work on the sexual issues together, we will have better strength when those temptation arise because going a month or more without so much as a hug just builds.

Bootstrap, you make many great points. I like to think that we can be honest with ourselves and each other. We have thus far. He tells me when he's tempted so that he isn't just left alone to deal with it. I do the same. We have excitement in knowing how emotional and amazing our honeymoon will be because of this. I dont feel like I'm living in denial, I honestly feel like for the first time in my life, I am on the right path. I wouldn't have even thought about all this if it wasn't for my dads pastor.

If you look at it this way, we may live together but we dont really have alot of time together. We average, on a good week, 2-3 nights of sharing a bed together. The rest of the time, he works nights and i work days. Thats not taking in to consideration if he works overtime. When he works, we tend to get about an hr a day together which is between me coming home from work and him leaving for work. The only exception to this is Sunday Mornings for church or every other month when he has weekends off. So really if you look at it, we aren't the average couple that sleeps together every night and are faced with it none stop. May be that is why it makes it so much easier on us. I know it makes us cherish our time that we do have together.

As for letting God show me the way. I'll be honest with this point. I'm new at this. It was just This past Saturday that I actually felt the feeling of God working in my life. I fought for 6 months for it but for some reason I couldn't get there. FINALLY I've seen a glimps and I love it. I love the way I feel. I love not being angry, mean and nasty all the time. I didn't think this girl would ever come back, thought she was lost. So listening to Gods will is new and like many, i wonder if I'll recognize him when he speaks to me.

 

[Luther073082]

Luther, moving out is something that has crossed my mind before but not recently, not since we've begun obstaining from sex. When we got together I lived nearly 2 hrs away from him. If I moved now, I believe that distance would harm us more than help us. I think as long as we work on the sexual issues together, we will have better strength when those temptation arise because going a month or more without so much as a hug just builds.

Are you kidding me? A month or more without a hug?

If a 2 hour drive keeps the two of you apart for a month or more then there is a major problem called committment. (or lack there of) What do you not have a car?

I lived over 1,000 miles away from my wife when we where dating and when we where engaged. In case you are curious that translates into about 17 hours of just driving.

By plane it included a 3 hour drive to the airport, going through security, a hour and a half flight, a wait for a connection and a 45 minute flight followed by being picked up and an hour drive to where she lived. Followed by doing it all in reverse again when I went home.

For my wife it ment a 22 hour bus ride. (As she is afraid of flying)

We still saw eachother every 2 months.

I think you are attached to him and you are bothered by the thought of being seperate for a little while. But I do not belive for a minute that the seperation is going to hurt you. And if a 2 hour drive means you can only see eachother once a month, then there is some sort of major problem. Either one of you lacks transportation or lacks committment.

I'm sorry I'm being blunt but there is soemthing seriously wrong with a 2 hour drive keeping you apart for a month. Outside of that, you could find a way.

 

[Wirraway]

that kind of part time marriage must be paradise for the guy. he gets, what... meals, a housekeeper, laundry. great for him and maybe for you as long as everything is kittens and rainbows. a looming disaster when it comes time to put to the test the vows that are missing. he'll just walk.

 

[citizenthom]

First question: are you two engaged or otherwise set on marriage? That's got to be the first question for a couple coming away from sexual sin, and it needs to be resolved right up front. If you're not willing to make that commitment to each other, then you're disservicing each other with your current living arrangements and relationship.

As for your living with him and sharing a bed, I share the same concerns as the other posters: it's pushing a lot of lines, and it's highly likely to lead to slipping up or sexual frustration. Human beings weren't designed to become one flesh with someone and then stop, let alone to have that same person right there night after night denying that same oneness. What you're doing to each other right now is the emotional (and physical) equivalent of a sexless marriage, and carries with it the same potential for serious hurt and disaster.

Your two best solutions are: get married ASAP, or move out ASAP (whether the relationship continues or not).

That said, I do see the practical problem with your situation. You've both budgeted for living together, and it may be beyond your means to move somewhere by yourself. If the two of you decide that this relationship is going to end in marriage--and I mean end in marriage soon--moving out might be an unnecessary and financially unsound intermediate step. If you are getting married, and getting it done soon (i.e. in a shorter amount of time than you could get a lease for), there is less harm in living together till you're married than there is with marriage as an ambiguous possibility.

Have the marriage discussion now. Don't accept an ambiguous answer, or if you get one, act on it as though it is a "no" (as in, move out). If marriage is going to be further down the road for some reason, like more than one year, move out.

 

[kallygilrie]

It's not the 2 hr drive that would keep us apart. We both have cars but like I stated, we work opposite schedules. the yr we dated when we were living apart, we averaged every other month. You also have to consider that fact that at the time I was a full time caregiver of my Mom who was fighting Cancer. After my mom passed away I began to drive to his place every weekend when I was off work because I needed his support but visiting your boyfriend isn't much fun when he's not home. We dont have major issues and we surely dont have committment issues. Personally it seems your trying to pass judgment on me and my relationship and sadly you have it very wrong. I'm am very happy for you that your distant relationship worked out, thats amazing to say the least. And yes I'm "attached" to him, its called love, is that wrong? Am I not supposed to feel that way? If he left tomorrow, would i survive it? Well of course I would because i would have faith that it happened for a reason. We are about the most happy, loving committed couple out there. We've been together for a week shy of 2yrs. I appreciate your advice, but what I'm looking for is the right think to do not the luther thing to do. You have made it seem like us living together is a bad thing because we will sooner or later give into temptation which shows your lack of faith with other humans ability to follow the word. I simply am asking if it is a sin in Gods eyes to share a bed with the opposite sex if the intentions are pure. If 2 humans sleep fully clothed next to each other, with the worse thing happening being an arm around the other, is this technically a sin.

 

[kallygilrie]

Citizenthom, Thank you for your response. I truely appriciate you offering advice without judging the situation. The Marriage talk is done, been done, been living it. HAHA!! I'm not supposed to know but the ring is picked out, more than half paid for and I should be expecting it before 2010 is over. What can I say, he just can not keep anything from me I'm ready to spend my life the rest of my life with him and he says he feels the same. Of course I want to get married ASAP but at the same time, I dont want to rush it. But to answer your question, yes this is going to result in marriage, we are both confident in that. He actually is very interested in the responses here because he to wants to know if we are doing the right thing.

I know going from being 1 flesh to back to 2 is hard, and I can understand why people doubt the ability to resist temptation but isnt it possible that if both individuals decided together to do this, that its very well possible? I cant say we will get married this yr, or next yr because of not wanting to rush but I know we will get married. He's so set on everything being my dreams but I'm perfectly happy with a back yard, family and a pastor as long as he's the one standing beside me.

 

[Luther073082]

Honestly I can only tell you what I think is the right thing to do. And that would be to move out til you get married.

 

[DCHSKNIGHT]

Hey Sister... here do this... Go to the court house pay 50 bucks for the licenece get a judge to do it. then ahve the cermoney after. The cermony is only pomp and circumstance. Just go get married and problem solved. if you are already living it then why not go get teh stamp of approval.

And there is no rules and regulations in the bible about living with someone. there is however sex and such. What people blanekt into a rule is the 'Appearance of Evil'. You are not doing a good job of keeping away the appearance of evil and you are not being above reproach.

That is all so go make it offical seriously would only take 2 hours and only 50 bucks then, no one can argue with you.

 

[Bootstrap]

Hey Sister... here do this... Go to the court house pay 50 bucks for the licenece get a judge to do it. then ahve the cermoney after. The cermony is only pomp and circumstance. Just go get married and problem solved. if you are already living it then why not go get teh stamp of approval.

And there is no rules and regulations in the bible about living with someone. there is however sex and such. What people blanekt into a rule is the 'Appearance of Evil'. You are not doing a good job of keeping away the appearance of evil and you are not being above reproach.

That is all so go make it offical seriously would only take 2 hours and only 50 bucks then, no one can argue with you.

I seriously suspect that this kind of advice is one of the big reasons we have so many divorces among Christians.

Don't marry in haste. Make very sure that marriage is what God wants for you and that you are ready.

 

[kallygilrie]

We actually sat down with our Pastor last night at his house to talk about this very issue. He just like many here said we should get married because we are living in sin. We told him we are not doing anything sexual but he just didn't hear it until I told him that we were sexually active and chose to stop once we came to Christ and his attitude changed dramatically. He told us that biblically speak, sleeping (just sleeping) in the same bed is not sin but like you said DCHSKNIGHT, we are know dealing with 'Appearance of Evil' (which I never thought about). People assume you are having sex or you will give into temptation regardless.

My only issue with going to a court house and making it official is I just believe a court house wedding is just a piece of paper. It means nothing when it comes to your vows before the lord. The church wedding to me isn't just a party, its the biggest part of the wedding. Vowing my love to both my new husband and the lord is what its about. The piece of paper is there for this governments tax purposes.

None the less, after speaking with our pastor, he is very confident that our relationship is headed for Marriage and he has no reserves of marrying us when the time comes. He even wants us to begin pre-marriage counseling. The only reason we haven't walked down the aisle to begin with is that my BF has this crazy idea that I need some $2000 engagment ring and he want settle for anything less. Me? I have a $16 promise ring on my finger and I'm perfectly happy and never take it off. Yet he just won't believe me when I say its not about the ring but whats behind it

 

[gzt]

Seriously, any reason why you can't get a church marriage pretty quickly here? Except that the guy, for some reason, thinks you need a ring (you don't)?

 

[Bootstrap]

I'd get the pre-marital counseling first.